We met with our Realtor yesterday.

I understand your chosen path forward much better now and fully support your decisions.
You are smart, and as strong as one can possibly be in your circumstances.
That's going to serve you well in the future.
 

I don't mean any disrespect at all by saying this. Every journey of grief is different for each person.

But without our memories, WHO ARE WE?

I understand not wanting them to slap you in the face. There are streets I will not drive down because the memories of those places hurt so deeply, BUT, on the other hand, at times when I had no choice but to drive past those places, I have learned to tell the people there, alive or dead, who hurt me so badly (because the buildings did not hurt me - it was the people) to go ^&%$ themselves and I extend a hearty center finger - usually below the dashboard so other drivers won't think I'm cursing them to Hades.

That's a different kind of grief from losing a child, but it's still grief. The welling up of emotions, the overwhelming feelings, are the same - whether it's sorrow and tears or much anger - it's all emotions and memories and gives you something to deal with for a few minutes.

Gosh, I think the longest I've ever had to pull the car over and cry was maybe 20 minutes. But I take the time to do that, to feel the feelings and not repress them, because it's not healthy to keep tears or anger bottled up. They need to come out in safe ways, which is why I pull over. To shove them down can cause all kinds of problems with Denial, Repression, not being mentally present, etc. Even addictions, IMO, can start because people are repressing memories and not dealing with them. That is what I have learned over the years.

I'm not saying move or not move. I am not you, I don't have a husband to weigh in on the choice, and I have not lost a child.

I'm just saying, the memories are YOU. We are all our memories, aren't we?
 

VintageBetter said:
I don't mean any disrespect at all by saying this. Every journey of grief is different for each person.

But without our memories, WHO ARE WE?

I understand not wanting them to slap you in the face. There are streets I will not drive down because the memories of those places hurt so deeply, BUT, on the other hand, at times when I had no choice but to drive past those places, I have learned to tell the people there, alive or dead, who hurt me so badly (because the buildings did not hurt me - it was the people) to go ^&%$ themselves and I extend a hearty center finger - usually below the dashboard so other drivers won't think I'm cursing them to Hades.

That's a different kind of grief from losing a child, but it's still grief. The welling up of emotions, the overwhelming feelings, are the same - whether it's sorrow and tears or much anger - it's all emotions and memories and gives you something to deal with for a few minutes.

Gosh, I think the longest I've ever had to pull the car over and cry was maybe 20 minutes. But I take the time to do that, to feel the feelings and not repress them, because it's not healthy to keep tears or anger bottled up. They need to come out in safe ways, which is why I pull over. To shove them down can cause all kinds of problems with Denial, Repression, not being mentally present, etc. Even addictions, IMO, can start because people are repressing memories and not dealing with them. That is what I have learned over the years.

I'm not saying move or not move. I am not you, I don't have a husband to weigh in on the choice, and I have not lost a child.

I'm just saying, the memories are YOU. We are all our memories, aren't we?
Click to expand...
I have had 2 friends lose a child and it’s not like any other loss. It’s emotionally crippling, draining and all consuming. Parents have no choice but to experience daily overwhelming pain and suffering and anything they can do to alleviate some of their suffering is good for their mental health. They will never lose their memories of their child. They don’t need a physical house to store memories. Time is the only thing that helps and that takes years.

We are all different but Ronni knows what is good for her and her husband. In addition, they were thinking about moving prior and it will enable her 78 year old husband to retire which is smart at that age. He can’t work forever.
 
@Ronni after my father passed away my mother's future was in my hands. I was unable to move her at the time due to my career but I replaced most of her furniture so she had new surroundings. It did help. 6 years later I moved her out of state when I was able to move and her new surroundings made a world of difference.

I do agree with @VintageBetter that it is best to objectively consider all the pros and cons, but after you've done that a change of scenery could help. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best!
 
(((@Ronni)))
You said: "People deal with loss differently, as I've already mentioned. Losing Devin was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, the worst thing that will ever happen to me."

What I have bolded. I BEG you to take that back. I beg you. I'll try to explain why if you want me to, but I think in your heart of hearts you understand. (((Ronni)))
 
VintageBetter said:
I'm just saying, the memories are YOU. We are all our memories, aren't we?
Click to expand...
I appreciate your thoughtful response, though my take is very different. I may not have done a very good job of explaining.

