Not sure what to do

Bettyann

Bettyann

Senior Member
Location
Denver
I am a 76 yr old senior, live independently. Raised two children on my own. Have 6 grandchildren and a new great granddaughter! My son died 15 yrs ago. My daughter and all her family lives in the same city as I do. I love them all with all my heart.

More and more my family seems to be distancing themselves from me. Even when they pick me up, take me out to eat, they very seldom include me in a conversation. I try to be 'up' and positive, ask them things, and I always, always express my appreciation for anything they ever do for me. When I have hinted that I wish my daughter would call me once in awhile (or that sometimes I just feel totally out of the loop) (not just text occasionally) she becomes very defensive and says its all in my head. I really want to take responsibility. So I feel afraid of upsetting her or her two daughters who are devoted to defending her. Should I just try to adjust to the situation? I want to be a happy content person. I want to stay in there good graces and not upset ANYbody. Truly, they are good people... I just feel they don't care if I am around anymore or not. I apologize for this being so long.
 

I don't think the way we "feel" is ever invalid, or something to try to ignore, or blame ourselves. It's how we feel. It doesn't mean something is true, but yet it could be. I feel out of the loop sometimes, in different situations, and it hurts to feel left out, or unimportant. I try to practice talking to people about it, like you are doing here with us. And then, maybe it will be good to tell your family how you feel, just so you can get it off your chest. I know it doesn't work out well for me, if I expect a positive reply, or reaction, but the way they react is not your fault. You simply shared something you felt, you aren't accusing them, you are just stating how you "feel".

Sometimes people just, don't understand, or can't relate. So come here anytime, there will be people to support you Bettyann, I know there is always good folks around that will know or at least related to what you are dealing with;) hugs, Denise

PS Another thing I am trying to do is find folks in person to hang with, I'm 61, and been very isolated, my own choosing. But now I am getting out more, really trying;) Maybe you and I will get so busy we might have to tell the fam that we have other plans and that we love them and will take a raincheck;)
 
My three children are each different. I only live close to my daughter, and we see each other; depending on her work schedule. Sometimes, we see each other every weekend; and sometimes it is a month or two in between. She is always busy and stressed with her job; so when she is not working, she needs to either catch up on her rest; or just get out and do something to relieve her mind.
My oldest son barely calls on birthdays, or holidays; while the younger one calls to just say hello, and tell me he loves me. We both have iPads, and he takes me on "virtual tours" of his yard and garden.
Kids are all just different; and usually, I have found that trying to talk about it only makes them defensive, or pushes them even further away.
If they are busy, then what seems to them like including you enough, might not seem like it to you if you are just home waiting for that call and invitation to dinner; so a lot of it is perspective. Not that either you, or they, are at fault.

Bettyann, I totally agree with Denise, that finding more things to do and occupy your time will help, as will meeting people and making some new friends , whether on line or in person.
Amazingly, Denise and I have been chatting, and we have found that, at different times in our lives, we lived very close to the same areas of the United States, and have enjoyed the same hobbies, and even both chose the same kind of vehicle !
We only know each other from the forum, but I now feel like Denise is almost a long-lost sister.......strange, but true.
 

Bettyann, Denise is right. I too feel as you do, and it is the very reason I joined this forum. All of the members have helped me realize that I must help myself. I was so depressed, and then our son, who had been living with us for the last five years to help us with our farm died.

These people helped me through one of the worst times in my life.

The rest of our family act as if we are a burden, and they resent us for saying we are lonely, or need help. When we arranged for the neighbors to help out with the yard work, so they wouldn't have too, they just got angrier.
So now they are even more distant.

We can't change our family, but we can change ourselves. I know what I've said doesn't fix your problem, but maybe it will help you see that your not alone. You are more than welcome here.
Stay awhile, and see if we can help you feel less alone. My name is Ina, and I'm in Texas.
 
Okay, Kaya, you first. I'll volunteer to be your family. Should I be your sister or your aunt or your mom? I have five sisters so adding one more would be fine! BTW, I'm Gramma in Georgia.

