Feeling too Intensely or Being ‘Too Much’

[Keesha]

Showing vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a strength. With the stereotyping we have today, it must be extra difficult for men to show it. I know my husband is constantly poking fun of men who show too much gentleness and not enough toughness.
He considers it a gay quality and no amount of reasoning would change his mind. It’s actually quite sad.
For many vulnerability will always be a weakness.

 

[Ronni]

Ronni
I’m the same way when it comes to watching emotional shows , movies or commercials. There needs to be a huge box of Kleenex close by. My family has poked fun of me as well as my husband but most have accepted that it’s just the way I am. I’m sure I get those eye rolls also but that’s ok. I’ll accept that.


My man isn’t the same way at all. I’ve only seen him cry twice in 30 years and it wasn’t very much or very long. He’s intensely wound up at times and uses woodworking or carving as an outlet but he definitely doesn’t feel as deeply as I do. It’s nice that he can actually relate to your sensitivity since he feels it himself. What a great match you are.
It’s nice to have a partner who appreciates the depth of our character.


How did you meet Ron and when did you realize that he was also a sensitive man who wasn’t afraid to express his emotions?

Just so we're clear, my kids don't poke fun at my emotionality in an unkind way...they are very understanding and empathetic themselves, and while they may say "uh-oh, here come the waterworks" or some such, they're also offering hugs and kleenex. It's a sweet thing.

Ron and I met zip lining of all things!!! And for some time we were just companions together...it was lovely to meet someone my age who was as adventurous as I, who enjoyed the same kinds of physical things I did. Mostly I went with my kids or their younger friends when I chose to go paddle boarding or kayaking or hiking or whatever other thing I chose. I was so content with my life just the way it was. Full and active and busy, lots of social things and activities and adventures. I hadn't expected to get romantically involved with Ron..with anyone for that matter. But he was quietly just there, first as a playmate and companion, then as an actual date to various things for a while (though I told him it wasn't going to go anywhere hahahaha!!!) and then, finally as a relationship partner. But even then, I was guarded and hesitant, and told him I just wasn't sure. He didn't push, didn't argue, didn't do anything other than just quietly be there, letting me know that there was no rush, he wasn't going anywhere, he was just happy we were together in whatever capacity.

We had been together, seriously together, for about 6 months. I knew his Mom wasn't doing well physically, he'd gone up (NY State) to see her, it was only a matter of time. He came back quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting together on the couch, and he started talking, but immediately broke down. He pulled back and apologized profusely and tried to stifle his emotion. I told him it was OK, to feel whatever he felt and let it out. He looked at me for a long minute, and then his eyes filled up with tears, and he lay his head down on me, and just sobbed while I held him.

He told me later that the relief was enormous, told me how liberating it was that he could be that completely raw and not feel judged, and just feel safe. It hit me then that he'd probably been stifled his emotionality other times too, believing that I'd think less of him. He'd been told by his ex that he was "too emotional" and he didn't want to be judged for that. I reassured him that it only endeared him to me more that he could feel deeply, the same way I did. (He'd already seen me cry numerous times over minor things, and had always just held me and told me it was going to be ok, so he certainly knew how emotional *I* was by that point!!) After that reassurance, he became very open about his emotions around me, and we've also cried together about things a few times now.

I call him "my tough guy" because he often looks the part, but really he's just a big ole' teddy bear. :love_heart:

 

[Ronni]

Ronni,
I can swing down to the negative emotions. That’s why I made sure to add that I have other disorders that overlap. PTSD , seasonal affective disorder and a depressive disorder affects my mental well being so I can swing to lows. Seasonal affective disorder is a yearly thing that many people deal with. It’s almost like when the sunshine goes, the good moods fade some. It’s an adjustment but is certainly manageable. It’s the panic from PTSD that sends me spiralling down quickly. Anger isn’t an emotion I can hang onto for long and hate isn’t even an emotion I entertain with others however I do often struggle with self hatred which can turn into depression.


