Well, dang, after three years in remission, cancer is back

[Aneeda72]

What is your feeling about dying? Are you worried about it? Do you accept it? Do you look forward to it?

@Inept I look forward to it for sure. Since I am a believer, I have no fear of death . I only fear for my youngest son, who has DS, and while he is 38 years old now, in reality he is only 6 years old. He will be so upset when I die; and I talk to him about it a lot. I am only “holding on” because of him and my other disabled boy. Both of these sons are in the process of dying.

When his grandma died, a couple of years ago at 97 years of age, he was crushed. Even though he not had seen or talked to her in years. It took him months to accept it. He couldn’t attend her funeral, saying he “would cry too much”. He would often ask how she was, and then realize she was dead and be re traumatized. Finally, he accepted it and saw her grave, but he can’t go there very often. It upsets him so much and his understanding is so limited.

 

[Inept]

..... Henrys roll as a PTSD dog will, ..... help with my husband .

I'm just dying to ask but I'll wait to see if you tell us without coaxing.

 

[Inept]

@Inept I look forward to it for sure. Since I am a believer, I have no fear of death .

I only fear for my youngest son, who has DS, and while he is 38 years old now, in reality he is only 6 years old. He will be so upset when I die; and I talk to him about it a lot. I am only “holding on” because of him and my other disabled boy. Both of these sons are in the process of dying.

I'm fighting against tears right now. I won't explain.

When his grandma died, a couple of years ago at 97 years of age, he was crushed. Even though he not had seen or talked to her in years. It took him months to accept it. He couldn’t attend her funeral, saying he “would cry too much”. He would often ask how she was, and then realize she was dead and be re traumatized. Finally, he accepted it and saw her grave, but he can’t go there very often. It upsets him so much and his understanding is so limited.

Aneeda ................

 

[officerripley]

So sorry for all this, Aneeda. I'm hoping for the very best for you, hugs.

 

[Della]

Since I am a believer, I have no fear of death . I only fear for my youngest son, who has DS, and while he is 38 years old now, in reality he is only 6 years old. He will be so upset when I die; and I talk to him about it a lot. I am only “holding on” because of him and my other disabled boy. Both of these sons are in the process of dying.

I'm just now seeing all this Aneeda. I'm so sorry and so impressed with you and your attitude.

I too live for my son. I had a cancer scare when I was thirty and prayed that God would let me live until he was grown-- never guessing that he would still need me at 56. I'm praying that you hang on for yourself and for them.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

What was your blood pressure blood before receiving medication?
Mine was quite high. 179 /98 ish.
My doctor put me on perindo/indapa 4 /1.25mg. Now my blood pressure is around 85 /78 with a heart beat between 57 and 62.

He says walking is good for blood pressure so I walk most days. The last few days it has been raining and I have a cold I can’t seem to shake.

Do you walk at all for exercise on a daily bases?

You have a very good attitude considering.
Do you have anyone to talk to?
A counsellor or therapist to help you sort out your feelings?

I Iive for my husband. He is the main reason I am around. He’s my sole / soul purpose in life.

 

[Remy]

I'm so sorry. This is tremendous to deal with.

 

[Aneeda72]

I'm just dying to ask but I'll wait to see if you tell us without coaxing.

A lot people know of my husband issues, so not really going into too many details anymore. He is a very difficult person, Vietnam marine veteran. PTSD. Total jackass. Mean guy. Fill in whatever blanks you want, you probably won’t be wrong. But, what the heck, us being such great friends. I will share this.

Recently, couple weeks ago, when I started getting sick again, he told me he never loved me. Didn’t love me when first got married. Guess he thinks I give a duck. We’ve been married 53 years. I looked at him and replied.

Me: “So you are saying you”ve never loved me. Didn’t love me then, don’t love me now.” Yes, he replies. Hmm.

Me: “So you’ve financially supported me for 53 years. You adopted my child from another marriage. Yet, you’ve never loved me.” He replies “Yes”. “And you still refuse to move out or give me a divorce?” Him “Yes”.

Me: “Well, I admit that I’ve been wrong all these years as well. I’ve always thought you were faking being stupid. But now I see. You really are stupid.”

He stares at me. I stare at him. He turns and walks away.

I have made great, really great strides in the last couple of years of how to handle his crazy.

 

[Aneeda72]

What was your blood pressure blood before receiving medication?
Mine was quite high. 179 /98 ish.
My doctor put me on perindo/indapa 4 /1.25mg. Now my blood pressure is around 85 /78 with a heart beat between 57 and 62.