Bettyann, I understand. Really, I do. But what to do about it? I don't know. When family members act annoyed with me or I feel left out or just feel like all I am is tolerated, I do my darnedest to excuse myself/remove myself at the first possible opportunity. Sometimes I feel like they know exactly what they're doing; sometimes they're clueless.

The only "friends" I have here are my clients, so they aren't really friends, but they're nice people and nice to me (yeah! who on earth is foolish enough to tick off the cleaning lady? LOL) so at least I usually have somebody to talk to even if only for a few minutes each day.

My best comfort for loneliness? My kitty:)
 
Oh Me and oh my....I am sitting here crying...just because it feels so good to have you good people understand...and yet you DO, and I SO LOVE the things you pointed out...and I would hear (inside me)...yes, that is right...you know that is right... THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH...sending love and a hug to all of you...and if any of you others want to add more...please do. Wow... its so wonderful to have people understand.
Bettyann
 
OK Bettyann, You just stick around, and we will have you thinking that you have known us forever. I think each and every one of these people are angels. I spend a lot of my time here. Sometimes I'm Chatty Cathy, sometimes I just read what everyone is saying, depending on how I feel. Welcome to our family!!! :dontworry::grin::bighug:
 
Bettyann, cyber-friends are the best! I have some that I've been friends with since 2002 when I first got on line; two of them are in Canada. A really good thing about cyber-friends is that we can tell each other things that we wouldn't dream of mentioning to family or to friends in RL. They're always there ready to "listen" to us vent and join us when we're happy or sad or downright depressed, they don't judge and very often have the answers we're looking for because they've BTDT.

Another nice thing is that like in the "olden days" (when we were all much younger LOL) and were thrilled to get a letter in the mail, it's fun to get an email or see a response to a post here.

This forum literally "connects" me with people I probably would never have known otherwise.
 
Okay, then. I have Julie, Michele, MaryJo, Christy, Linda and Kaya. Six sisters:) Julie's the "baby" at 55; I'm the oldest at 73. Where do I put you in the mix, Kaya?
 
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things have changed since then. my family stuck together. all of us. so i was lucky. my wife's parents are treated like lepers by their family. always ignored. pushed away. same ole story. we're to busy right now. i made certain they knew my home was open to them anytime.
 
Bettyann said:
I am a 76 yr old senior, live independently. Raised two children on my own. Have 6 grandchildren and a new great granddaughter! My son died 15 yrs ago. My daughter and all her family lives in the same city as I do. I love them all with all my heart.

More and more my family seems to be distancing themselves from me. Even when they pick me up, take me out to eat, they very seldom include me in a conversation. I try to be 'up' and positive, ask them things, and I always, always express my appreciation for anything they ever do for me. When I have hinted that I wish my daughter would call me once in awhile (or that sometimes I just feel totally out of the loop) (not just text occasionally) she becomes very defensive and says its all in my head. I really want to take responsibility. So I feel afraid of upsetting her or her two daughters who are devoted to defending her. Should I just try to adjust to the situation? I want to be a happy content person. I want to stay in there good graces and not upset ANYbody. Truly, they are good people... I just feel they don't care if I am around anymore or not. I apologize for this being so long.
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Hello Bettyann, welcome to the forum, very nice to have you here with us! :welcome: My sincere sympathy for the loss of your son, and congratulations on your new great granddaughter.

I didn't call my mother nearly as much as she would have liked when she was alive, only a couple of times a year really, as we lived in different states. Only after her death, did I regret not having more contact with her besides occasional phone calls, and greeting cards.

One thing you should keep in mind is that you're not alone. Many times children get so involved with their own lives, that they drift away from their mothers. When they have young babies that need to be looked after, they may be more interested in your presence...but once everyone's on their own, doing their own thing, they are too self-involved.

Another thing I may suggest, is it's not about you. You don't need to change anything about yourself, being upbeat, etc. It's about your daughter, and her girls, they are wrapped up in their own interests, and are giving you a 'back seat'...nothing you're doing wrong, and not much you can do to change it.

