Why am I considered the so called "stupid one" ?

[Blessed]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one. I have been trying to get my driver's license renewed. I knew everything they were asking for. They wanted my birth certificate. I was born in France to a military father (Air Force), in France. Father died at 36 in 1962, Mother passed in 9/19. ;'

I dug through everything in Mom's papers. No sign of a birth certificate, only thing there was military papers showing are living in France and Germany while Dad was stationed.

Not good enough for the DMV, contact the American embassy to contact France to get a certified copy of my birth from France.

Long story, not so short, called the sister and asked if she could look through any thing she had, as I had spent days going through paperwork. Lo and behold, she had it, the original birth certificate issued in France.

Why, I asked, well Mom thought you might lose it. WTF, it was me who oved Mom to a new home right around the corner from me. It was me who moved Mom into my home when she could no longer take care of herself, it was me who dealt with the onset of dementia. It was me who cooked 3 meals a day she asked for including dessert, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was me who bathed her, cut her nails and hair and changed her diapers.

I was the youngest, the one who married her high school sweetheart, married to the day he died after five years on hard cancer care. G

All the while working full time, raising a teenage boy in high school, making sure he had all the attention he needed while in AP classes, band and varsity track.

Researching cancer care for his rare cancer. Getting us enrolled in trials across the country. Making travel arrangements, flights, hotels, car rentals. Getting oxygen set up to be delivered to our hotels. Going to to special training classes to learn how to take care of his lympedema, massage, wrapping to keep the swelling down.

Here I am, still the stupid one, not making my Mom spend money on a wedding for my sister that ended up in divorce after a year. After watching my sister go after my Boss at work when I said he was a wonderful person and that the girl who got him would be lucky.

After raising a son with a college degree, seeing him married and thriving while my nephew, who did not continue his education. Still living at home at 37, who has not had a serious relationship.

I am still stupid, I own my home, my son has no student loan debt, has a happy marriage that I stay out of. I only call if I need help. That is rare, I am currently have a roof repair done, have the trees trimmed or cut down, removing old land scaping. I am still the still the stupid one that can't take care of anything while the sis has a hubs that buys anything she wants, new cars, expensive bags, clothes and keeps a home worthy of a Princess. All of these things she would not have had unless I found her a really good man for a life partner.

I do not regret my life except for the ability for us to have more children. I just do not understand why my Mom thought so badly of my choices.

 

[Kaila]

I understand how that would make you feel hurt.it's rough.

Even though it has nothing to do with you, actually. You did very well, and your mother didn't decide well, in my view, ...
for what reason, you and we don't know.

Iam Sorry for the hurt you feel.

I'm glad to see you,
and I'm glad that you have your birth certificate.

 

[hollydolly]

Blessed.... stop...calm down..((hugs))) I tell you why... you're naive IMO... if you believe this nonsense.. and get upset over it. My suspicion is that your sister probably asked for the papers and was given them, and or your mum gave them to her and asked her to give you your copies... ..and SHE is the one maintaining that you werent responsible enough.. not your mother...

I have a sister just like it so I know...

 

[Murrmurr]

Bessed.... stop...calm down..((hugs))) I tell you why... you're naive IMO... if you believe this nonsesee.. and get upset over it. My suspicion is that your sister probably asked for the papers and was given them, and or your mum gave them to her and asked her to give you your copies... ..and SHE is the one maintaining that you werent responsible enough.. not your mother...

I have a sister just like it so I know...

That's a strong possibility @Blessed.

There's also a possibility your mom never realized or recognized how much you matured and accomplished as an adult...like, she just wasn't close to it, didn't see you in action on a daily basis, so she was still fixed on a much earlier, maybe less responsible (from her POV) version of you.

 

[seadoug]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one. I have been trying to get my driver's license renewed. I knew everything they were asking for. They wanted my birth certificate. I was born in France to a military father (Air Force), in France. Father died at 36 in 1962, Mother passed in 9/19. ;'

I dug through everything in Mom's papers. No sign of a birth certificate, only thing there was military papers showing are living in France and Germany while Dad was stationed.

