Your transition into widower-hood.

grNadpa

grNadpa

New Member
Location
Just outside Chicago, Illinois, USA
Other than a will, what practical things did you find you wish you'd arranged to do or achieve before your spouse passed? Things such as meal preparation, financials, document locations and the like.

My wife and I enjoy good physical and mental health and mobility. And, other than ancestry, I have little reason to expect that I'll outlive her. But, like a will, I'm interested in what I should consider while we are both here.
 

A good think to think about @grNadpa . And I think @hearlady is right, that is an important one. Here are a few I can think of, learned from experience, mostly of others:
  • Combinations to safes, keys to locks, etc. should be known to both.
  • Some listing of all accounts and life insurance.
  • Wishes as to where and how a person would want their remains to end up.
  • Identification of who is in any pictures.
  • In addition to a regular will some documentation as to what heroic actions should or should not happen to extend life as the end nears.
  • A list of debts owed, and debts owed to including any that should be forgiven. Forgiveness of significant debt needs to be in the will. When I have helped people with wills I have always included something saying all debts not mentioned are forgiven.
A will is of course important, but I think if possible it is also good to give away things you want others to have before death. And if it's something of value be sure people know it was given away. This makes the will simpler and is less subject to misunderstanding.

I am sure others can add to the list.
 

Those are all good points, Rob.

Alligatorob said:
but I think if possible it is also good to give away things you want others to have before death.
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If you want to retain things, you could ask who wants what at the end so that it’s clear. Tell them if there’s any arguing, you will make the decision and put it in your codicil.

Here we can have a codicil that declares our possessions and who will get them. It doesn’t have to be notarized each time we change it. This is used for smaller items.
 
hearlady said:
One thing to consider is if you're in a home that you'll stay in or would it be better to think about moving now, together.
If one passes it's best to be in a permanent home that either can keep up and have sources of help.
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I could not get my husband to even consider moving out of our home while he was still living. It wasn't going to happen.
I moved into my apartment 5 years later. It was a great move.

As an accountant, the financial end of things were all in control, as I handled that throughout our married life.

It's good for both parties to be familiar with important documents and where everything is located.
 
Lee said:
As a recent widow the one thing I am glad I had was enough money set aside to pay for final costs. There is no way I would have wanted to be sitting there discussing financial arrangements with a stranger.

And be prepared for paperwork, lots and lots of paperwork.
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I agree lots of paper work.:(
 
Thank you @hearlady , @Alligatorob , @Jules , @Lee , @JustBonee . These are great responses that I will implement.
What about activities I should be sure I can achieve? I mean I do the dishes. laundry and ironing as a matter of course. And I think I know how to boil water with out too much remedial help. But I wonder if there aren't some activities that my wife does that I don't notice and she doesn't think to mention that would only become noticeable when she'd no longer be there .
 
Do you hide anything away in a safe place. We have items that are rarely used so they’re tucked away. DH tells me where he’s putting them and I immediately forget. I need a list of these little hidey holes.

A list of all the passwords.
 
I admire you for even thinking about this, grNadpa; I wish I could get my huzz to do the same. (I've just about given up on us downsizing to an even slightly smaller place to live.) But all I get is, "You'd better not die before I do!" From what I hear, his attitude is more common than yours in elderly males.
 
Shortly after I retired I took a loose leaf binder and compiled a "survivors manual". In it I listed things to know, such as info on our investments, There I noted that none were IRAs and that they were in both our names. I included how to's for car title and house title. I included things to maintain the house and car. I included a copy of my Navy discharge. I included info on pension and social security.

When the time comes it is helpful to make a check list of who to notify. You will need copies of the death certificate.

We had not taken a newspaper in many years. We emailed an obituary to family and close friends.
I used to jokingly tell my wife that since she was the female that statistically she was obliged to outlast me, covid changed that.

I greatly miss her, we were married 63 years.
 
