My husband retired - I'm so depressed!

So sorry you have to put up with this and I know what you're talking about. Mine died and I now live on social security, but it is so much better than what I had before. No one needs a warden running their life. Maybe he'll mellow out after a while. Mine never appreciated anything anyone did for him yet expected the world to wait on him. Drove us all up a wall.
 

My husband retired a month ago. He is 64-1/2. I am 62. It is really sooner than I would have liked but it's what he wanted. I will continue working. I love my job and make a good living at it. We will not be pulling social security or retirement yet. We are going to try to manage on my salary and our savings. It's depressing to have my income cut in half. We used to live a fairly comfortable life but he has always been a spender. He spends too much money and evidently now thinks that retirement is a vacation. He's upset with me that I've told him he needs to cut back. I've noticed the past month that he gets bored during the day so he goes to the store. I've laid all expenses out on a spreadsheet and we have been able to make a few changes but not nearly enough.

I enjoyed having the house to myself for an hour or so in the morning after he left for work. I would get to watch what news station I wanted to watch and catch up on DVR recordings while getting ready for work (he has control of the remote.....I could watch in another room but I rather like the TV in the family room so I DVR a lot of stuff. He seems to think he can dictate what I watch). Now there's no time to watch my recordings.

He goes to bed earlier than me because of all of those years of going to work at 6 a.m. and I get an hour to myself in the evening to chill. I tend to watch things he doesn't like and he will ALWAYS comment on what station the TV was on when he gets up in the morning so I try to remember to change it before I go to bed. (I do the same thing with the car radio -- eliminates one less thing for him to b*tch about).

I work from home 2 days a week, 3 days in the office, and I cherished those work from home days because I was there by myself where I had peace and quiet. That is all gone. He is always there! With the exception of a few times per summer when he camps up at acreage we have in the forest. Those days are few and far between and they are a vacation for me to be home by myself! He tends to like to control things and thinks he can plan my 2 days off on the weekend.

Sewing and crafting seem to be a thing of the past now. I used to take vacation days from work when he was working just to get things done at home, run errands, time to do what I want to do but I can't even do that anymore. I tried it recently and he seemed to think he could plan my day for me. After 41 years of marriage and trying to keep him happy, this is just getting worse and worse. What can I do to pull myself out of this? I wish he'd go back to work but he has no intention of doing that.
what a lazy bugger! sounds like me. though i do tend to let my wife take charge in the home. Im highly democratic when it comes to responsibility too.😁
 

Well, if yer gonna keep him, the man needs something to do

I suggest some sorta volunteer thing.
In a leadership role
Maybe scouts
They'll drain that control thing like none other
By the time he gets back home, he'll be putty in yer hands

He hasn't broken anything like Irish Wade, has he?
 
Yes, after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad: 1) It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first. I've been back in dad's life for 4-1/2 years. Prior to that, he was married to someone that none of us kids cared for (nor did she like us) so I had little to do with him for 30 years. Fast forward 30 years to when his wife was terminally ill and he needed help getting out (lost his license for better part of 2015 due to medical issues before earning it back by year's end) and I started going on Saturday's. Coming up on a year with the guardianship. But after the guardianship, was legally able to hire caregivers and care manager which has worked out well. He's got dementia and is really social but lives in a dark, dreary house. I think he would do well in a different living situation but refuses to move -- reminders of his wife everywhere in the house. Sore subject with my husband that most of my Saturday's are taken up with dad.
 
After reading all of the posts, one stuck out the most. In your post #4, you talk about “walking on pins and needles” and having to do certain things certain ways to keep his “anger” down.

I don’t think you have a problem. I know you have a problem and he’s the problem.

Over spending and not caring about living conditions are all concerns. I believe that you mentioned that you were seeing a counselor once a month and if that is correct, perhaps you should lay out all of your grievances on the table and seek their advice.

These type of issues are best discussed and maybe reach a plan face to face, rather than seeking a solution from posters.

