What traditions comfort you when someone dies?

StarSong

StarSong

Awkward is my Superpower
Location
Los Angeles Suburbs
My neighbor died yesterday. Although probably only in his early sixties, he wasn't in the best of health - bad diabetes. He was a kind, gentle man and I quite liked him.

DH & I saw a lot of cars outside their house yesterday and hoped/wondered if there was some sort of family celebration going on. Then early this afternoon we noticed a group dressed in black leaving their car and about to enter the house. Including people of working age. On a Monday? That can't be good.

I'd met one of them a few times. We nodded hello and I asked if everything was ok. He told me of A's passing. I teared up, expressed my condolences and gave him a hug.

A while later I texted their son (well into his 30s). Again gave my sympathies and asked if it would be welcome or appropriate to bake some cookies and bring them over. (They're Egyptian's who follow the Coptic Orthodox Church, and not knowing their religious and family traditions, I didn't want to intrude or offend them.) He said, "Absolutely, yes."

So I baked some biscotti and a couple of other kinds of cookies and assembled a tray. Dressed in black clothing, brought the cookies over, and spent some time visiting with his widow, their two children, a few relatives and a couple of family friends.

While there, I realized how much this particular tradition resonates for me. Receiving support from loved ones in their home (much as Jewish people sit Shiva) rather than going to funeral parlors, churches, or graveside services. It felt so warm, personal and supportive.

When I came home, I told DH that when I die, I'd like him or my children to do that as a way of honoring me and providing support for them. And if he predeceases me, I'll do that to honor him. I've been privliged to have many Jewish friends in this lifetime so perhaps that's why this tradition feels so natural and comfortable.

What tradition, if any, might help pull you through the pain of losing a very close loved one?
 

We had a celebration at a united church. We brought little sandwiches and trays of cookies and muffins. There was a religious service and later we took his ashes and scattered them at his favourite place which was a beach.

I’d probably want to skip the religious part but would like the a gathering with cookies and stuff. I’d like to be cremated.
 
As a kid, I remember that when family passed that lived in rural areas, everyone gathered back at the church & had a meal prepared by the church ladies. It was always pleasant with everyone talking & I noticed that the immediate family was at ease with everyone there. I'm not sure that is done very much any more like that.

I guess today we'd call it "a celebration of life" & the family holds it at a time of their choice. My neighbor did that when their son passed since he was cremated & they had no funeral. Everyone gathered at the park & ate. It was very nice & I wouldn't mind something like that.
 

When my husband passed, I got a call from a catering company, I think the funeral people had a deal with them, asking if they could do the refreshments for after the funeral. I told them I hadn't decided what we were doing, they persisted and wanted to know how many people would be there. I said I didn't know. After the church service I was told to go to the room at the back of the church and there to my disgust the table was filled with refreshments and light finger food. I was shocked and said I hadn't ordered all of this.
The lady in charge said she would ring the catering company and I spoke with the manager who was quite rude to me saying I had ordered everything, which I hadn't. He said I would be hearing from them in the near future. Luckily my son's old school friend is a Lawyer and when I told him he said he would handle the matter, and not to worry. I never heard a word from the catering people after that. What a cheek eh! Trying to con someone at their lowest point.
 
When my husband passed my son was working at Olive Garden. They asked how many people in the family would be at the service. We/he had a very large family, so about sixty people. They told my son to come to the restaurant after the service and they would have all the food ready to go. There was chicken alfredo, plain alfredo, lasagna, spaghetti, salad and breadsticks. They sent the salad dressing, croutons, it was shocking. They went to so much expense and trouble for us. He had been working there about 3 years while he was in college. There was so much food we had to send some home with family members.

In my own experience, I have cooked things suitable for immediate use or able to be frozen for future meals. Sometimes a ham or turkey is right for cold cuts or snacking. It all depends on the family, size, children, etc.

