What to do

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Mggs11

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I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship. The women has now started driving to my area,and telling me shes around and going to stop by my house and visit. How do I tell her I dont like pop ins?
 

Mggs11 said:
I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship. The women has now started driving to my area,and telling me shes around and going to stop by my house and visit. How do I tell her I dont like pop ins?
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Tell her you have a busy schedule with zoom meetings and such, and even though you are home, you have obligations.
Suggest she might call first, leave a message, and you will get back with her when you have free time.
That's polite.
 
I don’t think lying is good. But you have no obligation to answer calls or your door. Since I live alone I don’t answer the door for those who don’t have an appointment. And when I’m not up to an impromptu appointment from someone driving by I have no trouble telling them I’m not up to a visit.
 
Mggs11 said:
I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship. The women has now started driving to my area,and telling me shes around and going to stop by my house and visit. How do I tell her I dont like pop ins?
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I can’t help thinking there might be a lot more to this than just the words you post here?

I don’t think I would take any advice regarding lying or make something up about reasons for not wanting someone to visit unannounced or to visit at very short notice

If you don’t like people in general turning up at your home at short notice then tell her, and tell her why. If it’s because you need & want to priorities your own needs & your own time then say so to her. If she becomes offended by that then it says a lot more about her than about you. It might suggest that she has very little respect for your time, or she sees your time as her own? Not a very good basis for a friendship, of any kind.

The fact that you use the word’s, “I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship.” might suggest that you feel the friendship is already over, or was never really there in the first place, perhaps? And if that’s the case maybe she doesn’t see it. Or if she does see it, doesn’t want to see it.

If she doesn’t recognise boundaries or is incapable of accepting them, then there would seem to be something very wrong going on here. Is there a sense that you don’t know what she is going to do next? I can’t help wondering how many red flags you have picked up on since you have known this person. Does this person unsettle you in anyway?
 
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Magna-Carta said:
I can’t help thinking there might be a lot more to this than just the words you post here?

I don’t think I would take any advice regarding lying or make something up about reasons for not wanting someone to visit unannounced or to visit at very short notice

If you don’t like people in general turning up at your home at short notice then tell her, and tell her why. If it’s because you need & want to priorities your own needs & your own time then say so to her. If she becomes offend by that then it says a lot more about her than about you. It might suggest that she has very little respect for your time, or she sees your time as her own? Not a very good basis for a friendship, of any kind.

The fact that you use the word’s, “I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship.” might suggest that you feel the friendship is already over, or was never really there in the first place, perhaps? And if that’s the case maybe she doesn’t see it. Or if she does see it, doesn’t want to see it.

If she doesn’t recognise boundaries or is incapable of accepting them, then there would seem to be something very wrong going on here. Is there a sense that you don’t know what she is going to do next? I can’t help wondering how many red flags you have picked up on since you have known this person. Does this person unsettle you in anyway?
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Yes she does. Certain things have occurred since knowing her. Never acknowledges my feelings, Seems to take advantage of me. Never says thank you if I treat her to a meal,or reciprocates. Constantly stopping over my house but has never invited me to hers. Took it upon herself to invite her cousin to an outing, whom I had never met when I first started getting together with her, didn’t even ask me if I’d mind. Biggest think that bothers me is that she left her 5 children haof way across the country so she could be with another man,because she was lonely.
 
Mggs11 said:
Yes she does. Certain things have occurred since knowing her. Never acknowledges my feelings, Seems to take advantage of me. Never says thank you if I treat her to a meal,or reciprocates. Constantly stopping over my house but has never invited me to hers. Took it upon herself to invite her cousin to an outing, whom I had never met when I first started getting together with her, didn’t even ask me if I’d mind. Biggest think that bothers me is that she left her 5 children haof way across the country so she could be with another man,because she was lonely.
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Hi Mggs. I see red flags all over the place. This person may very well be a narcissist. I think you would be wise to distance yourself. Such people are

toxic, and leave nothing but chaos and anguish in their wake. They lack empathy, see others as bit parts in their own never ending soap opera. Their

sense of entitlement demands compliance for their every wish. People are possessions to use as they see fit.
 
Are you somewhat afraid of what she might do if you straight out tell her the friendship is over, & in part is that why you use the words 'distance’ yourself from her as apposed saying ending the friendship. Is she manipulative Mggs11 – used for the most part in getting what she wants? In reality are you looking for different advice other than, “How do I tell her I don’t like pop ins?”

Have you thought about why she actually wants a friendship with you?

I can't help thinking she has you 'lined up' for somthing else.
 
( Another thread title on this web board posed as a mystery or some emotional reaction as to what it is about in order to cause those curious that cannot resist opening such threads to do so. On some boards, moderators reject such threads until OP's provide more meaningful titles. )
 
David777 said:
( Another thread title on this web board posed as a mystery or some emotional reaction as to what it is about in order to cause those curious that cannot resist opening such threads to do so. On some boards, moderators reject such threads until OP's provide more meaningful titles. )
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Some people aren’t fully sure of the situation they find themselves in, and test the water, so to speak, when speaking to others about it before fully committing their own thoughts on their own situation. I don’t see anything wrong in that.
 
Shalimar said:
Hi Mggs. I see red flags all over the place. This person may very well be a narcissist. I think you would be wise to distance yourself. Such people are

toxic, and leave nothing but chaos and anguish in their wake. They lack empathy, see others as bit parts in their own never ending soap opera. Their

sense of entitlement demands compliance for their every wish. People are possessions to use as they see fit.
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I don’t see her as a narcissist just a person that is oblivious to the obvious. She is a nurse so I believe there is empathy present, although I feel she lacks interest in others concerns. Ironically, she left her kids and X due to loneliness and she is currently in the same situation with her current boyfriend.
 
It's hard when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings even if they don't reciprocate your good will.
You should just tell her how you feel and move on regardless of the fallout.
 
Mggs11 said:
I am trying to distance myself from a one sided friendship. The women has now started driving to my area,and telling me shes around and going to stop by my house and visit. How do I tell her I dont like pop ins?
Click to expand...

There's really not enough information to go on. I would need to know about the history of the relationship. With the very little you tell us, all you can do is be clear and decisive.
 
I ALWAYS hated someone coming by unannounced. More than once the doorbell would ring, I'd open the door, idiots from local Mormon group would say "Is your mother home?"

"Did it occur to you to call?"

"We're just stopping by"

"Then next time call first" (door slams shut)

Man, some people are just cluelessly arrogant that people want to see them.
 
I have not been able to be outright and tell someone not to call,not wanting to hurt their feelings , or having ill feeling between us ., so ive mostly not answered the door . My MIL use to drop in and spend the day , I didnt get anything done on those days and I was expected to feed her too ..Then I turned it around and after dropping my child off at school dropped in on her , she was in the middle of getting dressed ,I shall never forget her flustted look ..I plonked myself down and stayed ,it worked .
 
In situations like this, I’m a firm believer in telling the truth. “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings or ruin our friendship, but I don’t care for pop ins. I would appreciate a phone call if you are thinking of dropping by.” Then it’s up to the other person if they can handle a mild rejection.
 

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