Why does it hurt so much when we get ghosted?

Nathan said:
The linked article in post #1 didn't provide a definition of ghosting, but basically is : "Ghosting, simmering and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication and avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate."
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that bolded is a good explanation
 
officerripley said:
CallMeKate said:
I still can't get notifications for this section of the forum... I even marked recently to get email notifications and that doesn't work either. But anyhow, I'm just seeing this now. My thoughts... yeah, it's very hurtful. We wonder forever what we did or said to make the other person go away. We also wonder if they're dead or very ill.

I think it should be a given that if you no longer want to talk to someone, they should at least be told. If a relationship, then "this just isn't working out and I'm going to pull away now" .... or if a friendship, then something like "I'm sorry, but we just don't seem to have much to talk about any longer." I do suspect that's much easier to type out like I just did than to actually say it to someone, though... but important all the same.

There's always that nagging thought about what we did wrong. And yes, I've been ghosted by a friend of 20+ years. Took 2 years to find out it was by death.
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Yes I think it is always best and fair to other person to do that - even by message if you can't say it in person

Never good to just ghost people
 

Never on social media nor use dating apps. That behavior has much to do with the rise of telephone calling features like leaving messages, caller ID, and callback plus the Internet. There was a time when most people picked up their phones for most calls. Note my final 8 years before retiring were for a VOIP business phone systems corporation with several management layers.

At corporate workplaces, it sometimes became impossible to contact managers and higher level peers because they only answered their phones when the caller ID was someone at or above their level. In like manner would ignore responding to emails.

As a result in frustration, I would sometimes just walk into manager's offices to interrupt and talk to them directly. A behavior that was not always appreciated. For instance, I might go into a director level office and state "I need to work with Bill a few minutes in order to complete item #23 on the product schedule." I wouldn't need to explain that Bill ignored me because such was happening at all levels due to culture from the top.

In like manner, many ordinary small minded people play the same status game rarely answering phone calls, emails, etc that in some circumstances, I personally find inconsiderate.
 
Nathan said:
Before her passing, my daughter told me of the conflict she and her daughter(my grand) were engaged in. Her daughter told her: "you are dead to me". The ultimate in hurtful things someone could say, especially to their own mother.
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If a daughter tells her mother "you are dead to me" the mother has a significant amount of responsibility. Thus the daughter may have valid reasons for her statement. I know such a daughter.
 
Rose65 said:
I couldn't care less if anyone does not want to be friends or stops contacting me. It's their choice.

I used to get hurt about all that when young, but now I shrug my shoulders.
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The same with me. I am not on social media, thus nobody who can ghost me. If I were on such media I couldn't care less. I don't need any affirmations by other people. I had a teacher whom I liked very much. He said "I'd rather prefer to be hated by my students than to be despised."
 
My problem is just the opposite. I wish some people would up and leave me. If they didn’t call or write me I would be OK with that.
 
George1959 said:
If a daughter tells her mother "you are dead to me" the mother has a significant amount of responsibility. Thus the daughter may have valid reasons for her statement. I know such a daughter.
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Well, I don't think my daughter deserved that in the least. The only responsibility my daughter has to bear in the matter is quite frankly spoiling the child, being too loving and giving her everything that she possibly could. The granddaughter picks up a lot of hateful attitude from her biological father.
 
oldman said:
My problem is just the opposite. I wish some people would up and leave me. If they didn’t call or write me I would be OK with that.
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I just ignore those I find irritating. I only keep friends who I like and know on Facebook, only a select small group. I couldn't care less about popularity or pleasing anyone.
 
I had this happen recently for the first time in my life. It was a woman I’ve been close friends with since we were 12 years old!

We were both texting each other on Facebook and I told her about a medical test I was having that really frightened me. I was hoping for some support from her. She didn’t say a word about it or call me as either of us would usually do in that circumstance. I was really hurt.
Then, I didn’t hear from her for an entire year! I called her to wish her a Merry Christmas and we started up talking again. This time she was having health issues and her grandson was having a very extensive surgery and I was very supportive to both.