Shalimar mentioned something in another thread about arrested emotions. Many people who have been through severe trauma have ‘arrested emotionals.’ Their emotional well being doesn’t fully develop the same.


Most people can cope well with loss and tragedy. People who are overly sensitive often have other human pathologies that interfere with healthy mental well being. You are fortunate that you don’t.


I’ve been in that headspace plenty of times in my life. There isn’t much currently going on in my life to feel negative about except worrying about my aging parents. My first post was written from articles I’d read about sensitive empaths. It wasn’t all written about my feelings so wanted to add that.


The last paragraph was written more as tongue in cheek. I was poking fun of us in a fun loving way. It is a very interesting topic. Thanks for contributing. I always like reading your posts.

Hmmmm.....more insightful, thought provoking content here....wow.

I have dealt with my share of PTSD. Was severely affected by it, and had to be medicated for it for several years, first as a result of my marriage, and then when my son spiraled down into full blown addiction. I was barely functional. Shut down a lot of the time. Was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med for my chronic state, taken once a day, and then Xanax for severe triggers that shut me down completely, so that I could at least function enough to get home, or get moving. The panic attacks as a result of the PTDS were awful. A full-on attack of physiological symptoms that culminated in feeling that I was going to die. Couldn't breathe, heart pounding so hard I felt that it was going to burst out of my chest...just awful.

Did I go through a period of arrested emotions? I don't think I did. MY problem was I felt every single one of my emotions way too deeply to be able to function through them a lot of the time.

I'm not medicated now. My son has been in recovery for almost 5 years....the longest stretch in his 20 years of addiction. I have hope that he will remain in recovery. "Just for today" is my daily mantra. I also have hope that with the very hard work I've done on myself, I will be able to maintain better now than I did before, if he does relapse. I monitor my own emotional recovery closely because I don't want to ever return to that awful emotional state if I can help it.

I think you'e an amazing person Keesha. :love_heart:

 

[Ronni]

It dawned on me the other day when I was answering a thread. It was a very emotional experience that seemed to throw me right off course . It was at that moment that I remembered this overly empathic part of me and knew I needed some type of stradegy in order to cope and communicate better.

It reminded me why I chose the lifestyle I have.

Keesha, I hope you don't mind me asking you some questions. If I'm being too intrusive, you can just ignore me.

How do your emotions throw you off course? You mean like you get so emotional that you can't deal? Or your attention/focus gets redirected? Or something else.

Do you HAVE strategies to cope?

And lastly, I'm so curious what you mean by choosing the lifestyle you have. Have you structured your life in a certain way to compensate for your empathy/emotionality?

 

[Nihil]

I'm intense like the OP describes. I've been that way all my life. However, I've recently decided to not get emotionally involved with people, as that sets me up for abuse.

 

[Keesha]

Just so we're clear, my kids don't poke fun at my emotionality in an unkind way...they are very understanding and empathetic themselves, and while they may say "uh-oh, here come the waterworks" or some such, they're also offering hugs and kleenex. It's a sweet thing.

Ron and I met zip lining of all things!!! And for some time we were just companions together...it was lovely to meet someone my age who was as adventurous as I, who enjoyed the same kinds of physical things I did. Mostly I went with my kids or their younger friends when I chose to go paddle boarding or kayaking or hiking or whatever other thing I chose. I was so content with my life just the way it was. Full and active and busy, lots of social things and activities and adventures. I hadn't expected to get romantically involved with Ron..with anyone for that matter. But he was quietly just there, first as a playmate and companion, then as an actual date to various things for a while (though I told him it wasn't going to go anywhere hahahaha!!!) and then, finally as a relationship partner. But even then, I was guarded and hesitant, and told him I just wasn't sure. He didn't push, didn't argue, didn't do anything other than just quietly be there, letting me know that there was no rush, he wasn't going anywhere, he was just happy we were together in whatever capacity.

