"Gray Divorce" - More Couples Over 50 Are Calling It Quits

despair99

New Member
Hurt, Revenge, Oblivion

My younger friend and I have resorted for years to "It is what it is." She's 26 years younger, single mother of three, two divorces. Educationally, culturally, politically we're like the proverbial chalk and cheese, and yet for almost six years we have told each other that we're BFFs and love each other deeply, etc. Again, the usual cliches. But I'm married for 32 years, have two adult children (both of whom, thankfully, are a little younger than my friend). My wife and I run a business together - she's the money maker, I'm the back office. For more than a decade I've felt like more of an employee. We don't dislike each other, and to a point we still love each other. And there's that 32 years of shared, and fundamentally okay, history. But I'm not happy and dread however many more years I have on this earth. I don't want to divorce to be alone or to begin dating. I want to divorce to be with a woman who probably won't have me, for all the reasons you can guess.

Thanks for the comments. As for hurt - I'm doing that to myself. Revenge - no I don't want revenge on anyone. And oblivion - I'm the one seeking it for myself.






Dear despair99,
Try to remember this :

Nobody can hurt you without your permission. ~ Mahatma Gandhi. :wave:
 

Camper6

Well-known Member
I'll bet the women leave the greater % of the time. That's bet is only because that's what I see most often. Seems like the men are way more willing to stay, and again, that's only in the divorces I see around here.
I think you are right. In my opinion women are most dissatisfied with their lives.


Apr 17, 2014 - Some people do get butthurt incredibly easily, and I think there's a point ... But when you say, “Well, nobody can make you feel bad without your ... The actual “quote” is 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
 

hearlady

Senior Member
Location
N Carolina
Both partners will not be happy at the same time all of the time.
Neither will give 100% all the time. It will shift 80-20, 30-70, 99-1.
I get those "One of these days Alice!" moments but they usually don't last.
Is it fake to try when things are hard? Can you fake it til you make it in marriage or is it too late after many years?
 
Couples over fifty are getting divorced more frequently than they did in the past, here's some of the reasons why...



Full article: http://time.com/3479037/grey-divorce-boomers-no-fault-divorce/
honestly...i don't know how anyone can tolerate living with someone for 50+ yrs. let alone staying in love. it takes daily effort to make a relationship of any kind work. once the neglect sets in it's usually close to being too late by then.

love is great in the beginning. but once the new wears off & they get comfy...i don't know. i never had any luck with it. that's why i've chosen to remain alone. if i can't keep friends i can hardly expect to keep a love interest let alone a husband.
 

Warrigal

SF VIP
Sad that a wife wouldn`t want to take care of her husband when he`s ill. Wasn`t that part of the vows? No fun,I`m sure,but wow. Of course,I know many women who were treated like crap their entire marriages who,I`m guessing,wouldn`t want to take care of the guy now,but then she should have gotten out years ago. If I even look the slightest bit tired my guy steps it up (he already does sooo much)and takes over doing things that I usually do. Not sure what I ever did to be so blessed.
I'm glad you brought up the vows. I have always said that before making the vows one should ask "Is this the person I want to live the rest of my life with?" If you have any doubts about the answer then do not marry.

During the marriage it is sometimes necessary to reflect on our vows and recommit. When the day comes that we cannot commit to the vows again then the marriage is broken. If it cannot be mended then separation is better than living a lie.

Hubby and I have been married for 57 years and it wasn't all blissful but we have stayed true to the up and down sides of the vows we made all those years ago and worked our way through the rough patches. In sickness and in health is the next challenge ahead of us. Hopefully we can still be together as we both decline. I made this commitment just today.
 

911

Senior Member
Location
USA
I was called out to an older home out in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains of Pennsylvania. The man was 67 y/o and the woman was 68 y/o. He was drunk and beat the crap out of the dear old woman using his cane. I had to arrest him and she was begging me to let him stay. I told her no, the state will handle this and you need to go to the hospital. I called for an ambulance and she went willingly. I got her daughter’s phone number and advised her of the situation and she agreed to go to the hospital to be with her mother.

