What to do about driving.

My father had a stroke and didn't drive for several
months, hen he drove to town and took my nephew
with him, on the way home, he run off the road slightly
and on to the grass, he corrected that drove the last
50 yards and told my mother about it, he handed her
the keys and said that he would never drive again!

He didn't.

Mike.
 

Papawayne said:
I have been placed in a bad spot. My wife and daughter have just informed me that my mother has told them that my stepdad. we call him PawPaw, has been making some dangerous mistakes in his driving and my mother is very concerned. They have completed a form, issued by the DMV which, when processed and mailed to PawPaw, will require him to take an extensive driving evaluation. They want me to give the completed form to my mother for her to mail in. I am of the opinion that I should first consult with PawPaw instead of doing this behind his back but they believe he will refuse. What say you? Thanks for your help.
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I think you all should have a long talk with PawPaw -- not about the form, but about what's going on. The next step will depend upon how that goes.
 
Papawayne said:
Yes, terrible. I just hate to do it behind his back.
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his failing driving skills are obviously a big concern, but doing anything about it behind his back... not gonna end well.

my brother's mil drove till over 90! not very often and not very far. brother said she almost hit him.. while he was mowing lawn... in middle of front yard.
 

Papawayne said:
Yes, terrible. I just hate to do it behind his back.
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The notion of "anonymous tips" was created for just this sort of situation. You already know the right thing to do. Do it.

I was diagnosed with "sleep apnea" a few years ago and doctors have the responsibility to report it to the appropriate authorities. So one day I received a letter from the traffic authority stating that I would lose my driver's license if I could not provide a document stating that I could continue driving under certain circumstances. Falling asleep at the wheel is serious business. I did the right thing and voluntarily gave up my license.
 
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Papawayne said:
I have been placed in a bad spot. My wife and daughter have just informed me that my mother has told them that my stepdad. we call him PawPaw, has been making some dangerous mistakes in his driving and my mother is very concerned. They have completed a form, issued by the DMV which, when processed and mailed to PawPaw, will require him to take an extensive driving evaluation. They want me to give the completed form to my mother for her to mail in. I am of the opinion that I should first consult with PawPaw instead of doing this behind his back but they believe he will refuse. What say you? Thanks for your help.
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What's the problem here? I see none. He will be tested to determine if he is suitable for operating a motor vehicle in traffic with the express purpose of seeing whether or not he is a danger to the community. You are not the one administrating the tests so your participation is not one of condemnation.
 
Do it together with your mother and other family members,
make so that he understands that you all don't want to see
him being injured and have to visit hospital, or worse, also
your mother is frightened, because of too many young fast
drivers that are upsetting her when he gets surprised with
any inconsiderate driver forcing things like overtaking at a
bad place, etc., etc., etc.

Make it a concern for his wellbeing and not about his driving,
which is being upset by other road users.

Mike.
 
I would try talking with him about it, if your mother doesn't want to or cannot sufficiently talk with him about it.

If I were him, I wouldn't want things done behind my back,
or to have a different authority of any type notified,
unless it had already been discussed with me, and I was given time to discuss and think about it, and possibly agree on something.
Such as perhaps he is safe under certain driving conditions but not others, and he might be willing to limit himself,
or, perhaps he has noticed some driving difficulty, but not aware it 's becoming worse or a concern for others safety and his own.

Myself, I would rather choose when and how much to give it up,
and I'd rather give it up myself at some point,
rather than receiving a letter that I must prove something to the outside authorities.

If I was unreasonable about it, then I'd be aware of what would happen (then, notify with the form if necessary) and so, he'd be forewarned, if nothing else.
But perhaps a better solution could be agreed on.
 
Ok, so I spoke gently with PawPaw yesterday. He responded very well but, just as I suspected, taking a driving evaluation was not something he was interested in doing at all. My Daughter wasn't happy with me because I mentioned Mom's being afraid, to him, and that got my Wife perturbed at me as well. Anyway, after raising 3 kids over the years, I'm used to being the "bad guy". But the headache I had yesterday is gone (a rare occurrence but probably brought on by the stress/worry of what I had to do). Now that he knows maybe Mom can handle it. We'll see. I am praying about it as well.
 