I have many wonderful memories of Devin that I treasure, that are priceless to me. That’s all I have left of him in fact, those memories.

But there’s a big difference between those comforting memories, and the triggers that evoke anguished unwanted memories that assault me viciously and randomly. Those kinds of memories are intrusive and unwelcome and they’re outside of my control.

Those triggers make the intrusive memories feel as if they are happening right now. Things in this current moment can make me involuntarily recall the stuff I don’t want in my head, don’t want to think about, don’t ever want to remember again. But yet here I am, experiencing those awful things all over again when I’m triggered.

I don't want ever again to experience the moment I was told about his death, how I crashed to the floor screaming an animal scream like I’ve never screamed before, screaming for so long that I could only talk in a whisper for days after. The anguish of my children at the loss of their brother, the wretched awful hours after when we all huddled together in our grief unable to bear any one of us leaving the room, and so many more moments that were crushing and that broke me.

I can’t ever eliminate them, I know that. I wish I could, but even with every trigger removed they will still assault me during my many sleepless nights or the dark hours before the dawn.

But removing myself from those triggers will go a long way towards lessening those unwelcome thoughts that hurt so viciously. I will do whatever I can to make that happen because I can’t continue like this.
 
"Those triggers make the intrusive memories feel as if they are happening right now."

You have just written a simple, basic definition of PTSD. Have you talked to the group counselor about that? Is he/she qualified to help you with that?
 
VintageBetter said:
"Those triggers make the intrusive memories feel as if they are happening right now."

You have just written a simple, basic definition of PTSD. Have you talked to the group counselor about that? Is he/she qualified to help you with that?
Click to expand...

@VintageBetter , you were very perceptive to make that connection. It means there is much more Ronni can pursue for relief, over and above group and private counseling. Ronni doesn't fit in to most of the qualifications for PTSD but she does possibly fit into one...she "learned someone close to her experienced a traumatic event"

The Mayo Clinic is my respected go-to online but I'm not suggesting it's Mayo's way or the highway:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Diagnosis and treatment - Mayo Clinic

American Psychological Association is well respected too.
Strongly Recommended
  1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) » ...
  2. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) » ...
  3. Cognitive Therapy » ...
  4. Prolonged Exposure » ...
  5. Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy » ...
  6. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy » ...
  7. Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET) » ...
  8. Medications »
Treatments for PTSD
 
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@Lara and @VintageBetter Just so we’re clear, I’m pursuing as many avenues of relief as finances and time will allow. If you’ve had any therapy at all, you’ll know that there isn’t a one size fits all approach, that one modality will work better than another depending on the person, that there must be a good fit between therapist and patient. Tailoring that to form a cohesive fit does take time and money which is why I’m also pursuing group therapy and support groups and self help organizations.

This has been a wretched, agonizing few months and more than once I didn’t believe I was going to survive. Sometimes so still think that. I will continue to pursue any and all relief I can, because it’s not going to get a whole lot better anytime soon.

Environmental, geographical changes are a valid form of therapy for relief of symptoms.
 
You're doing all you can do Ronni and I applaud you. But did you you know that in Tennessee, if you struggle with your mental health, you may be entitled to a range of welfare benefits. Disabilities caused by mental health problems are supposed to be treated the same as physical disabilities in the benefits system.
 
Lara said:
You're doing all you can do Ronni and I applaud you. But did you you know that in Tennessee, if you struggle with your mental health, you may be entitled to a range of welfare benefits. Disabilities caused by mental health problems are supposed to be treated the same as physical disabilities in the benefits system.
Click to expand...
Thanks Lara, yeah I’ve explored that some, but no luck so far. I need to push on that angle some more. I don’t have a lot of horsepower some days so I have to pick and choose where to use up my energy.
 