If they are Jewish or Muslim, it is wise to research their religious standards/requirements or if they are vegan or vegetarian. There is no point in taking foods they can't eat. If all else fails, the family would be grateful for normal household things like toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, cups, detergents, both clothing, dish soap or other cleaning supplies. Things that are used every day that they won't have to worry about for a while.
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If it is a family with children think about small toys, crayons, coloring books, puzzles, books. It is helpful to the parent to have things to distract the children from the reality of the situation if even for a short while.
 
My mom made a tradition of buying each of my kids one of those Hallmark Ornaments for Christmas every year. Now they're getting them from me every year. Also, I make the gingerbread cookies she made every Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My dad donated to a widows of foreign war vets every year. After he died, I took up the torch. I struggled with doubling the amount...just didn't feel right...but after the first few years I figured it's what he would have given if he could have. So, I give double, and it feels right.
 
That is wonderful!! I was always big on Christmas, it never about the stuff, it was about my stocking stuffer my MIL gave me. There was always the most special beautiful ornament just for me. She knew that was the best part of my Christmas.
Others in the family gave me gifts but that ornament would be in my lap all day. It confirmed for me I was loved and part of the family forever!! I was so happy to give her the news of her first grandchild was on the way!!!
 
My husband had always been adamant that he didn't want a "funeral". When he died, I had a memorial service a few weeks later at his favorite fish camp. BBQ and fixins' and lots of beer. Some crying and a lot of laughing as people told stories. Then we all went out in boats to his favorite fishing spot on the lake and scattered ashes.

It comforted me to see people celebrating his life in a place that he was happiest at.....not a funeral home or a church. Just people in comfortable clothes, eating and drinking and talking about him.

His sister had a funeral mass said for him, which comforted her. I told her that was up to her but don't be surprised if there was a clap of thunder and a window broke......
 
jujube said:
It comforted me to see people celebrating his life in a place that he was happiest at.....not a funeral home or a church. Just people in comfortable clothes, eating and drinking and talking about him.
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Yes. I suppose that's what spoke to me yesterday. Being in his home with his wife and children felt natural and appropriate.

There will surely be a funeral and some kind of religious service, which I won't attend.
 
So my dad, mom, grandma, grandpa have passed. We never had any service except for my grand dad, a Catholic service, then he was buried, and no get together afterwards. For grandma, dad and mom, only a cremation, no service and no get togethers afterwards. Frankly, no tradition would have helped me, I was devastated when a family member died. Nothing was going to help me get through except my two brothers, and my hubby. Funeral traditions do not exist in my family. And when I die, I don't want any service, fuss, just cremate me.
 
Lilac said:
Lilac said:
As a kid, I remember that when family passed that lived in rural areas, everyone gathered back at the church & had a meal prepared by the church ladies. It was always pleasant with everyone talking & I noticed that the immediate family was at ease with everyone there. I'm not sure that is done very much any more like that.

I guess today we'd call it "a celebration of life" & the family holds it at a time of their choice. My neighbor did that when their son passed since he was cremated & they had no funeral. Everyone gathered at the park & ate. It was very nice & I wouldn't mind something like that.
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I lost my husband recently (3rd April) and it was somewhat unexpected. I will start a thread somewhere else with more details but in keeping with the topic of this thread, our family customs have been very comforting for me.

It is our family's custom to be cremated. The usual attire is a new nightdress or pyjamas. We use the services of the White Ladies and hold a funeral service in our own church where we can have a lot of input into the form of the service, allowing maximum input from members of the congregation and members of the family.

After the hearse leaves the church ladies usually provide a very generous morning tea, but for Hubby I decided to skip this step and we went directly to a nearby hotel where we had booked a function room. Here, in this private space, we were provided with canapes aplenty and an open bar. We had set up a conversation table of objects that symbolised Hubby's life, achievements and character, and more people were able to speak about him. This is where the slide show of his life was presented and although we did not demand that people were silent, or pause eating and drinking, they were favourably received, mostly in silence.