Depends on each individual. Some drivers have been lousy drivers throughout all of their years. Used poor judgement, aggressive, wandering attention, etc. These things are magnified as one's physical reactions begin to slow but it makes a big difference (IMHO) where you start from. Some folks are still safe and reliable to a ripe old age while some never were good drivers at any age.
 
DaveA said:
Depends on each individual. Some drivers have been lousy drivers throughout all of their years. Used poor judgement, aggressive, wandering attention, etc. These things are magnified as one's physical reactions begin to slow but it makes a big difference (IMHO) where you start from. Some folks are still safe and reliable to a ripe old age while some never were good drivers at any age.
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so true. only rode in car with sil driving ONCE. thought i was gonna die a fiery death at a low speed in supermarket parking lot. she was clueless that there are actually lanes in a parking lot. you still need to stay right no matter where you are in the lot. those WIDE lanes that often cut across the entire lot... you have to stop and look (like with a stop sign) before crossing.
 
Here is a very good web page from PennDOT or the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation that may give you somethings to consider before talking to Paw Paw. Good luck with handling this situation.

PennDOT
 
Papawayne said:
Ok, so I spoke gently with PawPaw yesterday. He responded very well but, just as I suspected, taking a driving evaluation was not something he was interested in doing at all. My Daughter wasn't happy with me because I mentioned Mom's being afraid, to him, and that got my Wife perturbed at me as well. Anyway, after raising 3 kids over the years, I'm used to being the "bad guy". But the headache I had yesterday is gone (a rare occurrence but probably brought on by the stress/worry of what I had to do). Now that he knows maybe Mom can handle it. We'll see. I am praying about it as well.
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I know nothing about your role as "the bad guy" in the family but here are three points to take very seriously:

1). You are not the "bad guy" for saving lives in this situation.
2). PawPaw's disdain over being evaluated makes him the "bad guy".
3). Anyone in the family who is perturbed with you or who thinks you'd be doing wrong by insisting Pawpaw be examined is the "bad guy" and also a nasty so-and-so!
FINAL ANALYSIS: Please excuse me for saying it but it seems to me that you are the only "good guy" in your whole family.
 
Papawayne said:
I guess I can give the envelope to my mother, ask her not to ride with PawPaw until the evaluation is completed.
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Quit pussy-footing around. You should all be telling him what a menace he has become. He is unsafe in traffic and he is risking the lives of family members and strangers on the road. Tell him. Show him that you are angry with his recklessness and his nonchalant attitude. Hold him accountable for his actions.
 
Papawayne said:
My Daughter wasn't happy with me because I mentioned Mom's being afraid, to him, and that got my Wife perturbed at me as well.
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I would be upset too. You have now given him someone to blame. If he has the start of dementia, his personality can change.

Papawayne said:
He responded very well but, just as I suspected, taking a driving evaluation was not something he was interested in doing at all.
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So what happens now. He just keeps driving? Nothing has been solved, IMO.

As being distant but aware of similar family situation, it hasn’t gone well. His doctor told him he couldn’t drive. He drove even after agreeing not to. He had his license taken. He was still driving. He’s blaming his wife. He’s cranky with her.
 
Jules said:
I would be upset too. You have now given him someone to blame. If he has the start of dementia, his personality can change.


So what happens now. He just keeps driving? Nothing has been solved, IMO.

As being distant but aware of similar family situation, it hasn’t gone well. His doctor told him he couldn’t drive. He drove even after agreeing not to. He had his license taken. He was still driving. He’s blaming his wife. He’s cranky with her.
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It's already being handled by "plan B" described above (the letter). Hated to do it that way but, I did confront him with the situation first and I'm satisfied that was the right course of action.
 
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@Papawayne It’s difficult dealing with our elder parents. Glad you have a Plan B. Years ago I had to use the doctor to help end my mother’s DL. The second part was to do a minor disabling of her car.
 
Papawayne said:
I have been placed in a bad spot. My wife and daughter have just informed me that my mother has told them that my stepdad. we call him PawPaw, has been making some dangerous mistakes in his driving and my mother is very concerned. They have completed a form, issued by the DMV which, when processed and mailed to PawPaw, will require him to take an extensive driving evaluation. They want me to give the completed form to my mother for her to mail in. I am of the opinion that I should first consult with PawPaw instead of doing this behind his back but they believe he will refuse. What say you? Thanks for your help.
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I am with you 100% in consulting him first.
 

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