Why isn't life fair, and how does one cope with that?

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
The insightful Helen Keller once said “There is no such thing as security in life, it does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all”.
Even so, we often live with some innate sense that life should be fair. Even the story of Job in the Old Testament shows that eventually he played the "Why me?" card. We've all been someone or known someone who was blindsided by the devastating blow of life’s wrecking ball, and perhaps even in a split second, their life was forever changed (Christopher Reeve, Lou Gherig, John and Bobby Kennedy, M. L. King). After all, why should so many who least deserve it seem to lay golden eggs, and so many who try to play by the rules, end up buried by the avalanche of snow cascading off the roof that is supposed to protect them.

It seems that our brain is always trying to make sense of what happens in life, and if we don't know the reasons, then many feel that someone or something must have a plan. No one likes feeling vulnerable. So how does one survive in this unpredictable and seemingly uncaring universe. How can one have any secure level of existence where anxiety isn’t always knocking at the door of your mind to remind you of possible things that could go wrong with your perfect plan?
 

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Life doesn’t always give us what we want.
Understanding that ‘fully’ helps.
Accept life in all its imperfection
Focus and enjoy the things you have control of and that make you happy and let the rest go. If it’s not serving you well, then it’s not needed. Be grateful. Things can always be worse.
 

I try to control most things in my life (aka control freak) but it seems I'm always waiting for "the other shoe to drop". It's kind of stressful, always waiting for impending doom to descend on my orderly life. I wish I were like some people that just "roll with it" but it's hard to have a positive outlook when life is constantly throwing curve balls. I've learned to be grateful for each uneventful day though, and to always have a plan B!
 
bobcat48 said:
The insightful Helen Keller one said “There is no such thing as security in life, it does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all”.
Even so, we often live with some innate sense that life should be fair. Even the story of Job in the Old Testament shows that eventually he played the "Why me?" card. We've all been someone or known someone who was blindsided by the devastating blow of life’s wrecking ball, and perhaps even in a split second, their life was forever changed (Christopher Reeve, Lou Gherig, John and Bobby Kennedy, M. L. King). After all, why should so many who least deserve it seem to lay golden eggs, and so many who try to play by the rules, end up buried by the avalanche of snow cascading off the roof that is supposed to protect them.

It seems that our brain is always trying to make sense of what happens in life, and if we don't know the reasons, then many feel that someone or something must have a plan. No one likes feeling vulnerable. So how does one survive in this unpredictable and seemingly uncaring universe. How can one have any secure level of existence where anxiety isn’t always knocking at the door of your mind to remind you of possible things that could go wrong with your perfect plan?
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Just recently, I was about to relax and thought all my troubles were settled now, when another blow-unexpected and cannot be prevented or predicted, happened!!! It's how you handle it and deal with it and the words you say. I stayed calm, deflated!, and was in a "fog" for awhile. But, it is true, it lasted for a day and a half and then got everything back in control. Do what you can, when you can, this too shall pass.
 
Beezer said:
I think believing in Karma is the way to go. (That the good you do today will come back to you tomorrow.)

It sets the table for the way you go about your daily business.
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I'm not particularly concerned about the good I might do.. and being rewarded for it..it's not why I do it..... I prefer to think of , and hope, that those who have done bad to me .. are visited by the Karma Angel..
 
When circumstances are not going according to our expectations, we say life is unfair.
When it is going favourably we think it is fair.

In reality, life is neither fair nor unfair. Life is like a river… it flows.
If one doesn’t like the direction in which the river is going, build a dam. Change direction, no use whingeing about it!

There is no master plan anywhere telling us how it should be.
It is up to us to remove the obstacles and not blame anything or anyone. We are the captains of our own ships.That is why we have a brain.
 