We had been together, seriously together, for about 6 months. I knew his Mom wasn't doing well physically, he'd gone up (NY State) to see her, it was only a matter of time. He came back quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting together on the couch, and he started talking, but immediately broke down. He pulled back and apologized profusely and tried to stifle his emotion. I told him it was OK, to feel whatever he felt and let it out. He looked at me for a long minute, and then his eyes filled up with tears, and he lay his head down on me, and just sobbed while I held him.

He told me later that the relief was enormous, told me how liberating it was that he could be that completely raw and not feel judged, and just feel safe. It hit me then that he'd probably been stifled his emotionality other times too, believing that I'd think less of him. He'd been told by his ex that he was "too emotional" and he didn't want to be judged for that. I reassured him that it only endeared him to me more that he could feel deeply, the same way I did. (He'd already seen me cry numerous times over minor things, and had always just held me and told me it was going to be ok, so he certainly knew how emotional *I* was by that point!!) After that reassurance, he became very open about his emotions around me, and we've also cried together about things a few times now.

I call him "my tough guy" because he often looks the part, but really he's just a big ole' teddy bear. :love_heart:
View attachment 64949

That’s great that your entire family understands how you are. There’s nothing quite as liberating as feeling accepted by the ones you love. I’m glad you have that.

I do also for the most part. My extended family are very supportive of how I am. It hasn’t always been that way however I understand that. I’m not an easy read.


Isn’t it said that the best time to meet someone is when you aren’t looking?
I think it’s important to find yourself again before committing to another relationship so good for you. Plus finding someone at a place doing the things you love is perfect. The way he stayed patient and waited for you to warm up to him was smart on his part. A true gentleman. Even reading your story gave me butterflies.


Then when I read the next paragraph I got all watery eyed. How adorable. That must have been the turning point in your relationship where things progressed into ‘committed couple status.’ Isn’t it funny that women love to see that side of men yet other men crucify each other for such behaviour. I truly feel deep compassion for sensitive men who feel this deep.


It’s well known and accepted that women can be over emotional. (I’d like to qualify that not all women are.)
Some aren’t the least bit emotional. My mother isn’t. On the emotionally scale, she is on the emotional ‘emotionally deficient’ side. We are on complete opposite sides of the scale.


It must have been such a great relief to him. You became his safe place to land and there’s nothing more special than that in life. There’s also nothing more beautiful and liberating than finding someone who accepts you just as you are.


That was truly beautiful to read Ronni.
You were made for each other.

 

[Keesha]

Hmmmm.....more insightful, thought provoking content here....wow.

I have dealt with my share of PTSD. Was severely affected by it, and had to be medicated for it for several years, first as a result of my marriage, and then when my son spiraled down into full blown addiction. I was barely functional. Shut down a lot of the time. Was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med for my chronic state, taken once a day, and then Xanax for severe triggers that shut me down completely, so that I could at least function enough to get home, or get moving. The panic attacks as a result of the PTDS were awful. A full-on attack of physiological symptoms that culminated in feeling that I was going to die. Couldn't breathe, heart pounding so hard I felt that it was going to burst out of my chest...just awful.

Did I go through a period of arrested emotions? I don't think I did. MY problem was I felt every single one of my emotions way too deeply to be able to function through them a lot of the time.

I'm not medicated now. My son has been in recovery for almost 5 years....the longest stretch in his 20 years of addiction. I have hope that he will remain in recovery. "Just for today" is my daily mantra. I also have hope that with the very hard work I've done on myself, I will be able to maintain better now than I did before, if he does relapse. I monitor my own emotional recovery closely because I don't want to ever return to that awful emotional state if I can help it.

I think you'e an amazing person Keesha. :love_heart:

I read about your past relationship on some of your other threads and felt that tug of resemblance. Your ordeal with PTSD was how I was years ago from extreme traumatic events where I became so mentally disabled I was catatonic ( from shock not from schizophrenia) and unable to function. This was the point when I needed medication.