Not good enough for the DMV, contact the American embassy to contact France to get a certified copy of my birth from France.

Long story, not so short, called the sister and asked if she could look through any thing she had, as I had spent days going through paperwork. Lo and behold, she had it, the original birth certificate issued in France.

Why, I asked, well Mom thought you might lose it. WTF, it was me who oved Mom to a new home right around the corner from me. It was me who moved Mom into my home when she could no longer take care of herself, it was me who dealt with the onset of dementia. It was me who cooked 3 meals a day she asked for including dessert, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was me who bathed her, cut her nails and hair and changed her diapers.

I was the youngest, the one who married her high school sweetheart, married to the day he died after five years on hard cancer care. G

All the while working full time, raising a teenage boy in high school, making sure he had all the attention he needed while in AP classes, band and varsity track.

Researching cancer care for his rare cancer. Getting us enrolled in trials across the country. Making travel arrangements, flights, hotels, car rentals. Getting oxygen set up to be delivered to our hotels. Going to to special training classes to learn how to take care of his lympedema, massage, wrapping to keep the swelling down.

Here I am, still the stupid one, not making my Mom spend money on a wedding for my sister that ended up in divorce after a year. After watching my sister go after my Boss at work when I said he was a wonderful person and that the girl who got him would be lucky.

After raising a son with a college degree, seeing him married and thriving while my nephew, who did not continue his education. Still living at home at 37, who has not had a serious relationship.

I am still stupid, I own my home, my son has no student loan debt, has a happy marriage that I stay out of. I only call if I need help. That is rare, I am currently have a roof repair done, have the trees trimmed or cut down, removing old land scaping. I am still the still the stupid one that can't take care of anything while the sis has a hubs that buys anything she wants, new cars, expensive bags, clothes and keeps a home worthy of a Princess. All of these things she would not have had unless I found her a really good man for a life partner.

I do not regret my life except for the ability for us to have more children. I just do not understand why my Mom thought so badly of my choices.

What an ordeal! I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You've clearly been the "responsible" one in your family, so please don't beat yourself up. Be proud of everything you've accomplished.

 

[AutumnGal]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one. I have been trying to get my driver's license renewed. I knew everything they were asking for. They wanted my birth certificate. I was born in France to a military father (Air Force), in France. Father died at 36 in 1962, Mother passed in 9/19. ;'

I dug through everything in Mom's papers. No sign of a birth certificate, only thing there was military papers showing are living in France and Germany while Dad was stationed.

Not good enough for the DMV, contact the American embassy to contact France to get a certified copy of my birth from France.

Long story, not so short, called the sister and asked if she could look through any thing she had, as I had spent days going through paperwork. Lo and behold, she had it, the original birth certificate issued in France.

Why, I asked, well Mom thought you might lose it. WTF, it was me who oved Mom to a new home right around the corner from me. It was me who moved Mom into my home when she could no longer take care of herself, it was me who dealt with the onset of dementia. It was me who cooked 3 meals a day she asked for including dessert, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was me who bathed her, cut her nails and hair and changed her diapers.

I was the youngest, the one who married her high school sweetheart, married to the day he died after five years on hard cancer care. G

All the while working full time, raising a teenage boy in high school, making sure he had all the attention he needed while in AP classes, band and varsity track.

Researching cancer care for his rare cancer. Getting us enrolled in trials across the country. Making travel arrangements, flights, hotels, car rentals. Getting oxygen set up to be delivered to our hotels. Going to to special training classes to learn how to take care of his lympedema, massage, wrapping to keep the swelling down.

Here I am, still the stupid one, not making my Mom spend money on a wedding for my sister that ended up in divorce after a year. After watching my sister go after my Boss at work when I said he was a wonderful person and that the girl who got him would be lucky.

