The jokes only thread....

65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
 

I saw one of those guys in a self-driving car the other day.
His hands were going in all different directions. His head
gyrating, his shoulders moving his whole torso in rotation.
Him fists punching paper bag motions. I thought, "He's
Talking to a passenger but there were none."
"Bat**** Crazy," conclusion then turning into a Waldo World.
 
Dr. Phil gets on a train to go into New York City. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it.

To pass the time Dr. Phil decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and

if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I get it wrong,

you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?"

Dr. Phil thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end.

As it pulls into the station, Dr. Phil takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to Dr. Phil.

"I don't know."
 
A 2022 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
 
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"So let me ask you Mel, do you have a bed in the back of your car?"
"Wha?" Says Mel, "No I don't have a bed in the back of my car."

"Well" Says Ronnie, "Check it out - king sized bed in the back seat of my 2023 Toyota"
Mel gets out of his car, goes up to Ronnie’s and leans in and sure enough there is a massive King sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car. He looks at the outside of the car, and its small, look inside and there is a king-sized bed.

"Huh?" thinks Mel, just then the light turns green and Ronnie says "Ok, see ya" and drives off.
This drives Mel just about crazy. He starts telling all his friends and family about the king sized bed in the back of Ronnie’s car and they all think he has gone mad.

So Mel starts calling auto shops and asking if they could put a king sized bed into the back of his Porche and they all just laugh at him and hang up on him. But Mel soldiers on, he starts calling auto shops further and further away until finally he calls "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing" shop in Watsonville California.

"Hello" Says the guy answering the phone, "Uncle Bobs Garage and fine Detailing, Dave speaking, what I can do for you?"
"Hi" Says Mel, "This is going to sound odd, but can you put a bed into the back of my Porche?"
"You bet” Says Dave "Bring it in on Tuesday and we'll get that in there for you"

Finally! Mel is delighted and he immediately drives to Watsonville California, (about 10 hours of driving) gets the work done, pays the guy, and drives home as happy as a clam.

Months go by. And finally, Mel gets his chance. He is driving along and he sees Ronnie’s Toyota parked by the side of the road. Mel stops his car jumps out and goes over to Ronnie’s, But, the windows are a little steamed up, there is a gentle rocking motion of the car, and Mel is a little concerned with should he disturb him or not.

So Mel waits a couple of minutes until he can't stand it anymore and taps the window. Nothing happens. He taps it again only a little louder. A few seconds go by and then Ronnie rolls down the window, a little bit of steam escapes from the car, and there is Ronnie wearing nothing but a bath towel.

"Hey Ronnie!" Says Mel “Guess what? I got a bed in the back of my car! Just like you, come on check it out"
'Oh' Says Ronnie, "You got me out of my shower just to tell me that?"
 
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2023; .... WE ARE ONLY TYPO'S AWAY FROM 2024

"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked
"The same way I watch Formula 1 on weekends but still drive my 2002
Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..
That satisfied her...
"I didn't mention taken rentals from Enterprise for business meetings"
 
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
St. Peter looks through the giant book of life, which detailed all the lawyer did, looks at the lawyer and says “Yup, sorry, don’t think you’ve lived your life doing enough good to get into heaven."

"The ONE WAY DROP to the underworld is RIGHT BEHIND YOU.”
The lawyer insists “There have definitely been times in my life that I have been charitable!”

St. Peter asks “such as?”
The lawyer pipes on “there was that time in 1999 where a man was a dollar short on his parking lot stub, and I gave it to him!”
“Begrudgingly” said St. Peter

“Then that time in 2012 when I walked past a homeless man and gave him $5 !”
St. Peter looks at the lawyer straight in the eye, sighs, and says :
“Alright tell you what, here’s your $6.66 with interest, now take it and go to hell.”
 
The museum had a beautiful suit of armor. Two mice were climbing though it one evening when one of them slipped and fell into it. In the total darkness the poor little mouse couldn't find his way out so he cried out to his friend, "Help me make it through the knight!"
 
The last two gladiators of the games were squared off in the middle of the arena in an intense and epic battle.
Every attack by either gladiator was met with a defensive move and counter attack by his opponent.

As the contest continued, fatigue set in and as one of the combatants began his attack, he stumbled and flailed wildly.
His sword struck his opponent's legs below the knee just as the enemy sword came across his wrists.
One gladiator had both hands severed, the other both feet. The match was over.

Caesar assessed the situation and declared the gladiator that had lost his hands the winner.
"How can that be?" one of the Senators asked. "The gladiator is unable to even hold a sword!"

Caesar replied, "Clearly Senator, you don't understand the situation. That gladiator has merely been disarmed.
The other has been defeeted." ..... :ROFLMAO: .....
 
After I retired, I had hoped to only have to speak to one more lawyer in my life, my neighbor.
Unfortunately, because he is my neighbor, I don't want to ask him for any advice. I wish
to keep my home for a long-time.
 
Dave is walking down the street
with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks,
"What cha got that case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife," answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."
 
Guy asks his friend one day, “How’s the family?” the friend says,
“My wife and my daughter are fine, but I’m worried about my son.”
“What’s wrong with your son?” Guy asks friend?
“He doesn’t know how to drink or play poker,”
“But…but why on earth would that be a problem?”
“Because he drinks and plays poker.”

(Groan)!
 


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