Since I’m a follower of a holistic lifestyle conventional medicine isn’t something that I’m normally open to but this was paralyzing and I needed additional help.


Did you go through emotional arrest?
I’m not the one with the degree in psychology, Shalimar is, but I think , and I’m not sure, so maybe Shalimar could clarify for us, that emotion arrest is from early childhood trauma.

People who experience too much trauma at an early stage in life don’t mature emotionally the same as people who aren’t. That’s my understanding but I could be wrong. It would explain a lot though. Lol.


Having an addicted child must be very stressful. I’ve watched many shows on television about interventions for loved ones who are addicted and it’s heavy stuff.


You’re a strong brave women Ronni. A friend reminds me that ‘it takes strength and inner courage to be your authentic self’ and you do you with flying colours. You let your light shine bright as you should.


You are an amazing person also Ronni :love_heart:
Thank you for always sharing your authentic self with us.

 

[Shalimar]

Keesha, you are correct, children who experience severe and prolonged trauma lack the opportunity to develop a full arsenal of healthy emotions. For many, being emotionally numb is the best coping mechanism to survive unimaginable horror. As adults, much of this can be overcome, bur residual trauma will always remain to some degree. Also, such children never feel they truly belong anywhere, least of all inside their own skin. We feel largely invisible, and regardless of our accomplishments, never quite good enough.

 

[Keesha]

Keesha, you are correct, children who experience severe and prolonged trauma lack the opportunity to develop a full arsenal of healthy emotions. For many, being emotionally numb is the best coping mechanism to survive unimaginable horror. As adults, much of this can be overcome, bur residual trauma will always remain to some degree. Also, such children never feel they truly belong anywhere, least of all inside their own skin. We feel largely invisible, and regardless of our accomplishments, never quite good enough.

Thank you for clarifying that. :love_heart:

 

[Nihil]

Also, such children never feel they truly belong anywhere

I'm always alone.

 

[Shalimar]

Keesha, you are most welcome.

 

[Keesha]

I'm always alone.

No you’re not Nihil. There are more people here who understand you , more than you will ever know but I DO understand how you feel to a certain degree.

 

[Keesha]

Deleted.

 

[Keesha]

Shalimar. Do you think people are born sensitive or do you think they are created that way through life experiences?

 

[Nihil]

Shalimar. Do you think people are born sensitive or do you think they are created that way through life experiences?

I know I was born this way. It's a condition that exacerbates itself.

 

[Keesha]

I know I was born this way. It's a condition that exacerbates itself.

Yes it can BUT there certainly is a positive side. Our embellished inner world works perfectly for us. Not many people have this privilege. There are always pros and cons to everything.
I believe I was born this way but I also ‘think’ certain life experiences can expand or warp the mind beyond the ordinary.

 

[Shalimar]

Shalimar. Do you think people are born sensitive or do you think they are created that way through life experiences?

Nature versus nurture? I believe both contribute. A person can be predisposed to extreme sensitivity even without life experiences. Then there is the puzzle as to when/if at some point, sensitivity crosses the line into pathology. That is almost always caused by trauma.

 

[Keesha]

Nature versus nurture? I believe both contribute. A person can be predisposed to extreme sensitivity even without life experiences. Then there is the puzzle as to when/if at some point, sensitivity crosses the line into pathology. That is almost always caused by trauma.

Thanks. That’s what I thought. My sensitivity definitely crosses over to pathology at times but it is what it is.

 

[maplebeez]

Since getting my Celiac Disease diagnosis & now being diagnosed with Lactose Intolerance, I hear family members telling me I'm being too emotional, or too dramatic. Because they don't consider auto-immune disorders, real illnesses. They insist my "pickiness" with food is a cry for attention & switching to lactose-free dairy substitutes, as advised by the nutritionist, is unhealthy. And sadly they refuse to accept the fact that Celiac & Lactose Intolerance are genetic disorders, in the DNA we share; which they & their children can develop.

