When you’re invited to someone’s home for a gathering

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
…do you bring a hostess gift? I’ve always done so, but it seems to be fading away as a point of etiquette with the younger generations.

Understand, I’m not talking about the family gatherings and get togethers Ron and I have here at the house. I don’t expect anything from the kids. Nor do I take a gift if we head to one of their houses for a party or gathering.

I’m talking about social events outside of family. If we’re invited to dinner or a gathering, I always bring something….a good bottle of wine, a kitchen trinket, a seasonal item if the gathering centers around some seasonal celebration, that kind of thing.

The last gathering we had, two couples for dinner, they each brought lovely gifts. Both are in their early 60’s and are familiar with the etiquette I guess. Before that we hosted a recently married young couple….friends of one of my kids for whom I’ve been a surrogate Mom…and no hostess gift. I’m not complaining!! I just find it interesting, and a little sad, to see so many customs dying out with us seniors.

Children don’t want their folks’ silver, dinner ware, cocktail glass….I’m running into that a lot with clients who want to downsize but their children don’t want that any of that, items my clients have prized and which were handed down to them from one or more prior generations.

But I digress from my original topic. I will always bring a hostess gift, whether or not it’s expected or reciprocated. It’s one custom I won’t let go of.
 

I never go to anyones home for social gatherings nor in mine. I get it from my grandfather who wouldn't let anyone but family in his house.

He had a saying: I have my home and they have theirs. I'll stay in mine and they'll stay in theirs.
I only seen him talk with a few buddies on the front porch. His home was always clean, safe, peaceful and drama free for his own family.
 
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When my parents were living, we sort of took turns having them to our house for a meal, then next time they would have us to their house. In that case, none of us took a gift or anything.

But these days, if my cousins invite me to a dinner, I always take something, and I mail a thank you note a few days after the event. Even though they are family, we don't see each other but once or twice a year, so I feel it is proper.
 
I always ask what I can bring. If they say "nothing" I take a little gift but not anything they would have to deal with right then, like cut flowers with no vase. If they say something they would like for me to bring, such as "those pecan cookies" I am flattered and have fun making whatever it is that they want.
 
When I would be invited to an Officer’s home for a weekend or only a dinner, I would bring a candle, flowers or a gift basket of goodies, especially chocolates. Being single, when I was in the service, I received a lot of invitations to go to someone’s home for a meal or the weekend. I did have a lot of friends and I was invited to spend weekends with some of them. I enjoyed everyone of those weekends.

I enjoyed and appreciated every meal or weekend visit. We always had a good time whether it was going rafting, zip lining, or if we only sat around and spoke of the places we have been and the adventures we were involved in. Sometimes, we would also talk about their family plans for vacations that they either already had or were planning.

Somewhere in the forum, I spoke about being invited to another Officer’s home for Thanksgiving weekend. The other Officer was Jewish and I was able to experience another world I knew little about. After that weekend was over and I had returned to base, I sent the Officer’s family a thank you letter and a 5 pound box of chocolates.

The chocolates were kosher, which means they were made with kosher ingredients. I received a nice letter back, but part of it was written in either Yiddish or Hebrew, so I had to get my Officer friend to translate it for me after he finished laughing. It was the best weekend I had and being invited to take part in. It was very different from other weekends I had spent with other friends.
 
As many of you know, DH & I throw a few large parties during the holiday season. I can immediately bring to mind at least 80 different people who pass through our doors during that time, more than 20 of whom attend more than one event.

Virtually ALL our guests bring hostess gifts to our parties (despite my asking them not to). Adult guests range from their early twenties through their nineties. We receive plenty of beer, wine, other alcohol, candy, nuts, flowers, plants, guest towels, scented candles, high end coffee beans, food to share that evening (fruit or crudite platters), you-name-it.

I'm usually up to my neck making pizza, replenishing frosting, and otherwise managing food and logistics during holiday parties. Therefore, when someone brings shows up with cut flowers, I thank them, point to the vases, ask if they'd please choose one, put the flowers and water in it, and find a good place to display them — often the fireplace mantel.

When I go to someone's home (not family) I bring something. Usually wine, but sometimes homebaked cookies if they're hosting a crowed.
 
I remember when a bottle of wine or Smirnoff was customary. Then it was a 1/4 oz of weed or a bottle of Hennessy. Then there was a trend where you brought a CD, a DVD, or a house plant.

Most young adults today bring a plus-one, if anything. Most of them never heard of the custom, because their parents didn't observe it, and most of the ones who have just don't have the extra cash.
 
Ronni said:
…do you bring a hostess gift? I’ve always done so, but it seems to be fading away as a point of etiquette with the younger generations.

Understand, I’m not talking about the family gatherings and get togethers Ron and I have here at the house. I don’t expect anything from the kids. Nor do I take a gift if we head to one of their houses for a party or gathering.

I’m talking about social events outside of family. If we’re invited to dinner or a gathering, I always bring something….a good bottle of wine, a kitchen trinket, a seasonal item if the gathering centers around some seasonal celebration, that kind of thing.

The last gathering we had, two couples for dinner, they each brought lovely gifts. Both are in their early 60’s and are familiar with the etiquette I guess. Before that we hosted a recently married young couple….friends of one of my kids for whom I’ve been a surrogate Mom…and no hostess gift. I’m not complaining!! I just find it interesting, and a little sad, to see so many customs dying out with us seniors.

Children don’t want their folks’ silver, dinner ware, cocktail glass….I’m running into that a lot with clients who want to downsize but their children don’t want that any of that, items my clients have prized and which were handed down to them from one or more prior generations.

But I digress from my original topic. I will always bring a hostess gift, whether or not it’s expected or reciprocated. It’s one custom I won’t let go of.
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I was taught never to enter the home of others as their guest without a gift in my hands. It needn't be expensive, two cookies on a paper plate will do in a pinch.
And, also, on the other hand:

A guest is a jewel on the cushion of hospitality. --Nero Wolfe
 
That Lady in PA said:
I do, depending on the gathering.
If I was asked to bring something in particular, that suffices.
Otherwise, it is some sort of consumable.

I do wish people would stop bringing dish towels, mugs, candles, and similar. Those go directly to the donate box. We have pared down the knick-knacks and don't want more accumulating.
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To me it’s a waste of money and excess goods that will end up in the thrift store or landfill. Or it’s something they’ve received and are recycling. Obviously, I’m not a fan of the custom. I do do it.

There was an etiquette expert on tv talking about the party gifts you could give your guests when they leave.
 

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