Wills, estranged adopted child...

Jules said:
Wow. You really need to know who holds your legal will, the last one signed. If that person became senile or angry or whatever, this could be a problem. Or if your family doesn’t know who has it, another mess.
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Well as luck would have it, my son is involved with judgement enforcement(as a non-attorney) while he's finishing law school, and my wife's daughter is a paralegal. We'll make sure everyone gets a copy of the will, or will have access to one.
 

Update: Visited a attorney today, he is setting up our joint living trust & wills. $1950, includes all documents necessary to allow our beneficiaries to pay off our bills and handle the necessary affairs. As for the estranged daughter, I thought about it long and hard, and decided not to make her a beneficiary. The attorney will make note of that, and there will be no problem with that.

Next on the TO DO list: burial arrangements!!! I had talked to Neptune Society, they want $6000 for the both of us. We are going to check with a local mortuary where a friend of ours had her husband cremated, and made advanced arrangements for herself, for about $1000 each.
 
Nathan said:
Neptune Society, they want $6000 for the both of us. We are going to check with a local mortuary where a friend of ours had her husband cremated, and made advanced arrangements for herself, for about $1000 each.
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I have arranged for a couple of cremations. Shop around, prices vary widely. I ended up in the $1,000 range both times and the ashes were fine.
 

Nathan said:
[Apologies in advance for the lengthy post]
When I got married to my ex(1978) I adopted her 2-1/2 yr. old daughter, and raised her as my own.
When my ex and I divorced, had a very bitter parting, she did her best to turn my kids(that we had together) against me,
as well as the adopted daughter.
My daughter and son stayed connected with me, the adopted daughter apparently made a statement to her mother
that she wanted nothing to do with me. O.K., blood's thicker than water as they say, so that's that.
Over the ensuing years the adopted daughter and I had occasion to meet(family events).
She was civil, we would talk a bit but not about 'ancient history'; upon her departure in each case there was no provisions for further contact.
She and I are "friends" on Facebook, have exchanged a couple "happy birthday" messages, but the distance is still there.

When I get my Will prepared I'm thinking that she(estranged adopted daughter) really should not be included as heir to any property or monies.
I do not feel it would be fair either to my daughter & son, nor to my present wife's kids(my step-children).

I invite you thoughts & comments on this matter.
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Things can get really complicated when there are features like exes, estrangement, etc.

If you want my opinion, though, since you did adopt and raise her, and there is still some contact, I think you should leave her something. Otherwise, the message would be that the years you put into raising her didn't count for anything.
 
Terribly difficult topic for me..my parents adopted M before I was born as my mother had been told she could not have children..well as often happens, she did get pregnant..my mother almost bled to death giving birth to me..1947..not as advanced as today…anyway my parents used to tell her she was chosen…when I acted up I was told I almost killed my mom…to this day I resent my parents..the money they split I have no problem with,but,the fact that M kept lockets pictures of my ancestors to give her children I do not believe is right..these are my children’s ancestors…I never look for sympathy as I am a firm believer I chose this path..it has made me stronger …
 
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Nathan said:
Update: Visited a attorney today, he is setting up our joint living trust & wills. $1950, includes all documents necessary to allow our beneficiaries to pay off our bills and handle the necessary affairs. As for the estranged daughter, I thought about it long and hard, and decided not to make her a beneficiary. The attorney will make note of that, and there will be no problem with that.

Next on the TO DO list: burial arrangements!!! I had talked to Neptune Society, they want $6000 for the both of us. We are going to check with a local mortuary where a friend of ours had her husband cremated, and made advanced arrangements for herself, for about $1000 each.
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Well, it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself...and if you're good w/it, that's all that matters.

I just made some changes to my trust, which includes my nephew in a diff role, and he requested that I send him copies. Which I will do. And my niece as well. She's been placed in a diff role too.

Re: Neptune, I thought it would be more expensive. $7,000 for one, it what I was told by a relative.

ETA: if I remember correctly...the estate attorney normally notifies the benefactors of a will by mail to let them
know of their loved ones passing and their inheritance.
 
Pecos said:
My youngest brother Jim who passed a couple of months ago was completely estranged from his biological two sons for over 35 years. Jim instructed his lawyer to write a will leaving his estate to the three people who he loved and that he knew loved him. That included our middle brother Hal, Jim's step-son Mike, and myself. Along with a copy of the will, I got a note telling me that Jim wanted my brother Hal and I to enjoy our retirements and to use his assets to that end.

