When It's Time To Disconnect

Tabby Ann

Tabby Ann

Member
Location
Southern Indiana
Disconnecting from a relative or friend, or anyone who irritates you, drags you down, and seriously impedes your spiritual growth is difficult for most people. It’s a process fraught with guilt, self-doubt, misplaced hope, and self-blame. But it doesn’t have to be.that way. The first step is to recognize they have a mental configuration that you didn’t cause and can’t cure. The second step is to recognize that no amount of tolerance on your part will cause a future change on their part. Your tolerance simply enables them. They need an epiphany from another source. And the third step is to disconnect from them with goodwill by blessing them and commending them to God and wishing the best for them. And then get away from them.
 

Have you ever tried to ask them questions about themselves to better understand them? We all are different yet also the same in many ways that we can understand each other if given the chance. I believe anger and frustration causes us to cut them off yet that's understandable because we all have a tolerance level of what we can and cannot accept.
 
Ruthanne said:
Have you ever tried to ask them questions about themselves to better understand them? We all are different yet also the same in many ways that we can understand each other if given the chance. I believe anger and frustration causes us to cut them off yet that's understandable because we all have a tolerance level of what we can and cannot accept.
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Feeling the need to question them, understand them, and tolerate them is part of the guilt trip associated with disconnection. Every situation is different and each person has to decide when it’s time to disconnect . If we could all solve all mental problems by questions, understanding and tolerance there would be no need for psychiatrists and the medications that help abnormal mental configurations.
 

Tabby Ann said:
Disconnecting from a relative or friend, or anyone who irritates you, drags you down, and seriously impedes your spiritual growth is difficult for most people.
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Only had to do it a very few times in life, but when I did it was pretty easy.

Just stopped answering calls or emails and made sure not to see the person again.
 
I'm not religious. Maybe that is why I don't understand why anyone would experience any guilt from disconnecting. I have a close cousin that I grew up with. She is an Evangelical, I am not. She loves our former President, I do not. She was very close to my mother and actually lived with her prior to her going in assisted living. I paid for her car and living expenses because she took good care of my mother.

However, our political views were at opposite ends of the spectrum, so we rarely discussed them. I knew after my mother passed away that the one thing we had in common would go by the wayside. I have no issue with our currently being disconnected. I am actually the one who still reaches out to her to occasionally check in, but it is out of kindness... not guilt.
 
Some people IMO like to try to use guilt or perceived guilt as a weapon .....
had relatives that went out of their way to make the worst choice possible in every situation no matter what.......a cousin felt it was her duty to reconcile people and tried playing "they are family" card etc.....
in the case of truly dysfunctional people perhaps substance abusers etc....... there is no hope..... no question to be asked or answers to wait for....... only preservation from them...and their manipulation ... their prior attempts to rob my house etc.....

i heard one such relative is living on the street now.......... no proof just a rumor ...... and people say "you should take them in or pay to house them"......... based on what ?
i have not seen or talked to them in a decade.......but as family some feel i should be obligated to find them and such ....no thanks.
 
I've had to disconnect more than once for self-preservation. That's what you have to do when someone is eating you alive. I'm not going to sacrifice myself and my well-being for family obligation, friendship, or anything else. I know people who've been sucked into it because of guilt, and it's destroyed them.
 
Tabby Ann said:
Feeling the need to question them, understand them, and tolerate them is part of the guilt trip associated with disconnection. Every situation is different and each person has to decide when it’s time to disconnect . If we could all solve all mental problems by questions, understanding and tolerance there would be no need for psychiatrists and the medications that help abnormal mental configurations.
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You are assuming that all the people you contact have serious mental problems. Well they don't. I suggest you try and be more tolerant and understanding and things may look better for you. I hope I didn't offend you, just trying to make a point. The guilt trip you speak of is only yours and can be let go. Perhaps you feel guilty for a reason too but let go of it.
 
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I had to disconnect from my niece. She made my father's last years hell. When he was dying in the hospital she kept causing trouble not only with me but with the nurses also. After his funeral I would not have anything more to do with her and my brother (her father) did the same. She wrote hate letters to his wife, his ex-wife and her real mother. I felt such peace without having to deal with her anymore. Then she died suddenly at 38 this past May. I was sad for the little girl I used to know but had no feelings for the woman she became.
 
Ruthanne said:
You are assuming that all the people you contact have serious mental problems. Well they don't. I suggest you try and be more tolerant and understanding and things may look better for you. I hope I didn't offend you, just trying to make a point. The guilt trip you speak of is only yours and can be let go. Perhaps you feel guilty for a reason too but let go of it.
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No, YOU are assuming I think all people I contact have serious mental problems. I said clearly disconnecting is on a case by case basis. I don’t feel guilty and I described a way others can disconnect without guilt. If you feel the need to question, understand and tolerate everyone rather than disconnect I say go for it. For those who need the peace of separation, they deserve it without condemnation from you.
 
This is a very poignant discussion right now with me because I've been debating on something for weeks...maybe months.