The EMT onboard told me that this was his second call of the day involving Seniors. I was surprised to hear that.
 

jerry old

redneck, but brainy
I surface every decade of so to take the pulse of society.
Last time I checked old folks were getting married, shacking up, doing whatever was
necessary to survive on meager incomes. The unions were driven by economic need.
I think that was in the 1980's.

Today, I guess the finality of a divorce is necessary for various reasons: assets is the only one that comes to mind.
Otherwise, just pack up, wave good by.
 

Don M.

Well-known Member
Location
central Missouri
For us, marriage is Forever. We've got 55 years under our belts, and I expect we'll make it the rest of the way. It hasn't always been totally "congenial", and we've had our fair share of disagreements, but we find a way to compromise. I can't imagine living without her, and one of my biggest objectives is to make sure she is well taken care of, if I go first.
 

jerry old

redneck, but brainy
For us, marriage is Forever. I can't imagine living without her, and one of my biggest objectives is to make sure she is well taken care of, if I go first.
That's the way we grew up-what happened?
Few of us understand the society were living in, worse-our opinions and mores, are 'ancient', mere oddities in this ugly new world.
 

grahamg

Senior Member
They actually nail it. A common cause can unite people. Throw some messy social stigma rules along with a legal nightmare and you have two people that can't stand each other living together. A common cause or specific purpose like money keeps people in jobs and with companies they can't stand/hate. They even tolerate people coworkers & peers because they have to, not because they want to. Break.
It took me decades before I realized just how "fake" people are in that most put on Oscar winning performances 90% of the time. It's not just about hiding something like a dirty little secret. Most go out of their way to seem socially acceptable because they want to belong/status. Most people go out of their way to hide physical weakness by using adrenaline to accomplish physical tasks. They drink or drug to hide emotional instability & insecurity. It's all a show for a personal agenda. Sure some are true blue but that's not the full reality.

The older I get the fewer surprises and shocks.
Your post rings many bells in my mind, in particular how long it took you to realise just how "fake" people are......"! (I may have started a thread on the subject recently. ).

Its certainly true most marriages used to last, (only 5% ending in divorce in the UK fifty years ago, an most of those divorcing or the larger percentage, wouldn't have been older couples). Divorce used to be thought of as unthinkable once for many people, certainly for themselves, come hell or high water, but generally I'd say people supported others in their marriages, or there was cultural support in some way, recognised by the state too. However, my father did speak of older couples who separated or divorced, and yet he mentioned it because it was noteworthily rare. :unsure: .
 

Victor

Member
Location
midwest USA
Judging from a relationship-marriage forum I visit, I am not surprised by this--old thread.
So many couples, admitting it or not, are going through the motions as roommates, partners
but the love is gone, or diminished, sex gone. Worldwide, in middle age. many would like a divorce
but cannot or will not. If the wife is working or has her own money, it is so much easier.
I know one woman who I wish was divorced.
 

grahamg

Senior Member
I think you are right. In my opinion women are most dissatisfied with their lives.
Apr 17, 2014 - Some people do get butthurt incredibly easily, and I think there's a point ... But when you say, “Well, nobody can make you feel bad without your ... The actual “quote” is 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Maybe, but some folks certainly go out of their way to try! :oops::( .
 
My brother divorced about 3-4 years ago, after about 35+ years. My relationship with his wife deteriorated right from the onset. I was his Best Man. I remember at the wedding, she was walking down the aisle. As she's about 20 feet away, my brother looked at me, and said, "I'm not going through with this". I didn't know if was just jitters or what. I told him to go through with the ceremony and, we'd get an annulment right after. He said, 'Okay". I can't say if my brother's marriage was a good one or not. That's up to him. But frankly, there were a lot of times I wonder what would have happened, if I didn't open my mouth, and he didn't go through with the marriage.
 

Aneeda72

Senior Member
honestly...i don't know how anyone can tolerate living with someone for 50+ yrs. let alone staying in love. it takes daily effort to make a relationship of any kind work. once the neglect sets in it's usually close to being too late by then.

love is great in the beginning. but once the new wears off & they get comfy...i don't know. i never had any luck with it. that's why i've chosen to remain alone. if i can't keep friends i can hardly expect to keep a love interest let alone a husband.
Hmm, well, we are at 48 years, besides the kids, grandkids, and great granddaughters we have one more thing in common-his paychecks 🤣
 


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