"Gray Divorce" - More Couples Over 50 Are Calling It Quits

SeaBreeze

SeaBreeze

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Couples over fifty are getting divorced more frequently than they did in the past, here's some of the reasons why...

Nearly one in four people who is experiencing divorce in the U.S. is over 50. Almost one in 10 is older than 64. People over the age of 50 are twice as likely to divorce as their forebears were as recently as 1990. And for that age, education doesn’t matter: those with degrees and those without are having the divorce papers drawn up in equal numbers.

You’d think after two decades of living in close quarters, people would have ironed out their differences. And you could well be right, but that doesn’t mean they’re happy. “Many of these marriages have not been marked by severe discord,” says the study “Gray Divorce: A Growing Risk Regardless of Class or Education,” which went online on Oct 8.

Instead, it seems like empty-nesters, having finished that joint project known as raising the kids, now find they don’t have so much in common. And since divorce can be free (at least theoretically) of finger pointing and blame—no fault divorce is now available in every state—they go their separate ways once the children are grown.
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Full article: http://time.com/3479037/grey-divorce-boomers-no-fault-divorce/
 

That`s what my parents did-divorced after 38 years of marriage and raising 5 kids. It had more to do with my dad`s worsening bipolar illness(and his refusal to take meds) than it did the fact that we were all grown though. My mom was 55,my dad was 57 when they divorced.
 
My parents divorced after a long marriage too, they waited for me (the baby) to get older. My mother was 55 also. I didn't even know they had a serious issue, back then things were kept very quiet and discreet, even from us kids, there were four of us. Sorry to hear your dad had bipolar, that must have been rough for him and the whole family. Luckily, I've reached 38 years with my hubby, and we plan to stay together.
 

They actually nail it. A common cause can unite people. Throw some messy social stigma rules along with a legal nightmare and you have two people that can't stand each other living together. A common cause or specific purpose like money keeps people in jobs and with companies they can't stand/hate. They even tolerate people coworkers & peers because they have to, not because they want to. Even in a military or sports setting a common goal unites people. Some carry that unity the rest of their lives. Most move on to something different. Why should a marriage be any different.

It took me decades before I realized just how "fake" people are in that most put on Oscar winning performances 90% of the time. It's not just about hiding something like a dirty little secret. Most go out of their way to seem socially acceptable because they want to belong/status. Most people go out of their way to hide physical weakness by using adrenaline to accomplish physical tasks. They drink or drug to hide emotional instability & insecurity. It's all a show for a personal agenda. Sure some are true blue but that's not the full reality.

The older I get the fewer surprises and shocks.
 
I definitely believe that if two people aren't happy with each other, they should get divorced, regardless of age. Life is too short to spend it with somebody you're miserable with, and who you're likely making miserable too. None of us were born to please another human being, if it happens to work out that way, it's great. I always felt that if my husband had the desire to be with someone else, or didn't love me anymore, I would let him go peacefully. I wouldn't try to take him to the cleaners in a divorce settlement either. We both worked during our marriage, and we should split things as equally as possible. I've heard some real nightmare stories from men who were screwed over by their ex's.
 
If you can ever find it there is a great movie, Divorce American Style, starring Dick Van Dyke, that is an hilarious take on it, compared to War of the Roses which is a nasty one...
 
Marriages that are fake from the beginning, don't stand a chance. Many survive on "life support" over the years, but eventually one will "pull the plug". A true marriage will survive all sorts of storms and trials over the years...it is a happy mystery.:)
 
We got married at an older age. I was 49 and she was 50. No kids or grandkids. This next March 2015, it will be 14 years.......and the marriage is still going STRONG!! But, then again, we have a whole lot of the same interests/likes. Basically, the only time we are apart is when she is at work during the week. Our marriage has to be good since I walk with her to the car (or truck) each morning, give her a kiss "goodbye" and wave "bye" to her as she drives away. Been doing this for the last 6 years........rain or shine!

Yes, I do LOVE my wife!!
 
So right! Right now my son in law and daughter are "planning' a divorce but have no malicious thought toward each other. My daughter decided that occasional visits to work in Palestine were not enough. Her calling was there. My son in law deserves a wife who can be a partner in person. They both understand this. it will be a bit messy but not mean given the distance. The funny part is they email and talk every day. they can't be a couple but can't quite separate either.
 
