I don't know how to BE, now.

Ronni said:
This is long. Sorry šŸ˜•

Iā€™m sitting out here on my porch, nibbling on my breakfast and sipping my coffee, trying to adjust to this new normal Iā€™m experiencing. For the first time in pretty much my entire life Iā€™m not governed by the clock or the calendar. Iā€™m not having to portion out my time depending on what day it is, or get the most out of my day depending on where I am in the week. Itā€™s strange, surreal, and unsettling. I should be enjoying this, (as much as one can enjoy free time in the midst of a pandemic) but Iā€™m struggling.

I am a forward-thinking person. I forward think my hours, my days, my time, my projects, my life. Iā€™m a planner. I plan the work and work the plan, both personally and professionally. I enjoy that, the prediction, the structure and the control it gives me. Itā€™s comforting. But now I have no control and no plan. My days are unstructured, and my future is uncertain, and not just because I donā€™t know if Iā€™ll get sick or not. Certainly Iā€™m doing everything I can to prevent that, and also to prevent getting anyone ELSE sick if I am unknowingly infected. But itā€™s more than that.
Never before in my ENTIRE lifetime (and Iā€™m old, remember?) have I not known what I was going to do days, weeks or months from now. THAT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED TO ME, and I donā€™t know how to deal with that! Iā€™ve lived on three continents in my life, travelled back and forth across the width of the US several different times, worked at everything from taking in laundry for people to running a child care facility, from making jewelry at home to organizing peopleā€™s belongings and lives, from being an office manager to running a private school, from cleaning to bookkeeping. But Iā€™ve always known, ALWAYS, what was going to happen next month and next year because I MADE it happen by my own determination and sheer force of will.

Covid-19 doesnā€™t care about my iron will, the Stay At Home Order isnā€™t interested in my inner fortitude, and my client base have their own families to protect. Mine is not a ā€œwork from homeā€ job. At the very least itā€™s a hands-on job, and at times itā€™s face to face and up close and personal. So I have nowhere to direct this strength and iron will to either make my future return to what it was, or create a new one.
Iā€™m realizing that I donā€™t know how to live in THIS moment when all my future moments are uncertain. I am struggling to focus on now because the future is nothing but a haze of worry and stress and anxiety. Iā€™m realizing that I NEED the ā€œnow vs futureā€ thing as a BALANCE, that itā€™s how *I* am able to function at my best and most efficient level.

And I donā€™t know how to solve that. šŸ˜•
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Maybe itā€™s time for you to sit back and smell the roses. When I started playing world of war craft about ten years ago, I played in a guild with my son and his friends. They would race through dungeons wanted to get gear, mounts, whatever.

They would always lose me, and since I was sight impaired, someone would have to come get me and lead me to the group. The problems was, the world created by WOW was beautiful-even the dungeons. I stopped to look. They didnā€™t.

Now, while I seldom go out, I suffer from the lack of freedom as well. If I think of something I want at the store, I want to go get it. Not engage in a conversation with myself on the risks and if I really really need it.

I still play WOW although my son doesnā€™t. I still ā€œstop to smell the rosesā€. I still enjoy the game. I hope you learn to enjoy that a loss of control of every minute of every day can be a good thing.
 

Aneeda, OTOH, for most things we want from "the store," we can order them online. If somebody wants a little bit of a silver lining, think about how
much worse this would all be if we did not have the ability to buy things to be delivered to our homes, if we did not have food delivery services, etc.

I like your comment about stopping to smell the roses. Not to be a Pollyanna or anything, but people have always been (and many continue to be) in a lot worse straits than most of us are.
 
Ronni said:
@toffee and @Wren

I remain busy from morning till night.

I shop for a couple of my friends who are immune compromised, Iā€™ve been doing FaceTime teaching and lessons to several of my grands who canā€™t go to school, Iā€™ve donated blood because I have a rare type which is in short supply, I am cooking food and delivering it, other stuff. Iā€™m busy at home too....weā€™re renovating our house so thereā€™s much to do and Iā€™m helping build cabinets and attaching hardware and a variety of other tasks.

Your posts felt harsh to me. I guess you just assumed I was sitting around doing nothing. But you didnā€™t ask.

Should I not eat my breakfast and sip my coffee because others in the world canā€™t? I donā€™t honestly think youā€™re suggesting something so ridiculous, so perhaps you think Iā€™m not grateful that Iā€™m able to do that? Again, you just assume.