Eventually, I brought up the ghosting and how upset I was and she denied that anything was wrong and asked me why I didn’t contact her earlier and ask her. She said she had no idea that it had been that long since we spoke.
Not long after that, I needed gallbladder surgery and she did the same thing again. She acted as if she didn’t know anything about it and it even crossed my mind that she might have dementia.
She ghosted me again for a long time and I just took her off my friend list and that was that! I have no idea what happened. It sure did hurt.
 
George1959 said:
The same with me. I am not on social media, thus nobody who can ghost me. If I were on such media I couldn't care less. I don't need any affirmations by other people. I had a teacher whom I liked very much. He said "I'd rather prefer to be hated by my students than to be despised."
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Ghosting doesn't just apply to social media.

It could be a friend who suddenly won't take your calls or reply to your texts or communicate in any way.
 
Nathan said:
Well, I don't think my daughter deserved that in the least. The only responsibility my daughter has to bear in the matter is quite frankly spoiling the child, being too loving and giving her everything that she possibly could. The granddaughter picks up a lot of hateful attitude from her biological father.
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I'm so sorry your daughter had to go through hearing that from her daughter @Nathan (and sad to hear that she has passed away). That must have hurt her terribly, and I'm sure you as her father were hurt as well.
 
MaidMarian said:
I had this happen recently for the first time in my life. It was a woman I’ve been close friends with since we were 12 years old!

We were both texting each other on Facebook and I told her about a medical test I was having that really frightened me. I was hoping for some support from her. She didn’t say a word about it or call me as either of us would usually do in that circumstance. I was really hurt.
Then, I didn’t hear from her for an entire year! I called her to wish her a Merry Christmas and we started up talking again. This time she was having health issues and her grandson was having a very extensive surgery and I was very supportive to both.

Eventually, I brought up the ghosting and how upset I was and she denied that anything was wrong and asked me why I didn’t contact her earlier and ask her. She said she had no idea that it had been that long since we spoke.
Not long after that, I needed gallbladder surgery and she did the same thing again. She acted as if she didn’t know anything about it and it even crossed my mind that she might have dementia.
She ghosted me again for a long time and I just took her off my friend list and that was that! I have no idea what happened. It sure did hurt.
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She's the very definition of Fairweather Friend. I've a had a few. They're only around for the fun stuff.
Nathan said:
Well, I don't think my daughter deserved that in the least. The only responsibility my daughter has to bear in the matter is quite frankly spoiling the child, being too loving and giving her everything that she possibly could. The granddaughter picks up a lot of hateful attitude from her biological father.
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I know someone who has endured exactly that situation. She and her husband divorced when the daughter was a toddler. She devoted her life to the child, working hard to (barely) support the two of them. When the girl was in her teens she reunited with her father, who was now very well-to-do and started to live with him part time. By the time she graduated, she had totally written her mother out of her life and now refuses to speak to her.
 
My first ghosting was way back in college. I had been going steady with Boyfriend for a few months, then Christmas break happened for two weeks. When school restarted I expected him to be waiting at the Greyhound station as was the custom. Nope. Neither did he call the dorm during the next few days.

So, I went to a school dance and was having a fine time dancing with several cute guys when Boyfriend showed up. He told me he had dropped me because the Christmas card I had sent him was really big and his family had teased him about it.

He begged me to forgive him and as I was young and stupid, I did.

These days I'd be like:
im-sorry-do-i-know-you.png
 
Bella said:
Being ghosted means that the friendship wasn't what you thought it was. You were more invested in your relationship than your "friend" was. That's the way it goes sometimes.
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One of the times it happened to me, I wasn't silly enough to think that we were BFFs but I thought we were regular friends; but no, we weren't even that; turns out she just thought of me as an acquaintance she could vent to (in an any-port-in-a-storm kind of way).
 

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