Combining that thought with the realization that I will never see him again leads me to a complex mix of humbling emotions.

The process of "discovery" is ongoing, and while he was not wealthy, it is not a trivial amount either. I will do what he asked of me and always remember his graciousness.
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I think what your brother did was a wonderful thing and I can't think of anyone more deserving. From what you said about how dedicated his stepson was to him, he's much deserving too, as am I'm sure is your brother Hal.
 
Nathan said:
Update: Visited a attorney today, he is setting up our joint living trust & wills. $1950, includes all documents necessary to allow our beneficiaries to pay off our bills and handle the necessary affairs. As for the estranged daughter, I thought about it long and hard, and decided not to make her a beneficiary. The attorney will make note of that, and there will be no problem with that.

Next on the TO DO list: burial arrangements!!! I had talked to Neptune Society, they want $6000 for the both of us. We are going to check with a local mortuary where a friend of ours had her husband cremated, and made advanced arrangements for herself, for about $1000 each.
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Seems like a good price for the burial for the two of you. Just curious...did that include the opening and closing fees? When I bought my plot, I had to pay separate for that. The total for the plot and fees came to $3,495. That was in 2016. I got the plot then because a friend of mine told me how burial prices were escalating.
 
While it is difficult to really know, I feel a little sad for your adopted daughter. When you and your ex split, the daughter must have felt very conflicted. When I made my Will, I thought about leaving one person out altogether but, then decided that I did not want my last act to be a negative one.

Personally, if it were me, I would reach out to her and try to heal the past, I would also treat her the same as your other children. No offence but, on what you have posted, it seems the adopted daughter has been caught in the cross-fire between you and your ex which, really doesn't seem fair.
 
Snow74 said:
Terribly difficult topic for me..my parents adopted M before I was born as my mother had been told she could not have children..well as often happens, she did get pregnant..my mother almost bled to death giving birth to me..1947..not as advanced as today…anyway my parents used to tell her she was chosen…when I acted up I was told I almost killed my mom…to this day I resent my parents..the money they split I have no problem with,but,the fact that M kept lockets pictures of my ancestors to give her children I do not believe is right..these are my children’s ancestors…I never look for sympathy as I am a firm believer I chose this path..it has made me stronger …
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@Snow74 Sad to read that. What a mess we sometimes leave behind.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Seems like a good price for the burial for the two of you. Just curious...did that include the opening and closing fees? When I bought my plot, I had to pay separate for that. The total for the plot and fees came to $3,495. That was in 2016. I got the plot then because a friend of mine told me how burial prices were escalating.
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I believe so, it was a complete package, Neptune/Trident Society would come & get your remains anywhere, cremate them, hand them over to either relatives or cemetery of your choice.
 
JaniceM said:
If you want my opinion, though, since you did adopt and raise her, and there is still some contact, I think you should leave her something. Otherwise, the message would be that the years you put into raising her didn't count for anything.
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Trish said:
While it is difficult to really know, I feel a little sad for your adopted daughter. When you and your ex split, the daughter must have felt very conflicted. When I made my Will, I thought about leaving one person out altogether but, then decided that I did not want my last act to be a negative one.
Personally, if it were me, I would reach out to her and try to heal the past, I would also treat her the same as your other children. No offence but, on what you have posted, it seems the adopted daughter has been caught in the cross-fire between you and your ex which, really doesn't seem fair.
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About the estranged adopted daughter:

Her mother(my ex) used the children as a weapon, with malice and forethought she actively sought to drive a wedge between me and the kids. Not to mention that she took her defamation efforts to my side of the family, constructed a web of lies....which I believe someday will come back to haunt her. My ex did her best to poison the minds of everyone, including our co-workers. It took 10 years for my daughter and son to understand what she did. Afterward we were able to build a decent parent -grown child relationship. For years I tried to rekindle a relationship with my adopted daughter, she would be somewhat responsive at first, then quickly shutdown and pull back. I'll be honest, I just got tired of 'chasing' her, like some kind of fool. She's had 30 years to respond, but has not.

If I left her a pile of money does anyone think she's going to all-of-a-sudden "love" me? Is including her in the division of my estate fair to my two biological kids? Not to mention my wife's son and daughter, who have stood by me of the last 20 years.

