Three Simple Life Rules

[Ronni]

I came across this on one of my support groups, and it hit me as a very succinct and profound blueprint for living life

Love needs action
Trust needs proof
Sorrow needs change

The first two are easy for me to grasp. We’ve ahead how Love is an action verb, not just a bunch of words without anything to back them up.

And of course trust is something that builds over time, proving that one can be trusted..or not.

Sorrow needs change was a bit more difficult for me to grasp. I realized that “sorrow” the way it’s stated here wouldn’t typically encompass catastrophic loss, which has become my frame of reference for sorrow. I think it’s more about situations/people that make you miserable, which would only be alleviated by changing whatever would make the situation more bearable.

What do you think?

 

[Della]

What do you think?

I think, Ronni, that reading your posts makes my chest clutch with fear. I can't even let myself sympathize or feel your pain for very long because you have suffered the one thing I think I could never withstand, so I run away in terror.

And yet you prove to me every single day that it can be tolerated. Simply by putting one foot in front of the other and changing the things you could control, like you did by moving to a different house, I think you are doing great. Yes, I think "change" sounds like a good plan. Keep making those changes, find any distractions you can tolerate -- gardening, book club, gym membership, jigsaw puzzles -- not that they would make anything better, but they might give your mind a rest for an hour or so.

You are a huge inspiration and model for me.

 

[hollydolly]

I think, Ronni, that reading your posts makes my chest clutch with fear. I can't even let myself sympathize or feel your pain for very long because you have suffered the one thing I think I could never withstand, so I run away in terror.

And yet you prove to me every single day that it can be tolerated. Simply by putting one foot in front of the other and changing the things you could control, like you did by moving to a different house, I think you are doing great. Yes, I think "change" sounds like a good plan. Keep making those changes, find any distractions you can tolerate -- gardening, book club, gym membership, jigsaw puzzles -- not that they would make anything better, but they might give your mind a rest for an hour or so.

You are a huge inspiration and model for me.

..agreed..and to many of us.....

 

[Ronni]

I think, Ronni, that reading your posts makes my chest clutch with fear. I can't even let myself sympathize or feel your pain for very long because you have suffered the one thing I think I could never withstand, so I run away in terror.

And yet you prove to me every single day that it can be tolerated. Simply by putting one foot in front of the other and changing the things you could control, like you did by moving to a different house, I think you are doing great. Yes, I think "change" sounds like a good plan. Keep making those changes, find any distractions you can tolerate -- gardening, book club, gym membership, jigsaw puzzles -- not that they would make anything better, but they might give your mind a rest for an hour or so.

You are a huge inspiration and model for me.

Thank you @Della, and @hollydolly too, but your kind words are misplaced. I’m nobody’s inspiration.

All you can know of me is what I post, not because I’m hiding anything but just because Its impossible to impart my day to day, hour by hour struggles, which are just ugly, and raw, and not inspiring by any stretch of the imagination.

On my bad days I snap and snarl, or sink into such a depressed state I’m almost catatonic. I rail against God. I don’t shower. I either can’t eat at all (I’ll just throw it up) or obsessively stuff myself. I’m manic one minute, depressive the next. I’m short tempered, resentful and intolerant.

These aren’t qualities to inspire. They’re the stuff of nightmare. I don’t choose to continue to put one foot in front of the other. I HAVE no choice. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to follow my son into death, willingly and with great relief. But I can’t, because I won’t do that to my children. They’ve suffered enough.

I’m raw and ineffably sad and on the very edge of tears all day, every minute.

@Della you said I’ve suffered the one thing you could never withstand. I was you at one time, before Devin died. I would frantically bounce away from ANYTHING having to do with the death of a child, whether it was a show on TV, a movie, a post on social media, an acquaintance’s loss, anything. I could barely tolerate even the thought, and would urgently turn my mind and heart away from any situation where that loss was happening. Even the thought of it happening to someone else was intolerable.

And now here I am, forced to endure the one thing that I knew, with absolute certainty, that I would never be able to withstand. And I’m not doing a very good job of it.

 

[hollydolly]

Thank you @Della, and @hollydolly too, but your kind words are misplaced. I’m nobody’s inspiration.

All you can know of me is what I post, not because I’m hiding anything but just because Its impossible to impart my day to day, hour by hour struggles, which are just ugly, and raw, and not inspiring by any stretch of the imagination.

On my bad days I snap and snarl, or sink into such a depressed state I’m almost catatonic. I rail against God. I don’t shower. I either can’t eat at all (I’ll just throw it up) or obsessively stuff myself. I’m manic one minute, depressive the next. I’m short tempered, resentful and intolerant.

These aren’t qualities to inspire. They’re the stuff of nightmare. I don’t choose to continue to put one foot in front of the other. I HAVE no choice. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to follow my son into death, willingly and with great relief. But I can’t, because I won’t do that to my children. They’ve suffered enough.

I’m raw and ineffably sad and on the very edge of tears all day, every minute.

@Della you said I’ve suffered the one thing you could never withstand. I was you at one time, before Devin died. I would frantically bounce away from ANYTHING having to do with the death of a child, whether it was a show on TV, a movie, a post on social media, an acquaintance’s loss, anything. I could barely tolerate even the thought, and would urgently turn my mind and heart away from any situation where that loss was happening. Even the thought of it happening to someone else was intolerable.

And now here I am, forced to endure the one thing that I knew, with absolute certainty, that I would never be able to withstand. And I’m not doing a very good job of it.

You misunderstand Ronni,.. we , at least I... I can't speak for Della.. do understand your anger, due to the loss of your son ...

I lost a child.. granted I never got to know that child as you did your son.. but I lost him as a baby and he was my beloved child .. .. I also lost my baby sister' s 2 children.. one killed as a teenager in a road accident , they other as a baby in a cot death... we also lost my ex husband's 23 year old so, my daughter's half brother who hung himself without anyone knowing he was suicidal ....

I know how it goes Ronni..I know the anger the fustration, the pain.... the begging God, the pleading, the promises to God if only he could send them back...I know this Ronni.... I know it all too well...

 

[Ronni]

You misunderstand Ronni,.. we , at least I... I can't speak for Della.. do understand your anger, due to the loss of your son ...

I lost a child.. granted I never got to know that child as you did your son.. but I lost him as a baby and he was my beloved child .. .. I also lost my baby sister' s 2 children.. one killed as a teenager in a road accident , they other as a baby in a cot death... we also lost my ex husband's 23 year old so, my daughter's half brother who hung himself without anyone knowing he was suicidal ....

I know how it goes Ronni..I know the anger the fustration, the pain.... the begging God, the pleading, the promises to God if only he could send them back...I know this Ronni.... I know it all too well...

I’m so sorry @hollydolly

 

[Della]

Sorry, Ronni, you're still my inspiration. I never imagined you were putting on a happy face all day long. I knew you were going through all that raw, ugly misery, and yet you keep going and that's what I admire so much.

I'm so sorry you lost a baby, Holly. How heartbreaking.