My husband retired - I'm so depressed!

It sounds like babs75 is trapped and that is not marriage and that is not even friendship. I would suggest packing her bags and live her remaining years as she felt but after accepting the terms of her entrapment she describes for 40+ years I can't help but think there is more to be told about this "marriage".
 

I say give the guy some time to adjust to his new routine, while planning your escape in case you find yourself saying, "I can't stand this anymore" more than once or twice a week.
 
Babs, it sounds as he's always been a drag on your happiness and you expect this to continue to worsen over time. Your kids are probably also tired of dealing with the family dysfunction. Ask them how they'd feel about you leaving him - you might be surprised.

You haven't mentioned a single positive about him or your relationship. So what's the payoff/reason that you stay? (There's always a payoff.) Can't be money because you are resigned to your savings evaporating before your very eyes.

How awful would it be to sell the house, split the assets (while there still are some), get yourself an apartment, condo, or small house with your own TV and remote control in the living room, and enjoy your life?

I once asked a friend who's a divorce attorney how he could tolerate such a bitter, emotionally contentious field of the law. He told me that everyone is entitled to a peaceful life. Although it can be a rough road getting there, he helps people find their way to that peace. A beautiful way to look at it.
 
He took the $20,000 out in stocks to put a well in up on our property so we don't have to haul water anymore up to our property 2 hours north of here. So far, it has come out less than that (they didn't have to drill down as far as they thought but $20,000 was the number we were originally quoted) but we'll need to pay taxes on that money anyway.
 
He did it behind my back. We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it. He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise. He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge. This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it. He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.
 
babs75 said:
He did it behind my back. We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it. He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise. He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge. This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it. He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.
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So what are you going to do now, Babs?
 
babs75 said:
He did it behind my back. We were supposed to meet with our tax guy first and he didn't do it. He was going to look over our situation when my husband retired to tell us the best way to go taxwise. He went straight to our financial planner and took it without my knowledge. This is the same person that single handedly drained an entire savings account of $30,000 over several years by constantly taking money here and there out of it. He does not have access to our current account or we would not have any money in it.
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He does it behind your back because he knows you won't approve and he doesn't care whether you do or not.

As someone who has been where you are, I can tell you that he won't stop until there's no more money left. Be very careful that he does not take cash out on credit cards, because that's the next step.

I don't know what state you are in or whether or not it is a community property state, but I would strongly suggest you find out in a hurry. The good news is that in a community property state all assets acquired during a marriage are community property; the BAD news is that so are debts. I actually had to put a mortgage on my house (it was my sole and separate property before we were married) to pay off debts he had incurred or wind up in involuntary bankruptcy with him. If I hadn't done that I could have lost my house in the mess he had created. It took me close to 20 years to disentangle myself from all his debt, and it was a hard, long slog. You don't want to go down that road, believe me.
 
Um....he resents that you spend Saturdays with your dad? Your elderly dad who has dementia? What? There are seven days in the week. You spend ONE of them with your dad. ONE. There's something wrong with this picture (aside from all the other things that have been mentioned). You may want to make a list of pros and cons and sit down with your counselor to discuss them and whether you can realistically do anything about the cons. Life is too short to be unhappy, to feel trapped and browbeaten and anxious. It sounds as though you spend all day every day waiting for the other shoe to drop.
 
He does not feel I pay enough attention to HIM. That's the dad problem. "Everything is always about your dad." "Your dad is calling AGAIN." And on it goes. The guardianship/conservatorship takes a fair amount of time. I have a full life. A full time job, trips to the gym 4 times a week, dad on Saturday, errands somewhere during all of that, maybe some sewing sometimes, a dog, and a beautiful granddaughter. And no, doesn't always leave time for him but you know what? He's all grown up and I need some time for me now.

Nope, no community property in my state.
 
Sound like a case of jealousy. You have a full life; he doesn't. And your dad is calling AGAIN? Yeah, old people get lonely. Because he has dementia doesn't make him any less lonely. Heck, your DH sounds so disagreeable that it's hard to imagine wanting to make any time for him! FWIW, you're the only person I ever heard of who dreads WFH days. Maybe your life would be easier if you didn't WFH at all.
 
He gets upset because his grown sons don't like to do anything with him either. I suggested once that possibly he should take a look at why no one wants to hang out with him. He has a pretty short fuse and they joke when he's trying to work on a project and doesn't lose his temper like he usually does. I'm not sure how much your childhood affects how you act as an adult, but he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy. His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried. I suspect he might have been a bit spoiled and doted on as a child being the baby and being the only boy.
 
treeguy64 said:
Welcome! That being said, I am not one to go on, and on, and.....You've suffered long enough. As the song says, "You just slip out the back, Jack, .......Just get yourself free!"
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Just slip out the back Jack
Make a new plan Stan
Don’t need to be coy Roy
Just set yourself free
Hope off the bus Gus
Don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key Lee
And set yourself free

I’m sorry you are going through this
It’s a horrible feeling
I’m glad my husband and I worked things out
He’s a good man
Marriage is sometimes unpredictable
But it comes with the territory

Good luck
 
Oh, absolutely not. I don't like to be dominated at all. I'm extremely independent and I think that's part of the problem. He wants a wife to take care of him, make him feel important, etc. I've never been that way and I'm not going to change now. I hate being fussed over.
 
I have had to learn to pick and choose my battles over the years to keep the peace. But it doesn't mean that I don't hold a lot of stuff inside. It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time. I used to take vacation days during the week to get a day to myself but I can't even do that anymore. I will sum this up for you: He said I used to be a lot more fun when I was drinking. But I will not go back to living like that. The alcohol masked a lot of stuff for a lot of years.

I think I will end the posting here. Thank you for all of your ideas and comments. Interesting, my counselor told me I should leave him too.
 
Welcome Babs. He is not worth blowing your sobriety over at all. Do what you want to and let him adjust or get the hell out!. Don't you have some control over the retirement funds? He should not be able to withdraw money without your consent! I was in alanon for years and helped me a lot when I was dealing with my husband. He never understood why I
babs75 said:
I have had to learn to pick and choose my battles over the years to keep the peace. But it doesn't mean that I don't hold a lot of stuff inside. It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time. I used to take vacation days during the week to get a day to myself but I can't even do that anymore. I will sum this up for you: He said I used to be a lot more fun when I was drinking. But I will not go back to living like that. The alcohol masked a lot of stuff for a lot of years.

I think I will end the posting here. Thank you for all of your ideas and comments. Interesting, my counselor told me I should leave him too. Talk to your lawyer, let him help you salvage what you can of the assets and make a life for yourself!!
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