Women That I feel Sorry For

[Lon]

Widows And Divorcees in poor financial condition because of inconsiderate spouses.
I have met a number of women where I live between the ages of 55 to 75 that share their apartment with another female in similar financial straights. The typical story seems to be that they worked during their marriage, raised a family etc. and then hubby up and died or decided he didn't want to be married any more. Not Fair----Particularly when the ex spouse had the financial income and resources to see that they would not be left in financial straights.
I am divorced and the only thing I pay for my ex is her Medicare Supplement. We had a most amicable divorce that cost $1,200 and she is in fine shape as am I.

 

[Robusta]

I don't know Lon, maybe it is a generational thing. I see no reason why one healthy adult should be beholding to another for any support.
I know that the Missus and I are odd balls, we are very much a blue collar family, my wife's family are immigrants,mine farmers and laborers for generations.

There was no talk about either of us staying home to raise the kids,there was a job to be done and we got down to it.

Both of our checks went into one account. There is no mine, there is no hers. Marriage is like a ship,if it goes down you both are on it.

 

[Lon]

I don't know Lon, maybe it is a generational thing. I see no reason why one healthy adult should be beholding to another for any support.
I know that the Missus and I are odd balls, we are very much a blue collar family, my wife's family are immigrants,mine farmers and laborers for generations.

There was no talk about either of us staying home to raise the kids,there was a job to be done and we got down to it.

Both of our checks went into one account. There is no mine, there is no hers. Marriage is like a ship,if it goes down you both are on it.

With all due respect Robusta, I don't think you understood my post. How do you feel about a husband and wife each working and contributing to the marriage and when one leaves the marriage by divorce the male winds up with most or all they accumulated. Or --a woman becomes widowed and is left with little or no resources and subsequently becomes disabled.

 

[Lolly]

Unless a woman has a salary comparable or more than her ex-husband, a woman is almost certainly going to come out on the short end of the stick in divorce. Lot's of reasons for this.. Perhaps she never worked outside the home.. Perhaps she is left with a huge house and mortgage, unpaid bills..etc.. Perhaps she is sole custodian of the children and must shoulder the cost of childcare so she can go out to work. Society and biology are responsible for this.

 

[helenbacque]

I think the key to preventing situations like those that trouble Lon are a good attorney in the case of a divorce, good insurance for both spouses during a marriage and then, after an event, wise use of one's resources.

I have an old and very dear friend whose husband passed away at an early age. He was adequately insured and had excellent company benefits but she was virtually penniless less than 10 years after his death. Instead of paying off her mortgage and investing the money, she frittered it away on lavish trips, house re-models, expensive clothes and new SUVs for herself, her young male friend and several family members. Now she plays the poor, penniless widow and looks for pity about her situation from strangers because old friends won't listen any more.

I would urge Lon to give a sympathetic ear to his friends but don't pass judgement on 'inconsiderate' spouses. You're only hearing one side of the story and that telling is probably incomplete. Some older women like to play Poor Pitiful Pearl when they have someone kind who will listen to them. Incidentally, two older, single women living together does not always indicate financial difficulty. Many do it for the safety and comfort of having another person in the house. Older men are more likely to have female roommates for fear their masculinity might be questioned if they lived with a buddy. Personally, I will listen to - and sympathize with - a sad 'he/she done me wrong' story only once or twice but after that, I change the subject or move on.

Sorry to pass judgment on my own gender but it is what it is! And kudos to Lon for being a stand-up guy in his own situation.

 

[Lon]

I think the key to preventing situations like those that trouble Lon are a good attorney in the case of a divorce, good insurance for both spouses during a marriage and then, after an event, wise use of one's resources.

I have an old and very dear friend whose husband passed away at an early age. He was adequately insured and had excellent company benefits but she was virtually penniless less than 10 years after his death. Instead of paying off her mortgage and investing the money, she frittered it away on lavish trips, house re-models, expensive clothes and new SUVs for herself, her young male friend and several family members. Now she plays the poor, penniless widow and looks for pity about her situation from strangers because old friends won't listen any more.

I would urge Lon to give a sympathetic ear to his friends but don't pass judgement on 'inconsiderate' spouses. You're only hearing one side of the story and that telling is probably incomplete. Some older women like to play Poor Pitiful Pearl when they have someone kind who will listen to them. Incidentally, two older, single women living together does not always indicate financial difficulty. Many do it for the safety and comfort of having another person in the house. Older men are more likely to have female roommates for fear their masculinity might be questioned if they lived with a buddy. Personally, I will listen to - and sympathize with - a sad 'he/she done me wrong' story only once or twice but after that, I change the subject or move on.

Sorry to pass judgment on my own gender but it is what it is! And kudos to Lon for being a stand-up guy in his own situation.

Here is a situation with which I am familiar --- A 57 year old divorced female living with a 68 year old widow because of financial need. The divorced females husband sold the home & car, sold all their stock, liquidated their bank accounts and moved out of state to live with their daughter and sil. She has an attorney that is working on seeing that she gets her share of community property and entitlement to a share of his excellent pension. This process started over a year ago and is difficult to finalize because the husband is out of state and makes him self unavailable.

 

[Lolly]

I suppose the savvy woman would make sure her name was on the title of the house and the car and any other property. To prevent one spouse from absconding with the bank account, one could insist it be held in the following terms.. Mr. John Smith AND Mrs. Mary Smith.. Not Mr.John Smith OR Mrs Mary Smith. These things would have prevented the above problems. A wise woman also has a little "fund" for emergencies... It's not about trust or mistrust.. It's about self preservation.

 

[Butterfly]

With all due respect Robusta, I don't think you understood my post. How do you feel about a husband and wife each working and contributing to the marriage and when one leaves the marriage by divorce the male winds up with most or all they accumulated. Or --a woman becomes widowed and is left with little or no resources and subsequently becomes disabled.

That doesn't happen in divorce here in NM (or at least it isn't supposed to.) We are a community property state and anything acquired or incurred during the marriage gets split right down the middle -- assets, child support, whatever. If, for instance, a woman works to support the family while the man gets a degree (like a dentist or something), that is taken into consideration by the court in dividing assets. Both parties are expected to support themselves upon dissolution of a marriage, unless there are very small children or one of the spouses is disabled.

 

[helenbacque]

Lon, a very sad situation. I hope your friend has a good divorce lawyer and that she's able to mop the floor with the ex. But good divorce lawyers don't come easy or cheap. I personally think karma takes care of those situations but karma does not always pay the rent. Good luck to her.

 

[Lon]

That doesn't happen in divorce here in NM (or at least it isn't supposed to.) We are a community property state and anything acquired or incurred during the marriage gets split right down the middle -- assets, child support, whatever. If, for instance, a woman works to support the family while the man gets a degree (like a dentist or something), that is taken into consideration by the court in dividing assets. Both parties are expected to support themselves upon dissolution of a marriage, unless there are very small children or one of the spouses is disabled.

What you say also applies to California but you still have to go after the assets and if they have been moved out of state or out of the country Who will pay for the cost pf tracking everything down?

 

[Butterfly]

What you say also applies to California but you still have to go after the assets and if they have been moved out of state or out of the country Who will pay for the cost pf tracking everything down?

Here, if a person is hiding assets, he who is willfully hiding assets is generally ordered by the court to pay the costs incurred. Our courts here have a very dim view of such behavior.