I wouldn't even dwell on it very much if I were you, and bringing it up in conversation will many times just put them on the defensive immediately. Part of that defensive reaction is related to guilt they're feeling deep down inside, that they don't want to address or do anything about.

I agree with a couple of others here like Nwlady and Happyflowerlady. You should definitely have more contact with friends and other people outside of your daughter's family. You deserve to move away from this for awhile, and gain new perspective. You can find some pleasure and contentment outside of the family for now. I think you should focus on your own happiness now, and not so much in pleasing others...you won't regret it.

Also, you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps if your daughter sees that you are involved with some other people, and doing things on your own, she'll get a bit curious (or jealous), and have a change of heart in her relationship with you.

Always caring folks here to chat with too, so please make yourself at home among friends. :love_heart:
 
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Ok. Add Ina. You'll fit in nicely between Linda and MaryJo.

Maybe we should all just be Bettyann's sisters...that way I won't have to be the big sister anymore. And she'll have all of us.

Bettyann, I think Sea's got it right. Our kids just get caught up in their own lives and don't really forget about us; they just have life on their minds. It's not us; it's them. When I was still raising kids, now that I think about it, I didn't spend nearly as much time with my own mother as she'd have liked.
 
Hi Bettyann. Come join our family. I'm the same age as you but my three kids, although they are scattered all over the country, are so good to us. I can't help but feel your pain as I read your post.

tell you what......come join my wife's family. Her folks had fifteen kids so one more won't make a bit of difference. The picture I have enclosed is just some of them. Sadly, we lost quite a few, but they were a good Christian farming family.
 

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Hey there Pappy! Thank you! You sound so kind and your family equally so. I don't want anyone to be mistaken that my family isn't good to me... a lot of what I am going through is 'my own problems' I have to work through. I get to feeling very sorry for myself for asundried (and sometimes unnecessary) reasons... Its ME I have to work on...not them... :) I LOVE the picture your posted!!
 
Bettyann, I had that problem with my parents when I lived far from them and I wanted to visit them and spend the weekends with them but my son was younger and it was big chore for him. He waited for the weekends so he could play with his friends! I think we just need to find people our age who are riding on the same wave to talk to and have fun with.
 
I am having issues with the daughter that I am closest to as well-but the reason is,unfortunately,much more scandalous. This is the only one of my 3 daughters that lives here in my town (my son does as well). We have always been very,very close and she and her husband and their friends were all our closest friends. Some of their friends are closer to our age but none as old as us (63 and 65).

My daughter`s house is the "go to" house-pretty much a getogether there every single weekend,and we were always included. Then,back in Dec.,I had stopped by the house while I was in town to check my Facebook messages. I was waiting for a response to an important message I had sent to one of my sisters. I clicked on the FB icon on her laptop and it automatically came up to her page. I was ready to log out when a message popped up.

The name was one I knew well-it was my husband`s best friend. It surprised me and I looked at the message. I so wish I hadn`t. They were having a conversation on their phones and it was obvious that an affair was in the making. I have never been so shocked in my life-both at the thought that this daughter would EVER step outside her marriage and as mch,if not more so,with who.Her dad`s best friend??!!?? Unbelievable. Not to mention,he and his wife have been married since they were teenagers,they are now 50 and anyone in town would say they have a rock solid marriage.

I guess you just never know,do you. I thought my daughter`s marriage was rock solid as well. Anyway,I couldn`t not tell her what I had seen. My immediate freak out was that the kids were all home,it was Christmas vacation. She was out working. Any one the kids could have very well gone on that computer and seen what I saw. It was everything I could do to not throw it on the floor and break it for fear they would see it. Anyway,later that day I asked her to go for a car ride with me to "look at a house." I told her what I saw. She got soooo mad at me-said I was snooping. Heck-I had no clue in the world that there would ever be any reason to snoop!

Anyway,it has really put a wedge between us. She rarely asks us to come down anymore,although we do still usually talk on the phone,if not daily,at least 4-5 times a week. The weird thing is,"the guy" is frequently there when we are with her-at grandson`s baseball and basketball games and such. He has always been involved with the school sports but has never sat with us before-now he always does. His wife does as well but it`s just icky.

