My husband retired - I'm so depressed!

Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.
 

GeorgiaXplant said:
Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.
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precisely my thoughts all the way through this....!!!
 
GeorgiaXplant said:
Yanno, it doesn't really matter if "there are two sides to every story." None of the comments about how she should change or what she's doing "wrong" or how to "handle" him or what she should do "about" him matter. What matters is how SHE feels. And maybe, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that she can leave him and merely needs a place to vent.
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Okay Dr. Phil.

Apparently the opinions do matter to the op because she asked for everyone's advice in her first post when she said: "What can I do to pull myself out of this?" And the op kept the offers of advice going by answering people's questions. Why are you getting on people for giving advice that the op asked for?
 

JimW said:
Okay Dr. Phil.

Apparently the opinions do matter to the op because she asked for everyone's advice in her first post when she said: "What can I do to pull myself out of this?" If she just wanted to vent, she could have said that, but she didn't. Why are you getting on people for giving advice that the op asked for?
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You're right Jim, I agree to a certain extent ..the OP did ask for opinions... but she asked from her ''truth'' from what SHE is feeling and suffering, and from that she wanted to know what our thoughts were , people who have no vested interest in her life as family and friends might have..... and yes there's always 2 sides to a story..but oftentimes there's not two level playing fields and one person is getting kicked into touch more often than the other..!! I feel that this lady is feeling very put upon, and needs to vent!! Whether she'll take anyone's advice is up to her, but it's not easy to put something like this down in print without being judged and sometimes very harshly.

Get out,!! leave!!!...it's all easy for us to say... if you don't walk away then you're obviously enjoying being a doormat.... not the case... . there's a lot more to take into consideration than most people will be willing to write in public !!

I know from experience, please believe me !!
 
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hollydolly said:
You're right Jim, I agree to a certain extent ..the OP did ask for opinions... but she asked from her ''truth'' from what SHE is feeling and suffering, and from that she wanted to know what our thoughts were , people who have no vested interest in her life as family and friends might have..... and yes there's always 2 sides to a story..but oftentimes there's not two level playing fields and one person is getting kicked into touch more often than the other..!! I feel that this lady is feeling very put upon, and needs to vent!! Whether she'll take anyone's advice is up to her, but it's not easy to put something like this down in print without being judged and sometimes very harshly.

Get out,!! leave!!!...it's all easy for us to say... if you don't walk away then you're obviously enjoying being a doormat.... not the case... . there's a lot more to take into consideration than most people will be willing to write in public !!

I know from experience, please belive me !!
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Holly, I understand what your saying and I agree with everything you're saying, which is why I said this in my second post:

No need to be sorry. It does sound like there are deeper problems than who has control of the remote. I don't think the answers to someone's anger control issues are going to be found on a discussion board. I'm sorry you're having these problems.
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The internet is no place to be searching for this type of advice. Everyone here has a soapbox, but very few are qualified including myself. When someone asks for personal advice on the internet chances are they will get much more than they bargained for.
 
JimW said:
Holly, I understand what your saying and I agree with everything you're saying, which is why I said this in my second post:



The internet is no place to be searching for this type of advice. Everyone here has a soapbox, but very few are qualified including myself. When someone asks for personal advice on the internet chances are they will get much more than they bargained for.
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yes, unfortunately that is true, and it's sad... but it's why so many of us don't give out too much personal information, even tho' we might need to vent sometimes.....
 
sometimes it gets like a pressure cooker 'dont tell family as it can cause trouble ' dont tell friends coz they will stop coming to see u '
and if their marriages are great they would not understand -so she comes on here -talking to strangers is so much easier .
we can only advise her ' sometimes a little help is better than none !
 
Just venting. Fair enough. We all need to do that sometimes.
I think it is better not to take advice on here too seriously. People dont know the full context of your issue. They dont have a third party's view of the problem. By this i mean they havent communicated with the husband in this case.
Just venting. we need to remember that. and not take each others comments to heart. (guilty of it a few times unfort)😕
 
babs75 said:
He does not feel I pay enough attention to HIM....I have a full life. A full time job, trips to the gym 4 times a week, dad on Saturday, errands somewhere during all of that, maybe some sewing sometimes, a dog, and a.. beautiful granddaughter. And no, doesn't always leave time for him but you know what? He's all grown up and I need some time for me now.
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babs75 said:
He gets upset because his grown sons don't like to do anything with him either....he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy. His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried....
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babs75 said:
...I don't like to be dominated at all. I'm extremely independent and I think that's part of the problem. He wants a wife to take care of him, make him feel important, etc. I've never been that way and I'm not going to change now. I hate being fussed over.
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babs75 said:
...It seems to be worse now that he's here all the time...I think I will end the posting here...
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As I always say, it's all about Love. Whether he brought it on himself or not, the fact remains that he lacks Love. He's acting out because he's desperate to be loved. He IS unloved. He probably doesnt love himself.

I don't think you're the one to fix this for him Babs. I would file for separation to set him free so he can find love on his own...and I don't mean a lover. I mean loving others, loving himself, loving God, giving and receiving love in his community. Don't walk away out of anger. Do it for love.

See how separation goes for a year. Once you leave, he should watch that powerful movie, "I Can Only Imagine". It just may change his life.
 
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babs75 said:
... I'm not sure how much your childhood affects how you act as an adult, but he was the youngest of three kids and the only boy. His parents divorced when he was 2 but his mom remarried. I suspect he might have been a bit spoiled and doted on as a child being the baby and being the only boy.
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Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD. The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both.

If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.
 
AnnieA said:
Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD. The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both.

If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.
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Makes me wonder why a benevolent God would afflict people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder if that is what it is. Never understood the concept of only good attributed to God.
 
AnnieA said:
Sounds like a good recipe for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not diagnosing him over the interwebs, but too much or too little attention is usually the background of NPD. The birth order and the divorce might mean he got a bit of both.

If he's got NPD, he's not gonna change.
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Meanderer said:
It is impossible to diagnose complete strangers over the internet.
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Yeppers. That's what "sounds like" "not diagnosing him" "If he's got" means. 🙃
 
Meanderer said:
It is impossible to diagnose complete strangers over the internet.
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True, but I don't think OP is seeking a diagnosis for herself or her husband. Venting is one thing, but she seems to be looking for treatment, therapy, and a solution. An internet forum isn't the place for all that. Lots of people have given advice, but now it's up to OP to either take action or accept the situation.
 
babs75 said:
My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
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Good morning,
I sympathize with you.. I have some of the same issues.....we are both retired and I do several volunteer activities and I work at a few hobbies but I like relax time and hate bing watching the Hallmark channel or silly cooking competitions.
 
Tree guys right on, just slip out the back Jack!
😛
AnnieA said:
He certainly does have the power, but NPDs don't generally want to. They have to give up the control thing for God to change them.
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I agree you have to admit that there’s a problem in order to work toward change.
 
hypochondriac said:
im starting to feel sorry for him. well id like to hear his perspective anyway .
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Excuse my language but why in the HELL would you feel sorry for a controlling, inconsiderate, selfish jerk?! She works all day and can't even relax and enjoy a TV show she wants to watch without getting flack? Plus he gets jealous if she wants to visit her ailing father?! Seriously!!
 
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Can't believe the asinine replies you got from some! While getting advice on a forum is not the same as seeing a therapist, sometimes people who have gone through the same thing you are going through and have successfully worked through it or left the situation can be of some help, even if only providing understanding and empathy. No good person deserves to live the way you are living. I don't know if finances are keeping you there or fear...the "stick with the evil you know" syndrome. I hope you will make decisions that will make your life better and more peaceful.
 

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