 

[Keesha]

Here is the book that Rosemarie recommended. Its been downloaded for me but here is a free readable copy that I found for any other highly sensitive or overly empathic individuals . The reviews sound positive. Most people found the book helpful to them. Here is the link.

https://books.google.ca/books/about...=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

 

[SeaBreeze]

When you spoke of early memories of feeling deeply for others and defending them, I can relate but I lacked correct assertive skills so it was displayed as aggression and I can relate to my mom not understanding me but she wasn’t the least bit sensitive nor was my father so I was the odd one out.

That’s really nice that you can use your sensitivity in positive ways like that. You’ve reminded me that it is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Love & Compassion.

It’s really a unique bond and can happen with complete strangers. For myself I find it a compliment that someone wishes to tell me about the dog they had to put down or their child with a terminal illness. It’s a communication that feels like it’s done on a mutual soul level that’s felt. Explaining this to people who don’t feel this way is impossible.

The story about the man at the vets would have had me in tears as well. Not only would I be in tears but I’d dwell on it for a few days, wondering how I’d feel if it were one of ours.
This is exactly what I mean by taking on pain more acutely than others. Most people would just think , ‘ oh poor guy’ and move on.

My man and I don’t share empathy the same at all. He doesn’t have the emotional depth to understand at the levels I’m at so can’t relate but he does have compassion and consideration for others and shares the passion & love for animals with me.

At times we are like polar opposites. I’ve often wished he were more sensitive but if he were more like me we’d both be emotionally bankrupt at times and need more tissues. At least that’s how I’m justifying it. Lol

A saying that I’ve often heard but lately has been my favourite motto , is:

Those that care , don’t matter
And those that matter, don’t care.

When it was defending someone as a child, for me there was no aggression at all, I guess I just tried to tell the other kids who were doing the bullying that it wasn't fair and it was hurtful. One case comes to mind about a boy who was obese and was constantly called names, but part of his problem was he had a thyroid condition. I was way too young to understand anything about that, but knew he had a medical problem that he couldn't control and it had little to do with overeating. When I told my mother about what I did in school, she said it was good and those other kids were just being mean. I feel for you that your parents weren't sensitive at all, that must have been very hard for you.

I agree, love and compassion are the greatest gifts you can give...or receive.

I also agree that the communication with people, even strangers about personal things is done on a mutual soul level. I can feel really close when I have a talk like that with someone, reminds me how much we all are the same in so many ways. It's true that those who don't feel it, can't understand it and aren't really interested in such things, we're all different that's for sure, and I understand and accept that.

As far as the pup at the vet, it's true, you do seem to take on pain more acutely or intensely than others. I'm in the middle, the image of seeing that limp dog under that man's arm was in my head all day, but I didn't dwell on it for days. I do always think about the furbabies I have lost, have written a couple of personal poems for a couple of them in honor of their memory, reading them is very emotional for both me and my husband, we rarely do that, but frequently think of our beloved pets who are no longer with us. They never leave our hearts.

I'm glad my husband isn't quite as emotional as I am, but like you and your hubby, we both share compassion for others and love for animals. In some other areas that don't involve emotions, we often joke with each other that we're like 'fire and ice'.

I may be dense because I'm not understanding your favorite motto. Unless I'm reading it wrong, shouldn't it be that 'those that care do matter' and 'those that matter do care'?

 

[Seeker]

Been gone a few days and trying to catch up...It's hard for me.

So I'll just jump in..

I think I am overly sensitive to a lot of things but not to the extent of being intense...

I find that I can read in between the lines on most things that others don't see...

As a child I was sensitive to everything, but as I have grown ...I have a much harder shell.

I still see and I still feel, it just doesn't affect me in the same way.

That could be a good thing..or not.:dunno: