Why did the estrangement happen?

VintageBetter

VintageBetter

Senior Member
This is not light-hearted. I trust the mod will move it as they see fit. You do not have to go into detail. Broad statements are fine.

In my case, I have tried often to build bridges with one particular family member, holidays, birthdays, but she and I do not see the world the same one bit. She sees my ex as a "nice guy" and simply refuses to believe or acknowledge that he abused me. So, I told her that we can never talk about him or my married life and that worked for many years. Then more stuff happened in our immediate family, very traumatic for me, and she could not be bothered to step up and help me even when I asked several times.

So, we have a very different world view. I see myself as someone who should be believed because I strive to be truthful at all times. Private, but truthful. I do not have a social media account in which I cry on camera and tell the world about each and every event. That's what people do nowadays so since I try to be private and do not do that, is that "wrong"? IDK.

She sees me as someone to be used as needed and disbelieved if my words don't fit into the narrative in her head. But I have still reached out to her even though she has used me. Why? I always hope for healing of the relationship, that's why. I always hope for Rational Thought to Prevail.

The other estrangements from extended family is because of Teams, you know? Team Mrs. and Team Mr. The Teams cannot intermingle because they are at War. I did not know I was on a Team - they put me there. I believe in individuality far more than I believe in Teams, but I live in an area that WORSHIPS Teams and pretty much ignores individuals as much as possible. I think I have joined Team Senior Citizens by being here.
 

None of my siblings and I ever got along with each other since childhood. All different personalities and opinions. We all went our separate ways. A Norman Rockwell family, we are not. We got together with our parents only on special occasions and it was stressful. Parents are gone, no more family get togethers. We have our friends that treat us more like family more than our own family did. We don't force anything, just go with it.
 
VintageBetter said:
...The other estrangements from extended family is because of Teams, you know? Team Mrs. and Team Mr. The Teams cannot intermingle because they are at War. I did not know I was on a Team - they put me there. I believe in individuality far more than I believe in Teams
Click to expand...

umm...what?..."setting up teams within extended family that can't intermingle because they are at war" sounds like playground behavior to me but with an added underlying insidious outcome. Kind of like "Clicks" that are mean, as they are non-inclusive and gossip about the outsiders which is often untruthful.

I agree with you...I believe we're all individuals. And we all have flaws.
So love one another, forgive others, and they need to get over themselves.
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I come from a family of ten siblings, and we barely speak to one another. Old resentments, grudges, etc. have gotten very old indeed. I finally learned that if I keep approaching that toxic well looking for water, all I would get is toxins. Fifteen years ago, my parents died within a year of each other. Guess what? We are more estranged than ever. I have one sister who reaches out, but the other two might as well have dropped off the face of the earth. I have six brothers, none of them reach out.

It was when I got tired of being scapegoated, used and disrespected that my life got exponentially better. I met and married a fine man and got on with it. Only one sibling congratulated me, on FB. I grieved for the family I never really had, and now I don't seek anything from any of them. Therein lies peace.

Vintage Better, I hope you can find your inner peace, too!:)
 
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My brother was 5 when I was born and jealous and never got over it so we don’t have a relationship. My sister is 8 years older and very difficult and bossy. I was 50 when I finally stood up to her and we now only have a email relationship. If I go to my hometown I will spend an afternoon with her but the last time I did that was 5 years ago.
 
@carouselsilver I have been scapegoated too. I can tell you every role every kid in my birth family has been assigned.

Then my ex, also dysfunctional, did that too. He and my primary scapegoater from my birth family are pals. This is part of why I'm a total skeptic about "teams". Teams can suffer from Group Think and be dead wrong. The Psychology Behind Why We Strive for Consensus

I would hazard a generality and say that every convict who has been falsely imprisoned was probably put there, in part, by the blindness of Group Think.
 
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It's taken me years to realize that just because you're "blood" doesn't make it necessary to have a relationship with them. I've tried for over 30 years to be close to my son (who's now going to be 50 in July) but he doesn't want that. I've agonized and cried about it many times. It's been his choice to be estranged, not mine. A couple years ago, I decided to just let him go and I quit trying to force a relationship that was never going to be. I felt relief. Sad, but relieved.

Then, recently, I cut ties with my late husband's kids. When my husband died in October, I called his oldest son (who lives in AZ) from the ER and told him his dad was in very critical condition and wasn't expected to make it. Know what he said to me?....Well, you hang in there. That's how much he cared about his dad or me. In January, his sister told me that her brother wants his dad's guns and gun safe. I stewed about it for a while and then I sold everything.

His sister never offered to come after her dad died to be with me or help me with anything. I don't feel bad about telling them what I think of them and I'm glad I don't have to put up with their superiority any more. The middle son is married and they have 2 boys. We were never allowed to have anything to do with them because his wife hated us. My husband use to ask his son if he could talk to the boys when they were younger but his son always made some excuse why they couldn't talk to him. I have no use for that son either.

Put your foot down, if you have to, and move on.
 
My parents were both narcissists, and spent most of their time arguing and accusing each other of being the worst parent. I had peace and closure with both parents before they died, and that is how I can go on without too much bitterness. I feel compassion for some of my siblings because they are still caught in the crossfire that is no longer even going on. My youngest sister whom I loved dearly, completely ignores me. I have learned to detach with love.
 
Opposites attract, just don't get all stuck on or with them all the time.
If your family reunions every year? Then let it run its course.
There are those who expect a fat wad of cash. Swear they never wanted anything.
 

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