I don't know how to BE, now.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
This is long. Sorry šŸ˜•

Iā€™m sitting out here on my porch, nibbling on my breakfast and sipping my coffee, trying to adjust to this new normal Iā€™m experiencing. For the first time in pretty much my entire life Iā€™m not governed by the clock or the calendar. Iā€™m not having to portion out my time depending on what day it is, or get the most out of my day depending on where I am in the week. Itā€™s strange, surreal, and unsettling. I should be enjoying this, (as much as one can enjoy free time in the midst of a pandemic) but Iā€™m struggling.

I am a forward-thinking person. I forward think my hours, my days, my time, my projects, my life. Iā€™m a planner. I plan the work and work the plan, both personally and professionally. I enjoy that, the prediction, the structure and the control it gives me. Itā€™s comforting. But now I have no control and no plan. My days are unstructured, and my future is uncertain, and not just because I donā€™t know if Iā€™ll get sick or not. Certainly Iā€™m doing everything I can to prevent that, and also to prevent getting anyone ELSE sick if I am unknowingly infected. But itā€™s more than that.
Never before in my ENTIRE lifetime (and Iā€™m old, remember?) have I not known what I was going to do days, weeks or months from now. THAT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED TO ME, and I donā€™t know how to deal with that! Iā€™ve lived on three continents in my life, travelled back and forth across the width of the US several different times, worked at everything from taking in laundry for people to running a child care facility, from making jewelry at home to organizing peopleā€™s belongings and lives, from being an office manager to running a private school, from cleaning to bookkeeping. But Iā€™ve always known, ALWAYS, what was going to happen next month and next year because I MADE it happen by my own determination and sheer force of will.

Covid-19 doesnā€™t care about my iron will, the Stay At Home Order isnā€™t interested in my inner fortitude, and my client base have their own families to protect. Mine is not a ā€œwork from homeā€ job. At the very least itā€™s a hands-on job, and at times itā€™s face to face and up close and personal. So I have nowhere to direct this strength and iron will to either make my future return to what it was, or create a new one.
Iā€™m realizing that I donā€™t know how to live in THIS moment when all my future moments are uncertain. I am struggling to focus on now because the future is nothing but a haze of worry and stress and anxiety. Iā€™m realizing that I NEED the ā€œnow vs futureā€ thing as a BALANCE, that itā€™s how *I* am able to function at my best and most efficient level.

And I donā€™t know how to solve that. šŸ˜•
 

Look at the bright side. You recognize what is causing you stress & wrote very eleoquently about it. You can't control this situation so you have to let go of what you can't control & focus on what you can. Relax and let your mind do what it does best, figure out what you can do to cope.
 
A project I've been thinking of doing for over a year now and NOW is the perfect time.

A journal for my family. A telling of ancestry and funny family tales.

A history of my life through the times growing up on a farm. Drawing water from a well, laundry at a steam, having an outhouse, smoke house and wood cook stove.

There are many informative and funny stories attached to each I've mentioned.
 
Nobody knows what to do or expect, personally my thoughts are with the hospital patients suffering from Coronavirus, they are really struggling, to breathe.....

Plus the overworked medical staff trying to save their lives, Iā€™m more concerned with how they are going to cope than how I am
 
Ronni....believe me chica... there's many of us out here feeling precisely the way you are right now... ! It's horrible, it's frustrating, it's terrifying, but we're all having to just to learn, and learn very, very fast to cope and exist in a different way. ..there's no rule book for this we're starting out like new born babies in a world where we don't know what to do except stay in the nest and feed.. other than that we're learning a whole new existence..and how to just be us in the midst of the dangerous invisable jungle
 
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Becky1951 said:
A project I've been thinking of doing for over a year now and NOW is the perfect time.

A journal for my family. A telling of ancestry and funny family tales.

A history of my life through the times growing up on a farm. Drawing water from a well, laundry at a steam, having an outhouse, smoke house and wood cook stove.

There are many informative and funny stories attached to each I've mentioned.
Click to expand...
Love this idea! Thanks for the inspiration!
 
Hi Ronni. Long ago, I wrote: Who am I, when all alone, without a role to play? I think I need to revisit this question. If you ponder it, it may give you some insight, some inspiration - a direction forward to which you can apply your abundant energy and drive. You are obviously very capable - tough it out. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.
 
Hi Ronni,before this crisis started,I would be going to 2 org I volunteer 4 mornings/wk
Mon&Tues at Canopy of Neighbors in the office where I'd be calling other members for a weekly friendly hello& telling them about upcoming events.Thurs&Fri at my church working in the business office doing weekly computer tasks
I admit, the 1st week when I couldn't go to either place was a major adjustment for me.I get bored quickly,some days just dragged.I started doing things just to pass the time,but I began to adjust
For the past 2 weeks,every Mon I call the list of members from home,they always appreciate the friendly call.It makes their day&mine doing something for others
I still can't go to my church,instead can watch online our Sun service,during the week staff members read a daily meditation which helps keep' church family' connected. I call church friends just to see how they are doing as well.The one thing that hasn't changed for me,I go on my daily walks,hearing the birds chirp boosts my spirits,get fresh air&exercise
The way I'm thinking about this 'interruption' of our lives is this,we are all in a bad movie,we are waiting for the director to say to'Cut'. It will happen one of these days,just keep the faith Sue
 
@Ronni Aside from my being retired and no longer actively working as you are, we are total opposites. You are a Type A personality and very much involved not only with your work, but your family and other people. You have a very active lifestyle. I don't have family near except my husband, and am very laid back, not much change for me now except for worrying about my health and what is to come before this is all over with.