Sadly I must include myself in this statistic. Divorced at age 45 (I know, not quite 50, but felt like it at the time) after 25 years of marriage. We're amiable, always have been. We changed, for whatever reason weren't able to grow together as a couple. I will say this, it is empty and dffiicult living in a marriage that is wrong. I agree with comment from Meander that some marriages survive on "life support". Ours sure did. The last 10 years a struggle. No, it is best to part company and give both parties a chance at happiness. There is lots of living to be done.
 
SeaBreeze said:
Couples over fifty are getting divorced more frequently than they did in the past, here's some of the reasons why...



Full article: http://time.com/3479037/grey-divorce-boomers-no-fault-divorce/
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Just an opinion here, because I have never had a long-lasting marriage/partnership, but I think that "grass is greener" thing kicks in too. If you get caught up in what "other" people are doing, and it looks so inviting, I think it's easy to think it will be a "wonderful" life away from some hum-drum marriage. I think a lot of people are sadly disappointed in what they find outside of their marriage when they leave.

Everyone knows good reasons to divorce (abuse, infidelity, I mean, I better say these are my good reasons) but there are couples I know that have stayed together, they are best friends, and they haven't had any big problems I know of anyway. I do believe any, couple that try living together is going to experience difficulties.

I heard something once, I'll never forget, and it was about a man, and woman that wanted to divorce after 30 or so years I think it was. The counselor they were seeing said "what seems to be the biggest problem" and they said they just didn't love each other anymore. The counselor told them to forget about love for the time being, and just try to be kind to one another. They never divorced, to this day, that I know of. As the story goes, they fell back in love all over again too.
 
Meanderer said:
Marriages that are fake from the beginning, don't stand a chance. Many survive on "life support" over the years, but eventually one will "pull the plug". A true marriage will survive all sorts of storms and trials over the years...it is a happy mystery.:)
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I believe this for sure. Back in the day, folks courted, then wed etc. I mean I know not everybody "back in the day" picked right, but I think marriages stood a better chance when people took the time to see if they could be good friends, as well as lovers. Who doesn't know the friendship lasts much longer then just, great sex. Nothing wrong with great sex, but a few flings with guys I didn't give a dern about taught me that wouldn't make a marriage. I still hope for a man to be best friends with.

Anyway, it's like the Joneses divorced so we should try that too, it's popular, good lord, look at what's in now, that wasn't 100 years ago. Yes I know there are some good changes, but the morals my grandparents had were way better then todays imo.
 
I wonder if there is a study that might go hand in hand with the observation about older people divorcing, that would say whether it was more likely the wife who made the first move to leave or the husband.

My husbands mother left her husband and she was in her 60's when she moved out.
 
I'll bet the women leave the greater % of the time. That's bet is only because that's what I see most often. Seems like the men are way more willing to stay, and again, that's only in the divorces I see around here.

When I see tv, and movies, I can't help but dream about some of the things women do now that seems so inviting. I know that like my grandmother, many women stayed home and raised kids, did housework, and their big fling was to the grocery store. Men, like my grandpa left home everyday for work, got out of the house, was free of children, etc. I think women more often feel they've missed out on so much. When the man retires, he is ready to play, or often, just stay home. The women wants to do more, I think I would too.

A lot of single/divorced men I meet, are all sad because their wives left and "they" say, took all the dough. A lot of those same men are stick in the muds, and don't even want to get out of the house. That's where I'm getting my ideas, is from talking to folks like that.
 
Hello. I agree with you in part. A lot of men are left by their wives, and, yes, many of the wives leave and take a good portion of the couple's assets. I don't agree with those who are out to ruin the other half - fairness should always be the route to go. And sadly I have come across many bitter men. My ex husband and I were able to work through things very fairly and no way can he be called a stick in the mud. He got on with his life much sooner and more easily than myself. Our children both say we are both much happier now than when together and our friends have told us we should give lessons on how to have a good divorce!
 
nwlady said:
I'll bet the women leave the greater % of the time. That's bet is only because that's what I see most often. Seems like the men are way more willing to stay, and again, that's only in the divorces I see around here.

