Why doesn’t life just STOP??

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
Why didn’t life just come to a screaming halt when my son left us? It just keeps moving forward no matter how hard I resist as it drags me kicking and screaming along with it.

I hate life for its relentless forward motion, for its utter disregard for what that forward motion does to me when I just want everything to stop, want everyone to be as sad and wretched as I am because their happiness, joy, complacency in the face of my tragedy is callous and appalling to me.

I know that’s not rational. I don’t care.

I feel like I’m living in a state of suffocation. Every time there's even a glimmer that I might be doing even a tiny bit better, I just get overwhelmed with a foreshadowing of my future from now until I die.

Every day, every celebration, every moment of happiness or fun or even normalcy that I might be able to eke out of this wretchedness will be smothered, suffocated by the fact that he isn't here, and never will be again. It doesn’t matter what I think about, whether it’s decorating for Christmas or going away for New Years or even stuff like finishing the porch which had been a fun project, it all ends up feeling flat and pointless.

I can’t think of anything in my future without feeling pain. The future feels hurtful and suffocating and so incredibly bleak.
 

I remember driving home, knowing that my mother had been hit by a car. She was already dead but I did not know yet. When it was confirmed I wondered why didn't the earth stop? Why didn't I know?

The morning my husband died, I woke up and knew something was very wrong. The earth did freeze to a halt. We lived in the woods, there was always animal noise, it was never quiet but this day there was no sound. I ran, at 5:18 am into our "living" room and found him.

It's agony, Ronni and you are trapped, a prisoner within this madness. I'm so sorry this has happened, I think about you all day long. Losing a child, the way you did---I don't know when you will see the sun again. I don't know when you will smile and laugh freely again. I'm so very sorry and only wish this were a bad dream that you will wake up from.
 
If it helps to vent, it's cheaper than therapy.
If venting doesn't help, therapy may be the answer ... or a chat or two with a pastor, maybe.

I'm so very sorry for your loss Ronni. Nothing can replace a son, daughter, mother, father.
Time should make things less difficult. Part of the healing is acceptance.
Perhaps understanding that life isn't always fair and it isn't your fault is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery. It's said that acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world.
 

I have never lost a child, so I cannot say I know how you feel. But, would suggest grief counseling. Maybe a support group specifically for parents who have lost a child. My parents had a baby who died at about a month old. Not an adult child, but I know that my mom would have benefited from a grief group
 
What you're doing is the right thing Ronni. Yell, scream, cry, and don't hold back. Get it all out. Intense grief and anger is a normal process of bereavement or mourning as I'm sure you know. Continue to stay busy. Always make plans for something to look forward to. And don't make any big decisions the first year.

One day, and it may be a long time but all of a sudden you'll wake up and say to yourself, "It's time to move forward" and you will experience a renewed strength to boldly face the world.
 
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Ronni....hugs. 💜 Your loss is devastating and painful to be sure, and I think it's important to feel the way you're feeling and talking about it, important and necessary part of the grief process. Life is bittersweet, it's good that you're being guided to move forward with your life, the time that takes is very much personal and individual.

I sat next to my mother while my sister in her early 40s was being buried. We were all crying and extremely sad, my mother was torn apart, as she also lost my brother. Her grief never ended, but it did seem to lessen over time.

Know that we care and are thinking about you. Sending love your way my friend. ☮️
 
Marie5656 said:
I have never lost a child, so I cannot say I know how you feel. But, would suggest grief counseling. Maybe a support group specifically for parents who have lost a child. My parents had a baby who died at about a month old. Not an adult child, but I know that my mom would have benefited from a grief group
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Marie, I believe the Ronni mentioned she is attending a support group for suicide grief. Sorry your parents lost their baby.
 
Those of us who have had our loved ones die, Ronni...feel your pain, feel your emotions, and know that all you want is the world to stop.. to let us get off, let us stop the never ending pain that threatens to engulf us ,, and sometimes we wish it would just so we don't suffer the agony any more..