Our youngest granddaughter, who is a music therapist, had used her phone to film him singing along with her on one of her visits. Accompanied only by her guitar, she encouraged us to sing Eidelweiss with her. Then the video of Hubby singing this song started and we all sang along with him. It brought quite a few undone because it felt like he was there with us, but of course he is gone from us all except in our minds and hearts.

I found the whole day very comforting and so did many others.
 
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When my mom died in 1999 I sat down that night and begin writing random thoughts about how I was feeling that day. We had a rather complicated relationship and I just kind of brainstormed how I was feeling that night. Since then, I have done it with everyone special in my life who has passed. It is kind of a goodbye note to them because in most cases I never got to say goodbye to them in person. I do go back and read what I wrote and often times I add more to what I had originally written.
 
I attend a recent funeral service of a very good friend by zoom only. The camera was a wide angled but pointing to the front for speakers benefit - so I only got to see the backs of the heads of the rest - and tried to guess who was who- I was able to watch it as many times as I wanted but it got no better - and I felt saddened and missing out ?
 
When a dear friend of mine was dying with Covid and was in the Intensive Care Ward, we were not allowed to visit him, during the final hours of him living the hospital arranged a t.v. camera to be in the room with him and we could say our final goodbyes. I spoke to him but not sure if he could hear me, his poor wife was in a nursing home and didn't even get to see him or say goodbye.
 
oscash said:
When a dear friend of mine was dying with Covid and was in the Intensive Care Ward, we were not allowed to visit him, during the final hours of him living the hospital arranged a t.v. camera to be in the room with him and we could say our final goodbyes. I spoke to him but not sure if he could hear me, his poor wife was in a nursing home and didn't even get to see him or say goodbye.
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that was nice but the same technology was and is available for his wife to have participated - just need slightly more effort
 
I have to be honest and say that I don't seem to let loss affect me much emotionally ... anymore. I don't know, I guess just too much loss over the years has "tainted" me. What works for me ... I'm not sure ... either I internalize grief or simply accept loss and move on. Not much tradition in that I guess.

Probably the loss of beloved dogs has affected me most in the last almost 20yrs. Maybe because they were totally devoted without question and 100% dependent on me. I seem to question if I did the absolute best I could to do right by them. I hope so.
 
My church always has a wonderful service for deceased members. We sign up to contribute food for the family luncheon , in our community room, after the viewing and service (at our church).

Since my Pastor died last April, we have had 4 more member's deaths, the last one ,3weeks ago, a beloved woman whose death was not expected.

We also pray that there will be enough food and a lot left over ( because most of the church usually attends the funeral luncheon,) and there is ALWAYS plenty ,enough for a big extended family to take home with them!

I have very few relatives in the USA so I don't want a service when I die- and will contribute money instead, probably to our Missionary fund, with a separate amount for a Cake and Ice Cream Party in our community room.

I have had a life filled with many sorrows and challenges and also it has been very Joyous as well!

I have really done all I wanted to do on my bucket list and I feel if a church service can be followed with enough food for the family for the next day after a funeral, it is a blessing for them, not to have to worry about buying and preparing food.
 
jlhog said:
I like to be left alone when someone close to me passes. That includes pets I have had. I will deal with it my own way. I hate it when someone tells me they are sorry. What are they sorry for? Did they cause my loss? I am probably a bird of a different breed, but that's how I am.
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They aren't using the word "sorry" as an apology. They're expressing sadness, solidarity and empathy that you're going through a painful period.

I'm both grieved at the passing of my neighbor, and that his widow and children are dealing with a very difficult loss.

I understand wanting to be alone to grieve. Sometimes we need to lick our wounds in private.
 
Comforting to have others around who cared for the one you cared about, but stressful to make final arrangements when more money was involved than anticipated. Preference to have predetermined the details of a gathering and disposition of remains.
 


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