Thinking of divorce but holding back?

SeaRaven said:
Here's the cliche' I like , "A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN LIKE A FISH NEEDS A BICYCLE".
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I can see why you added the caveat "cliche", because of course if all men, (or women!), were the same then there would be no need for dating agencies listing an individuals characteristics, no need for elaborate courtships and weddings, nowt like that is necessary because in a sense " you can't go wrong", nor indeed can you find the perfect partner either! :)
 

As I have told many times on various threads here, I dreamed constantly of leaving my husband for about ten years or so. I thought I could not due to not having a job or my own money. I made money selling online but it always went to bills and other things.......like gas, credit card bills or food (in that order). After I started getting my social security, I left within 3 years. It was my third marriage. And the last. Technically still married. On paper.

What I wanted to say was that each time I got married, I was madly in love. I thought this was it. My last marriage lasted for 24 years, 4 of those years in the beginning we were not married. Things were great all that time. What wore me down was when we moved to an off-the-grid homestead. No conveniences like normal people have every day. Then we had 3 horses and they are expensive. I love horses but that was a stupid thing to do. The house needed a lot of work but never seemed to get it done. To this day it has no running water and a sawdust toilet. I had no money for groceries. I had to sell something on eBay to be able to get some food. Not really blaming him because I wanted to move there just as much as he did.

He had bad anger issues. Always mad. Always throwing or breaking things. Not at me directly. If it was snowing or raining or the horses needed hay and he had to go pick it up he was extremely angry. I was walking on eggshells 24 hours a day. I cried every night. I had health issues and no health insurance. He had the VA and I had nothing. The last 6 months of living there, I never left even to go to the store. I felt trapped. It was a lot of work living there. I prayed and prayed for some way to get out (not dying of course). Every evening when it started to get dark, he would turn off our power. Kerosene lamps. Sitting in the dark. I thank God for the Kindle! Sure beat using a flashlight to read.

My advice to women in miserable marriages is to get out no matter what you have to do. If you have to swallow your pride and apply for social benefits available, then do so. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. I believe if you live in stressful situations you will die sooner than you would have if you were happy.
 
Marriage, I was married for 31 years with and we dated for 5 years prior. Even at a young age I knew being madly in love did not always count. We had many challenges, ups and downs, I did not expect us to be silly teenagers all our lives. I think we got through the hard times because we both had the same values, taught to us by our parents. You have to work at it, make decisions together. Be committed to the vows you made. These days it seems our younger generation just throw in the towel if a problem comes up. You have to be prepared to work through things. Most of us have had to do that at work, with relatives and friends, even our children. Why we would think we don't have to work to have a good relationship with our spouse.
 
JonSR77 said:
I am a child of divorce. My parents HATED each other. And I mean HATED each other!

Sometimes, you just have to part ways...
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They must have had some reason they married I realize there are some things you can't fix or ignore. There is no other choice. The problem I have is when people marry that have not taken the time to really know each other. To get to know the others family. That you both know what is important to each other. If you do this, you can have a good marriage.
 
Blessed said:
They must have had some reason they married I realize there are some things you can't fix or ignore. There is no other choice. The problem I have is when people marry that have not taken the time to really know each other. To get to know the others family. That you both know what is important to each other. If you do this, you can have a good marriage.
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I was never privy to the reasons. My parents were married for 8 years before they had my brother, for 10 years before they had me.

I think money was one issue, but probably not the whole thing.

My Dad had depression, possibly also PTSD from WWII.

My mom is a full blown nutcase. So, who knows what happened.

I am sure that, in the beginning, they loved each other a lot. I think, maybe, if only one of them had problems, it might have worked out.
 
JonSR77 said:
I was never privy to the reasons. My parents were married for 8 years before they had my brother, for 10 years before they had me.

I think money was one issue, but probably not the whole thing.

My Dad had depression, possibly also PTSD from WWII.

My mom is a full blown nutcase. So, who knows what happened.

I am sure that, in the beginning, they loved each other a lot. I think, maybe, if only one of them had problems, it might have worked out.
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Another thing that makes it hard to try to work things out and stay in a marriage is if one spouse (in my parents' case, the husband) sees no reason that they have to be faithful, that being faithful is an "unnatural" constraint to put on someone and the other spouse is heartbroken by it.
 
That must have been hard for you. The money thing, never been rich, always had a home, car, job. We could do what we wanted but would have to save to purchase big things or travel. I can still do that, I have a good retirement but I am thrifty by nature.

My mother was married 3 times, first husband, a closet drinker, divorce. Second husband, my Dad, everything good, he had a massive heart attack and died at 36. Third husband, stepdad, loved him but had a step brother that got into drugs. Step dad took his boys and left when Mom said he could not be around the little kids. I understood both their reasons, was not angry or upset with either of them.
 
Blessed said:
That must have been hard for you. The money thing, never been rich, always had a home, car, job. We could do what we wanted but would have to save to purchase big things or travel. I can still do that, I have a good retirement but I am thrifty by nature.

My mother was married 3 times, first husband, a closet drinker, divorce. Second husband, my Dad, everything good, he had a massive heart attack and died at 36. Third husband, stepdad, loved him but had a step brother that got into drugs. Step dad took his boys and left when Mom said he could not be around the little kids. I understood both their reasons, was not angry or upset with either of them.
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so sorry about the difficulties.