After raising a son with a college degree, seeing him married and thriving while my nephew, who did not continue his education. Still living at home at 37, who has not had a serious relationship.

I am still stupid, I own my home, my son has no student loan debt, has a happy marriage that I stay out of. I only call if I need help. That is rare, I am currently have a roof repair done, have the trees trimmed or cut down, removing old land scaping. I am still the still the stupid one that can't take care of anything while the sis has a hubs that buys anything she wants, new cars, expensive bags, clothes and keeps a home worthy of a Princess. All of these things she would not have had unless I found her a really good man for a life partner.

I do not regret my life except for the ability for us to have more children. I just do not understand why my Mom thought so badly of my choices.

I could go on similarly, believe me but I'm new so better not lol.

I have a few sisters. My mom is still alive.

I have been there more than any of them as you detail at every surgery my dad ever had, my mom's cancer and so much more... I'll save the detail since no one knows me well yet.

I have always felt misunderstood no matter how one on one they all know me imo and who I really am and what I am about. I suspect at least one of my sisters contributes to that misconception...

So that well could be part of it in your case but next is the other thing...

My mom KNOWS I am going to be there if I can be... Always. Even if I'm upset with her, if she was sick, that would change in an instant...

Part of it I think is ensuring the ones they are not so sure of are treated special so they will hopefully be there too...

And on top of it, mom could be playing a bit... I feel my mom does... I think it's as you get older and worry more about who will be there if you need them, you give attention and even play people against each other a bit maybe, maybe even intentionally... Maybe unintentionally...

It doesn't help or fix things I know. I to this day feel misunderstood even by my sisters who I talk with some one on one with... I think they get other info or vice versa... And someone twists things...

I'm not sure how drama was in your family but in earlier years in ours for sure, there were certain people who caused certain things imo. I keep thinking it's changed but then something happens and I'm like okay.... Someone is doing SOMETHING or saying untrue things to someone...

I don't know if any of this is the same for you or resonates, but if it does, rest assured I feel this way a lot. I feel like the heads of my own adult children get messed with... At times. By someone in my own family...

On the surface, we are all a lot better than in our younger years but I still sense it goes on at times... I have one that I thnk has never been able to quite help herself... Jealousy? In my case she and her kids have had it way better than I and mine so why would she be jealous but.... She felt that way in childhood, I know that...

It's just a tough thing I know. I honestly don't think anyone after how many years on this earth really understands what I am truly like, my heart, my feelings... And those that I have assumed at times should know, I find out don't despite all the evidence they've seen from me throughout the years of who I really am and what I'm made of.

Having possibly similar things probably doesn't help but it might help you if any of this resonates because at least a stranger can understand somewhat. IF it resonates.

 

[Nathan]

@Blessed, take comfort in the knowledge of your own worth, and let go any concern you have of others beliefs.

 

[Messy]

Or maybe your mom said it when she had dementia already?

 

[Kaila]

Also a possibility that your mother believed that she was supposed to give things like that to the older, and not the younger, no matter what.

Even if your mother did recognize the sort of person you are.

 

[MarciKS]

I would not consider anyone stupid that's done as much as you have. You got your certificate, it's over now. I'm proud of you. I know what it's like to be made to feel that way.

 

[hollydolly]

I would not consider anyone stupid that's done as much as you have. You got your certificate, it's over now. I'm proud of you. I know what it's like to be made to feel that way.

She's far from stupid and I'm sure she doesn't believe she's stupid... she's just thinking that other members of her family believe she's stupid, and how unfair of them to think that......... and nothing could be further from the truth !

 

[MarciKS]

Yep. Been there done that.

 

[AutumnGal]

Also a possibility that your mother believed that she was supposed to give things like that to the older, and not the younger, no matter what.

Even if your mother did recognize the sort of person you are.

That's a good point. Parents have a way sometimes of thinking of the older one as the one that will take care of things sometimes despite the evidence over years. Kind of a natural way of thinking, although one would think they'd see otherwise as time goes on...

 

[AutumnGal]

Seems like plenty can identify anyhow or at least have had something similar.

I love my family (those we still have and those we have lost) but I can't believe after all this time sometimes that similar things still seem to occur.

I feel like the black sheep yet I'm not in terms of who has been there. So yep, that is so hard.

 

[OneEyedDiva]

You are understandably hurt by your mom's lack of trust in your abilities, especially after all you did for her. Perhaps your mother was holding on to the fact that you were the youngest, her baby, so least likely to be able to handle business. Of course, once she had dementia and your were doing all those things for her, it was too late for her to think rationally and change her opinion. I'm glad you got your certificate and can more forward.

I know someone who is feeling the same type of pain, although his situation has never been as dire as yours. He does all he can for his father (still an able bodied man), calls and visits almost daily, shovels the snow over his father's objections, always offers to take him places just so they can hang out. Yet he found out that his sisters who basically do nothing for the father were privy to the father's will and other business affairs my friend didn't even know about until recently (and he didn't hear it from his father). And trust me, he's the smartest one in the family.

 

[Blessed]

I thank you all for your kind words, but I am just heartbroken. I have always tried to the right thing, to be there, to take care of others. I have finally accepted the fact that it does not matter what I do. I will never be enough for others peoples standards.

I have lived a traditional life as a wife, mother and daughter but no one has ever appreciated the hard work and sacrifice I put into so that others would have what they needed, have the things they needed to thrive.

I am coming to the point where I realize it all means nothing. Here I sit, as seen as nothing but a to make everything easier for others. Just call me and I will fix it. No one thinks of me at all, if I might be struggling, sick and need just a little contact to help me cope.

The truth is it means nothing, To give up your hopes and dreams for others just gets you to the end of your life to realize it does not mean crap. I mean really, I can't think of one Thank you except when I took my Mom a piece of cake or pie after she finished her breakfast......still makes me laugh.

 

[hollydolly]

I thank you all for your kind words, but I am just heartbroken. I have always tried to the right thing, to be there, to take care of others. I have finally accepted the fact that it does not matter what I do. I will never be enough for others peoples standards.

I have lived a traditional life as a wife, mother and daughter but no one has ever appreciated the hard work and sacrifice I put into so that others would have what they needed, have the things they needed to thrive.

I am coming to the point where I realize it all means nothing. Here I sit, as seen as nothing but a to make everything easier for others. Just call me and I will fix it. No one thinks of me at all, if I might be struggling, sick and need just a little contact to help me cope.

The truth is it means nothing, To give up your hopes and dreams for others just gets you to the end of your life to realize it does not mean crap. I mean really, I can't think of one Thank you except when I took my Mom a piece of cake or pie after she finished her breakfast......still makes me laugh.

I'm so sorry you're allowing this to take you 5 steps back in your recovery.... because you know.. and we know...and your son knows and your late husband knew, and your mother knew ..and even your sister knows the truth.. and that is that you are the star of the show... the responsible one, the caring one, the honest one, the decent one.. the sensitive one...

Please don't let this upset you... it doesn't deserve the space in your heart, mind or thought...

 

[Sunkist]

I thank you all for your kind words, but I am just heartbroken. I have always tried to the right thing, to be there, to take care of others. I have finally accepted the fact that it does not matter what I do. I will never be enough for others peoples standards.

I have lived a traditional life as a wife, mother and daughter but no one has ever appreciated the hard work and sacrifice I put into so that others would have what they needed, have the things they needed to thrive.

I am coming to the point where I realize it all means nothing. Here I sit, as seen as nothing but a to make everything easier for others. Just call me and I will fix it. No one thinks of me at all, if I might be struggling, sick and need just a little contact to help me cope.

The truth is it means nothing, To give up your hopes and dreams for others just gets you to the end of your life to realize it does not mean crap. I mean really, I can't think of one Thank you except when I took my Mom a piece of cake or pie after she finished her breakfast......still makes me laugh.