When I see tv, and movies, I can't help but dream about some of the things women do now that seems so inviting. I know that like my grandmother, many women stayed home and raised kids, did housework, and their big fling was to the grocery store. Men, like my grandpa left home everyday for work, got out of the house, was free of children, etc. I think women more often feel they've missed out on so much. When the man retires, he is ready to play, or often, just stay home. The women wants to do more, I think I would too.

A lot of single/divorced men I meet, are all sad because their wives left and "they" say, took all the dough. A lot of those same men are stick in the muds, and don't even want to get out of the house. That's where I'm getting my ideas, is from talking to folks like that.
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I know of one woman who is leaving her husband and one of the primary reasons is she says she's tired of 'taking care of him' as in he needs a mother more than he needs a wife. She says if she ever gets married again, it would be to someone who would take care of her once in a while.
 
Joslyn said:
Hello. I agree with you in part. A lot of men are left by their wives, and, yes, many of the wives leave and take a good portion of the couple's assets. I don't agree with those who are out to ruin the other half - fairness should always be the route to go. And sadly I have come across many bitter men. My ex husband and I were able to work through things very fairly and no way can he be called a stick in the mud. He got on with his life much sooner and more easily than myself. Our children both say we are both much happier now than when together and our friends have told us we should give lessons on how to have a good divorce!
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It's nice that you guys settled it amicably. Did you initially find that either of you were blamed by friends who didn't understand how the 'leaver' could do that to the other? And did they get over it?
 
Totally understand why this lady would leave him. In marriage, husband takes care of wife and visa/versa........that is, IF both are healthy enough to do that. That's the way our marriage is and should be in any marriage!

However, my SIL and her husband decided to part ways, but not divorcing, b/c of his health. They are both in their late 60's and been married for years upon years. She told us, "Can't take care of him anymore", whereas the truth is, and she also told us this, "he doesn't want my help and I'd rather be around the grandkids than him". He moved into an apartment where he can get the health-care help, if he needs it. They still see each other, at times, but she has taken her wedding set off. They both seem very happy living apart.

Just got an e-mail from another lady that use to be a co-worker of my wife. Her husband has had his "ups and downs" w/health for quite a while. She's had health issues as well. In the e-mail, she told us "I feel bad for feeling this way, but I'm getting tired of taking care of him." No talk of divorce or split, but she does feel this way. They are in their early 70's.

Debby said:
I know of one woman who is leaving her husband and one of the primary reasons is she says she's tired of 'taking care of him' as in he needs a mother more than he needs a wife. She says if she ever gets married again, it would be to someone who would take care of her once in a while.
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Sad that a wife wouldn`t want to take care of her husband when he`s ill. Wasn`t that part of the vows? No fun,I`m sure,but wow. Of course,I know many women who were treated like crap their entire marriages who,I`m guessing,wouldn`t want to take care of the guy now,but then she should have gotten out years ago. If I even look the slightest bit tired my guy steps it up (he already does sooo much)and takes over doing things that I usually do. Not sure what I ever did to be so blessed.
 
Hello Debby. Our friends didn't lay "blame" really. They were saddened, but had seen it coming. They supported him, they supported me. He has remained much closer to them than myself, mainly because he is more of a social butterfly than I am and visits them regularly. I am welcomed into their homes but must admit I don't feel part of their crowd anymore. It isn't the same, can't be the same cause things aren't the same. We must move on.
 
Looked for forums on gray divorce, found this and registered, only to discover this thread was the only one and it didn't seem to generate responses too long after the initial post. In some respects, the contemplation of divorce is "the same old story," especially when an older partner falls for a younger woman - talk about a cliche. In other respects, every situation is unique in its own way. Tolstoy commented on this some 140 years ago: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Probably sounds more profound in Russian. In any case, is this subject no longer of interest here? Am I missing any other threads. In part, I'm interested in unloading, whining, contemplating the meaning of happiness/contentment, thinking about how one looks at the last 20-30 years, etc. If no replies, I might try an OP and see what happens.
 
Dear despair99,
Try to remember this :

Nobody can hurt you without your permission. ~ Mahatma Gandhi. :wave:

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