Ron's ex has escalated. Any advice?

Decide what you're going to do about the current issues, then no more. People like her forever move the lines once they get one demand met. Good book to read is The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Not that I think she sounds like a physical danger, but he discusses people who don't respect boundaries, dangerous or not.
 

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I know where your coming from Ronni I had the same thing for close to 30 years ...the ex always phoning / contacting / demanding something ...the last resort was a call from her to say her alcoholic prescription drug Addict partner had died :eek:She never had hubs mobile number so I disconnected the home phone .,.when I’d answer the phone she’d say I WANT to talk to Ron ..,no please thank you ..demand to speak to him about something about the adult kids that were about 36 and 40 at the time.

I never had any discussions with her I left it up to hubby but he always listened to her and did what she asked to keep the peace the last thing was his daughter wanted the old deli milkshake maker
I used often ...,but it was claimed it was the daughters to use NOT MINE

So believe me it will never stop 🛑....yep remove the turtles and anything that belongs to the Girls ..but she will find new ammunition to fire year in year out ...
 
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@Kadee46
Just an aside:
"demand to speak to him about something about the adult kids that were about 36 and 40 at the time"
Your children are your children forever. Their age has nothing to do with it. IMO
 

@Ronni

Your first post here is a manuscript. And I recall other threads about this ex- wife problem.

Julie is very clever and successful. She knew how to disrupt your honeymoon. She knows how to harass both you & Ron - and both of you continue to allow it.

So...Ron was furious. So Ron puts the phone on speaker. Woohoo. 🙄

Video the inside of YOUR home?!? Whoever gave access should be permanently banned. 🤬

Ron needs to text or email Julie and tell her no more communication in any form unless it's a true emergency... AND if she continues the harassment both he & you will take legal action. PERIOD. No more discussion.

Or, continue to put up with it.

The choice is his & yours.
 
Shalimar said:
Lots of great ideas posted here. I don’t think the OP is dodging the issue, but rather exploring various options in order to minimise the situation rather than feed the drama.
Of course, should situation escalate, then strong measures need to be set in place.
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Thanks @Shalimar that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm documenting everything she's sent, in text and audio files. I'm making notes. Nothing remains in our house that the kids needs to come in here to get...turtles are gone, for those of you who suggested that!

We have both distanced ourselves from her, blocked her, etc. She's called Ron from two or three different numbers now in an attempt to get to him, and her last couple voicemails from those numbers have been vicious, rude, combative, accusative, and demanding. We have no interest in feeding the drama, involving the kids, or engaging with her, which is exactly what she wants. I've had enough experience with my ex to understand the mechanisms at play.

We're not yet ready to turn to legal means. It's a touchy area. Ron doesn't want to alienate his kids, and I understand that completely, and there is the potential for that happening with a restraining order or order of protection etc. So we're taking other measures. We're very aware of the need to protect ourselves. We're changing the door code (we have a keyless entry system) and we already have security cameras installed. That, and documenting everything, is what we're doing right now. I have a couple friends in law enforcement and I'm going to talk to them unofficially to see if there's anything they can suggest.
 
applecruncher said:
@Ronni

Your first post here is a manuscript. And I recall other threads about this ex- wife problem.

Julie is very clever and successful. She knew how to disrupt your honeymoon. She knows how to harass both you & Ron - and both of you continue to allow it.

So...Ron was furious. So Ron puts the phone on speaker. Woohoo. 🙄

Video the inside of YOUR home?!? Whoever gave access should be permanently banned. 🤬

Ron needs to text or email Julie and tell her no more communication in any form unless it's a true emergency... AND if she continues the harassment both he & you will take legal action. PERIOD. No more discussion.

Or, continue to put up with it.

The choice is his & yours.
Click to expand...

This stings a bit.

We're NOT continuing to put up with it, that's the entire POINT. She's blocked. We're not engaging. We have zero control about what measures SHE takes to continue to reach Ron by the devious means she's employed.

I don't know what you find unappealing about Ron putting the phone on speaker or why you would want to focus on that as some kind of an issue.

His kids will be impacted with whatever steps we take. He is sensitive to that, and I don't blame him in the least. He's trying to walk a line that protects his and my privacy and boundaries while at the same time not taking such extreme measures that his kids are impacted negatively. It's not an easy situation to navigate and my "manuscript" is an effort to provide enough information for you all to offer some informed advice. If it's too much for you to read, that's totally fine. Move on.
 
@Ronni, whatever happens may or may not impact his kids negatively due to their MOTHERS behavior. Not because of their father. They're grown adults and they know how their mother is.

I think if you both continue to ignore her, eventually she'll burn out.

I wish you and Ron an easy time of it; go and enjoy your lives and each other.
 
applecruncher said:
@win231

Betty Broderick wasn't ignored. Multiple restraining orders, arrests, financial punishment.

And Julie wasn't scorned.
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A woman does not have to actually be scorned to feel scorned. People often base their actions on how they feel; not how they should feel.
Women whose husbands re-marry after a divorce often say, "He left me for another woman," when the truth is closer to, "Our marriage fell apart, we divorced, & he moved on & re-married."
 
