What advice would you give the younger generation that is about to get married?

Considering that some of us "advisers" are working on our second, and third marriages, maybe we aren't the role models we think we are. And what is considered a "good" marriage is changing. Gone are the days of daddy, as the sole bread winner: and mom wearing her pearls as she kept house. Marriage is evolving with the times. Roles are changing.
 

Some of the above "advice to others" seem more a reflection on the posters' own marital issues than good general advice. Nevertheless, as someone who's only been married once, and for nearly 40 years, I'll throw some of my own wisdom onto the heap.

Don't be a virgin or feel compelled to marry the first person you have sex with. Satisfying strong physical desires to get horizontal is among the worst reasons to get married.

Definitely live together first. While not a perfect predictor of how you'll get along when cohabiting, it's way ahead of whatever's in second place.

Speak nicely to one another and about one another.

Be kind. This is the person you've chosen to face the world with. So what if you occasionally pick up his/her dirty socks? You've got annoying habits of your own - trust me.

DON'T CHEAT! Know that you and your spouse will find other people attractive from time to time. Run, don't walk, away from these temptations. Infidelity makes underlying marital problems ten times worse. If your marriage is over, end it with grace & dignity without adding damage.
(Fortunately, neither my husband nor I ever cheated, but I sure saw it destroy a lot of marriages over the years.)
 
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treeguy64 said:
Don't get married unless you want to have kids and, even then, give it some more thought. Once you tie the knot, you're letting the government and lawyers gain a way to control your life.

Even some forty years after the fact, a divorce can make selling your own properties a challenge, if you don't have certified copies of every single divorce document you drew up wayyyyyy back when. Very uncool......
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I agree 101 percent. That is one reason my daughter does not want to get married... she feel its too Government controlled. But if she find the right guy for her, she may change her mind.
 

StarSong said:
Some of the above "advice to others" seem more a reflection on the posters' own marital issues than good general advice. Nevertheless, as someone who's only been married once, and for nearly 40 years, I'll throw some of my own wisdom onto the heap.

Don't be a virgin or feel compelled to marry the first person you have sex with. Satisfying strong physical desires to get horizontal is among the worst reasons to get married.

Definitely live together first. While not a perfect predictor of how you'll get along when cohabiting, it's way ahead of whatever's in second place.

Speak nicely to one another and about one another.

Be kind. This is the person you've chosen to face the world with. So what if you occasionally pick up his/her dirty socks? You've got annoying habits of your own - trust me.

DON'T CHEAT! Know that you and your spouse will find other people attractive from time to time. Run, don't walk, away from these temptations. Infidelity makes underlying marital problems ten times worse. If your marriage is over, end it with grace & dignity without adding damage.
(Fortunately, neither my husband nor I ever cheated, but I sure saw it destroy a lot of marriages over the years.)
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Love your post. My "don'ts" are things I did not consider prior to getting married but a few I wish I had done. I was not a virgin, I did not check credit score nor health records (I understand the health records are a bit of a stretch), my hubby and I lived together but only for a short time before we got married. I lived with another guy for several years before my hubby and I got married... soo glad I did not marry that guy..whewww.

The "living together" I am on the fence with that..as other things in life it has its Pros and Cons. I definitely agree with the Don't Cheat..it does make marriage a lot worst...the person that was cheated on will find it very hard to forgive. Hubby and I have not faced this in our 35 years of marriage. If I feel I have to cheat or he has to cheat, in my opinion the marriage is headed for a slippery slope downhill.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Considering that some of us "advisers" are working on our second, and third marriages, maybe we aren't the role models we think we are. And what is considered a "good" marriage is changing. Gone are the days of daddy, as the sole bread winner: and mom wearing her pearls as she kept house. Marriage is evolving with the times. Roles are changing.
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I agree to a certain degree. There are still non working moms keeping house..raising the kids. The definition of a good marriage is different for married couples. What I think a good marriage is may be different from what someone else thinks. Do I think I have a good marriage, yes, a perfect marriage HECK NO, far from it and still a work in progress after 35 years.
 
win231 said:
I heard a psychiatrist on TV say something interesting about shacking up (living together). He said, when you live together without being married, neither one of you will be yourselves - meaning you're getting the emotional, physical & financial advantages without the commitment of marriage, so you won't do anything to spoil the situation, like honestly express your likes & dislikes. Therefore, you won't really be "getting to know each other & seeing if you're compatible."
I don't know if he was right, but...my ex & I shacked up for 2 years before we were married. The marriage only lasted 2 years.
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That has a lot of truth to it. To each is own but for me, I cannot see living with someone for years without being married. Everyone is different and as someone stated, its a personal decision. I shacked up with a guy for about 4 years and after we broke up..I told myself shacking up was not for me. When hubby and I started dating, I shared with him I was not looking to shack up... we lived together less than a year before we got married. Had we lived together a few years, I am not sure if we would have married..we probably would have broke up and went our separate ways. Again, to each is own.
 