It may not be realistic for you, but all I can recommend is that you take this as a blessing in disguise. Don't fight it, but take the opportunity to take a breather, relax and give your mind and body a much needed break. Stop stressing about how things always were for you, or how you may be affecting your clients....they, like all of us, are living in the moment and just trying to deal with this hand that has been dealt us.

You are wise and you are a strong woman. Take a deep breath, don't think too much about the way things were for you in the past. Don't obsess about the future, none of us know if we will be affected by infection or anything else. We don't know how long this bad dream will continue, it may be months, less or more....we're all on edge to a degree.

If you can, acknowledge that you're strong enough to do whatever you put your mind to. Get the "can't" out of your internal and external conversation, it does no good for you or those you love. Have a "can to" attitude in this scenario also, you will survive and be proud of the way you handled this in the end....like you have been justly proud of all of your life accomplishments.

Take a step back, chill and have a good evening....hugs.
 
Ronni said:
This is long. Sorry šŸ˜•

Iā€™m sitting out here on my porch, nibbling on my breakfast and sipping my coffee, trying to adjust to this new normal Iā€™m experiencing. For the first time in pretty much my entire life Iā€™m not governed by the clock or the calendar. Iā€™m not having to portion out my time depending on what day it is, or get the most out of my day depending on where I am in the week. Itā€™s strange, surreal, and unsettling. I should be enjoying this, (as much as one can enjoy free time in the midst of a pandemic) but Iā€™m struggling.

I am a forward-thinking person. I forward think my hours, my days, my time, my projects, my life. Iā€™m a planner. I plan the work and work the plan, both personally and professionally. I enjoy that, the prediction, the structure and the control it gives me. Itā€™s comforting. But now I have no control and no plan. My days are unstructured, and my future is uncertain, and not just because I donā€™t know if Iā€™ll get sick or not. Certainly Iā€™m doing everything I can to prevent that, and also to prevent getting anyone ELSE sick if I am unknowingly infected. But itā€™s more than that.
Never before in my ENTIRE lifetime (and Iā€™m old, remember?) have I not known what I was going to do days, weeks or months from now. THAT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED TO ME, and I donā€™t know how to deal with that! Iā€™ve lived on three continents in my life, travelled back and forth across the width of the US several different times, worked at everything from taking in laundry for people to running a child care facility, from making jewelry at home to organizing peopleā€™s belongings and lives, from being an office manager to running a private school, from cleaning to bookkeeping. But Iā€™ve always known, ALWAYS, what was going to happen next month and next year because I MADE it happen by my own determination and sheer force of will.

Covid-19 doesnā€™t care about my iron will, the Stay At Home Order isnā€™t interested in my inner fortitude, and my client base have their own families to protect. Mine is not a ā€œwork from homeā€ job. At the very least itā€™s a hands-on job, and at times itā€™s face to face and up close and personal. So I have nowhere to direct this strength and iron will to either make my future return to what it was, or create a new one.
Iā€™m realizing that I donā€™t know how to live in THIS moment when all my future moments are uncertain. I am struggling to focus on now because the future is nothing but a haze of worry and stress and anxiety. Iā€™m realizing that I NEED the ā€œnow vs futureā€ thing as a BALANCE, that itā€™s how *I* am able to function at my best and most efficient level.

And I donā€™t know how to solve that. šŸ˜•
Click to expand...
Ihave to say ronni but your post is like woe is me -that may sound harsh -but thats how it reads ...people are dropping dead all around and yes we are all scared even me -you worry over not working' what about families with big mortgages' kids to feed etc 'my son cant work or his wife -but people manage .. so maybe you need to find a interest and keep bizzy and safe !!!!!!!
 
SeaBreeze said:
@Ronni Aside from my being retired and no longer actively working as you are, we are total opposites. You are a Type A personality and very much involved not only with your work, but your family and other people. You have a very active lifestyle. I don't have family near except my husband, and am very laid back, not much change for me now except for worrying about my health and what is to come before this is all over with.

It may not be realistic for you, but all I can recommend is that you take this as a blessing in disguise. Don't fight it, but take the opportunity to take a breather, relax and give your mind and body a much needed break. Stop stressing about how things always were for you, or how you may be affecting your clients....they, like all of us, are living in the moment and just trying to deal with this hand that has been dealt us.