I've been in this hell-on-earth dilemma for 30 years, it's someone else's turn to make this change.
 
Could her shutting down and pulling back be a sign that she was finally starting to question the lies? On the other hand, I do think your other two children who are on your side all those years deserve a lot more than her.
 
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RFW said:
Could her shutting down and pulling back be a sign that she was finally starting to question the lies? On the other hand, I do think your other two children who are on your side on those years deserve a lot more than her.
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..the way I see it is that she is not ready to abandon her long standing beliefs. Loyalty to her biological parent(her mother).

Edit: for some perspective: my bio daughter did stay somewhat in touch with me, but for years had treated me like sh!t. At some point, she realized what a pack of lies her mother had fed her. She acknowledged that to me, and profusely apologized for the ill treatment. I was overcome with emotion, I had been 'punished' for so long I worried that my daughter would revert back...but she didn't. She calls me several times a week, I love having a relationship with my sweet daughter.
 
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Nathan said:
About the estranged adopted daughter:

Her mother(my ex) used the children as a weapon, with malice and forethought she actively sought to drive a wedge between me and the kids. Not to mention that she took her defamation efforts to my side of the family, constructed a web of lies....which I believe someday will come back to haunt her. My ex did her best to poison the minds of everyone, including our co-workers. It took 10 years for my daughter and son to understand what she did. Afterward we were able to build a decent parent -grown child relationship. For years I tried to rekindle a relationship with my adopted daughter, she would be somewhat responsive at first, then quickly shutdown and pull back. I'll be honest, I just got tired of 'chasing' her, like some kind of fool. She's had 30 years to respond, but has not.

If I left her a pile of money does anyone think she's going to all-of-a-sudden "love" me? Is including her in the division of my estate fair to my two biological kids? Not to mention my wife's son and daughter, who have stood by me of the last 20 years.

I've been in this hell-on-earth dilemma for 30 years, it's someone else's turn to make this change.
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No worries Nathan, you obviously know the history better than us but, to be fair, you did invite thoughts and comments on your first post. I gave mine and there was no intention to offend.
 
Nathan said:
About the estranged adopted daughter:

Her mother(my ex) used the children as a weapon, with malice and forethought she actively sought to drive a wedge between me and the kids. Not to mention that she took her defamation efforts to my side of the family, constructed a web of lies....which I believe someday will come back to haunt her. My ex did her best to poison the minds of everyone, including our co-workers. It took 10 years for my daughter and son to understand what she did. Afterward we were able to build a decent parent -grown child relationship. For years I tried to rekindle a relationship with my adopted daughter, she would be somewhat responsive at first, then quickly shutdown and pull back. I'll be honest, I just got tired of 'chasing' her, like some kind of fool. She's had 30 years to respond, but has not.

If I left her a pile of money does anyone think she's going to all-of-a-sudden "love" me? Is including her in the division of my estate fair to my two biological kids? Not to mention my wife's son and daughter, who have stood by me of the last 20 years.

I've been in this hell-on-earth dilemma for 30 years, it's someone else's turn to make this change.
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There's much psychobabble nonsense, but PA/PAS is not an example, it's very much for real.
I don't know you, or the other individuals, but this does seem to be a possibility.
If so, it's hard to not blame the child who's no longer a child for her behavior.

I didn't mean you should divide everything equally, just a little something to show you care about her.
 
Back in the day when i was a young adult, i did think that if parents gave
/left their children anything, equal division came to my mind. The estranged adopted child did not come into the picture, though prodigal did, who was cherished by the old folk.

Although my parents did leave us something, which helped us where we are today, i dont think it should be demanded or were they entitled to give us anything. What they worked hard for should be enjoyed by the old folk. Ofcouse, estranged children who have no respect or are hardcore, should be left out of anyone's will. (depending on the circumstances). They should not even be allowed to contest it. On the other hand if there are several marriages with newer children in the picture, then, of couse, that is a different matter.
 
JaniceM said:
PA/PAS
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That means....?

JaniceM said:
I didn't mean you should divide everything equally, just a little something to show you care about her.
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I have thought about that, my bio daughter recently mentioned that her step-sister(my estranged adopted) is planning to come visit her in St. Thomas, VI.
I could give some money for travel expenses and entertainment.
 

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