He says walking is good for blood pressure so I walk most days. The last few days it has been raining and I have a cold I can’t seem to shake.

Do you walk at all for exercise on a daily bases?

You have a very good attitude considering.
Do you have anyone to talk to?
A counsellor or therapist to help you sort out your feelings?

I Iive for my husband. He is the main reason I am around. He’s my sole / soul purpose in life.

I walk 6 to 8 miles a day. Obviously not all at once.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

I walk 6 to 8 miles a day. Obviously not all at once.

That’s a little of walking. You’re probably in better shape than me. That’s really good Anneda. Try and keep it up.

 

[Aneeda72]

I'm just now seeing all this Aneeda. I'm so sorry and so impressed with you and your attitude.

I too live for my son. I had a cancer scare when I was thirty and prayed that God would let me live until he was grown-- never guessing that he would still need me at 56. I'm praying that you hang on for yourself and for them.

My son Jonathan has quad CP, seizure disorder, has had cancer, an IQ of 80, and can neither read nor write. He got very sick last year, continues to be very ill and has had multiple hospitalizations in ICU this year. He decided on palliative care. Refuses all interventions. “Tell them mom, I am ready to die.” And I did.

He is LDS, decided on his own to quit being Catholic and become LDS. Asked me if it’s ok. I told him of course, you’re a man, do what you want. He’s 41. He knows he's dying. He knows his brother is dying. He understands what death is. He’s a real believer. He KNOWS God is with him.

During his last hospitalization I asked him why he kept staring at the ceiling. He replied because I am going there. You are going to the ceiling? No, he laughs, heaven to be with God. You want to meet a strong person? Meet him. He’s amazing.

I asked him what he wanted this year for Xmas. He replied only one thing-a Bible. He can’t read. He wants a Bible. Now, there my friends, is a TRUE believer who has only heard the word of GOD and believes.

 

[Della]

Wow Aneeda. It's said that God allows people to be disabled in order to show God's grace. Your Jonathan just showed God's Grace to me.

 

[Della]

deleted

 

[papa tiger]

Sorry to hear of all your troubles Aneeda72.
If you can get a med card for Medical Marijuana, that will relieve all your symptoms?
I don't but my wife has, she swears by it. Relaxes pain much,
most all your built-up stress will evaporate so will your high blood pressure.

 

[Inept]

A lot people know of my husband issues, so not really going into too many details anymore. He is a very difficult person, Vietnam marine veteran. PTSD. Total jackass. Mean guy. Fill in whatever blanks you want, you probably won’t be wrong. But, what the heck, us being such great friends. I will share this.

Recently, couple weeks ago, when I started getting sick again, he told me he never loved me. Didn’t love me when first got married. Guess he thinks I give a duck. We’ve been married 53 years. I looked at him and replied.

Me: “So you are saying you”ve never loved me. Didn’t love me then, don’t love me now.” Yes, he replies. Hmm.

Me: “So you’ve financially supported me for 53 years. You adopted my child from another marriage. Yet, you’ve never loved me.” He replies “Yes”. “And you still refuse to move out or give me a divorce?” Him “Yes”.

Me: “Well, I admit that I’ve been wrong all these years as well. I’ve always thought you were faking being stupid. But now I see. You really are stupid.”

He stares at me. I stare at him. He turns and walks away.

I have made great, really great strides in the last couple of years of how to handle his crazy.

I am going through something rather similar but you give me strength in knowing you are enduring it indefinitely. I don't know if I can continue regarding myself in the third person and take it with an academic interest. Some days I think yes and some days I think no. I must ask your opinion: Do you get any satisfaction in the thought that you are punishing him by keeping him within reach?

 

[Aneeda72]

Sorry to hear of all your troubles Aneeda72.
If you can get a med card for Medical Marijuana, that will relieve all your symptoms?
I don't but my wife has, she swears by it. Relaxes pain much,
most all your built-up stress will evaporate so will your high blood pressure.

My doctor talked to me about medical marijuana, but I decided against it

 

[Aneeda72]

I am going through something rather similar but you give me strength in knowing you are enduring it indefinitely. I don't know if I can continue regarding myself in the third person and take it with an academic interest. Some days I think yes and some days I think no. I must ask your opinion: Do you get any satisfaction in the thought that you are punishing him by keeping him within reach?

I don’t understand your question. Punishing him? He is an adult with an IQ of 145. He is not chained to the furniture. There are 3 doors on this mobile home, he can walk out of any of them. I don’t need him “in reach”. I get satisfaction that I’ve survived this marriage in one piece.

