What Is The Real Reason Some Yearn For The Good old Days?

[911]

It is only natural to attempt to find a rational, linear explanation for such abuse. It soothes the mind, removes some of the horror around often inexplicable cruelty. Sadly, in most cases, it falls short. Abuse is about power, rage, victimisation, ridicule, sadism, rape, gaslighting, cruelty in all

its forms, even murder. It is raw, pathological, and primal. Not intellectual. Once you have been face to face with pure evil, analysis is not enough. It may help one to recognise a pattern, but I believe empathy provides many of the missing pieces.

Not long after I became an Investigator, I attended a workshop that centered on domestic violence. During the second and final day, we got into a discussion about children in a house with an abusive parent or parents. The moderator told us that parents generally will parent as they were raised. Chances are that abusive parents were abused themselves. This is the only way that they know how to parent.

On the way home, I considered this issue and I got to thinking if parents are grown adults, why didn’t they know better? They had to know that the abuse they suffered wasn’t the proper way to raise children, so why didn’t they change? I still haven’t gotten an acceptable answer to that question.

 

[911]

Yes, I have come to understand, far too late, that your last paragraph is far too true. I was in therapy was a few sessions. I have large chunks of memories of my childhood missing and therapists wanted to find those chunks, explore those chunks. I did not, still don”t.

The horrors I remember are enough for me.

Anyway, I asked a question. Although, my second marriage is a picnic compared to my first, I always had “user” friends. I asked one therapist why I had such poor people judgements. She responded “people choose what they are used too.”

I was used to abusive people. I had been abused my whole life. “People choose what they are used too.” It resounded in my mind. What the? It was a shattering insight. Similar to the old saying, “you made your bed, now lie in it.”

I have always taken responsibility for my decisions and my actions. But to learn I had made my self a repeat victim was shattering. I thought about it, long and hard. Humans can change, it’s hard, but they can change. I had raised my children not to be victims. I could teach myself not to be a victim.

My daughter remarked, a couple of decades ago, “Mom, you’ve changed”, after witnessing a disagreement between her dad and me. Yup, I used to be a doormat, a yes man, I’ve changed. I learned to “stand my ground”. I am still learning. The transition is hard on both of us.

I think the co-depend theory is true for some as well, but not me. I, apparently, unconsciously, chose who I used to be. Then I chose different.

What are “user” friends?

 

[911]

&

It is only natural to attempt to find a rational, linear explanation for such abuse. It soothes the mind, removes some of the horror around often inexplicable cruelty. Sadly, in most cases, it falls short. Abuse is about power, rage, victimisation, ridicule, sadism, rape, gaslighting, cruelty in all

its forms, even murder. It is raw, pathological, and primal. Not intellectual. Once you have been face to face with pure evil, analysis is not enough. It may help one to recognise a pattern, but I believe empathy provides many of the missing pieces.

If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?

 

[StarSong]

&

If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?

Many of us do recognize it. We go to therapy to learn healthy responses to child-raising frustrations so we don't beat, abuse or emotionally damage our own children.

With sexual abuse, while it's true that most sexual abusers were themselves abused, it's also true that most who were sexually abused do not repeat the behavior. I never touched my children - or any child - in that way, nor was I ever tempted to do so.

 

[needshave]

I guess you might say I work on and in the past. I have historical properties that I renovate back to the day, as well as I own antique vehicle that I restore. I love the architecture of the pasts (1800's) and the body styles and vehicles of the 1920's-1950's, But I use todays state of the art technology, equipment and tools to do it, so a bit of my own Twilight Zone.

 

[Shalimar]

&

If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?

Yes I am a Psychologist. Some of those abusive parents who were themselves abused don’t know any other way to parent. They don’t see their behaviour as abnormal.

 

[StarSong]

I guess you might say I work on and in the past. I have historical properties that I renovate back to the day, as well as I own antique vehicle that I restore. I love the architecture of the pasts (1800's) and the body styles and vehicles of the 1920's-1950's, But I use todays state of the art technology, equipment and tools to do it, so a bit of my own Twilight Zone.

I think you posted this on the wrong thread.

 

[needshave]

I think you posted this on the wrong thread.