None of the things I do every day stop me from struggling, stop my anxiety from ramping up, stop me from from feeling untethered and stressed and very much at sea. Iā€™m fighting those feelings every day, fighting through them to do what I do every day.

One of my boys is going to be homeless shortly due to not working so we as a family are pulling together to hopefully prevent that. Another has moved in with one of his sibs for similar reasons. So yeah, our family has been impacted directly by this pandemic, so my worry about not working is also because it prevents me from helping my kids who are struggling. But you didnā€™t ask about that, either.

Are we not allowed a little ā€œwoe is meā€ from time to time? (even though that was not the perspective from which I was communicating.) Is it not appropriate to
post about our struggles? Our worries? Things that stress us or make us anxious? Rhetorical questions because I know the answer. Of course it is, we do it all the time here.

So Iā€™ll continue to post about my struggles in spite of your disapproval. Because itā€™s helpful to me and because perhaps others also may be helped not just by what I post, but even more from the abundance of advice and wisdom in the responses.
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I think there is something in the bible about Jesus getting his feet rubbed with oil, and in the movie Mary dries his feet with her hair, not something I would do, lol. Anyway, the other guy complains that the oil should have been sold to ā€œfeed the poor.ā€

And Jesus says something to the effect, hey, I help a lot of people and, besides, ā€œTHE POOR WILL ALWAYS BE AMOUNG US.ā€ I have been, in my life, very very poor. Poor to the point if someone did not give me food, I wouldnā€™t have eaten.

Ronni, you continue to nibble your breakfast and have your coffee. I will continue to shovel my breakfast in and gulp my crystal lite. The poor will always be among-as will, apparently, the self righteous.
 

Ronni said:
But see Iā€™m not lamenting my past life. Iā€™m right here in the present trying to figure out the ā€œwhat I will beā€ part of the future puzzle. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø
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Ronni, none of us can even begin to answer the "what I will be" question. And you're right, it's hard to get your head around that, difficult to accommodate ourselves to what some Cabinet secretary once called "the unknown unknown."

I was looking forward to retiring in August. Will it still happen? In theory, yes, because we positioned ourselves to survive downturns - but this is way more than just a downturn. Will I have a job to retire from in 5 months? Beats me.

I do strive and encourage others to not worry about the things you can't control. It's not easy, but it's doable. Take the day as it comes. Look around you - there are a hundred "One of these days" all around you, things you've put off, tasks that weren't particularly enjoyable, all those "round tuit" things. Maybe now's the time...

Control what you can, accept what you can't.
 
Wren said:
Not harsh at all toffee, in my view, just telling it like it is, thousands will never ā€˜nibble on their breakfastā€™ or ā€˜sip coffee againā€™, God rest their souls.....
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thats so right wren.....its about time , people understood, whats happening.....sad, but true x
 
Ronni said:
I shop for a couple of my friends who are immune compromised, Iā€™ve been doing FaceTime teaching and lessons to several of my grands who canā€™t go to school, Iā€™ve donated blood because I have a rare type which is in short supply, I am cooking food and delivering it, other stuff. Iā€™m busy at home too....weā€™re renovating our house so thereā€™s much to do and Iā€™m helping build cabinets and attaching hardware and a variety of other tasks.

Your posts felt harsh to me. I guess you just assumed I was sitting around doing nothing. But you didnā€™t ask.

None of the things I do every day stop me from struggling, stop my anxiety from ramping up, stop me from from feeling untethered and stressed and very much at sea. Iā€™m fighting those feelings every day, fighting through them to do what I do every day.

One of my boys is going to be homeless shortly due to not working so we as a family are pulling together to hopefully prevent that. Another has moved in with one of his sibs for similar reasons. So yeah, our family has been impacted directly by this pandemic, so my worry about not working is also because it prevents me from helping my kids who are struggling. But you didnā€™t ask about that, either.

Are we not allowed a little ā€œwoe is meā€ from time to time? (even though that was not the perspective from which I was communicating.) Is it not appropriate to
post about our struggles? Our worries? Things that stress us or make us anxious? Rhetorical questions because I know the answer. Of course it is, we do it all the time here.

So Iā€™ll continue to post about my struggles in spite of your disapproval. Because itā€™s helpful to me and because perhaps others also may be helped not just by what I post, but even more from the abundance of advice and wisdom in the responses.
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Ronni, I admire you for all you do to help others during this pandemic. Shopping, teaching, cooking food and delivering it, and donating blood during this crisis, etc. is very giving of you. Anyone here who has ever read your posts knows that you are very kind to others and have a heart of gold.