Try living with a Vietnam marine veteran with PTSD and a high level of rage. See how you do. My leaving was never an option for reasons obvious to anyone married to a veteran who’s been in a war zone.

But he is aware he’s got a good thing going by staying here. How do I know that? Cause he’s told me that. You couldn’t pry him out of this marriage. How do I know that? Cause he’s here. I do most everything as he sits on his butt and eats. I have saved his life a few times by getting him appropriate medical care. Cause I am a responsible caring human being.

I am the one that read his last CT scan (not his doctors) and saw the incidental finding of his heart issue, and got him to a cardiologist. I am his caretaker when he needs a caretaker, and he needs a caretaker, as most men and women do. (He’s sure not staying for the sex. .)

But he’s not my caretaker. A few years back, I had hip surgery. My doctor did not prescribe enough of an increase in my prednisone. I have Addison’s disease. I went into Addison crisis. Addison crisis put me in and out of AFIB. Cause I have a rare form of AFIB. I asked him to call the paramedics for me, because the confusion was starting to hit me hard. And I couldn’t manage.

He said, no, I’ll just watch you die. And he tossed me the phone and walked out of the room. Later, I asked him why he left me to die. He said “cause you‘re worth less to me than the dog I just rehomed.” Trust me, you are NOT going through something similar.

You can not compare my situation to yours or anyone’s else’s. I can not compare my situation to anyone else’s. We make choices, we live with them. I take responsibility for my choices, the good and bad. We can not judge what others do, or what we do. Each moment of each day is what it is. There are no do over, only regrets and hindsight.

 

[Mizmo]

@Aneeda72
So sorry for you and understand completely how you are feeling.
I wish you the very best and the strength to get through it.

I am in 'remission' from BCell lymphoma and these last few months seeing, feeling, signs that could be or not ............??
December is my month for checks.
No more chemotherapy for me.

At my very old age , alone and no use for religion I will take what comes with no protest and luck has nothing to do with it.
You have much to contend with but you must keep yourself strong and protest with all your might.

 

[Pinky]

@Aneeda72 , it sounds as though your new pup could become your therapy assistance dog. They can bring so much comfort.

It makes me angry and sad that your husband treats you so unkindly - you are a Saint to put up with him.

 

[Aneeda72]

@Aneeda72 , it sounds as though your new pup could become your therapy assistance dog. They can bring so much comfort.

It makes me angry and sad that your husband treats you so unkindly - you are a Saint to put up with him.

Not a Saint for sure, but thanks. He is mentally ill. I’ve learned to cope-sometimes better than other times. When he’s not being completely irrational, as the examples I’ve mentioned, he actually can be a great person. The person I thought I was marrying.

He is a good provider for a guy with only a high school education. And while we have been very very poor at times, He always worked. We never went hungry, we always had a place to live, we were always warm in the winter. It has not been a good marriage, but married in the church, is married in the church. It is what it is.

 

[papa tiger]

Maybe look into Parasites and Ivermectin?
Parasites cause a lot of stuff. I don't know where you live,
it is just an obvious problem from many areas.
Best lhopes to you while you're going thru this painful stomach time!

 

[Inept]

I don’t understand your question. Punishing him?

By you being there, he with somone he has little regard for.

But he is aware he’s got a good thing going by staying here.

That's what I am talking about.

You can not compare my situation to yours or anyone’s else’s.

No.

 

[Gardenlover]

Me: “Well, I admit that I’ve been wrong all these years as well. I’ve always thought you were faking being stupid. But now I see. You really are stupid.”

This actually had me laugh out loud.

Aneeda, I'm so sorry you have and are going though so many hardships. I wish you much happiness.

 

[Aneeda72]

By you being there, he with somone he has little regard for.

That's what I am talking about.

No.

Well, he has little regard for anyone due to mental illness. His indifference to his family resulted in his mother legally disowning him. And even though his indifference to me is hurtful, it’s not personal-strange as that seems.

He was in a war zone. Friends died, people blown apart, constant bombing, etc. a different culture and on and on and on. It was not a vacation. He was 18. Everyone comes back changed. It affects everyone differently. No one comes back untouched.

Survivor guilt is crushing as well. But enough, I no longer plan to talk about it.

 

[Aneeda72]

This actually had me laugh out loud.

Aneeda, I'm so sorry you have and are going though so many hardships. I wish you much happiness.

I have found staying calm, reacting with my brand of humor, works better than the over reactive me I used to be. Plus, it throws him off .