My husband's ex ingratiated herself with his family, and since she controlled access to the grandkids, she was invited to every family gathering. She disrespected me in his presence exactly once. I don't know what he said to her, but it never happened again. He made it clear to his family that if she persisted, he'd simply stop attending family functions. If someone tried to stir things up by telling him things she said behind our backs, his response was, "OK". He wouldn't be provoked, he wouldn't engage. She tried to friend me once on FB and he told me to simply ignore it. He said don't give her the satisfaction of making you block her, just don't engage at all

I certainly didn't want to separate him from his family. I had no idea what to do. But he took charge, he said it was his ex, his family and his responsibility. The whole thing made me love and respect him even more.
 
applecruncher said:
@win231

Betty Broderick wasn't ignored. Multiple restraining orders, arrests, financial punishment.

And Julie wasn't scorned.
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She's the one who filed for divorce after taking off for California with the girls when they were younger. They begged their Dad to come get them, and he did, and he raised them after that till they moved out as adults.

Julie (Ron's ex) remarried quite some time ago. @Ronni correct me if I'm mistaken.
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5ish years ago I believe. They separated a couple times when the girls were young, but Ron pushed for reconciliation because he wanted to keep the family intact. But she eventually took off for Cal and had a variety of boyfriends over the years before she and her husband Chris got together. Ron spent his time raising the girls, and though he dated a bit, there was no one serious and no one he introduced the girls to till me.

And honestly, I think that him being single all that time contributed to Julie's fantasy that they were still a nuclear family, with Chris and I as adjuncts to it. He would agree to attend gatherings for birthdays, christmas etc., so that Julie could see the girls, and then when they were older he continued to go to the same things at Julie's invitation because he had nothing better to do. Once I came along, I was included, but I was never entirely comfortable because the first time I attended something Julie welcomed me to THEIR family. 😣 It felt weird, the vibe was weird. I'm not the jealous sort, it wasn't jealousy. But Julie seemed very proprietary about Ron, and insisted on "educating" me about who he was, the kind of person he was, his likes and dislikes etc. Like I said...weird. I finally told her straight up that I wasn't comfortable discussing him and that I didn't think it was appropriate. She didn't like that.
 
@Ronni, given that Ron's children are all well into adulthood, why would he need to discuss his children and grandchildren with his ex? Can his children not reach out themselves? If there's an emergency wouldn't one of the other siblings, a spouse or child get in touch with him?

Seems to me Julie is toxic rather than supportive when it comes to Ron and his relationship with his children, not to mention his relationship with you.
 
It seems as though the adult children need to be strong enough to not allow themselves to be manipulated by their mother. This seems all too common after divorce. I truly feel for both you and Ron. I went through this with my Aussie ex and his adult children. Unfortunately, he was too cowed by his ex-wife to stand up to her. Ron has my respect. It can't be easy for him.
 
win231 said:
A woman does not have to actually be scorned to feel scorned. People often base their actions on how they feel; not how they should feel.
Women whose husbands re-marry after a divorce often say, "He left me for another woman," when the truth is closer to, "Our marriage fell apart, we divorced, & he moved on & re-married."
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Well, my first husband spent the night of our sons birth at his girlfriends. Then when he came in the next day and I asked him where he had been. He told me where. When I got home from the hospital, via my mother, and felt better; the “blowout occurred”.

He left via the police telling him too after the neighbors called them. Later he returned home, because in the 60’s there was no way to keep him out. Two states and two moves later (because of his job), another girlfriend, another “blowout”. I left with my son. We divorced. WE MOVED ON. We remarried.

When he heard I was remarrying, even though he had already remarried, he called and said I was remarrying on the rebound. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry off thread, had to response to @win231
 
StarSong said:
@Ronni, given that Ron's children are all well into adulthood, why would he need to discuss his children and grandchildren with his ex? Can his children not reach out themselves? If there's an emergency wouldn't one of the other siblings, a spouse or child get in touch with him?

Seems to me Julie is toxic rather than supportive when it comes to Ron and his relationship with his children, not to mention his relationship with you.
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She is toxic. I agree.

He's trying to not have his kids be the go-between. His folks were divorced, and didn't speak, and he and his sibs were used to transmit messages back and forth between the parents for things like scheduling ... e.g. who was doing thanksgiving/Christmas when ... that kind of thing. He remembers hating it, and it being really uncomfortable and difficult. He just doesn't want his kids to have to do the same.

It's cumbersome, but honestly I'd be willing to deal with that if it meant that we/he didn't have to have any contact with Julie. We've talked about it a bit. Trying to overcome his memories of being in that position is difficult.
 
Pinky said:
It seems as though the adult children need to be strong enough to not allow themselves to be manipulated by their mother. This seems all too common after divorce. I truly feel for both you and Ron. I went through this with my Aussie ex and his adult children. Unfortunately, he was too cowed by his ex-wife to stand up to her. Ron has my respect. It can't be easy for him.
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Thanks Pinky. No, it's definitely not easy for Ron. He's not cowed by Julie, just for the longest time before he met me, he had no reason to not be accommodating for the most part. He also respected the fact that she is his children's mother, and whatever his personal feelings towards Julie he tried to not let those feelings create a situation for his kids.
 

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