Who's in charge?

[Ronni]

Reading an article the other day...I can't remember where I read it, unfortunately, so I can't cite the source. But I copied a portion because it really resonated with me.

"It's not disagreements over the dinner menu or the remote control that lead a couple to divorce. It’s the disagreements over who is in charge and who isn’t, and the stress and disruption that come along with these disagreements. Couples with unresolved dominance may last for a while, maybe even forever, but their relationship is inherently unstable."

I believe that every relationship is a dance of dominance and submission (not like in 50 Shades of Gray submission...bear with me here.) There are some things I excel at and some things that Ron does. He's useless (by his own admission) when it comes to technology, and I get anxious about vehicle issues because I don't know cars. He is certainly better at the handyman type stuff, while I do far better than him with decorating, color choices etc. Many other examples. He's in charge about some things and I am about others. We defer to each other in those areas.

In my prior marriage, my ex HAD to be dominant in EVERYTHING. His opinion/decision was always the dominant one under every circumstance, even in situations where my own knowledge base was far greater than his. Even separate from his abuse, this trait alone was devastating to the marriage.

I think that struggle for power, that effort to be in charge, underlies many arguments and issues in relationships. The need to be right, the need to not come across as weak or powerless, to not make oneself vulnerable...that kind of struggle in a relationship is at the base of many arguments, unrecognized as such, but nonetheless fueling the discord.

Is this something you have dealt with in your relationship?

 

[Keesha]

We are equal partners in our relationship.
Nobody is ‘in charge’ however our dogs claim that they own us.

 

[Sassycakes]

Me and my Hubby are equal partners in our marriage. I handle the things I am good at and he handles the things he is good at.

 

[StarSong]

We decided from the very beginning that the one who has the greater expertise in an area would make the final decision.
Failing that, the one who cared more was the one who prevailed.

When our kids were small, within my earshot a man from our church who disagreed with uppity women running things, asked my self-employed husband if he was also the boss of the household.
Hubby laughingly replied, "Are you kidding? I've seen the boss's job and don't want any part of it!"

 

[Judycat]

I wished my husband had been in charge. Unfortunately he made a mess of us financially. When I took over he would often ask, how can we afford this. Simple, you don't spend every cent you have in one day duh.

 

[Don M.]

Me and my Hubby are equal partners in our marriage. I handle the things I am good at and he handles the things he is good at.

The same at our place....I have my "skills" and my wife has hers....we share getting things done, and between the two of us, we usually find a solution to almost everything.

 

[Lc jones]

It’s a give-and-take after 40 years we’ve worked out the kinks!

 

[C'est Moi]

We are equal partners in our relationship.

Same. Though I do have the strongest personality, I know who the "quiet strength" truly is.

 

[charry]

im in charge now...i have to be...since hubbys stroke......but he understands, and needs to be pushed sometimes.....

 

[fuzzybuddy]

I'm not sure "in charge" means that much. For me, it's more of a trust issue. You trust that your partner has your back. You trust that your partner will do what is to our benefit. So, then it doesn't matter who writes the checks, etc. I do think that in a relationship, there is one, who handles responsibility better than the other. But I wouldn't call that being "in charge".

 

[Pecos]

LOL, this looks like an open invitation for me to tell a lie.

 

[Ruth n Jersey]

My hubby always took care of the finances. He was an accountant and I can't add two and two and get four. All these years he has kept us going. He did a good job but since he is 7 years older than me I told him I needed to know what is going on.
He agreed, I started in January and absolutely hate it but I know I have to do this.
He checks everything I do for mistakes, so far I get an A plus. The check book even balanced.
For some reason I reverse numbers, I don't know why that happens. It makes it so much harder for me.
I'm feeling more at ease since I started although its only been 2 months. He's been patient in helping me also.

Should he pass before me I do have my kids who I totally trust if I have issues.

 

[RadishRose]

LOL, this looks like an open invitation for me to tell a lie.

Lol, Pecos Pants-On-Fire

 

[oldman]

I’m like Bill Cosby on this one. During his one routine, he stated, “I seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it.”

I let my wife take care of as much as she wants and I get the scraps. If she feels like she’s being muscled (intimidated) by a man, she calls me in from the bullpen to be the closer. She calls me the equalizer.

 

[squatting dog]

We are equal partners in our relationship.
Nobody is ‘in charge’ however our dogs claim that they own us.

 

[peppermint]

I am the cook....Hubby is the handy man in the house....I mostly do the cleaning....If I can't my husband will take over....
It's only the 2 of us...I make the dinner and hubby does the dishes....Years ago when he worked, he didn't wash the dishes....
He had a long day at work and driving 2 hours home....We do go out to dinner, once and a while.....

 

[Capt Lightning]

Pretty well everything is shared. I do the cooking and the dish washer does the washing up. One area where I end up 'in charge' is booking holidays. We agree on where to go, and I'm told to make all the arrangements.