Ron's ex has escalated. Any advice?

Do Ron’s kids know about her harassing phone calls, etc?

Why are they allowing themselves to be manipulated by Julie?

I gather that the only reason that Ron isn’t taking direct action against Julie is because of them and fear of losing them in his life.
 

Aneeda72 said:
This was suggested to me by my muliple doctors. I should have therapy to learn how to deal with husbands behavior via the “correct” way to respond. Plus lots of things were suggested for different situations. The one I use most, bite my tongue, and ignore blah, blah, blah.
Click to expand...
I use that mechanism often when dealing with certain clients who embrace a passive aggressive way of life rather than do the work of investing in their emotional well-being. Covid makes it worse. When I need something more, I turn to violence. In my spare room I keep a big pink foam bat, and a purple sequinned plastic one. I use them to kill the bed. 😁
 
My mother took up painting at one time. She sent me a self portrait. Why me, why me, why not my brother? My brother likes her. Then I learned why she sent it to me. Do you still have the painting I sent you? Yes, I do.

She came here once. Do you still have the painting I sent you? Yes, yes I do. Can I see it? 🤦🏻‍♀️ Yes, yes you can. I keep it in the cardboard wrapping she sent it to me in. When she dies, if she ever does, I will send it to my brother. Who, occasionally asks me, do you still have the painting mom gave you. I’d sent it now, but mother would have a fit.

He is jealous. When he learned I had grandmothers ring which she gave me as a HS graduation present, he wanted it. I had it for 40 years, gave it to him, he gave it to his adult daughter, who lost it. He wanted a book grandmother gave me, I gave it to him.

When he learned I had pictures of dad which I rescued from mother he wanted them. I gave them to him. Even though he hates dad. Then mother wanted me to give him pictures of her that she had given to me. I gave them to him. Had this stuff over 40 years. He can have it. He can have it all.
G
Its just stuff. Give Julie what she wants, IMO. After all, you can not take it with you.
 

Last edited:
Knight said:
The drawing........
Any escalation after taking away the root cause can be dealt with on the merits of what the escalation is.
Click to expand...

The root cause isn’t the drawing. She began escalating the closer we got to the wedding. She hounded Ron, and me, and her daughter about being allowed to attend, then began making up reasons she should just “drop by” on our wedding day.

Before that it was drama about how we were keeping her from her newest granddaughter.

Before that it was how we shouldn’t have the wedding at all because of Covid.

There is always drama. There has always been. It’s just gotten worse and worse as our wedding day got closer.

I think she regrets divorcing Ron, but it was ok for years because she had unlimited access to him. Then I came along and the dynamic changed and she hasn’t handled that well. She said as much in one of her nasty voicemails...about how Ron and her always maintained “our family” before I came along and how “the b***h needed to stop interfering in “her family” etc.

There will always be something as long as we keep engaging. Threatening her with a restraining order is engaging. Telling her
to knock it off is engaging. Giving her the sketch back is engaging. (Even apart from the fact that it isn’t hers to begin with) That’s what she wants, to maintain the connection by whatever means.

We are not about to give her that.
 
Jules said:
Do Ron’s kids know about her harassing phone calls, etc?

Why are they allowing themselves to be manipulated by Julie?

I gather that the only reason that Ron isn’t taking direct action against Julie is because of them and fear of losing them in his life.
Click to expand...
Exactly.

He doesn’t badmouth her to his kids. They ask him about stuff because she calls them and complains or plays the victim. He will tell them what went down if they ask. They are aware that she’s dysfunctional...no, I take that back, I don’t think they’ve ever said that. That’s my word for her.

They’ve referred to her as complex or difficult, and that their relationship with her has always been complicated.
 
It's not my life but......... If I was on my honeymoon, I certainly wouldn't be looking at any texts on any phones. I would walk along the beach/lake, drinking wine, smooching at every chance, singing songs, thinking about making love & just planning our future. I certainly wouldn't be looking at texts from nutters! You just gotta learn where that little "power off" switch is.
 
