When I feel I am taking 2 steps forward, I take 3 steps back...

L

Ladybj

Live, Laugh and Love
Location
Somewhere in the USA
The last thing I want to be is a "debbie downer". I am just having a hard time dealing with my sister death. My counselor informed me that the holiday is added stress. I was feeling pretty good for a few days but back to square one of feeling sad, thinking back on other challenges, etc. I tried to talk with my hubby a little bit today about what was going on with me and my older sister.. but he is a pretty laid back guy.. which is not helping AT ALL. I accept him as he is but I need a bit more from him right about now.

Long story short, .. my older sister and I had a conversation and within the conversation, I mention that it is very hard for me being that it was on my birthday.. she told me that I need to move pass that...I WAS LIKE WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!!!!!! She tried to clean it up but there were not enough brooms nor mops to clean that up. With my hubby being so laid back and not being able to give feed back, etc.. I feel alone going through this at home. I have some support but people don't want to nor know how to handle someone going through grief.
 

My heart goes out to you Ladybj, it was devastating enough to have your sister lose her life that way, but having it happen on your birthday amplified the terrible incident I'm sure. Feeling the way you do is completely normal, and it wasn't that long ago that you lost her. Please give yourself time to grieve, it will not be over with quickly and it shouldn't be. I'm sorry your hubby and your sister aren't more supportive, that's a shame. I think of you often and hope the time comes when you can have some closure, perhaps they would find the hit and run driver, that would help a little bit. You're doing as well as can be expected....hugs. 💙
 
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SeaBreeze said:
My heart goes out to you Ladybj, it was devastating enough to have your sister lose her life that way, but having it happen on your birthday amplified the terrible incident I'm sure. Feeling that way you do is completely normal, and it wasn't that long ago that you lost her. Please give yourself time to grieve, it will not be over with quickly and it shouldn't be. I'm sorry your hubby and your sister aren't more supportive, that's a shame. I think of you often and hope the time comes when you can have some closure, perhaps they would find the hit and run driver, that would help a little bit. You're doing as well as can be expected....hugs. 💙
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MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!! Thank you soooooo much.
 

Coping with death is a dark journey to pass through and we 're the only ones who can know where on that passage we are. Eventually we'll notice opportunities and light ahead of us, beckoning to us more strongly than the shadow behind us, but nobody is entitled to tell us when that time is.

Still, grief is a journey, not a place to linger in and permit it to define our life.
 
Ladybj, I've been off the forum for a few days, being in my own funk. I know just how you feel though. A year ago today my brother died of a massive stroke. His birthday was December 11, less than a week ago; he would have been 69. My sister died the first of August. My mother died October 4. My mother's birthday was December 14, just last Saturday, and she would have turned 90. And Christmas is coming up, which only seems to amplify my grief. I can't discuss it with my father, he has Alzheimer's and doesn't understand. I sometimes think that it's a blessing that he can't. His birthday is next week, on Christmas Day. My parents were married on Friday, January 13 and next month they would have been married 70 years.

I have no more siblings to grieve with or talk to about it so I'm keeping it buried deep inside. That isn't healthy, nor is it helpful but breaking down isn't going to help matters right now either, nor would it change anything. It would just upset my father and he doesn't need that.

I know there isn't anything I can say that will make it less painful for you. I think it will always be painful and all I can do is hope that one day I get to the point where I accept the pain, or at least learn to live with it, because the pain itself means they are still with me, in my heart.

Bless you and your family. Everyone handles grief differently.
 
The replies in here are very supportive and to all who are grieving for a loved one. I empathise with each of you. Empathy is a precious gift and those blessed with it can do much for a grieving heart. I am receiving support from this Thread and it's so good to have somewhere to express our feelings and receive support and comfort.

My thoughts are with you Ladybj ...hugs xx
 
men are so different to us when dealing with a family grief etc...I have been in the same situation and found some people just shut off like block ears -- so I kept it to myself ' which is not a good thing imo' if you have a close friend iam sure she would listen
and be supportive for you , I do hope you manage to sort a way through it ..
 
Ladybj, I am sorry that you are still struggling with
this terrible situation that you are in and only wish
that I could do something to help, which I can't.

I would suggest though that you give up the Councelling,
because every time that you go there, you are reminded
that you are there because fo your sisters death, so when
you are feeling a bit better, you go there and have relapse.

Take a few quiet moments each day and just sit and think
about how your sister would try to cheer you up and the
fun times that you had and that you will raise a glass to
her at Christmas/New Year, ask her to help you get over
her death, for all you know she is in a better place, we don't
know.

Cheer up, at least try.

Mike.
 
I note that this was posted in another forum here back in 2016. It's also something that I saw on Reddit years ago and saved a copy of. It was posted by Reddit user GSnow back around 2011. I suspect many of us have seen it before but it seems appropriate here.


Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
 
Ladybj, maybe you are devastated by the death of your sister, because it IS a devastating event in your life. We are fragile critters. Things, especially the powerlessness of a death are heart felt, and debilitating. You need to talk to people. If you can receive therapy, that would be great. Your religious affiliation, your friends, self help groups- all can be of help. Just don't sit at home, make yourself get out.
 
Repondering said:
Coping with death is a dark journey to pass through and we 're the only ones who can know where on that passage we are. Eventually we'll notice opportunities and light ahead of us, beckoning to us more strongly than the shadow behind us, but nobody is entitled to tell us when that time is.

Still, grief is a journey, not a place to linger in and permit it to define our life.
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Thank you. I agree with you 100 percent. Grief is visiting me now.. but I will not allow it to wear out it's welcome. It will be around until I feel it is time for a departure. It will not, will not define my life. There is so much more I have to get accomplished and Grief is not welcome to join me. I love how you stated Eventually we'll notice opportunities and light ahead of us beckoning to us more strongly than the shadow behind us.. I sooooo believe that. LOVE IT!!!!!
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Ladybj, maybe you are devastated by the death of your sister, because it IS a devastating event in your life. We are fragile critters. Things, especially the powerlessness of a death are heart felt, and debilitating. You need to talk to people. If you can receive therapy, that would be great. Your religious affiliation, your friends, self help groups- all can be of help. Just don't sit at home, make yourself get out.
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I have friends I chat with. I am also in counseling which is helping tremendously. I get out, not everyday but I get out.. I felt myself headed toward isolation and I did not like it. Therefore, I do get out. I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow... looking forward to it. I also enjoy the company of this site and sharing how I feel. Venting when you need to is PRICELESS!!!!!
 
Dr. Jekyll said:
I note that this was posted in another forum here back in 2016. It's also something that I saw on Reddit years ago and saved a copy of. It was posted by Reddit user GSnow back around 2011. I suspect many of us have seen it before but it seems appropriate here.


Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
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LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!!!! Thank you...OMG!!! I will take a pic of this with my cell phone and read as needed.
 
Mike said:
Ladybj, I am sorry that you are still struggling with
this terrible situation that you are in and only wish
that I could do something to help, which I can't.

I would suggest though that you give up the Councelling,
because every time that you go there, you are reminded
that you are there because fo your sisters death, so when
you are feeling a bit better, you go there and have relapse.

Take a few quiet moments each day and just sit and think
about how your sister would try to cheer you up and the
fun times that you had and that you will raise a glass to
her at Christmas/New Year, ask her to help you get over
her death, for all you know she is in a better place, we don't
know.

Cheer up, at least try.

Mike.
Click to expand...
Thank you Mike.. Counseling is helping me sooo much. I don't have to pretend I am doing fine, I am able to express how I feel. I find myself laughing with her. I have been seeing her for years.. I relate to her very well. She was there when my baby brother passed away and when I was going through challenges in my marriage. She is helping me but she cannot wave a magic wand and make my grief disappear and I don't think I would want her to. After seeing her, I am not depressed or anything, just the opposite. I know I will have good days and challenging days through this ordeal. I have quiet moments everyday. But I will raise a glass to her on Christmas and New Years.. thank you!!!
 
toffee said:
men are so different to us when dealing with a family grief etc...I have been in the same situation and found some people just shut off like block ears -- so I kept it to myself ' which is not a good thing imo' if you have a close friend iam sure she would listen
and be supportive for you , I do hope you manage to sort a way through it ..
Click to expand...
I agree...men are very different. I have a very good counselor and friends which I can talk to and a few family members. Keeping it to yourself is not good at all. It's like sweeping things under a rug and that pile get so high and you may trip over it. Being that you kept it to yourself, is it possible you have not moved forward from it? I learned that not dealing with Grief can carry over in other areas in your life in a negative way. It is easy to not deal with grief because we can try and replace it with other things but the thing about it is, it will show up at later times in our life until we deal with it in a healthy manner and move forward.
 
Suzy623 said:
Ladybj, I've been off the forum for a few days, being in my own funk. I know just how you feel though. A year ago today my brother died of a massive stroke. His birthday was December 11, less than a week ago; he would have been 69. My sister died the first of August. My mother died October 4. My mother's birthday was December 14, just last Saturday, and she would have turned 90. And Christmas is coming up, which only seems to amplify my grief. I can't discuss it with my father, he has Alzheimer's and doesn't understand. I sometimes think that it's a blessing that he can't. His birthday is next week, on Christmas Day. My parents were married on Friday, January 13 and next month they would have been married 70 years.

I have no more siblings to grieve with or talk to about it so I'm keeping it buried deep inside. That isn't healthy, nor is it helpful but breaking down isn't going to help matters right now either, nor would it change anything. It would just upset my father and he doesn't need that.

I know there isn't anything I can say that will make it less painful for you. I think it will always be painful and all I can do is hope that one day I get to the point where I accept the pain, or at least learn to live with it, because the pain itself means they are still with me, in my heart.

