What to do when an internet friend goes missing and you don't know if they are even alive?

chic

chic

SF VIP
Location
U.S.
Sorry for the superlong title. For several years I've been close to a friend on Facebook. We've communicated by PM frequently and he always had something to say whenever I posted there. He's 76 and in good shape for a guy his age. He lives in a house of his own with a dog and cat, is retired but civically involved and has kids and grandkids. He was well at Christmas time 2021, he hosted a dinner for his family. But in Jan. he seemed to go MIA. :unsure:
By Feb. I was concerned by his absence. I sent him a vintage photo by private message and was shocked when I got no response. I went to my friends list and found his picture and clicked it on but got nothing except his account had been deactivated. I searched the obituaries in his hometown for his name but did not find him. But people can die without obituaries being written for sure although that would be unusual for a man with a fairly large family. A year ago he had surgery which required a lengthy convalescence. His daughter looked after him and the pets during this time. Usually when someone dies and has a Facebook account the family leaves it there so friends can gather to share info about their friend. (People need to grieve.) A mutual friend we shared also expressed his concern of this missing man. He was very likeable. But he also does not know what happened.

I don't know his daughter's surname so I can't contact her, just to find out if her dad is okay or not. It doesn't sound good. There is just too much sadness right now for me and this is just another thing. :confused: What can you do in situations like this. Closure is important and would help whatever it might be.

Thanks to anyone who plowed through all of this. Your concern is appreciated.
 

@chic , do you perhaps know his physical address? Phone number? If you knew his daughter's surname, you could probably find her in Facebook. Or if you can still see his friends list .... possibly going thru it to see if you can find the daughter. I'm not that familiar with deactivated accounts. Good luck to you and I hope your friend is safe and well.
 
Very sad Chic, he may have had a stroke and is in care.

Put the daughter's first name and the town after it, you
might find her that way.

Whoever de-activated the account should, in my opinion,
have at least contacted his friends list, with a message.

Mike.
 
The same thing happened to me a few years ago. A lady from Arizona was friends with a like minded group of us and we chatted back and forth for years.. Then her husband passed away and he was buried in Arlington with highest honors. She was heartbroken, but soldiered on with our group. Suddenly, she dropped off the radar. No explanation, nothing. A doctor who was friends with the family didn't know where she was. Neither did her cousin. To this day, it remains a mystery as to what happened to her.

So, good luck, Chic. Hope you do find him.
 
I can understand your concern Chic,..but if as you say he had a large loving family I would be more likely to presume that they haven't closed his FB account.. and that he might have closed it himself... perhaps just decided he didn't want to be on FB after all, do you think that's a possible scenario?
 
Yes..I know the problem.
Hopefully someone eventually can bring news.
I know two of my online friends passed away....but it took someone who had contact with them in the real world,as it were,to eventually confirm that.
Unfortunately this is the internet and people can just disappear without warning.And we have no way of knowing they are okay.
 
I have had that happen to me too. No matter what I could do I could not find them. It was a couple who shared an account and they posted almost daily on fakebook. I talked to them a lot because they knew a lot about rabbits and gave me advice when I first got my rabbit. None of our mutual friends knew what happened to them either. Just gone.

One thing I did but it didn't turn up any information was to put their names in Ancestry to do a search. If they had died it may have turned up something about them. Not this time though.
 
chic said:
Thanks to anyone who plowed through all of this.
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An easy read and an interesting subject. I have nothing to add to suggestions made by others, wish I did.

When my father died I was able to post his obituary on his FB page and somehow convert his account to a deceased one. Don't recall how that worked. But I am sure not everyone does this.

I have thought about how some of my efriends would know if I died, or how I would know if they did. Honest answer is it might not happen... Just one of the problems of efriends I guess.
 
Alligatorob said:
An easy read and an interesting subject. I have nothing to add to suggestions made by others, wish I did.

When my father died I was able to post his obituary on his FB page and somehow convert his account to a deceased one. Don't recall how that worked. But I am sure not everyone does this.

I have thought about how some of my efriends would know if I died, or how I would know if they did. Honest answer is it might not happen... Just one of the problems of efriends I guess.
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I have a couple of friends on here whose phone numbers I have.. and I think they have mine..( I think ).. would the people I'm referring to, if you're reading this please drop me a PM to say if you have my number ? :D
 
very sorry.

I am confident that if you gave this to a private investigator, they could easily find those answers for you...and within just an hour or two.

They tend to run about $100 per hour. Some would probably try to pad the bill and say it would take more time, maybe try to bill you for $500 or $1000.

I was a volunteer on a missing persons case, about 10 years ago. Young man, about 18. As it turned out, he did pass away, but it was not foul play. He simply went on a very long drive in a very rural place, had a car accident off a cliff and the car and remains were not found for a couple of years.

But, based on that experience, I have some skills in finding people. Not professional level skills, but some skills.

If you want to give me the info, I could try and see what I could find. And, of course, no charge.

But, again, I have just SOME skills. But, if you want, would give it a shot.
 
Aunt Bea said:
If the man deactivated his FB account without explanation to close friends I would respect his choice and let it go.
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I agree with you. Kind of creepy IMO to start hunting people down who have stopped posting on social media. I would send a PM, and if he or a family member chose not to respond, I would respect that. He may be at a point in his life that he no longer wants to post to strangers online, whether it's health or other reasons.
 