Remy said:
I was raised by someone who's trauma ran, controlled and abused the household and everyone in it. I have literally come to the conclusion that I don't deserve anything good. I don't believe in karma one damn bit. I've seen too many people get by with too much.
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you know Remy.. that you and I both had terrible pasts.. horrible childhoods etc.. and later bad things happen because of bad people, and I used to think like you , that there's no such thing as Karma... but... in the last while,I realised that those who have caused me the most grief, and upset.. have had things happen to them that only a higher power could have created.. ..for example, long drawn out painful illnesses,,,or deaths.. or other issues in their lives ..not something I've wished on them, but it's happened anyway.., and by seeing that now, and having lived my life never seeking revenge on those who have caused my suffering.. I feel like my mother used to say to me.. ''never seek revenge, God can see, and he will seek revenge for you ''...that seems to be the truth

It took me a long time to realise this was happening..probably because it took so long to occur, so I thought they'd got away with all they'd done to me... but I'm starting to believe I was wrong.. and some people are getting their Karma...

...so Remy.. chin up, back straight.. you're a good decent person, and I believe someone more powerful than us has your back... 🤗
 
One of my dearest cyber friends i''ve known for over 15 yrs and met on the same site where i met @OneEyedDiva, Eons. Extremely intelligent but also compassionate man. Despite our external differences we first bonded over shared values instilled by fathers who emphasized learning and thinking rationally.

He had a saying i adopted because it was how i've lived my life: 'Just because life isn't fair, doesn't mean we can't be fair to each other.' If more people took that to heart, life in general might become more fair. However, i learned early, thanks to my Dad that my thoughts, words and deeds are what i can control-- not anyone else's. Seemingly, i've influenced my children to take similar attitudes while striving to be fair to others.

The way i dealt with the fact that my life could and has been repeatedly changed in a moment by the unfair/unkind/assaultive words/deeds of others
is by not letting that change my values or behaviors. I choose to pay more attention to, to be grateful to those (especially when complete strangers) who have been fair/kind/helpful to me and to pay it forward every chance i get.

But let me be clear, while i prefer peaceful resolutions to difficulties i know for a fact i am capable of being forceful, violent even (tho i could count on my thumbs the times that was was necessary, that firm words weren't enough to back a bully down) in defense of myself or someone else who is particularly vulnerable (children, animals).

Oh, and as for making sense if it all---i don't try to do that anymore. I enjoy noticing the many patterns, some that hold from macrocosm to microcosm ('as above, so below') but i also know that our brains often impose interpretations, assign meanings to those patterns that may not be 'true'.

Understanding the dynamics of how light makes a rainbow or the celestial mechanics of the night sky is not necessary to enjoy the beauty (awe, wonder) of either. It is interesting to know those things, but not required for them to give us a pleasure in just witnessing/experiencing them. Ironically, i've often found such things easier to understand than the behavior of human beings. Often i grasp the psycho/social explanation s intellectually while finding them incomprehensible emotionally.
 
helenbacque said:
There is a theory that each life is a lesson and as each is learned our soul moves on to another existence. Don’t learn the lesson and we must come back. True or not? Who knows but it comforts me to believe and I hope I was successful and can move on. I look forward to the next adventure.
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see. I was told this when I was a child...but I don't believe this at all... How does child who is beaten or nearly beaten to death, or cruelly treated all their little childhoods.. by being starved.. and tortured ..learn lessons from a previous life... I don't subscribe to this at all..
 
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hollydolly said:
you know Remy.. that you and I both had terrible pasts.. horrible childhoods etc.. and later bad things happen because of bad people, and I used to think like you , that there's no such thing as Karma... but... in the last while,I realised that those who have caused me the most grief, and upset.. have had things happen to them that only a higher power could have created.. ..for example, long drawn out painful illnesses,,,or deaths.. or other issues in their lives ..not something I've wished on them, but it's happened anyway.., and by seeing that now, and having lived my life never seeking revenge on those who have caused my suffering.. I feel like my mother used to say to me.. ''never seek revenge, God can see, and he will seek revenge for you ''...that seems to be the truth

It took me a long time to realise this was happening..probably because it took so long to occur, so I thought they'd got away with all they'd done to me... but I'm starting to believe I was wrong.. and some people are getting their Karma...