I was the one in my relationship with the computer skills. I was 4 years older than my spouse. I made a flash drive for him, outlining everything.
Our bank accounts, all financials...Passwords, emails, etc. His/My Wills. All medical papers, also a living will. Our Cremation papers etc. I had everything set up so he could access it all with ease. Neither with much medical problems, thought I would go due to age. Unknown to us, he had a blood clot behind his knee, it burst and went to his heart and lungs.
 
MaryM58 said:
I was the one in my relationship with the computer skills. ... I had everything set up so he could access it all with ease. ... Unknown to us, he had a blood clot behind his knee, it burst and went to his heart and lungs.
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Sorry to hear of his unexpected blood clot. That had to be hard.

Both my wife and I are somewhat computer literate, at least with the common office software. In addition my wife has become skilled in Quickbooks and I dabble in VBA. As with you, we have all our financials and legal paraphernalia and ready to go for whichever of us passes first -- as far as I know, not imminent for either of us.

My concern are the things my wife does that go unnoticed. I find I am spending a lot more attention to her "chores
 
grNadpa said:
Other than a will, what practical things did you find you wish you'd arranged to do or achieve before your spouse passed? Things such as meal preparation, financials, document locations and the like.

My wife and I enjoy good physical and mental health and mobility. And, other than ancestry, I have little reason to expect that I'll outlive her. But, like a will, I'm interested in what I should consider while we are both here.
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I wrote about this on my blog. Creating a legacy box. Creating a Legacy Box – The Tech Minimalist (wordpress.com)
 
s76l42 said:
I wrote about this on my blog. Creating a legacy box. Creating a Legacy Box – The Tech Minimalist (wordpress.com)
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Thank you, Shelly, for the link to your very professional blog. I am pleased to know that my wife and I did put together a legacy box as you describe. And it contains most of what you recommend. Thank you for sharing your experience and insights in a very readable and concise form (I'm envious!).

Is your reference to videos in the legacy box is a list of links? I have quite a few individual videos and playlists on my YouTube channel. And I've rendered some among them on DVDs. But I'm concerned about whether today's technologies will be available when I pass. And, if not, will I be technically literate enough to make the conversions before then. Any thoughts?
 
grNadpa said:
Thank you, Shelly, for the link to your very professional blog. I am pleased to know that my wife and I did put together a legacy box as you describe. And it contains most of what you recommend. Thank you for sharing your experience and insights in a very readable and concise form (I'm envious!).

Is your reference to videos in the legacy box is a list of links? I have quite a few individual videos and playlists on my YouTube channel. And I've rendered some among them on DVDs. But I'm concerned about whether today's technologies will be available when I pass. And, if not, will I be technically literate enough to make the conversions before then. Any thoughts?
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Hello grNadpa, thank you. I am happy you found the information helpful.

When I mention videos it would home movies and other content you would like to pass along. For YouTube you can leave your login information with your survivor/survivors. YouTube also has an option called inactive account manager. It allows users to share parts of their account data with someone else. About Inactive Account Manager - Google Account Help
You can save video files on an external hard drive, in MP4 format or another common video file format. There will always be converters so that someone in the future will be able to convert the files if necessary but MP4 and AVI will be around a long time even as newer technology emerges.
 
hollydolly said:
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I'm going to get a little religious here. It's my strong belief that God does not want men to fold fitted sheets. HE wants men to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, replace roof shingles, fix toilet anti-siphons, and replace GFI electrical switches....but not (under any circumstances) are men supposed to fold fitted sheets. That's why men die before women.....they try (and fail) to fold fitted sheets.
 
down2earth said:
I'm going to get a little religious here. It's my strong belief that God does not want men to fold fitted sheets. HE wants men to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, replace roof shingles, fix toilet anti-siphons, and replace GFI electrical switches....but not (under any circumstances) are men supposed to fold fitted sheets. That's why men die before women.....they try (and fail) to fold fitted sheets.
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It's not only the men who can't fold fitted sheets it's all my friends as well. I've watched it on YouTube and still can't fold them . It was okay before fitted sheets became popular I could pull them off the clothesline and fold them into the washing basket perfectly.
 

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