You are wise and you are a strong woman. Take a deep breath, don't think too much about the way things were for you in the past. Don't obsess about the future, none of us know if we will be affected by infection or anything else. We don't know how long this bad dream will continue, it may be months, less or more....we're all on edge to a degree.

If you can, acknowledge that you're strong enough to do whatever you put your mind to. Get the "can't" out of your internal and external conversation, it does no good for you or those you love. Have a "can to" attitude in this scenario also, you will survive and be proud of the way you handled this in the end....like you have been justly proud of all of your life accomplishments.

Take a step back, chill and have a good evening....hugs.
Click to expand...
Ah yes - I went through a long stretch of saying "I used to be ..." It was self-defeating. Then, I shook myself out of that mode into "what I am now" then to "what I will be." Much healthier than lamenting our "past lives."
 
@toffee and @Wren

I remain busy from morning till night.

I shop for a couple of my friends who are immune compromised, Iā€™ve been doing FaceTime teaching and lessons to several of my grands who canā€™t go to school, Iā€™ve donated blood because I have a rare type which is in short supply, I am cooking food and delivering it, other stuff. Iā€™m busy at home too....weā€™re renovating our house so thereā€™s much to do and Iā€™m helping build cabinets and attaching hardware and a variety of other tasks.

Your posts felt harsh to me. I guess you just assumed I was sitting around doing nothing. But you didnā€™t ask.

Should I not eat my breakfast and sip my coffee because others in the world canā€™t? I donā€™t honestly think youā€™re suggesting something so ridiculous, so perhaps you think Iā€™m not grateful that Iā€™m able to do that? Again, you just assume.

None of the things I do every day stop me from struggling, stop my anxiety from ramping up, stop me from from feeling untethered and stressed and very much at sea. Iā€™m fighting those feelings every day, fighting through them to do what I do every day.

One of my boys is going to be homeless shortly due to not working so we as a family are pulling together to hopefully prevent that. Another has moved in with one of his sibs for similar reasons. So yeah, our family has been impacted directly by this pandemic, so my worry about not working is also because it prevents me from helping my kids who are struggling. But you didnā€™t ask about that, either.

Are we not allowed a little ā€œwoe is meā€ from time to time? (even though that was not the perspective from which I was communicating.) Is it not appropriate to
post about our struggles? Our worries? Things that stress us or make us anxious? Rhetorical questions because I know the answer. Of course it is, we do it all the time here.

So Iā€™ll continue to post about my struggles in spite of your disapproval. Because itā€™s helpful to me and because perhaps others also may be helped not just by what I post, but even more from the abundance of advice and wisdom in the responses.
 
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Empty said:
Ah yes - I went through a long stretch of saying "I used to be ..." It was self-defeating. Then, I shook myself out of that mode into "what I am now" then to "what I will be." Much healthier than lamenting our "past lives."
Click to expand...
But see Iā€™m not lamenting my past life. Iā€™m right here in the present trying to figure out the ā€œwhat I will beā€ part of the future puzzle. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø
 
Ronni said:
@toffee and @Wren

I remain busy from morning till night.

I shop for a couple of my friends who are immune compromised, Iā€™ve been doing FaceTime teaching and lessons to several of my grands who canā€™t go to school, Iā€™ve donated blood because I have a rare type which is in short supply, I am cooking food and delivering it, other stuff. Iā€™m busy at home too....weā€™re renovating our house so thereā€™s much to do and Iā€™m helping build cabinets and attaching hardware and a variety of other tasks.

Your posts felt harsh to me. I guess you just assumed I was sitting around doing nothing. But you didnā€™t ask.

Should I not eat my breakfast and sip my coffee because others in the world canā€™t? I donā€™t honestly think youā€™re suggesting something so ridiculous, so perhaps you think Iā€™m not grateful that Iā€™m able to do that? Again, you just assume.

None of the things I do every day stop me from struggling, stop my anxiety from ramping up, stop me from from feeling untethered and stressed and very much at sea. Iā€™m fighting those feelings every day, fighting through them to do what I do every day.

One of my boys is going to be homeless shortly due to not working so we as a family are pulling together to hopefully prevent that. Another has moved in with one of his sibs for similar reasons. So yeah, our family has been impacted directly by this pandemic, so my worry about not working is also because it prevents me from helping my kids who are struggling. But you didnā€™t ask about that, either.

Are we not allowed a little ā€œwoe is meā€ from time to time? (even though that was not the perspective from which I was communicating.) Is it not appropriate to
post about our struggles? Our worries? Things that stress us or make us anxious? Rhetorical questions because I know the answer. Of course it is, we do it all the time here.

So Iā€™ll continue to post about my struggles in spite of your disapproval. Because itā€™s helpful to me and because perhaps others also may be helped not just by what I post, but even more from the abundance of advice and wisdom in the responses.
Click to expand...
Think you said it, gal. You know inside its about "BALANCE". Take this time to balance the flip side of your consciousness. The tides go in, the tides go out. We don't "control" the tides We need both. If the earth wasn't "balanced" it would spin off into eternity. What you have "inside you" is greater than what you have "outside you".
 
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