......and we want to scream at other people in the world, people walking by, people on TV, people everywhere .....STOP...how dare you.. how DARE you live your lives, how dare you laugh, and joke, and have fun when my loved one is dead and I'm in such pain and suffering, and this will never go away and the world will never be the same ... ... how dare you..

It's beyond pain Ronni.. it's like being burned in Hell.....


.....we know dear lady...we know!!🤗.....but eventually the flame starts to burn a little lower... and not so intensely.. until one day you will find you've smiled.... yes that will happen, one day..... you just got to be brave and endure this Ronni... because you loved him so much this is the price you have to pay... he's watching you, you know... be brave for your darling boy
 
When my grandson was killed 14 yrs. ago, a week after graduating from college, I nearly lost my mind. Then I went numb. I was a robot, barely functioning for some time. Eventually, I came around and had many questions. One of the questions I had was the possibility of suicide. He'd recently split from a girl he loved dearly, was deeply in debt, and was drinking heavily. College was a snap for him, and I knew that wasn't his problem. I guess we'll never know, but it still bothers me no end to this day.

Ronni, keep venting, be angry and hurt, that is your right as your son's mother. Perhaps, somewhere down the line, you'll receive more answers. I feel your pain to a degree. The frustration alone is maddening. I hope time will begin to heal some of the rough edges of all that has occurred.

You are still in my prayers. It is difficult to stay sane, but you will. xxxooo
 
Ronni said:
Why didn’t ilife just come to a screaming halt when my son left us? It just keeps moving forward no matter how hard I resist as it drags me kicking and screaming along with it.

I hate life for its relentless forward motion, for its utter disregard for what that forward motion does to me when I just want everything to stop, want everyone to be as sad and wretched as I am because their happiness, joy, complacency in the face of my tragedy is callous and appalling to me.

I know that’s not rational. I don’t care.

I feel like I’m living in a state of suffocation. Every time there's even a glimmer that I might be doing even a tiny bit better, I just get overwhelmed with a foreshadowing of my future from now until I die.

Every day, every celebration, every moment of happiness or fun or even normalcy that I might be able to eke out of this wretchedness will be smothered, suffocated by the fact that he isn't here, and never will be again. It doesn’t matter what I think about, whether it’s decorating for Christmas or going away for New Years or even stuff like finishing the porch which had been a fun project, it all ends up feeling flat and pointless.

I can’t think of anything in my future without feeling pain. The future feels hurtful and suffocating and so incredibly bleak.
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I understand. I've felt the same as you do now many times in my life. It just doesn't seem fair. I think misery really does need company. Rant away. I hope in some small way it can help you.
 
Lewkat said:
When my grandson was killed 14 yrs. ago, a week after graduating from college, I nearly lost my mind. Then I went numb. I was a robot, barely functioning for some time. Eventually, I came around and had many questions. One of the questions I had was the possibility of suicide. He'd recently split from a girl he loved dearly, was deeply in debt, and was drinking heavily. College was a snap for him, and I knew that wasn't his problem. I guess we'll never know, but it still bothers me no end to this day.

Ronni, keep venting, be angry and hurt, that is your right as your son's mother. Perhaps, somewhere down the line, you'll receive more answers. I feel your pain to a degree. The frustration alone is maddening. I hope time will begin to heal some of the rough edges of all that has occurred.

You are still in my prayers. It is difficult to stay sane, but you will. xxxooo
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when my daughters' half brother killed himself in his early 20's.. it was horrendous for his father, because he left a note before going off to the woods to take his own life.. but it wasn't found until later in the day because he'd left it wrapped around a bottle of milk in the fridge, but not saying where he;d gone .. so when my ex husband found it he was frantic, and kept ringing his phone.. but it kept just going to answer phone.. it was already too late... and his body was found by a person walking their dog in the woods..
 