Packerjohn said:
It's not my life but......... If I was on my honeymoon, I certainly wouldn't be looking at any texts on any phones. I would walk along the beach/lake, drinking wine, smooching at every chance, singing songs, thinking about making love & just planning our future. I certainly wouldn't be looking at texts from nutters! You just gotta learn where that little "power off" switch is.
Click to expand...
I finally learned that. I have not spoken to my ex in over 20 years.
 
In post #1 you covered her past then added this new info midway in the second paragraph. Then continued about the sketch until almost the end. For this particular post your focus was on the sketch being the root cause for the ongoing reason for engaging.

Quote
"The day after the wedding, two days before we were leaving on our honeymoon, she called Ron and demanded to have returned to her a sketch she drew of their oldest daughter when she was a baby."

The sketch was drawn by her during their marriage. For arguments sake lets suppose the sketch has a real value of 50k that she brought to the marriage. For equitable distribution of assets in a divorce wouldn't that 50k sketch go to her? If no why not?

As for engaging her eliminating a source of contention. You mentioned Ron would deal with that problem when you came back from your honeymoon. Did he and are you satisfied with the results?
 
I agree with copying the picture and giving her the original. She sounds like a real PITA nut case, one who would have brought about my wrath by now. I have the same question as @Knight. Was it handled yet?
 
Knight said:
In post #1 you covered her past then added this new info midway in the second paragraph. Then continued about the sketch until almost the end. For this particular post your focus was on the sketch being the root cause for the ongoing reason for engaging.

Quote
"The day after the wedding, two days before we were leaving on our honeymoon, she called Ron and demanded to have returned to her a sketch she drew of their oldest daughter when she was a baby."

The sketch was drawn by her during their marriage. For arguments sake lets suppose the sketch has a real value of 50k that she brought to the marriage. For equitable distribution of assets in a divorce wouldn't that 50k sketch go to her? If no why not?

As for engaging her eliminating a source of contention. You mentioned Ron would deal with that problem when you came back from your honeymoon. Did he and are you satisfied with the results?
Click to expand...
Post #64, I believe Ronni is now handling things, not Ron.
 
Wow! She is at least 50 shades of crazy fulled by unrealistic jealousy.
Girl stand your ground, completely ignore her, but make sure she understands that at no time is she welcome in your house, screen time or any other way or you will pursue legal action.
Make a photocopy of the picture in question and give her the original.
As for her daughter who thought it was fine to have an open house inspection whilst neither of you were home, I suggest you put her turtles outside and then please change the locks of your house.
The hide of some people!
 
Aneeda72 said:
Post #64, I believe Ronni is now handling things, not Ron.
Click to expand...
It sounds like it. I'm more of a confront the issue and get whatever settled. As for the texts & ongoing grief via phone. After the 1st call I would take the sim cards out & buy a burner phone. Giving out the number to only the trusted daughter for any emergency.

Burner is available on iOS and Android, and comes with a free trial that lasts seven days, 20 minutes, or 60 messages. You can get unlimited voice minutes and texts in the area code of the user's choice for 8 credits, which costs from about $4 to $4.99, depending on whether you buy credits in bulk. If you want to pay as you go, the standard Burner is 30 days / 50 minutes / 150 texts for 5 credits.). In our testing, it took between 10 and 15 seconds to set up a new number.
 
Last edited:
Filming / video of your / Ron’s home is a gross invasion of privacy IMO..... you really don’t know what the guilty party ( s) looked at / touched in cupboards / drawers / your bedroom


Think about it who has keys to the home other than you ......I’d be changing locks ASAP:(
 
Last edited:
Millyd said:
Filming / video of your / Ron’s home is a gross invasion of privacy IMO..... you really don’t know what the guilty party ( s) looked at / touched in cupboards / drawers / your bedroom


Think about it who has keys to the home other than you ......I’d be changing locks ASAP:(
Click to expand...
I have nothing in my house that I would worry about anyone else seeing. But I would be worried about virus contamination if someone touched all my stuff. I still wipe down my groceries, fast food containers etc. Anything that comes in gets wiped down.
 