...so Remy.. chin up, back straight.. you're a good decent person, and I believe someone more powerful than us has your back... 🤗
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Thank you Holly, but I just don't have faith anymore. My mother was taken care of to the end. But she was hitting hospital staff. She never changed. She had a husband who took all her abuse with a good job and retirement, that afforded her what she needed. Nothing lavish, but no finanacial struggles. I just don't know anymore.
 
bobcat48 said:
Why isn't life fair
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Fair or fairness is a human concept, not one found in nature. The only fairness we have is what we and our civilization invents and supports. I don't think we have done a bad job of that, but its far from perfect. Better than it could be, for most of us anyway.
bobcat48 said:
how does one cope with that?
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Accept reality and live with it. Maybe more importantly try to make our world a fairer place. No one can do that but us.
 
I love nature, and I figure that it has learned many lessons about survival, and I could benefit from those lessons, if I just pay attention.
The trees develop a thick bark to protect themselves from outside elements. They sink their roots deep so they stay well grounded (Those that don't, topple). When the storms of life come, they bend and flex to avoid breaking. They keep their branches open to the sun and sky for nourishment, and they also provide shade and shelter for those that need it. I try to remember those things in my life when I have time to reflect.

I also think there is a renewing energy in nature, and that's why so many go there hiking, biking. camping, kayaking, etc... It restores the depleted energy in the soul. There is even a name given to the lack of it called "Nature Deficit Disorder". Before we learned to build homes, nature was home to us, and perhaps there is something imprinted in our DNA that knows we need that from time to time, to just soak up the energy and feel restored. It works for me anyway.
 
I think the human mind, whether that is consciously or subconsciously, is always in search of patterns. Some might see patterns that aren’t there, based in part on assumptions, and an accumulation of long established assumptions. Some might see patterns that truly exist, and can immediately see them. Some might never see the true patterns right in front of their faces. The majority are somewhere in between.

We can shape our own destiny, in part. However, some obstacles can’t be removed. For example, discuss those unmovable obstacles with someone with a serious personality disorder, or someone from the ghettos of say, Poland. Tell them that they can turn things around, and their future fate could become bright.

Saying that ‘life is not fair’ could be someone in search of a pattern. It could also be someone who resigns themes selves to their true reality. And perhaps a reality that can’t be changed by themselves alone. Emotional complexities that arise from facing difficult situations could also ‘make’ us say, life is not fair. Some people’s lives are far fairer than others, it seems. Some people are not always able to empower themselves, due to circumstances out of their control. Something that they might not ever be able to control. There should be empathy for others when thinking about these things.

There is no divine “plan”. In my mind at least, for me to think there is some kind of plan would mean I looking for a pattern that isn’t there. I don’t see any tangible evidence of a plan. A personal plan will come up against obstacles. Some we can get around or get over the top of. Some we can blast through. Some we can’t get through even with considerable help from others. I would say that life is neither fair nor unfair. Life is what it is. As individuals, we have to try to make the best of it. And personally 'grow' with it
 
With every thought, word and action, man produces waves of influence in the atmosphere.
Every moment of life produces an influences which rebounds back to you , even through thousands of years.
If a man is suffering now, it is from a result of his own action that he at one time spread suffering to others.
This was all explained and agreed prior to the birth on the earth, but we often don't remember.
Yet, the soul requests to be born again on the earth. Begs to born into suffering ,illness, deformities, pain. Why?
Each lifetime brings the possibility to bring one closer to the eternal bliss of God.
If one has experienced the glory of God even for a second, nothing else matters except to feel this again.
 
bobcat48 said:
I love nature, and I figure that it has learned many lessons about survival, and I could benefit from those lessons, if I just pay attention.
The trees develop a thick bark to protect themselves from outside elements. They sink their roots deep so they stay well grounded (Those that don't, topple). When the storms of life come, they bend and flex to avoid breaking. They keep their branches open to the sun and sky for nourishment, and they also provide shade and shelter for those that need it. I try to remember those things in my life when I have time to reflect.
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I feel that describes me... ever more thicker metaphorical skin with each lightening strike.. .... when the storms comes I ride them... and have never gone under, ..altho' how that has happened, I don't know.. just thankful it hasn't... especially when I see people destroyed by the slightest breeze..

There's one drawback to this.. in real life I'm constantly referred to as 'strong''... ''you can take it''...you're strong....

People tend not to see the wood for the trees sometimes....
 

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