I thought of driving to New York at some point if I hear nothing or ask my New York relatives to look him up and see. He lives on Long Island so it would just be a stone's throw for them. I might do that first. We were not romantically involved. I have a BF but we shared so many interests I'm certain he would never just disappear without sending a PM to his closest friends. FB is different than here or other social media sites because we know eachother's names and families etc. He was even friends with my mom!

I did check for obituaries, but like I said, he is not listed as deceased.

Unfortunately I did not have the foresight to get his daughter's surname and because his account is deactivated, I cannot see his timeline or friends or anything.

I have a nice family so I think I'll try them first. Maybe they will enjoy the adventure. I do miss him so. Three of my facebook friends have died during the pandemic, but their pages remained intact so all of us friends of friends can go and commiserate. It does help.

Thanks so much for your suggestions. We have all been through this, I know.
 
JustinCase said:
Sometimes a Google search works. Do you know his real name, city/state. Google with the info & add 'obituary' to the search. Deaths are in the public domain.
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yes, Justin is quite correct. And that is the type of thing that I would do...but a generally deeper search into public records, like the things that the genealogists do. I would only do things strictly by the book.
 
chic said:
I thought of driving to New York at some point if I hear nothing or ask my New York relatives to look him up and see. He lives on Long Island so it would just be a stone's throw for them. I might do that first. We were not romantically involved. I have a BF but we shared so many interests I'm certain he would never just disappear without sending a PM to his closest friends. FB is different than here or other social media sites because we know eachother's names and families etc. He was even friends with my mom!

I did check for obituaries, but like I said, he is not listed as deceased.

Unfortunately I did not have the foresight to get his daughter's surname and because his account is deactivated, I cannot see his timeline or friends or anything.

I have a nice family so I think I'll try them first. Maybe they will enjoy the adventure. I do miss him so. Three of my facebook friends have died during the pandemic, but their pages remained intact so all of us friends of friends can go and commiserate. It does help.

Thanks so much for your suggestions. We have all been through this, I know.
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sorry about the problems. best of luck in finding some answers. One caution. If you do find some odd information and things look sketchy, don't continue to probe without some professional assistance.

here's an example.

I know some dog lovers that do rescues. And they love dogs so much. And they HATE dog fighting rings. Some of these people will directly go confront some of these dog fighting people. And some are just local jerks. But others are professional criminals.

So, re investigation work...the standard is that if you seem to stumble into something odd...best to let it go or bring in a professional.

Oh, who knows...maybe the person passed away and some relatives are trying to illegally re-write the will and they don't want any of his friends poking around.


It is just a general caution re mysteries.

Most likely, the vast, vast majority of the time...everything has a very simple explanation.

take care.
 
chic said:
...He's 76
...Civically involved
...found his picture
...Facebook account deactivated
...not in obituaries
...hometown of Long Island
...you know his name
...he's friends with your Mom
...family "usually" leaves notice on FB account
Click to expand...

I really hope you find the answers you're looking for.

@chic Death Certificates are a matter of Public Record...Free.
Call 311 or 212 NEW-YORK (212-639-9675) if you are calling from outside NYC. Call 311 or 212-NEW-YORK (212-639-9675) if you are calling from outside NYC. You can also email the Office of Vital Records Services at nycdohvr@health.nyc.gov.

If alive:
Unfortunately, as we all know, all of his stats in your quote could have been faked. If his location of New York is truthful, remember that actors and creative people are attracted to NY like magnets. The internet attracts "players". I know he seemed so sincere. Some just want to play on the internet with faceless people...and think faceless is somehow okay.

If Not alive...here are Red Flags as I see it...
1. He either deactivated his account himself and was not thoughtful enough to let you know.
2. Or he had it with life, wants to go off the grid, and does not want to talk about it or face it.
3. Or he asked his family to deactivate it in case of sudden death (a lengthy slow exit would give him plenty of time to let you know if he was a thoughtful guy).

All three are Final.

Therefore it's time to mourn and then start thinking of "you" and move on when you can. What can help is to start up a new friendship with a man. There are many good guys on SF. This time, if you start feeling close then ask for contact info.

You said you "know" his name and he was friends with your Mom....in real life or on Facebook?
 
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Lara said:
I really hope you find the answers you're looking for but we always have to be wary, especially in the world today. If you find him, do you really want someone who stopped pursuing you...whether he's dead or alive?

If alive:
Unfortunately, as we all know, all of his stats in your quote could have been faked. If his location of New York is truthful, remember that actors and creative people are attracted to NY like magnets. The internet attracts "players". I know he seemed so sincere. Some just want to play on the internet with faceless people...and think faceless is somehow okay.

If not alive:
Here's a red flag as I see it...he either deactivated his account himself and was not thoughtful enough to let you know.
Or had it with life, wants to go off the grid, and does not want to talk about it or face it.
Or he asked his family to deactivate it in case of sudden death (a lengthy slow exit would give him plenty of time to let you know if he was a thoughtful guy).

All three are Final. Therefore it's time to mourn and then start thinking of "you" and move on when you can. What can help is to start up a new friendship with a man. There are many good guys on SF. This time, if you start getting close then ask for contact info.
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Yes, I agree with Lara. Sad, but caution is always wise.
 
Hope you can find out whether or not he is in good health. If not, a family member with access to his account could've deactivated it. If you find he is in good health and closed his account, then it'll be easier for you and your mutual friends to move on.
 
Can you still go to his FB page? If you can, then go to his friends list and maybe contact one of them.

If you didn't see an obituary, he's probably still living. Funeral homes and/or county clerk offices will often notify local newspapers of a death.
 

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