Bless you and your family. Everyone handles grief differently.
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I don't know exactly how you feel but I can relate. I pray you can talk about it and move forward from the pain. It is very hard...but very necessary. As long as you keep it deep inside, it will not go away and you are correct, its not healthy. It's also hard in sharing it with friends and family because you do not want to feel you are a burden to them...some people do not handle grief from others very well. We were taught different things on how to deal with grief. A few things that has really helped me.. Counseling, talking with friends..a few, reading books on how to handle grief. I pray you find a way to move forward to lessen the pain. They will always be with you and I don't think they will want you to think of them connected with pain...but rather joy in your heart. This is for myself as well. Blessings to you!!
 
Butterfly said:
Perhaps a visit to a counselor might help? I got some counseling both just before (I was her caretaker through her illness) and then after my mother died. It was a huge help talking to a non-judgmental person in dealing with my feelings.

Grief isn't an easy journey, as Respondering said above.
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I have been seeing my counselor for a while. She helped me when my baby brother passed away and when I was going through challenges with my marriage. She is GREAT!!! You are sooo right... Grief is no an easy journey but as long as we live, we will face it. Therefore I am learning as much I can about it to help me face it and move forward. I would recommend anyone dealing with grief to seek counseling..not any counselor but one that you connect and feel comfortable with.
 
Hi, @Ladybj
I agree with every word that @SeaBreeze wrote in above first post on this thread.

💗
This is all normal and completely understandable, what you describe feeling.

It might help you at moments, to go back and reread what people have already written. There are truly people who do understand how you are feeling, as much as possible.

I am sorry that your husband and sister do not understand you better and are not more of a help for you. You cannot change how you feel at moments, so do seek others like us, here, for support. I do think it is good for you to share here, and with others, in addition to them.

It will help to feel others giving you support, too, in addition to the other good steps you are trying to do for yourself.

Hang in there, which is enough to do on some hours or days, because of course this will take time, and it's difficult in the present, and the holidays do make it more challenging, and the way it happened and on your birthday, and the shock is so great, it doesn't wear down, as quickly as I wish it would.

But you can make it through this.
Continue to try to accept how you feel, and to find ways to cope, each day, until some time, when it will get a little easier, and not backslide as far or as often.
We are hoping for those days for you.
 
Repondering said:
Coping with death is a dark journey to pass through and we 're the only ones who can know where on that passage we are. Eventually we'll notice opportunities and light ahead of us, beckoning to us more strongly than the shadow behind us, but nobody is entitled to tell us when that time is.

Still, grief is a journey, not a place to linger in and permit it to define our life.
Click to expand...
It's been said that time heals all wounds. It's not true for me. The demise of people very close to me has left a deeper longing to connect with them. The pain beyond physical realm can be unbearable at times. If grief is a blessing, sometimes I want to refuse.
 
@hellomimi
I understand what you wrote, here, and I give you my caring. It is true that some parts of some types of grief, are so deep, and time doesn't seem to help.

I wish it helped as much as that saying made us hope it would.
Sometimes it gets worse over time, instead.
Still, I hope for better days, or moments, for you. It's a rough road.
But sometimes better that we knew those people, I think, than not to have .

And at least, it might help to know that some of us, do comprehend.

Some losses we just don't "get over" ....from my own experiences.
Though it's very difficult to bear,
Perhaps it's better to accept that some of the deep hurt stays with some of us, and perhaps it's more helpful for us to hope that it changes its form, some, rather than that the pain disappears.

It doesn't always "get easier" .....
We hope so, but sometimes.... it's better to know that someone realizes, how we feel.
 
I think by now, most know that we go through a complicated grieving process when a loved one passes. It does hurt. It's pretty devastating. You need friends, and family to help you go through the stages. It does take time, and there's no shortcut. If that isn't sufficient for you, seek professional help. You know when you're still overwhelmed, you're stuck, and it's not gettiing easier, You need help. That's what they are there for. And it may not be a financial burden, either.
 
Kaila said:
@hellomimi
I understand what you wrote, here, and I give you my caring. It is true that some parts of some types of grief, are so deep, and time doesn't seem to help.

I wish it helped as much as that saying made us hope it would.
Sometimes it gets worse over time, instead.
Still, I hope for better days, or moments, for you. It's a rough road.
But sometimes better that we knew those people, I think, than not to have .

And at least, it might help to know that some of us, do comprehend.

Some losses we just don't "get over" ....from my own experiences.
Though it's very difficult to bear,
Perhaps it's better to accept that some of the deep hurt stays with some of us, and perhaps it's more helpful for us to hope that it changes its form, some, rather than that the pain disappears.

It doesn't always "get easier" .....
We hope so, but sometimes.... it's better to know that someone realizes, how we feel.
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Thank you for your kindness @Kaila. You nailed it when you said it doesn't always get
easier. With people like you who understand, the grief becomes tolerable, though not less painful.
 

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