I know you must be deeply concerned about your kids, especially your son who is unfortunately going to be homeless soon due to this coronavirus situation. All these things bring on great added stress for you and your family. Hoping things work out as well as possible.

We are all here for each other to talk to when we need to share something that is bothering us or making us fearful. This community is like having family, or caring friends even though we speak to each other online. Asking advice, sharing our problems, telling each other when one of our loved ones is in the hospital or passed on with other members here can be priceless to some of us.

You're right, other members not only benefit from the things we post about, but also from the wise and caring advice we receive from others here. Keep posting, we're here for you and will be listening. Along with yours, I've enjoyed and appreciated many posts from others here, I've learned a lot, including the benefit of hearing various views and opinions from other seniors. It's all good!
 
Lee said:
I like to think that on this forum we could and should all support one another. Nothing wrong with "telling it like it is" but do it in a kind, gentler way.

Who knows, you might be the next one having a down day and need advice, not direct criticism.
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Well said Lee, thank you, couldn't agree more!
 
I suppose I am out of patience and angry because I have a torn rotator cuff. Itā€™s hurts a lot, and on top of everything else I have that hurts, it is simply too much to bear, but I bear it because I have no choice. Elective surgeries are canceled. Even in normal times itā€™s hard for me to get surgery.

People die. Hundreds of thousands of people die every year from various causes. I am sure I was eating my breakfast while several thousand people died. I admit it. Maybe JC was eating his breakfast and getting oil rubbed on his feet while several thousand people died in his time.

In addition, Mom told me to eat my veggies cause people were starving in China. I volunteered to send them my veggies, and got a slap for my smart mouth. Iā€™ve heard over 50,000 died this year of the flu, some probably died while I was eating my breakfast.

Frankly, I am extremely happy to have a breakfast to eat, and toilet paper. Love my toilet paper. Iā€™m not going to stop eating cause people are dying.

People are always dying. If the self righteous are so concerned, feed someone-like Ronni does. Or care for someone who has the virus-like many people do. Or do what I do. Sit down, eat breakfast. If you get the virus, refuse the vent.
 
Just remember this is not permanent. It will pass just like everything else.
Try to find ways to keep your mind occupied to help keep you from struggling so much with it.
If you're used to traveling perhaps virtual tours and books are a way to substitute?
Keep busy around the house. If you are a Christian then you could dive into your bible. Study some things maybe. Take up a new project to do at home. Listen to music to help relax you. Just focus on getting to know yourself again. Journal all these things maybe to help you get through it.
{Hugs}
 
Keep reminding yourself how tough life was for those before us and for those in less fortunate countries. If we complain about the bad times then we should be silent when times are good. At 72 years on this planet I have never known hunger. How many people in the world can say the same?
 
yeah...it'll be over.one day.....our daughter is trying to keep daycare center open....had to diminish class size...to 10....couldnt find supplies...power bill same ...less $$ coming in....mortage....nightmare paperwork...shes tired
 
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fmdog44 said:
Keep reminding yourself how tough life was for those before us and for those in less fortunate countries. If we complain about the bad times then we should be silent when times are good. At 72 years on this planet I have never known hunger. How many people in the world can say the same?
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You are so right. I have been hungry and missed a few meals when I was younger due to lack of money. When I was 17 and lived at the Salvation Army Home for Woman we got breakfast and dimner included in the rent. But no lunch. I worked every day. Never had lunch money, never had lunch.

It was in Los Angeles. I walked back and forth down Wiltshire Blvd. to work cause I couldnā€™t afford the bus until a bus driver gave me a free ride in the morning. I could go on, but no need. Everyone knows that the food budget is the only flexible item in a poor person life.

Still it was only missed meals. I never knew true hunger. For that I am thankful.
 
Aneeda72 said:
You are so right. I have been hungry and missed a few meals when I was younger due to lack of money. When I was 17 and lived at the Salvation Army Home for Woman we got breakfast and dimner included in the rent. But no lunch. I worked every day. Never had lunch money, never had lunch.

It was in Los Angeles. I walked back and forth down Wiltshire Blvd. to work cause I couldnā€™t afford the bus until a bus driver gave me a free ride in the morning. I could go on, but no need. Everyone knows that the food budget is the only flexible item in a poor person life.

Still it was only missed meals. I never knew true hunger. For that I am thankful.
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I lived in La for some time.. I am very familiar with Wiltshire Blvd!! šŸ‘
 
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