My husband retired - I'm so depressed!

B

babs75

New Member
My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
 

Oh, Babs, you have my sympathy. As the saying goes, "I married him for better or worse, but not for retirement."

My grandfather retired early and almost drove my grandmother insane. He no longer had anyone to supervise, so he supervised her. She had been doing housework and cooking and laundry for many, many years but now wasn't doing them correctly. The carpet wasn't being swept in the correct direction, the dishes weren't being stacked correctly or put away correctly and the laundry....well...you get the picture. I think men just need to supervise; it's in their genes.

Can you get him to join a men's club or volunteer somewhere where he can be "in charge" of something?
 
Welcome to Senior Forums.

I really don't mean to come across as crass here, but I probably will. Aside from the money issue these things seem like petty issues that should have been ironed out long ago, especially in a 41 year marriage. You had to know this time was coming and it appears neither of you prepared for it. I don't see all the blame being on either side, to me you both could give a little to make things easier.
 

Too many years of walking on pins and needles here. I gave up long ago. He is as stubborn as they come and my son and his wife had NO idea what he was like until they moved in with us a couple years ago for a few months when they were shopping for a house. I do what ever I do to keep his anger down even if it means sacrificing myself. Monthly counseling helps me a lot. Sorry I spoke up.
 
aww a little Harsh Jim.. be kinder to our new member.. :)

welcome Babs...

I have no suggestions for you, I'm in the process of finding this out for myself at the moment.. my husband is still working full time, but as he's approaching his 6oth Birthday he's cut back on his VERY HEAVY workload, and having more days off.. he deserves everyone of them, but I am having real trouble with his annoying ways at home..always been there but got soooo much worse lately , and now I hate to say it but I'm beginning to dread him having any time off, because he spoils the day with his pedantry and his constant need to know where I am (even in the house) ..and so much more things that are irritating me.. ..so if you find an answer to this let me know..
 
Yeah, that "in the house" thing. I don't understand it. Like I said, the sewing and crafting have gone by the wayside pretty much unless it's knitting in front of the TV (and I have a one year old granddaughter who I starting sewing for a year ago!) because that room is upstairs as is my work from home office. If he's there and I'm upstairs, I get the 'what are you doing???' "Uh, sewing!" I feel trapped sometimes like I'm not even able to move about my own house. That why, when he's gone camping, it's like Ferris Bueller's day off because I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. To make matters worse, I am the guardian and conservator for my 93 year old father because none of my other siblings would do it. Guess I drew the short straw. Dad does not live with us and luckily he can afford the use of a care manager and caregivers to help but I am there every Saturday afternoon. Hubby hates it so I know better than to discuss with him. I do not wish this guardianship thing on anyone. It is a lot of work. I am going to petition the court this fall to allow me to move him to assisted living. He shouldn't be in his house anymore. If I am not allowed to move him, I will probably request a private guardian.
 
Babs

I understand what you are going thru. My situation is sort of similar to yours. I am still working and my husband was let go from his job in March. He is only 60 and has no intention of going back to work. For all intents and purposes he considers himself retired. He used to work every other weekend and I had them all to myself to do the things I wanted to when I wanted. Now, he is there all the time and I have to compromise on everything. I don't think it would bother me so much if it hadn't have happened so suddenly. This is not how we planned our entry into retirement. All of a sudden our income was cut in half and we had to scramble to make that money stretch.

I had to smile at your description of the TV remote. It's the same at my house. He views the remotes as his territory. My husband is also on the controlling side like yours is.

What I have had to do is learn to speak up. When I want to watch something, I let him know. If I need my alone time, I just let him know in a nice way. I am discussing things with him more now than I used to and that's a good thing.

I'm starting to see the good things that can happen when your husband retires. We are going on bike rides together, he usually has taken care of dinner for me when I come home, he is doing projects around the acreage that have been sitting there for years. I hope you will eventually discover good things also. It is a work in progress.

Good luck!!
 
babs75 said:
Too many years of walking on pins and needles here. I gave up long ago. He is as stubborn as they come and my son and his wife had NO idea what he was like until they moved in with us a couple years ago for a few months when they were shopping for a house. I do what ever I do to keep his anger down even if it means sacrificing myself. Monthly counseling helps me a lot. Sorry I spoke up.
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No need to be sorry. It does sound like there are deeper problems than who has control of the remote. I don't think the answers to someone's anger control issues are going to be found on a discussion board. I'm sorry you're having these problems.
 
Babs, life is too short to live with a controlling person. My sister was in the same position as you. I told her to quit being a doormat to him or anyone who tries to control you. Tell him you have had enough. Either he changes or you are taking half and going your own way.

My sister did just that. He tried for a few weeks and then went right back to his old ways. She finally left him and her whole demeanor has lifted. She is so happy now. God didn’t create you to be miserable and controlled by someone!

Good luck.
 
My favorite line when he starts getting too controlling and bossy with me is "you need to quit worrying about me so much." That usually quiets him down. I am very self sufficient and hate being fussed over. I actually suggested separate vacations the other day. He didn't like that so much as I never want to vacation anyway. We do a lot of camping but the rest of it just costs too much and we don't have the money for that. We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids. He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it. Something that's been 'discussed' for a long, long time but I lost the battle on that one. He doesn't care about the money thing. He'd be happy in a tent.
 