I did tell hubby what was up and he has very little to do with his friend anymore. I know his friend can`t figure it out-I know my daughter didn`t tell him that I know. You can almost feel him squirming when he is around us because he doesn`t know what to think. That`s fine with me. I really have no idea what their current status is and I absolutely do not want to know. But it sure has put a wedge between my daughter and I.
 
Mrs. Robinson, Ouch!!! You are in a sticky place. There are a lot of ways your issue can go. Most of all you want to keep your daughter. I'm sure that's a given. And it sounds like your daughter has had a special bond with you. Can you put yourself in her shoes? She just watch herself come down in your eyes. She probably wants to hide a bit. She might feel as if she has shamed herself.
From what I gathered, you found out about something that hasn't happened yet. Give your daughter some space, and time. I'm sure just you knowing what could be happening, or maybe not be happening, is hurting her. Your knowledge of the situation of course must be hurting her. None of us want to be ashamed of ourselves in front of a parent. Let her be the one to bring up the subject, or drop it.
The important thing here is salvaging your relationship with the daughter you so love. Tell her you love her no matter what, and that you respect that "the issue" is hers to do or not do. That you'll be there for her, no matter what.
Support your relationship with your daughter, and let her know, that to you, that is the most important thing.
We all have to live our own lives, and make our own mistakes.
I know I'm not saying this right. But NOTHING is worth loosing a child over. :bighug:
 
Hi Ina,
I cannot come up with the latest post you wrote on this thread to me! Dagnabbit...I read part of it, then someone stopped by my coffee shop table and I shut down the laptop for a bit....now its gone, but I want to respond to what I remember reading of it.
Oh my GOD NO... lose my daughter...?? ARE you kidding?? That will never happen! I now regret writing the post... as I said, I want to take responsibility... and as a couple of people said, very often we all do things without even realizing we may be hurting the other person. We all go through 'spells' in which our imagination gets waaaaay too much of a free reign...
and the part that I know I need to take to heart ...and WORK on it ... is keeping myself more busy... less time to sulk and sit on Ye Olde Pity Potte....:) I know this. Besides, we create our own reality... and that always leaves the goods at our own doors....so anyhoo... Thanks, Ina!:eek:
 
Ina said:
Mrs. Robinson, Ouch!!! You are in a sticky place. There are a lot of ways your issue can go. Most of all you want to keep your daughter. I'm sure that's a given. And it sounds like your daughter has had a special bond with you. Can you put yourself in her shoes? She just watch herself come down in your eyes. She probably wants to hide a bit. She might feel as if she has shamed herself.
From what I gathered, you found out about something that hasn't happened yet. Give your daughter some space, and time. I'm sure just you knowing what could be happening, or maybe not be happening, is hurting her. Your knowledge of the situation of course must be hurting her. None of us want to be ashamed of ourselves in front of a parent. Let her be the one to bring up the subject, or drop it.
The important thing here is salvaging your relationship with the daughter you so love. Tell her you love her no matter what, and that you respect that "the issue" is hers to do or not do. That you'll be there for her, no matter what.
Support your relationship with your daughter, and let her know, that to you, that is the most important thing.
We all have to live our own lives, and make our own mistakes.
I know I'm not saying this right. But NOTHING is worth loosing a child over. :bighug:
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Thank you,Ina. Everything you said is spot on. I KNOW she feels terribly guilty and is on the defensive. So I have not brought it up onc since the day I found out and talked to her. Things seem absolutely fine between her and her hubby-but then they seemed completely fine before. My big issue with all of this? My grandkids. This would devastate them if they found out. Especially my 22 and 18 year old grandsons. They have such love and respect for their parents that I know they would be very,very hurt and disappointed-and that`s putting it mildly. I really do think it`s over (out of fear of being caught if nothing else) but then I wonder why the guy is still around all.the.time. Before this happened,he was almost never around-they ran in different circles. Now all of sudden,they are the best of friends. Ugh.
 
And I`m sorry Bettyann-didn`t mean to hijack your thread and confuse you. Just saying I understand what it`s like to have your kids exclude you.
 

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