JMO
 
Welcome, Babs. Sorry to hear of your situation; I have to say that I cannot relate because I am a strong personality and I would have booted "Mr. Bossy" years ago. I would be busy shoring up my finances and plotting my escape.

My husband retired early a couple of years ago at 60; I kind of worried about too much togetherness but it has actually worked out very well for us. For the most part, he does his own thing and I do mine, and we have fun together. My husband is very easy going, thoughtful and kind. After reading your posts, I feel sympathy for you, but I know I would never have put up with such a controlling spouse.

Sorry you are having a hard time but it sounds like you have been putting up with a bad situation for a long time. Don't make the mistake of letting the rest of your life be as miserable. Good luck.
 
Last edited:
I couldn't live like that. No wonder you're depressed. :( Doesn't sound like he cares about anyone but himself, and you're looking at another possible 20-30 years of misery with increasingly depleted savings and retirement income due to his spending.

Don't know of your religious beliefs regarding divorce, but it's something to consider. Following her retirement, my mom (who was a little younger than you at that time) decided to leave my dad who was for most of their marriage emotionally distant and a sulker. She told him because of her religious views toward marriage that she didn't intend to remarry, but wasn't going to live in an emotionally unhealthy environment anymore. That was the best thing she could've done for their marriage ...was a wake up call for him. Thing is you have to be sure you're going to act on it if you get a bad response from him. It can't be a bluff, especially considering his character as you've presented it. And I don't think it will end well as it did in my mom's case. He sounds pretty hopeless. You are at a crossroads. Ask your therapist if there's any hope for meaningful change if you begin to set firm boundaries. If you decide there's not, get out before he spends everything y'all have saved through 41 years.
 
Last edited:
Hi Babs,

View attachment 73947

I feel for you.

Try to get him out of the house. Golf maybe? Does he have any friends he can go have coffee with in the mornings?

Maybe you can find a club he might like, American Legion, Moose, Elks, Shriners, Masons, whatever.

I wish you luck and keep us updated. :)
She’s so darn cute ain’t she.
Yeah... sign him up for card night with the boys on Mondays, bowling for Tuesdays, bingo for Wednesdays, curling 🥌 for Thursdays, pizza buffet Friday and fishing and beer on the weekends. 🤠

That should work🤡
 
I would guess that other women would not have put up with this as long as I have but I never wanted to start over so I've stayed around all these years. Not worth the financial impact or what it would have done to my kids. I've spent all these years just trying to keep the peace, doing whatever I can to eliminate doing things that I know he will make 'comments' about (the constant 'digs' grate on a person after awhile) and then of course, I get mad at myself when I didn't catch a situation that sends him off. I love waking up in the morning, staggering down to the kitchen for coffee and immediately getting called out because I didn't load the dishwasher correctly.

Babs, you mention the "financial impact," but if he is draining your savings and retirement accounts, that will also have a great financial impact. Perhaps you should consider which will be the worse impact.

Also, living with this guy the way you're describing it can't be doing your own health and sanity any good. I would really sit down and consider whether I was willing to go through the rest of my life like this or not. And it will get worse when you do retire and this goes on 24/7.

I know what I would do were I in your shoes.
 
Babs, your post made me feel so sad. It sounds to me as if you're the one that is going to have to make many of the adjustments to keep the marriage afloat. I'm not sure how I would handle it. All of it would annoy me and the financial stuff would keep me up at night.

My sister recently retired from a 30+ career of utter drudgery. Her husband was in complete agreement that she should retire and he would keep working (he could retire, too, but he's opted to keep on working). He's always been a controlling sort and now he has taken to giving her "chores" during the day while he's at work. It's not like she sits around doing nothing, although I wouldn't blame her if she did. She keeps their house immaculately clean, does all of the laundry, cooks the meals, etc. When he comes home, he does a cursory inspection and starts with "what did you do all day?". It usually dissolves into an argument. She'd never divorce him but I think she has regrets about some things.

I guess my point in sharing this with you is to let you know that I think that there are more people than we realize that wind up in some kind of similar situation. Only you know what the next steps should be and whatever you choose, I hope it brings you peace and happiness.
 
