Wife treats 44 year old nephew like hes only 18

If you're going to attack this, it's through his drug addiction. Family is family. But abuse, in supporting his addiction, is not part of the deal.
 

Brookswood said:
IMO, You should find the local Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings and start attending.

Find a Meeting — Nar-Anon Family Groups

You are not alone. Lots of people have gone through the mess of having an addict in the family.
Your wife should attend also, but my guess is she won‘t as she sounds like an enabler and what is called a co-dependent. Got to Nar-anon or Al-anon, and you will find help from others who suffer as you do. They meetings are free (OK, they ask for small donation, well worth it). If you don't care for a particular meeting group, find another

You are not alone. Save yourself. Then you have a better chance of helping your wife and your nephew. But, don’t let them make you CRAZY. In fact look up Crazy Maker on the internet. Your nephew and wife sound like they might be Crazy Makers.
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A friend suggested going to al anon meeting years ago due to my wife's drinking. He thought maybe I might meet a nice lady in a similar situation.
 
C50 said:
There's always two sides to every story and I have to wonder how your wife's story would go.

Regardless, two people making each other miserable is no way to live and it's very unlikely to suddenly change for the better.
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Well I think its because she has tolerated me this long and is too cheap to give up half.
 

ATOMANT said:
A friend suggested going to al anon meeting years ago due to my wife's drinking. He thought maybe I might meet a nice lady in a similar situation.
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Holy hell, been there - AM THERE - brother. But no, I don't want to meet someone at al-anon. In fact, their religious focus means it's not a place I'd even consider.
 
ATOMANT said:
A friend suggested going to al anon meeting years ago due to my wife's drinking. He thought maybe I might meet a nice lady in a similar situation.
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I would not recommend going to the meetings to meet ladies or gentlemen. You go there to learn how to take control of your own life, be responsible for what you can do, and not take responsibility for what you can’t do.

For example, you can be civil to your wife and nephew. You can be honest with them about thoughts on their lives and your reaction to it. You can’t be responsible for the choices they make. Control of others is an illusion. The only people who do it use big guys with guns, block walls, bars and locks. And even then they only succeed partially.
 
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oldaunt said:
And have you been complaining the whole 30 years?
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I guess it all started shortly after we got married so ya. We were camping and I was starving. My wife was cooking diner and brought the fries out to the table. I started to nibble on them and she harshly scolded me for doing so. I was shocked and hurt she made such a huge deal over nothing. I was very upset. To the point I felt I made a huge mistake we got married.
I remember she said "am I that bad"
 
ATOMANT said:
I guess it all started shortly after we got married so ya. We were camping and I was starving. My wife was cooking diner and brought the fries out to the table. I started to nibble on them and she harshly scolded me for doing so. I was shocked and hurt she made such a huge deal over nothing. I was very upset. To the point I felt I made a huge mistake we got married.
I remember she said "am I that bad"
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I enjoy good desserts. At one party a very good homemade chocolate cake was served. I wanted seconds, but waited until everybody had chosen something from the dessert table until going back for a second slice. My wife stopped me telling me I was being ‘selfish’ so I did not cut myself a 2nd slice of cake. A few hours later the party ended and another guest looking at the big chunk of cake left over, asked the hostess if she could take it home. OF course she could!
 
As they say, "old habits die hard". You may have gotten comfortable, for the lack of a better word, with your situation, having been in it for a long time and leaving a marriage is not easy. But you are being disrespected in your own home and things are being taken from you to give to others who also have no respect for you. It's time you start the process of leaving this marriage because it is toxic.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
As they say, "old habits die hard". You may have gotten comfortable, for the lack of a better word, with your situation, having been in it for a long time and leaving a marriage is not easy. But you are being disrespected in your own home and things are being taken from you to give to others who also have no respect for you. It's time you start the process of leaving this marriage because it is toxic.
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Well the fact she gifting them money and telling them not to tell me makes the situation very bad for me. She bought there affection and has poisoned them all against me. I have done nothing wrong to any of them but obviously the storys my wife tell must make me seem like i am the monster when its really the opposite.
 