Uptosnuff said:
Babs

I understand what you are going thru. My situation is sort of similar to yours. I am still working and my husband was let go from his job in March. He is only 60 and has no intention of going back to work. For all intents and purposes he considers himself retired. He used to work every other weekend and I had them all to myself to do the things I wanted to when I wanted. Now, he is there all the time and I have to compromise on everything. I don't think it would bother me so much if it hadn't have happened so suddenly. This is not how we planned our entry into retirement. All of a sudden our income was cut in half and we had to scramble to make that money stretch.

I had to smile at your description of the TV remote. It's the same at my house. He views the remotes as his territory. My husband is also on the controlling side like yours is.

What I have had to do is learn to speak up. When I want to watch something, I let him know. If I need my alone time, I just let him know in a nice way. I am discussing things with him more now than I used to and that's a good thing.

I'm starting to see the good things that can happen when your husband retires. We are going on bike rides together, he usually has taken care of dinner for me when I come home, he is doing projects around the acreage that have been sitting there for years. I hope you will eventually discover good things also. It is a work in progress.

Good luck!!
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Babs...listen to "Uptosnuff"...to add to this, we retired last year after selling a business. My husband takes interest in little things around the house he didn't used to give a flying fig about...so, thought about it and now I give him "chores" sometimes, nicely ask him if he really would like to do such and such wen he gets the chance, mostly things I don't want to do...lol. Most folks probably have lots of stuff they've put off doing around the house and/or have regular chores that need done. He now helps me with those and its great.

Can you get another TV and your own "remote"? We have 2 tv's and sometimes get together at the big screen (where he has the remote...lol) and watch something, but having your own tv to look forward to your own programs is priceless, its part of carving out your own privacy enjoyment boundries. Learning how to retire takes time and there is a period of adjustment for even the best of married couples. My advice is, you seem to be a smart lady...turn that "stumbling block" into a "stepping stone"! Welcome to the forum.
 
We have several other TV's but then I have to pick up my laptop, knitting, water, etc and move to the next room. Sometimes I just fire up my laptop (we have streaming TV), put in my earbuds, and watch in my lap. Of course, then I get many comments about how much time I'm on the computer too even though I'm right there in the same room (my husband hates the computer - barely knows how to turn it on - but I am a data analyst for a living so the computer is my life). So I always tell him that if he gives up the remote, I'll turn off the computer. He usually falls asleep between 8:30 and 9:00 in front of the TV so I have the Roku app on my phone and I change the channel and then he immediately wakes up grabs his remote, changes it back to his channel and promptly falls asleep again. LOL. Can't win. Gotta learn to let a lot of this go in one ear and out the other but after this many years, gets a bit tiring...............
 
Hi Babs, welcome! I don't blame your husband for wanting to retire from his job, I retired at an earlier age than he did, we both retired around the same time. It sounds like you've been together for a long time, so he must have some good qualities. He likely always commented on things you did or didn't do, and it hasn't separated you yet. You probably just learned to ignore him.

I'd try not to get so upset over this if I were you, try to work out some things with him, it's unrealistic to think that everything will suddenly change now that he's no longer working. Like Jim suggested above, with a little more give and take on both sides, things may smooth out over time. Take a deep breath, it doesn't seem all that bad to me. Good luck to both of you! :)
 
babs75 said:
We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids. He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it.
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41 years together and that is the kind of life you live? Sounds like you expect to be destitute & depending on Soc. Sec.

Would still like to know what you would advise another woman to do if she had your lifestyle.
 
I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years. Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids. I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off. I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.
 
I get this babs ----- mine retired like yours can row in a empty room ' wasnt like it before ' but sure is now ' short temper syndrome,
he does DIY but seems hes king of the road doing it so I say u get on with it ' -think now -deep down they think they are worthless '
I find I have little conversation so have my own hobbies.. but no way let him take control of your life !!
 
babs75 said:
I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years. Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids. I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off. I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.
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It would be tough to live with someone like that, so I do feel for you. I hope he's just verbally abusive, a little bit easier to ignore than physical abuse. You do seem like you have a lot on your plate, and being put down like that all the time has to have a major negative effect on your happiness and self esteem. :(
 
You know what? I'm not going to blow 8 years of sobriety over this. I drank all those years for a reason. And if there's anyone here in the program, they know what I mean. Constantly told I'm not as much fun as I was when I drank. Too much good stuff going on.
 
I can feel for you babs my husband retired at a very young age 48 due to a back injury / major surgery ...wait till he starts following you to the supermarket to “help you “with the grocery shopping and of course the extra costs of shopping due to the extras they WANT like chips,and sweets
I never get to go shopping by myself he either has to drive me there ( I have my own car)
Or come with me because the groceries might be to heavy for me
 
babs75 said:
...We don't have enough retirement, we WILL run out of money, and I don't be a burden on my kids. He has already cashed in $20,000 in stock last spring without me knowing and plans on building a shop next year on our property 2 hours north of here which will take another $60,000 from retirement plus we have to pay taxes on it. Something that's been 'discussed' for a long, long time but I lost the battle on that one. He doesn't care about the money thing. He'd be happy in a tent.
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If he would be happy in a tent then why is he using 60k from your retirement account to build himself a shop?? And you're going to pay his taxes on it??

And what's the extra 20k he took w/o your knowledge going to be used for? Your stocks are in a shared account? "He doesn't care about money"?

He's definitely controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. He doesnt even want you to spend one day a week with your 93 yr old father? So So So many many red flags. I can understand why you're depressed. I think I read you're seeing a therapist? Is that helping?
 


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