It's not the end yet.. hang in there..
and don't let anyone con you with that crap about 'ya gotta forgive..'

 

[Teacher Terry]

Sending hugs your way! You are a wonderful, loving, kind and smart woman. Family can be very cruel and I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

 

[Pepper]

Your mother was stupid

 

[hollydolly]

Your mother was stupid

don't be saying stuff like that..it's not mother whose upset her... it was older sister

 

[Jules]

Blessed, your mother may have given your sister these papers, and maybe others, at a time she saw you were dealing with your very sick husband. She may have felt she was helping you. I don’t believe she said the things your sister implied. You’re a more than a competent woman. Keep on knowing that.

 

[Aunt Bea]

 

[Messy]

Why does it even matter if you take care of that stuff or lose it? Why make a whole list of accomplishments and you even compare your kid with your sister's kid cause your kid got some education or a partner and hers didn't. Who cares?

As if having a study or a job or money or a partner or being able to do whatever defines your worth. As if someone with ADD who forgets that stuff is worth less or stupid.

 

[hearlady]

Sorry, this is going to be a long one. I have been trying to get my driver's license renewed. I knew everything they were asking for. They wanted my birth certificate. I was born in France to a military father (Air Force), in France. Father died at 36 in 1962, Mother passed in 9/19. ;'

I dug through everything in Mom's papers. No sign of a birth certificate, only thing there was military papers showing are living in France and Germany while Dad was stationed.

Not good enough for the DMV, contact the American embassy to contact France to get a certified copy of my birth from France.

Long story, not so short, called the sister and asked if she could look through any thing she had, as I had spent days going through paperwork. Lo and behold, she had it, the original birth certificate issued in France.

Why, I asked, well Mom thought you might lose it. WTF, it was me who oved Mom to a new home right around the corner from me. It was me who moved Mom into my home when she could no longer take care of herself, it was me who dealt with the onset of dementia. It was me who cooked 3 meals a day she asked for including dessert, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was me who bathed her, cut her nails and hair and changed her diapers.

I was the youngest, the one who married her high school sweetheart, married to the day he died after five years on hard cancer care. G

All the while working full time, raising a teenage boy in high school, making sure he had all the attention he needed while in AP classes, band and varsity track.

Researching cancer care for his rare cancer. Getting us enrolled in trials across the country. Making travel arrangements, flights, hotels, car rentals. Getting oxygen set up to be delivered to our hotels. Going to to special training classes to learn how to take care of his lympedema, massage, wrapping to keep the swelling down.

Here I am, still the stupid one, not making my Mom spend money on a wedding for my sister that ended up in divorce after a year. After watching my sister go after my Boss at work when I said he was a wonderful person and that the girl who got him would be lucky.

After raising a son with a college degree, seeing him married and thriving while my nephew, who did not continue his education. Still living at home at 37, who has not had a serious relationship.

I am still stupid, I own my home, my son has no student loan debt, has a happy marriage that I stay out of. I only call if I need help. That is rare, I am currently have a roof repair done, have the trees trimmed or cut down, removing old land scaping. I am still the still the stupid one that can't take care of anything while the sis has a hubs that buys anything she wants, new cars, expensive bags, clothes and keeps a home worthy of a Princess. All of these things she would not have had unless I found her a really good man for a life partner.

I do not regret my life except for the ability for us to have more children. I just do not understand why my Mom thought so badly of my choices.

Your sister may be mistaken on the intent. When DH passed the family was here going through papers. All my children's birth certificates are here. Not because they're stupid but as they were settling it was a safe place to have them.
They all commented, " Yeah, we should probably take those and keep them. " Yet, here they sit.
I'm sure your Mom figured out you were a responsible adult but the birth certificate wasn't a priority in her mind.
I guess it depends on the situation with your sister. Would she relish in telling you that your Mom thought you were stupid? Just for this reaction?
How actually did your sister end up with it? Their may be an entirely different story.