Capt Lightning said:
Summed up nicely Duster. When we went to see the minister about getting married, the first thing he asked was if we had our own home. He said that this, along with a good financial position were the foundations of a good marriage.

For us it's 46 years and getting better all the time.
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I don't disagree with anything that you've said and 46 years is something to be proud of in this day and age, but - - - -with my wife to be, still in her teens and I, not much older and in the military with no job to come home to ???? I think your minister would have been dismayed at our plight. Neither of us from wealthy families, we grunted and groaned through the early days and are still plugging along towards our 64th anniversary in February.

I'm amazed that anyone would expect a couple of folks as young as we were. to have a home and a good financial position but "Congrats" on your long and happy journey.
 
DaveA said:
I don't disagree with anything that you've said and 46 years is something to be proud of in this day and age, but - - - -with my wife to be, still in her teens and I, not much older and in the military with no job to come home to ???? I think your minister would have been dismayed at our plight. Neither of us from wealthy families, we grunted and groaned through the early days and are still plugging along towards our 64th anniversary in February.

I'm amazed that anyone would expect a couple of folks as young as we were. to have a home and a good financial position but "Congrats" on your long and happy journey.
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I would think that minister was referring to a nest of their own, i.e., not having to live with one set of parents or the other. So an apartment or similar set up.

I never knew any people in their teens or twenties who owned a home when entering a first marriage in the 60s-80s. Not saying they didn't exist, but they would have been very rare birds indeed.
 
Thinking back I wouldn't have taken anyone's advice however live with them for a year first because once you live with someone you see them 'warts and all'. Those who are older can have some deeply ingrained irritating habits that are awful hard to live with --my first wife snored! And I had some little nasties that I wont repeat here LOL
 
RadishRose said:
Ques. What advice would you give the younger generation that is about to get married?

Answ. Don't take anyone else's advice.
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My Grandson and hiis fiancé are getting married in August...I don't give advice to my kids....They are in love, settled down and own a home.."They are ready"... They both have great jobs.....Whatever will be, will be.....The future is theirs to see...Kasara sara!!!!!!
 
DaveA said:
I don't disagree with anything that you've said and 46 years is something to be proud of in this day and age, but - - - -with my wife to be, still in her teens and I, not much older and in the military with no job to come home to ???? I think your minister would have been dismayed at our plight. Neither of us from wealthy families, we grunted and groaned through the early days and are still plugging along towards our 64th anniversary in February.

I'm amazed that anyone would expect a couple of folks as young as we were. to have a home and a good financial position but "Congrats" on your long and happy journey.
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Love your Post @DaveA . I soooo agree. Hubby and I were young as well..our finances were not in order nor did we have a house. We have had many obstacles in our marriage.. we are still a work in progress.. 35 years and I can say there is love and we do have a house and finances are not bad. When young people are starting out, it takes time to build financial stability. Look at Doctors and Lawyers.. the ones that had to start from ground 0.. Even Tyler Perry. Those are just a few examples. On the flip side.. my daughter is 27 years old and when she decide to marry and settle down, I would hope her husband is financially secure and has a home of his own or they work toward obtaining a home. She likes men a bit older than her..that's why I would think he would be financial stable.
 
Lakeland living said:
I don't need a minister or who ever to tell me that I care about someone.
Make sure you know who you are settling down with and how well you know that person. Planning to change
them later will not work.
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A M E N!!!! Change comes from within when you feel you need it. Trying to change someone is draining. If they change for you.. it will be temporarily, it will not last.
 
I give my 27 yr old advice and pass down wisdom to her. Whether she take it or not, I can say I passed it on. I am so glad my mom passed down a lot of wisdom to me.. and a lot of that wisdom was not in vain. I think my daughter has listened to the things I taught her through the years and the rest she will learn through life lessons. She understands I am not one that will always come to her rescue..she has to figure it out first. Coming to a child's rescue all the time does them no justice. We have to allow them to figure it out.. that's called GROWTH.
 
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When Prince William and Kate were in Ottawa a number of years ago planting a tree, just after they were married I believe. Prince William spotted my Grandparents who just celebrated their 79th year anniversary. So Prince William asked my Grandfather what was the secret to a long happy marriage. My Grandfather with his straightest face says to Prince William, "Learn to Duck" Well they thought that was the greatest. Both Grandparents passed shortly before their 80th...
 
peppermint said:
My Grandson and hiis fiancé are getting married in August...I don't give advice to my kids....They are in love, settled down and own a home.."They are ready"... They both have great jobs.....Whatever will be, will be.....The future is theirs to see...Kasara sara!!!!!!
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This post was a while ago....Yes my grandson and fiancé are getting married....But I have a But....Being what is going on with Corno virus....they changed the date till
Next year in August....But they are still in love and have a home …..We thought that
they made a good decision...
 


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