I think you're right.....Thanks

 

[Irwin]

Hopefully, some abused children today record their abusers and so they have proof of what's happening to them. Technology can be a good thing. Almost every day, it seems, we see some asshole being publicly shamed or even arrested. Not that long ago, he or she would have gotten away with it. In the past, the abused often questioned whether they were to blame for the abuse or even if it really happened. Or that maybe they were just being overly sensitive.

One thing is certain, though: there is a lot of evil in the world. It makes me sad to think of all the pets who are abused and suffer because they live with evil people who will probably never be punished. And just look at stories in the news about politicians who do so much harm with the support of voters who cheer on approvingly.

Bleh.

 

[StarSong]

I think you posted this on the wrong thread.

We've all done it at one time or another.

 

[Aneeda72]

&

If I remember correctly, you are a Psychologist. So I have often wondered about the question that I asked in my last post, which goes like: “If a parent was abused as a child, why don’t they recognize that as not the proper way to raise children and change the normal?” It’s hard for me to believe that a grown adult wouldn’t recognize his/her wrong doings and either make the change or get help to learn how how to make the change. Why must the situation continue to be repeated?

Many abused children become foster parents, psychologists, doctors, social workers, police, etc. Who better to understand an abused child than an adult who was an abused child? The situation is often not repeated.

I spanked my daughter once. She remembers it, I remember it. She laughed while I did it. Three slaps on her butt. She thought it was funny then, she thinks it’s funny now. I slapped the face of my son once in front of his teacher and some of his school friends.

He does not remember the incident. There are some names you never call a woman, let alone your mother, and he used one of them. My hand hitting his face surprised me. I guess some things just happen.

 

[Aneeda72]

What are “user” friends?

Long story, short version. Friends for 35 years, lived across the street from each other, watched our children grow up together etc. I literately saved one of their daughters life. (One of the few stellar moments of my life). We moved. They moved.

I gave them a key to my house. They grew up in Utah and I knew they would want come back and visit family and friends. Told them come anytime, even if we are on vacation, my house is your house. Except, my house became their hotel room. More complicated than that, of course. The second year I got my key back and then changed the locks.

 

[Phoenix]

Again I weep, touched by the light of your words. It is my fervent hope, that in my brokenness I can serve as a small candle in the bleak darkness of my client’s pain. If I could make it out of the pit, so can they. Even should we return there from time to time. Until they can believe again, I will hold their hope for them. I will also sit in the pit with them, share their suffering. We can weep together until they are ready to take my hand and begin to climb

It's admirable what you do. They know that you know. It helps immensely to be truly understood. That kind of understanding is hard to come by.

When I was trying to climb out of my holes I saw it as being in the toilet with steep slippery sides. I kept getting part way up, losing my grip and sliding back into the poop, breathing it in and swallowing it.

When I worked for Childrens Services I saw lots of kids who were badly abused. They needed so much help, and the state kept cutting the funds that would have helped them. Two of my clients, a gal and her baby, were being abused by her husband. She was hardly more than a teenager. So one day on company time I picked her up at her house, bought her a bus ticket to BC with my own money where her parents were and helped her escape. (I didn't have much money. The job paid very little) Her mother contacted me and thanked me. Her mom sent me the cost of the ticket. I never asked her to do that. Her parents had been so worried about her. I never told anyone at Childrens Services what I had done.

 

[Shalimar]

It's admirable what you do. They know that you know. It helps immensely to be truly understood. That kind of understanding is hard to come by.

When I was trying to climb out of my holes I saw it as being in the toilet with steep slippery sides. I kept getting part way up, losing my grip and sliding back into the poop, breathing it in and swallowing it.

When I worked for Childrens Services I saw lots of kids who were badly abused. They needed so much help, and the state kept cutting the funds that would have helped them. Two of my clients, a gal and her baby, were being abused by her husband. She was hardly more than a teenager. So one day on company time I picked her up at her house, bought her a bus ticket to BC with my own money where her parents were and helped her escape. (I didn't have much money. The job paid very little) Her mother contacted me and thanked me. Her mom sent me the cost of the ticket. I never asked her to do that. Her parents had been so worried about her. I never told anyone at Childrens Services what I had done.

Thanks for your kind words. What you did for that mother and baby was the stuff of angels. Bless you

 

[Phoenix]

Thanks for your kind words. What you did for that mother and baby was the stuff of angels. Bless you

Thank you. I could have lost my job. But sometimes one has to do what's right, no matter the personal cost.

