How Do You Motivate Your Spouse

Ina

Ina

Well-known Member
Location
Harris County, NE of Houston, Tx.
My Darling Michael was never sick a day in his life for 69 years. Then he had to have surgery for a fistula. The pain and being disabled for the next few months seemed to scare the fight right out of him.
He is and ex Marine, 6 foot, and 185/190 lbs. He was always doing things around our five acres, and worked a full-time job.

The Dr.'s says he all of the sudden has COPD, and needs to use oxygen whenever he exerts himself. He won't use the oxygen at all. They now have he characterizing himself every other day. I'm not sure he is doing it more than once a week. The supplies do not seem to be going down very fast.
He sets and watches TV, or he surf's online, but I can get him interested in any forums.

What can I do to help him want to live in this world again? His surgery was two years ago August 2012. :dunno:
 

I don't know Michael at all but I seen many times that people snap out of a slump because they are needed.
Can you find some way to appeal to him to help you, short of breaking an arm?
 
Awwww-he sounds like exactly the type of guy who they say has problems accepting not being 100% healthy anymore. Big,tough Marine,never sick,and now he has some health issues. My hubby has never been sick either and probably wouldn`t react very well to it either. I`m with DW-I`ll bet he`d come around if he felt really,really needed! It does sound like he may be suffering from a bit of depression though-maybe bring it up to his doctor.
 

I agree that depression may be at play here as he has been forced to look at his own mortality...
 
poor guy. Any opportunities for him to interact with other veterans? Even if his current problems aren't service connected, maybe it might help him to see how other men of similar ages & histories handle not being able to do as much as they once did, coping skills. wishing him (and you) well!
 
Do you have much garden/land that needs replanting?Interest him in planting a small orchard or something similar? Do you keep chickens? What about getting a dog to take for walks?
 
Ina you can't do it....at least I cannot with my hubby. I have looked at him and asked if he has roots growing out of his butt since he seems to be rooted to the chair.

Mine is supposed to walk for circulation, he knows the consequences of not doing so but tries to fool me by pretending to take a walk but I sneakily followed him only to see him sitting on his rump at a neighbors house having a conversation.

Of course he knew he was in trouble when he spotted me and that did momentarily motivate him....kind of fun to watch that "deer caught in the headlights look" When he dared to slink back in the house I told him we may as well go for a ride since he had nothing planned for the day. When he asked where we were going I told him to the cemetary to pick out his plot.

Ina, I am waiting to see the responses you get....hopefully some will give us both ideas.
 
Warrigal, I don't think breaking his arm will help. HE'll need both if I ever get him out of that chair.

Mrs. Robinson, I agree he's in a depression, but when I try to discuss it he get very angry.

Ralph, I hadn't thought about his seeing his own mortality.

Geezerette, that's an idea, maybe I can get him interested in a Marine site.

Oakapple, we did raise chickens and sell organic eggs, but someone stole our flock of 36 hens, and now he doesn't want to start again.

Lee if I find a way to get him to join the world again, I'll definitely share the insensitive.

Thanks everyone for the input.
 
We'll be thinking of you & Michael, & how terrible to have your whole flock of chickens stolen! i can see that would certainly add to a person' s frustration!
 
Gezzerette, I sometimes think he never thought illness would come his way, and he just refuses to carry an oxygen tank around. I hare to, but it looks like I might have to holler at him, which I just hate to do.
 
Difficult, I am in the same situation really. I was told by my doctor, who is about 14 yrs old!, that after an xray I had copd, which we all know covers everything from a tickly cough to the full blown monty!, she gave me an inhaler, which I hardly use as it seems to have no effect and I can never find the bloody thing anyway.............

I too am ex Forces and ex Police Officer and initially found it difficult that I could'nt walk the dog for ten miles a day (lucky dog, she is getting older too) or run up and down the stairs as often as I wanted, but came to terms with fact that I am just getting older and things don't work as well as they used to, lungs, knees, hips, eyes........ you name it, it's all slowing down a touch.

The more folk told me to do this or do that ( for my own good of course) the more I did the opposite................ I am my own man and will do my own thing........ what really perked me up, was looking around at folk half my age who can do even less than me, for various reason and for millions of folks around the world from 3 rd world countries who would swap places with me in an instant............ life is'nt so bad after all.
 
Romfty....great post. A different slant on things. Who will be in the position of authority.

Maybe we should ask a person to do something rather than yell, threaten, bribe, and if all else fails just simply "accept"
 
I think that Romfty has it about right, too. We can't change another person, or coerce them to do something we know they should do, but they don't want to do.
Also, now that the COPD has accelerated, and he is having enough trouble getting oxygen that the doctor wants him to use it when he does anything; then he is having trouble with breathing all the time probably.
Before they did the heart procedure, I could barely breathe. I would walk into a room to do something (an easy thing), and then be so winded that I couldn't do whatever I went there for, and had to just go back and rest. When I made the bed in the mornings, I had to lay down on the bed afterwards and rest.
So, it may be harder for Michael to do the things that he has always done, and he resents that, and also resents that he has to haul oxygen around if he does want to do something.
I think the best thing is to just be supportive of him, and like Warri said; find things that you need help doing, and hopefully, he will come and help you out.
Give him some time to work things out in his head and come to terms with this new part of his life.
 
Ina.....Look at http://forums.military.com/eve/forums/a/cfrm/f/67819558 I think he will enjoy this forum. Guys really get a chance to talk about the Marines and if he was a Vietnam veteran, he will get additional use out of the forum. I even found a guy from my platoon when we were in basic.

Also, did his doctor explain to him why he needs to be on the oxygen? Did he explain what oxygen's job is in the body and how it is necessary for our blood to get its ample supply? Oxygen is necessary to live, it's as simple as that. Without it, other illnesses can develop and if he dislikes having COPD, then he will not like having to deal with other illnesses that will arise without having the required oxygen.
 
I have made the mistake of trying to be a "parent" to my husband. Telling hime what to do.. and when to do it.. Then I realized that I am NOT his mother.. and he is a grown man and will have to make his own choices.. as bad or as silly as they seem to me. Of course we want them to do what WE think is best for them, and we have a million reasons why... but the fact remains that THEY need to be the one to decide what they want to do. It's hard to sit back and watch someone we love make the wrong choices (wrong in our estimation)... but you know what they say about leading a horse to water. I may make a suggestion to him and give him my opinions and my reasons for having that opinion, but in the end HE is in charge. We can only be supportive.
 
Oldman, Thank you for the military link. I showed it to him, and I did see some interest in it. I let him read your post, and I think what you said made an impression on him.
So, I decided to let him see the rest of the posts on this thread. Some angered him, but over all I think he got some food for thought. We will see, and I'll try to quit trying to pull him along. I just can't see the future without him. :thankyou1:
 
Old man, I want to thank you for that military link again. Michael has shown enough interest that he is checking it out. He says he does see anyone from his time yet. But he is looking. He went in the Marines in 1959, to early for Viet Man. :wave:
 
QuickSilver said:
I have made the mistake of trying to be a "parent" to my husband. Telling him what to do.. and when to do it.. Then I realized that I am NOT his mother.. and he is a grown man and will have to make his own choices.. as bad or as silly as they seem to me. Of course we want them to do what WE think is best for them, and we have a million reasons why... but the fact remains that THEY need to be the one to decide what they want to do. It's hard to sit back and watch someone we love make the wrong choices (wrong in our estimation)... but you know what they say about leading a horse to water. I may make a suggestion to him and give him my opinions and my reasons for having that opinion, but in the end HE is in charge. We can only be supportive.
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...the way is..... to salt its oats!:)
 
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