I have a similar situation. My 49 year old daughter still takes care of her 29 year old son as if he were still 15. Drugs is not the problem. He has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, assburgers syndrome and a few other things. He manages symptoms with meds but prefers to stay up all night on the internet and sleep all day. He doesn't drive and makes no effort to work or socialize with people.
 
sailormann said:
I have a similar situation. My 49 year old daughter still takes care of her 29 year old son as if he were still 15. Drugs is not the problem. He has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, assburgers syndrome and a few other things. He manages symptoms with meds but prefers to stay up all night on the internet and sleep all day. He doesn't drive and makes no effort to work or socialize with people.
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He always says people are out to get him. He is an intelligent man and has incredible potential. As I see it, he has always been pampered and has never had to do for himself. Who wouldn't want to be coddled and free to pursue endless selfish pursuits? I told him a few months ago that he needed to'grow a set.' He didn't like that too much. He has all the confidence that most 15 year olds have when confronted with things they don't want to accept responsibility for. He is a good guy but will never be able to stand on his own if someone doesn't force him to.
 
sailormann said:
He always says people are out to get him. He is an intelligent man and has incredible potential. As I see it, he has always been pampered and has never had to do for himself. Who wouldn't want to be coddled and free to pursue endless selfish pursuits? I told him a few months ago that he needed to'grow a set.' He didn't like that too much. He has all the confidence that most 15 year olds have when confronted with things they don't want to accept responsibility for. He is a good guy but will never be able to stand on his own if someone doesn't force him to.
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Her nephew is getting his provincial drivers license now because over a year ago his doctor told him he needed to becuase she was tured of billing his health care plan. I suspect he owes a small fotune in fines and speeding tickets. I cant think of any other reason he refuses to do what he was legally obligated to do several years ago.
My wife claims to not know what he owes but also did not deny that he owes money. When i ask her who was going to pay she quipped his mother would send money. Why the heck is he not paying because its his tickets and wrecklessness that caused the problem.
Any time that man gets a little money ahead he treats himself to a vacation or a big screen tv. Hes to lazy to even collect his empty bottles and cans to get his deposit back. Total bs. His parents created a monster.
 
sailormann said:
He always says people are out to get him. He is an intelligent man and has incredible potential. As I see it, he has always been pampered and has never had to do for himself. Who wouldn't want to be coddled and free to pursue endless selfish pursuits? I told him a few months ago that he needed to'grow a set.' He didn't like that too much. He has all the confidence that most 15 year olds have when confronted with things they don't want to accept responsibility for. He is a good guy but will never be able to stand on his own if someone doesn't force him to.
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Not for nothing but it may be hard for him to get work with his diagnosis and perhaps he's well aware of that. These days, prospective employers almost want to know when you go to the bathroom; they just want so much information. Unless there's a special program that finds employment for the mentally ill, "growing a pair" may not help him one bit. And it sounds like he's also paranoid. That makes things even worse. Do you know what a catastrophe that could cause in the workplace? Especially a high stress position.

I know a couple of schizophrenics. My stepson worked in my husband's store for a while, then he'd go off on crazy tangents and I'm sure it scared the customers away. I also have a friend who is schizophrenic. She's clever enough to make people think she's fine, but ultimately, she stops taking her meds and that she's severely mentally ill becomes quite clear to everyone in her path. Mental illness is so misunderstood and we can't expect those who have been diagnosed with something as serious as schizophrenia to think and act like those of us who are not mentally ill.
 
Going to give an update. God has heard my prayers and the kid is moving back with his parents..
Yehaw.
Apperantly he's saying he can't work due to pain. I am positive he's addicted to pain medicine. He's in the wrong trade for a man with health issues.
He pissed me off when he apply for a job with a big company and he forgot to attach his resume. I am sure his resume went to the bottom of the pile. He never even got a call.
I don't wish harm for the kid but he needs a life coach or someone to steer him. He's a likeable guy but he's on a pity party right now. A lot of us had to reinvent ourselves as we got older. It sucked but you can curl up and die or man up and put up your duke's and fight on.
 
Wren said:
You deserve better, if it’s your house, can you sell it, give whatever you feel comfortable with to your wife and let her go live with her nephew ?
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Not sure about where OP lives - but here in Australia, if they have been together 30 years, it is both of theirs house and proceeds of sale would be split between them
He doesnt decide how much he is comfortable giving her.

However, now that nephew is no longer there - unless their relationship has magic ally transformed (unlikely) I still think it best to go their separate ways- separate your finances and live separately.

No good complaining of how the wife did so many things wrong, going right back to when you were camping 30 years ago.

If you are so negative about each other and don't want to be together - time to move on.
 
After being married a long time, most of us are in it "for better or worse". I was married 21 years and came home (6/26/86) to an empty house. She had a boyfriend, and I was devastated and totally caught by surprise. I thought my world was over..... But NO, it wasn't! It took me awhile to find Ms. Right, and now we are married for 23 years.

My point is this, get out NOW. Your time with the nephew only brought out the problems with you and your wife. It isn't too late to find happiness. And believe me, you don't want to spend the rest of your life being unhappy.
 
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