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Lara said:
@VintageBetter , you were very perceptive to make that connection. It means there is much more Ronni can pursue for relief, over and above group and private counseling. Ronni doesn't fit in to most of the qualifications for PTSD but she does possibly fit into one...she "learned someone close to her experienced a traumatic event"

The Mayo Clinic is my respected go-to online but I'm not suggesting it's Mayo's way or the highway:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Diagnosis and treatment - Mayo Clinic

American Psychological Association is well respected too.
Strongly Recommended
  1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) » ...
  2. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) » ...
  3. Cognitive Therapy » ...
  4. Prolonged Exposure » ...
  5. Brief Eclectic Psychotherapy » ...
  6. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy » ...
  7. Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET) » ...
  8. Medications »
Treatments for PTSD
Click to expand...
The author of that famous PTSD book, "The Body Keeps the Score", smirks at the idea of CBT being effective for PTSD and having read his book and seen one of his presentations on YouTube, I very much agree with him. (I actually wrote a research paper on CBT for a program I was in long ago, and in my research I even found a few CBT practitioners who plain out said, "CBT doesn't ways work for everyone or every issue." THAT was such a revelation because every therapist seems to use it! WHY is it promoted by all when it only works for some??? )

CBT seems to be the one-size-fits-all-approach in my area. That sucks. Psychotherapy, which Van Der Kolk says can help, is not favored by insurance companies because it can take so long. Or at least that is what I have read.

There are many interviews with him on YouTube now. Here's one:

Maybe everyone in my area thinks they need PTSD therapy now, and maybe many more do because 2020 - 2022 was a very traumatic time for many of us, plus I live near a trauma-filled, very high cost of living city. Not having enough money causes chronic anxiety, IMO, or adds to it. But anyway, I cannot find a trauma therapist. They are all booked. Not many do EMDR and those that do won't accept my MA plan.

But I would love to work with one for about a year. Good luck with that, I say to myself. Maybe you can find one in your area @Ronni , if you think you need one.
 
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@Ronni, having gotten to know you pretty well on this forum over the past nearly six years, it's pretty clear that you're deeply intuitive. Also plenty smart enough to figure out what kind of therapy works for you and what doesn't, and also what's triggering sadness and deep despair.

Your and Ron's decision to move has obviously been well thought out and decided on as the right step for the two of you. Moving might not be right for someone else suffering a traumatic loss, but they're not living your life.

As my kids would say, you gotta do you.

May you soon find peace and calm restored to your soul. ❤️
 
StarSong said:
@Ronni, having gotten to know you pretty well on this forum over the past nearly six years, it's pretty clear that you're deeply intuitive. Also plenty smart enough to figure out what kind of therapy works for you and what doesn't, and also what's triggering sadness and deep despair.

Your and Ron's decision to move has obviously been well thought out and decided on as the right step for the two of you. Moving might not be right for someone else suffering a traumatic loss, but they're not living your life.

As my kids would say, you gotta do you.

May you soon find peace and calm restored to your soul. ❤️
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Thanks so much @StarSong. I appreciate the support and encouragement. ❤️

Something I forgot to mention, but is a further indication that this is completely the right thing to do, when I told my 3 kids who live here in Nashville with me, they were all so relieved! Happy for me of course, but as Cameron (son #4) put it, “it’s been torture coming to your house to visit, Mom.”

Neither he nor the other kids have ever said anything negative about visiting, coming over for family stuff etc since Devin died, but in talking to them about the move, it became apparent that they all felt the same way, that they have triggers and upsets and very negative feelings associated with this location. And that they agreed amongst themselves that they would never tell me because I had enough to deal with and they would just suck it up and deal with it so as not to make me feel bad.

I love them so much for that. ❤️

Their feelings about this just affirm that our decision is the right one.
 
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@Ronni ..this sounds like forward thinking to me. You are staying in the same area…still with the same opportunities and people you know. Embrace the change. Let a little excitement and joy creep into this process. A new abode gives opportunity to nest based upon where you currently are in taste and situation. Good luck…this will work.
 
Update. We’ve spent the last 3 weeks working on the house to get it ready for our realtor to list it. He did another walk through with us yesterday to see what we’d accomplished. He was impressed, and said the house is ready.

The photographer is scheduled for Friday to take interior, exterior, and drone shots. He’ll take a day or so to process and edit the shots as needed, and while we’re waiting on that Damien will meet with us again to draw up the paperwork for the listing. We need to decide what will convey and what will go (drapes, appliances and the like) so he can cover that in the listing.

As this is a custom remodeled home, there are many extras that he also wants to note, as well as explaining the additional buildings on the property. He’d like to have it hit the market by the end of the weekend/beginning of next week.
 
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Wishing you smooth sailing on this whole process. One positive is knowing that Ron can fix reasonable problems in a potential new place and will have extra time if he gets to retire. Fingers crossed.
 

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