I am barely scratching the surface of what went on. I remember being in court, in a judge's chamber, when I was 8. Some kind of battle between the two of them.

I think my Dad had a paternity suit going. I think he knew I was his kid, I think it was just his attempt for the court to maybe see exactly how nuts my mother really was. She basically never got caught and just spewed misery through a lot of lives...

Very intelligent and incredibly creative...she just scammed everybody. She is not alone. I have a feeling that Amber Heard is another one, like my mom. If so, maybe this court case will expose and catch her. Not saying I know she is that...but maybe...

You know, to this day Joan Crawford has defenders who believe the daughter lied. So much of that case resonates with my own personal experience. I don't think you can make up things like that.

I once caught my mother on the phone, talking to someone with a real criminal past. I yelled at her not to get involved in any kind of business with that person. Mommie's response? She called the cops on me!!! Kind of an evil genius thing that...getting close to being caught, she turned the tables and went after me...for trying to STOP criminal activity!
 
JonSR77 said:
so sorry about the difficulties.

I am barely scratching the surface of what went on. I remember being in court, in a judge's chamber, when I was 8. Some kind of battle between the two of them.

I think my Dad had a paternity suit going. I think he knew I was his kid, I think it was just his attempt for the court to maybe see exactly how nuts my mother really was. She basically never got caught and just spewed misery through a lot of lives...

Very intelligent and incredibly creative...she just scammed everybody. She is not alone. I have a feeling that Amber Heard is another one, like my mom. If so, maybe this court case will expose and catch her. Not saying I know she is that...but maybe...

You know, to this day Joan Crawford has defenders who believe the daughter lied. So much of that case resonates with my own personal experience. I don't think you can make up things like that.

I once caught my mother on the phone, talking to someone with a real criminal past. I yelled at her not to get involved in any kind of business with that person. Mommie's response? She called the cops on me!!! Kind of an evil genius thing that...getting close to being caught, she turned the tables and went after me...for trying to STOP criminal activity!
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I guess I have been sheltered, I have only met a handful of people like that. Once I figured out they had issues I cut the relationship. You had a rough time but sound like you came through it. All we can do is live and learn. Decide what we want for our lives.
 
No. My wife and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary next month and I expect to finish our journey here together. I admit it hasn't all been smooth sailing but I can also say without hesitation, it's been well worth it in my opinion and I think, and hope, she would say the same. Side note: Not sure if this is relevant or not but neither of us had a prior marriage. Don...
 
I loved my husband but was thinking about divorcing him for a couple of years at least. Irreconcilable differences is a real thing. He was a good, patient man but had ways that made me crazy. When his health started to fail, I knew I couldn't do it then. I stuck by him, took care of him and when he was hospitalized and/or in rehab I visited him daily and made sure he was well taken care of until he passed away.

Good for you for getting out of a marriage that wasn't working! Now you can focus on what makes you happy. Regarding your "but" when "thinking about divorce", keep in mind that if you live in a community property state, if he accrues a lot of debt while you are still legally married, you'd likely be responsible for paying those debts if he doesn't. Check with an attorney about that and if that is the case..file those papers!
 
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I found out 2 days before Xmas in 2020 that my third husband was cheating again. We lived together for 6 years and married for 17. I was really committed trying to make it work but I am happier without him. Things are tight financially but I have peace and so much less work not having to do everything. He had taken laziness to a art form.
 
I thought about divorce for decades, but finances and other considerations prevented it.

When my mother died, I inherited enough money to leave, but Covid and cancer came along. My husband didn't want to follow Covid guidelines (washing hands, wearing masks, etc.), or to help me in any way, so I moved out. That was one huge stress reliever!

We are still married, and we are still friendly. But nothing has changed as far as his attitude toward me in concerned. He wants me to move back in with him, but that is solely for his benefit -- for me it would be moving back in to the pit of hell.
 
WheatenLover said:
I thought about divorce for decades, but finances and other considerations prevented it.

When my mother died, I inherited enough money to leave, but Covid and cancer came along. My husband didn't want to follow Covid guidelines (washing hands, wearing masks, etc.), or to help me in any way, so I moved out. That was one huge stress reliever!

We are still married, and we are still friendly. But nothing has changed as far as his attitude toward me in concerned. He wants me to move back in with him, but that is solely for his benefit -- for me it would be moving back in to the pit of hell.
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very sorry about your experiences.

by all means, stay safe...

take care.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Years ago, divorce was a sign of failure, and tragedy. Today, I believe most people realize that all marriages are not made in heaven. And there is no reason to continue to live unhappily ever after. And to be honest, when some of my friend's announced their divorce, it really wasn't a total shock.
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There is nothing wrong with divorce. I enjoyed my divorce, and my ex did too. I will admit to a vague feeling of having failed, but that was caused more by the perception society taught me to feel. Yes, my marriage failed, but my life took a giant leap forward, and I accomplished goals that marriage would not have allowed. I'm an advocate of divorce. I also applaud great marriages. I even envy them.
 
This morning I saw a man walking a corgie. I love corgies. They are just total fun and a nice little ball of crazy. I stopped the guy and said (which is true), "My ex had a Corgie. When I left her, the only thing I missed...was the Corgie..."
 

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