Millyd said:
Filming / video of your / Ron’s home is a gross invasion of privacy IMO..... you really don’t know what the guilty party ( s) looked at / touched in cupboards / drawers / your bedroom


Think about it who has keys to the home other than you ......I’d be changing locks ASAP:(
Click to expand...
Yeah, the fact that she saw everything in the house really creeped me out!! Luckily my daughter was going over to the house to take care of the plants while we were on our honeymoon, and she knows the house pretty well, so she was able to oversee things and make sure nothing out of the ordinary happened. She also cleaned sanitized it thoroughly for us before we got back!!

And yeah, we took care of the security as soon as we got back from our Honeymoon...changed the code on the keypad locks we have. Repositioned the cameras so that we can see the cars along with everything else (potential vandalism) We make sure the alarm is on at night, that the alarm is engaged on his work van, and that everything's secure.
 
StarSong said:
Me, too.
Click to expand...

Don’t mistake my or Ron’s lack of response with fear or unwillingness. Refusing to engage and distancing oneself from an aggressor is a strategy, not a reaction.

From a psychological perspective, some kind of response is exactly what this personality type wants. It doesn’t matter whether it’s positive or negative as long as it’s responsive. So responding in any manner, whether it’s returning the photo to her, taking out a restraining order, demanding she never contact us again, whatever, she has achieved her goal.

When I started this thread, I was at my wits end and was just sort of knee-jerk reacting to the latest drama and situation. But as I read your responses, calmed down a bit and got a better handle on me emotions, I finally began to recall my years of training and education and therapy after escaping the abuse and control and domination of my ex. I stopped just reacting emotionally and began to realize that this went way deeper than a sketch, that she’s been escalating for some time and this was a further escalation, and that responding in ANY way is not how you handle a toxic person like her.

We’re still taking all reasonable precautions because as long as she continues to escalate there’s no telling what she’ll do next. But if she stays true to pattern, which a large percentage do, she’ll eventually tire of trying to provoke a response and will move on to the next drama, though she may revisit this one occasionally to see if anything’s changed, just like my ex continues to do even after 20 years. 😂🤦🏼‍♀️
 
RadishRose said:
I agree with you Ronni. As I've said; "ignore".

Hopefully, Ron won't let his concern for his grown children's feelings drive him. They're bonded; they will always love him and are free to be with him whenever.
Click to expand...

He was so hot about this, so furious at Julie, that he wanted to charge in like my knight in shining armor and defend me from the vicious awful things she said about me. And call his kids and break his vow to never bad mouth their mother to them and tell them just what a piece of **** she was, and defend us both to them too, because he was certain she was calling and ranting to them about us. He's been that way ever since he listened to the voice mails. I made him promise me to not do ANYTHING till he'd calmed down and we could talk.

We talked a long time last night. I reminded him that his girls love him, that they CHOSE him to raise them and be there for them, that he is the one they always turn to, talk to, hang with. Yes, Sheri is more connected with her Mom, but Sheri is also the savvy one, always playing the angles, and she's long since realized that it's in HER best interests to not alienate her Mom, but that has never stopped her from being her Dad's ally and remaining close to him.

We also talked about my relationship with his girls and that it's solid. I survived a couple rocky patches with them (I've posted about them here) by owning my stuff and continuing to communicate, while maintaining my boundaries, all to a good result. We have a good relationship, and I'm a big girl and am perfectly capable of defending myself to them if the need arises. That we have zero control over what their Mom tells them, but complete control over creating the kind of relationship we want with them regardless.

And we also talked at length about what I've already communicated here...who she is at her core, her unstable state, her mechanisms etc., and how important it is for us to not react, but to adopt a strategy that works in the vast majority of cases.
 
I am no psychiatrist, but from what I have learned and using my own wisdom, I can give you a little advice. First is that you and Ron have to learn to "let go." Just stop communicating. You owe her nothing, Ron's daughters are old enough to make their own decisions and choices, so there is no need for contact in that regard. Secondly and the most important is that each time one of you, no matter who it is, contacts or answers her call or questions, you are keeping her in your life and validating her existence. This in turn gives her reason to keep playing the game.

There is an excellent book on the shelf titled, "The Art of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Really good reading.

Ask Shalimar. I'll bet that she is familiar with it.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top