Words people say.

fancicoffee13

fancicoffee13

Senior Member
Location
Texas
I was talking about how I like to help people amongst my friends. And one of them said, helping people are controlling people. Well, I said that doesn't even make sense and is backwards thinking. Well, the point is I let those words hurt me and I took offense at it and also thought the person was testing me in some way. Because controlling people traits are opposite of those in helping people. I am going forward and letting it go, I am dropping it and will still enjoy helping people.
 

yeah.....I've heard to go ahead and forgive people before we encounter them....stores...so called friends...wherever....
for what they do or mouth out with...
helps me tremendously
 
bingo said:
yeah.....I've heard to go ahead and forgive people before we encounter them....stores...so called friends...wherever....
for what they do or mouth out with...
helps me tremendously
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I have been friends for a long time with this person and I just can't believe she would say something like that. She is a senior and so am I.
 

fancicoffee13 said:
I have been friends for a long time with this person and I just can't believe she would say something like that. She is a senior and so am I.
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well...you will remember and be on guard with your carefully chosen words..a prepared kind statement....
if she is a conscientious person...she may say...sorry...
stay as cheerful as you are:)
 
I wonder if she said that because she's experienced it that way. Sometimes people use helping someone as an excuse to control them...such as giving money then telling that person how he/she should or should not use it. So perhaps it's best not to take it personal. Forgiving the mis-speak is not a bad idea...neither is remembering to choose your words carefully around this person. Another tact is to ask why she said that (feels that way).
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I wonder if she said that because she's experienced it that way. Sometimes people use helping someone as an excuse to control them...such as giving money then telling that person how he/she should or should not use it. So perhaps it's best not to take it personal. Forgiving the mis-speak is not a bad idea...neither is remembering to choose your words carefully around this person. Another tact is to ask why she said that (feels that way).
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Yes, I am going to definitely choose my words carefully, around anywone. Because, I didn't expect to get that from her, so who knows what anyone else will say. I am remaining positive, and kind, just careful from now on.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I wonder if she said that because she's experienced it that way. Sometimes people use helping someone as an excuse to control them...such as giving money then telling that person how he/she should or should not use it. So perhaps it's best not to take it personal. Forgiving the mis-speak is not a bad idea...neither is remembering to choose your words carefully around this person. Another tact is to ask why she said that (feels that way).
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I oftened wondered why seniors were quiet most of the time. Maybe I just found out. I will take your advice.
 
I just got off the phone with my daughter's MIL. We have a baby shower to attend in March and she said since I was Italian she wasn't sure if I would wear something appropriate. It reminded me of her sending her daughter to my house the day of my daughter's wedding to make sure my daughter didn't look Gawdy in her Wedding gown. I don't know where she got the attitude of Italians having no class, especially since she weighs 300lbs I wanted to annoy her and say I was going nude to the shower. Here is a picture of my daughter at her wedding. Do you think she looks Gawdy?
236882660_4692888454057467_1797796217413812008_n (1).jpg
 
Sassycakes said:
I just got off the phone with my daughter's MIL. We have a baby shower to attend in March and she said since I was Italian she wasn't sure if I would wear something appropriate. It reminded me of her sending her daughter to my house the day of my daughter's wedding to make sure my daughter didn't look Gawdy in her Wedding gown. I don't know where she got the attitude of Italians having no class, especially since she weighs 300lbs I wanted to annoy her and say I was going nude to the shower. Here is a picture of my daughter at her wedding. Do you think she looks Gawdy?
View attachment 207124
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whatta ripping calloused thing to say !
she's definitely gonna have some MIL problems!
 
fancicoffee13 said:
I have been friends for a long time with this person and I just can't believe she would say something like that. She is a senior and so am I.
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Since you are friends it should be easy to ask her why she thought the way she did. Obviously not in a confrontational way. Something like you help me & I don't think you are controlling how can I help others and not seem to be controlling?
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Yes, I am going to definitely choose my words carefully, around anywone. Because, I didn't expect to get that from her, so who knows what anyone else will say. I am remaining positive, and kind, just careful from now on.
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This makes me sad for you. :cry:

It's such a shame that you find yourself needing to be more careful and watchful. I urge you to talk to your friend and find out why she would say that. I'm getting the impression that it's an out of character thing for your friend, and I'd be curious what was going on.

As I've gotten older I've become LESS careful and watchful, because I just don't care anymore what people think of me, or what their opinions are of me, or how they feel about me. I maintain very open and honest communication with my family and close friends, and never allow a hurtful or disturbing comment to pass without tackling it (not that I get those kinds of comments very often) because I don't want to feel resentful or guarded and don't want to have to wonder if I'm saying the right thing. I lived that way for far too many years with my abusive ex and I don't do that anymore.
 
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I had a friend (male, same age) who I had been in constant contact with. I would call him once a week to make sure he was okay. At the time, his health was not the best but he was able to take care of himself. He had hemophilia and was HIV positive.

He didn't have a good relationship with other family members whom he would sometimes complain to me about. I was a good listener and tried to give good advice. All was well until years later when his mental illness started to show and my calls were, in his own words, annoying to him. I gave him time. He called me a few days later, acting normal so we just talked like we always did until he asked me to find him a cheap lawnmower. I asked what was wrong with the one he already had and he basically told me to f off. I tried to deescalate but it didn't help much as he repeatedly said he didn't want to hear anything I had to say anymore. So I said goodbye and good luck to him and that was it. I cut off all communication.
Later, I found out that what triggered him about the lawnmower was that he felt his judgment was being challenged. I recently checked his sister's Facebook and it seems that he is still alive but I can't be perfectly sure as they both also hate each other's guts.

All this has made me realize that sometimes you just can't help somebody who doesn't want your help. Not that they don't need help at all but the responsibility is out of your hands now that you've tried your best to help.
 
fancicoffee13 said:
Because controlling people traits are opposite of those in helping people.
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Not necessarily. My opinionated friend thought she was offering helpful (unsolicited) advice to me about the setup in my kitchen. She was totally wrong.

It depends on how your friend meant it. She may have been thinking about something totally disconnected to you. It’s too bad she didn’t clarify.

Words that people say aren’t always the same as the listener hears. Keep on being a helpful friend, @fancicoffee13
 
RubyK said:
I would have asked her, "Why would you say that?" and let her explain herself. I learned to say that from something I read on the Internet and it works.
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Similar to that is, "why would you ask that?" when someone asks a question that's none of their business, such as how much did that cost or how much do you make an hour, etc. It really makes people back up!
 
Sadly, some people who 'help' others are controlling. In my experience most are not. But i have a close relative who can be a very 'generous' helper. However, she often gets very pushy about it, insisting on doing things even when people state clearly 'please don't'. And seems to think helping gives her a say so in every aspect of your life.

Unsurprisingly, she uses the word should a lot in talking to those she helps, and nearly.every adult we mutually know has said to me at some point "I love K, but..." ending with a description of ways she made them feel bad about themselves, was bossy as a tyrannical parent and/or gave unsolicited advice that was unrelated to what she had helped them with.
 

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