If you've been around a while, you know I've posted about issues I've had with my son, who's now 48 yo. We've been estranged for years and whenever we try to establish any kind of relationship, he brings up my past mistakes with raising him, so I had to quit contacting him and trying to explain why I did some of the things I did. He's angry and resentful and has not forgiven or understood anything I've tried to tell him. That made me cut off all communication with him about 3 years ago for my own self-preservation and peace of mind. We also have deep political divides and he has tried to change my views. That has driven a deeper wedge between us.

The thing I've been wrestling with lately is....hubby and I are in the process of making new wills and trying to get our affairs in order. He's 81 and I'm 75 and we realize time is getting shorter so do I want to NOT do what my mother did to me? She cut me out of her life about 5 years before she died and left everything to a neighbor lady. It's been hard for me to think that she disliked me enough to just give it all to someone that she never even talked to all those years they lived next to each other. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is disconnecting totally from my son the right thing to do? IDK. :(
 
Colleen said:
This is a very poignant discussion right now with me because I've been debating on something for weeks...maybe months.

If you've been around a while, you know I've posted about issues I've had with my son, who's now 48 yo. We've been estranged for years and whenever we try to establish any kind of relationship, he brings up my past mistakes with raising him, so I had to quit contacting him and trying to explain why I did some of the things I did. He's angry and resentful and has not forgiven or understood anything I've tried to tell him. That made me cut off all communication with him about 3 years ago for my own self-preservation and peace of mind. We also have deep political divides and he has tried to change my views. That has driven a deeper wedge between us.

The thing I've been wrestling with lately is....hubby and I are in the process of making new wills and trying to get our affairs in order. He's 81 and I'm 75 and we realize time is getting shorter so do I want to NOT do what my mother did to me? She cut me out of her life about 5 years before she died and left everything to a neighbor lady. It's been hard for me to think that she disliked me enough to just give it all to someone that she never even talked to all those years they lived next to each other. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is disconnecting totally from my son the right thing to do? IDK. :(
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My brother was the favorite of 4 grandchildren. As adults, we were all on more or less friendly terms with my grandmother -- except for that brother. I don't think there was any bad intent; he just didn't bother with her. So my grandmother decided to cut him out of her will.

But her financial adviser said she'd regret it. (Before or after she died? I don't know.) I suppose they'd seen it happen enough times and knew what they were talking about. So she included him.

What got me is that she left my teenage daughter a tiny amount, even though they had a good relationship.

Anyway, if you don’t want to do what your own mother did, I guess the choice is clear.
 
@Colleen
Leave your son at least half, IMO; with a message, if you like, a loving one with no mention of your differences. IMO.

Leaving a child out of a will is ultimate revenge for one's own flesh & blood, IMO.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this stress Colleen. It's so awful about political differences these days.
 
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Colleen said:
This is a very poignant discussion right now with me because I've been debating on something for weeks...maybe months.

If you've been around a while, you know I've posted about issues I've had with my son, who's now 48 yo. We've been estranged for years and whenever we try to establish any kind of relationship, he brings up my past mistakes with raising him, so I had to quit contacting him and trying to explain why I did some of the things I did. He's angry and resentful and has not forgiven or understood anything I've tried to tell him. That made me cut off all communication with him about 3 years ago for my own self-preservation and peace of mind. We also have deep political divides and he has tried to change my views. That has driven a deeper wedge between us.

The thing I've been wrestling with lately is....hubby and I are in the process of making new wills and trying to get our affairs in order. He's 81 and I'm 75 and we realize time is getting shorter so do I want to NOT do what my mother did to me? She cut me out of her life about 5 years before she died and left everything to a neighbor lady. It's been hard for me to think that she disliked me enough to just give it all to someone that she never even talked to all those years they lived next to each other. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Is disconnecting totally from my son the right thing to do? IDK. :(
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No matter what the reason, your son’s pain is real to him.

I would set aside the emotions and leave him an appropriate share in your estate without any comment about the past.
 
I think this old song that I remember when I was a little kid shooting them squirrels and trapping those weasels, tells you a lot what you should do with negative and positive people:

 
The Missing Missing Reasons | Issendai.com

I'm not saying this applies to anyone posting in this thread. It was linked in a forum I go to for children raised by a borderline. It fits my mother. She forgot, denied it all.

It's also called no contact. Some people go low or very low contact. Had I known of this concept at 18 and had a speck of confidence, which I didn't, I wish it's what I had done. Left the day I turned 18.
 
Remy said:
The Missing Missing Reasons | Issendai.com

I'm not saying this applies to anyone posting in this thread. It was linked in a forum I go to for children raised by a borderline. It fits my mother. She forgot, denied it all.

It's also called no contact. Some people go low or very low contact. Had I known of this concept at 18 and had a speck of confidence, which I didn't, I wish it's what I had done. Left the day I turned 18.
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Wow, that was a great article, Remy; unfortunately I have a couple of family members and in-laws it fits. Boy, talk about the denial that some people engage in...
 
I don't live in the same state as my family. Frankly, I wanted to keep a distance from my family. I just got tired of the family infighting, bickering, carping, etc. And I was always in the middle. So, I thought why in the hell am I putting up with their nonsense, so I stay away from them. My brother is okay.
 

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