The financial irresponsibility is scary. I’d be extremely concerned. Years ago my man was a spendthrift. He secretly maxed out credit cards I didn’t know he had but he also almost found himself single again too. 😡

Now he’s actually really good with money so it seems he learned well from his mistakes.
Plus I nagged and nagged him 🤪
 
...after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad: 1) It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first.
About your Dad? Are you saying your Dad was controlling too? So this is all you know when it comes to men? Your counselor gave you good advice but are you doing it?
 
hi babs , welcome,
aww , thats very sad for you........
i kicked my first hubby out when i was 30,........i couldnt stand the controlling ..... then met my soulmate, who retired aged 50 at my request,and we ve had a great 20 yrs together , im so glad he retired when he did, as he had the stroke aged 70............as the other members have said, lifes to short, to be unhappy !!.....Stand firm and tell him...........Good luck with your life.....❤️
 
...sign him up for card night with the boys on Mondays, bowling for Tuesdays, bingo for Wednesdays, curling 🥌 for Thursdays, pizza buffet Friday and fishing and beer on the weekends. 🤠
That should work🤡
Great advice keesha but I'd switch Bingo to a Baseball team for seniors. If he doesn't have one then he should start one.

It's like having a dog you don't exercise...they get vicious, bark, and growl alot

He needs to get active in a team sport outdoors in the fresh air...where the men won't put up with his waa waa waa
 
Last edited:
About your Dad? Are you saying your Dad was controlling too? So this is all you know when it comes to men? Your counselor gave you good advice but are you doing it?

Just
Yes, after this many years of my counseling, she merely listens but has taught me three things about my dad: 1) It's OK to say 'no'; 2) I have to set boundaries; and 3) that the needs of myself and my family come first. I've been back in dad's life for 4-1/2 years. Prior to that, he was married to someone that none of us kids cared for (nor did she like us) so I had little to do with him for 30 years. Fast forward 30 years to when his wife was terminally ill and he needed help getting out (lost his license for better part of 2015 due to medical issues before earning it back by year's end) and I started going on Saturday's. Coming up on a year with the guardianship. But after the guardianship, was legally able to hire caregivers and care manager which has worked out well. He's got dementia and is really social but lives in a dark, dreary house. I think he would do well in a different living situation but refuses to move -- reminders of his wife everywhere in the house. Sore subject with my husband that most of my Saturday's are taken up with dad.

Jus curious (for a reason), but was your dad controlling or drinker? The reason that I ask is because those 3 reasons sounds like what a codependent would learn in therapy. Did your therapist mention that you are or may be codependent?
 
Welcome to Senior forums, Babs! Don't confuse us with a life boat. You need to be talking this out with your husband and your therapist. Sounds like the two of you have never been close enough to grow apart. Don't despair, and lose hope. Good luck!
 
I feel for Babs hubby. He worked 65 years (maybe hating every day of it) only to be met with negativity at home. Working is a means to an end, not an end unto itself. Now is the time all those working years were for. Help him, Babs find things to do that he enjoys. You are lucky to have a life's work that fulfills you.
 
Welcome to Senior forums, Babs! Don't confuse us with a life boat. You need to be talking this out with your husband and your therapist. Sounds like the two of you have never been close enough to grow apart. Don't despair, and lose hope. Good luck!
interesting comment re lifeboat.
yet to some extent this forum can become a lifeboat for many. including me. Of course what you mean is we should not treat this place as the final word for advice especially counselling/mental health. I do find some advice on forums like this helpful though. We should never put all our eggs in one basket. (oops..one for the cliche list 😀 )
 
I feel for Babs hubby. He worked 65 years (maybe hating every day of it) only to be met with negativity at home. Working is a means to an end, not an end unto itself. Now is the time all those working years were for. Help him, Babs find things to do that he enjoys. You are lucky to have a life's work that fulfills you.
Did we read the same thread? He sounds like a controlling bully to me.
 

Back
Top