This has been a rough few days.

Ronni said:
This is a lifelong journey and I’m still learning how to travel it.
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Ronni, I'm glad you're still sharing your feelings with us. Your love is strong and your grief will take time. Along with others here, I think of you often and am always happy to see you post. I admire you, always have, and hope life gets a little better for you in time. Sending you my love, thoughts and respect. My heart goes out to you sweet lady, hugs. 💙
 

Ronnie, I live this child loss journey that you never wanted to imagine and I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 17-year-old son, Jason, 28 years ago. He died of brain death 4 days after being injured in a head-on car crash. He was a backseat passenger and he was the only one of the four boys in the car who died. No drugs, no alcohol--just an inexperienced driver who was upset over arguing with his girlfriend. Reading your words and writing this hurts even after all these years but Jase is a significant part of who I am and I must share our story. I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
 
Thank you all.

The emotional pain is unrelenting, and it’s still so raw and sharp. It cuts like a knife, deeply and viscerally. It’s exhausting, both mentally and physically. I have no illusions… it will be with me for the rest of my life. My only goal is to have it be more endurable, softer, more distant as you eloquently stated @jujube

I guess I’m unpleasantly surprised at the continuing viciousness of the pain and how it still hurts so much after 8 months. I have no frame of reference for this. My parents and my brother are my only other close losses.

My parents were ill for some time and their loss, though sad, wasn’t unexpected. I was closer to my brother than anyone else in my life other than my kids, and the pain of his loss was deep, but eased over time. Given the course of my grief in relation to my brother, I guess I expected less pain from Devin’s loss at this point?

I don’t know. All I know is this is exhausting, and debilitating. Living life before this was effortless. Now it’s just hard work, and it’s demoralizing to envision life going forward when it’s such a struggle, especially when I’m actively engaged in counseling, support groups, self help, medications, and this is the result.
 
Ronni said:
Thank you all.

The emotional pain is unrelenting, and it’s still so raw and sharp. It cuts like a knife, deeply and viscerally. It’s exhausting, both mentally and physically. I have no illusions… it will be with me for the rest of my life. My only goal is to have it be more endurable, softer, more distant as you eloquently stated @jujube

I guess I’m unpleasantly surprised at the continuing viciousness of the pain and how it still hurts so much after 8 months. I have no frame of reference for this. My parents and my brother are my only other close losses.

My parents were ill for some time and their loss, though sad, wasn’t unexpected. I was closer to my brother than anyone else in my life other than my kids, and the pain of his loss was deep, but eased over time. Given the course of my grief in relation to my brother, I guess I expected less pain from Devin’s loss at this point?

I don’t know. All I know is this is exhausting, and debilitating. Living life before this was effortless. Now it’s just hard work, and it’s demoralizing to envision life going forward when it’s such a struggle, especially when I’m actively engaged in counseling, support groups, self help, medications, and this is the result.
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Ronni, have you read books by Donna Ashworth or found her poems online? I wrote down one of her poems called "You're the Ghost" a couple of years ago and found it again this morning in one of my journals. That led me to Amazon where I ordered her book "I Wish I Knew." I look forward to reading more of her poetry now that I know she's written books :)

We all have our unique bittersweet story. There's no set plan for grieving and no right or wrong way. There's no "closure." (I have difficulty reading or hearing the "perhaps they will find closure" phrase that gets used frequently in the media.)

My thoughts are generally a jumbled-up mess when it comes to child loss. From the beginning stages, I envisioned myself sitting on a fence and doing a balancing act with life on one side and death on the other. I love one dead son, Jason, and one living son, Adam. Adam grounds me here. My longing for all things connected to Jason makes me look forward to joining him. It is exhausting.

Life ebbs and flows like the ocean--sometimes rough and sometimes calm. I accept that I will never find a purpose for Jason's death and I will never be ok with it. I try my best to be grateful for my jumbled-up mess because it's all about love.
 
@Ronni, thank you for sharing your feelings with us about your loss. I have gone through several losses in my life. One book that helped me tremendously is called How Our Departed Ones Live by Monk Mitrophan.

This book really helped me deal with my loss of my husband because I discovered that we still have a connection with the deceased, although they are now in another dimension. Trust that your son is in a good place. I hope and pray that you find peace. May his memory be eternal.❤️🙏
 

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