 

[Damaged Goods]

The good old days can't hurt me. I was healthier, more care free, and the first death in the immediate family (maternal grandfather) didn't occur until I was in my 30s.

Damn straight I love the good old days

 

[Ruthanne]

I love the good old days when I was a child with the holidays and they were very very nice because we had a big family and celebrated everything all the time.

But times change and we have to roll with the times I guess and we can never go back to the times of old
except in our memories and in our memories they live there forever.

So we make new memories and hopefully they will be memorable too.

 

[Ruthanne]

Sometimes leaving home after finishing school does not preclude carrying the past with you. Childhood trauma will do that. Often, all the adult accomplishments, travelling etc simply aren’t enough to wash the pain away. For some, even therapy can have limited success.

And that's why a person has to treasure all the resources that they can find outside of therapy. There are many of them if people just look and find them. And of course many of these resources are within ourselves if we just look.

 

[Mr. Ed]

I don't yearn for days gone past, however, memories of the past are looked upon favorably. My family moved often due to father's profession for that I am grateful to experience different communities and new friends.

 

[Mr. Ed]

It was "acceptable" under certain circumstances to hit your spouse and kids. Police and governments in general went unchecked. The number of schools in the country was grossly under what it should have been. Bigotry was alive and flourishing. A woman's right to not be sexually harrassed at work was non-existent. The foods in supermarkets went largely unregulated for safety. Truth in labeling for medicines and food went unchecked.
A workers right to appeal company's decision to terminate for no reason did not exist. Unions were corrupt. Chemical pollution of water bodies was not monitored. Littering was everywhere. Quality in American products was a joke. I'm sure I left some things out about life back when but it should be enough to make one rethink living 50-70 years ago was better than today.

But it was the good ole days, what else is there to say. Ignorance is bliss to the child with hopes and aspirations of becoming an adult.

 

[Mr. Ed]

As my dad always said, there were no good old days. But there are people I miss.

Your dad was a wise man

 

[Phoenix]

Your dad was a wise man

Yes, he was. Dad was from a family of loggers. When Dad was 15 the donkey, a big machine that pulled over the huge trees, pulled one over onto his father and killed him. It was Oct. 1929. Dad had to quit school to support his mother. There were no jobs for women here on the west coast where he lived. The family was dirt poor - which meant they lived in a house with a dirt floor. Dad had rheumatic fever that damaged his heart when he was very young. There were a lot of things that happened that were hard to deal with. There were no doctors. So anyone who thinks it was better back when....

 

[911]

Yes, he was. Dad was from a family of loggers. When Dad was 15 the donkey, a big machine that pulled over the huge trees, pulled one over onto his father and killed him. It was Oct. 1929. Dad had to quit school to support his mother. There were no jobs for women here on the west coast where he lived. The family was dirt poor - which meant they lived in a house with a dirt floor. Dad had rheumatic fever that damaged his heart when he was very young. There were a lot of things that happened that were hard to deal with. There were no doctors. So anyone who thinks it was better back when....

We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.

 

[Pinky]

We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.

My brother-in-law died the same way .. just dropped dead after shopping at Costco, while they were putting groceries in the car trunk.

He was in his 70's and had heart bypass surgery .. was in cardiac ward for a long time. He suddenly felt cold, and just dropped. Doctor said he was probably gone before he even hit the ground .. it was that quick.

 

[Phoenix]

We had a Trooper of 33 y/o and was just standing and talking with another Trooper before going on patrol. Suddenly, he stopped talking and his eyes got real big and he fell over dead. The Coroner initially ruled a heart attack, but because he was so young, an autopsy was performed and they found that the walls of his heart were heavily scarred and the heart had become enlarged. After doing a family investigation, the Coroner found that the Trooper had rheumatic fever as a child. It happened just that quick. It was quite a shock to all of us.

That is a terrible shock. It is/was a horrible disease. My dad was from a family where even the guys lived to be in their upper 80s and 90s. Dad died two weeks short of 70. My sister had rheumatic fever when she was a kid. She said it was the only time when she was thin. She nearly died at that time. She lived to be 64 and died from cancer. They could not give her the treatment that would work best because it would further damage her heart.

Pinky, I'm sorry about your brother-in-law.