@Ronni, no need to reply, just wanted you to know you're being thought of and wished well. Love and hugs. 💜

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I'm sure it is hard to think about anything other than grieving over your son right now, but perhaps your life didn't stop because you are meant to keep contributing to society. You seem like a wonderful person, so the world still needs you. I know we all embrace you here at SF, if that is of any comfort.

Perhaps you can do something to keep your son's legacy alive. Maybe down the road when the pain isn't so raw you could share your story to comfort and educate others who have lost loved ones to suicide?

I'm glad to hear you are attending the group sessions with others that are in similar situations. Keep sharing with them and with us on SF. My heart breaks for you, but I know you still have a purpose on this earth.
 
Ronni said:
Why didn’t life just come to a screaming halt when my son left us? It just keeps moving forward no matter how hard I resist as it drags me kicking and screaming along with it.

I hate life for its relentless forward motion, for its utter disregard for what that forward motion does to me when I just want everything to stop, want everyone to be as sad and wretched as I am because their happiness, joy, complacency in the face of my tragedy is callous and appalling to me.

I know that’s not rational. I don’t care.

I feel like I’m living in a state of suffocation. Every time there's even a glimmer that I might be doing even a tiny bit better, I just get overwhelmed with a foreshadowing of my future from now until I die.

Every day, every celebration, every moment of happiness or fun or even normalcy that I might be able to eke out of this wretchedness will be smothered, suffocated by the fact that he isn't here, and never will be again. It doesn’t matter what I think about, whether it’s decorating for Christmas or going away for New Years or even stuff like finishing the porch which had been a fun project, it all ends up feeling flat and pointless.

I can’t think of anything in my future without feeling pain. The future feels hurtful and suffocating and so incredibly bleak.
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Hey Ronni.

Life has many great things to teach us, and along with that come lessons we'd rather never have. Be it the death of a parent, or a child, we all find ourselves in a state of grieving at some time. Along with that, all the doubts, regrets, all the what-if scenarios. They hurt.

I sit in my living room and often run through painful parts of my life asking myself why I did this, why didn't I do that. The if-only plays out and it's not always pleasant. I think we all go through that at some point. Personally I'd rather I had a memory lapse and forgot all that so I could just get on with today.

Your situation is, of course, very fresh. Your equilibrium is off, and the pain wins out and things can seem senseless. Even if you know the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, it doesn't help, because it's an intellectual exercise, and what you're feeling is so emotional.

Some pain you simply have to ride out. Sometimes you simply have to go over those rapids because life is brutally wicked at times in order to find the calm.

The thing is, when we're amidst great grief, we're not able to see the whole picture. It's a fog that envelopes everything. You're losing your self-worth in a great loss, and that can feel inevitable. However, it's not. You still have some life to live. You can't know right now what that will bring, but good things will come. Who knows the number of people who might need your help in the future? Perhaps you could help other victims of your loss, perhaps your grief will lead you to a deeper understanding of such a loss, and that you can lead others out of the darkness?

They say things happen for a reason, but I don't think that's necessarily true. Random events happen, worlds change, and we can personally suffer as a result. It feels cruel, hopeless, and you want to withdraw from it to avoid the pain. But at the other side of the stormy waters is a coastline, a settled sea - you just have to cut through the waves and suffer doubt, longing, suffering to get there. It's just what humans do.

Are you a church goer? If so, speak to your pastor. Lean on the congregation. If not, friends, family, professionals.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I also ask that you continue to post here. We're here for you. I know it's all so impersonal and remote, but everyone here - from across the globe - care what happens to you, and feel some of your anguish. We want you here, and wish we could be of more help.

Stay safe.
 
You are gathering pain and discofort because life does not make sense to you at this time. Another time will come when your loss will be less painful and slowly the pain will be even less. I am sorry for your loss.
 
Saw an interesting statement...
"Pain is inevitable...
suffering is optional."
 

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