Friendly Advice Needed

Pepper said:
The word burden hit me in the heart. No big deal, @tbeltrans, no worries. Just expressing myself.
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No problem. I think we cleared it up in a jiffy. ;)

My parents had 10 kids. Though I am not certain about my mother, I know with certainty that my dad didn't want kids at all. I won't go into all that, but suffice it to say that I am sure this attitude contributed to that aspect of our parents to my siblings and I. As I said, family dynamics are quite different from family to family.

It seems, based on what you have said, that your family is/was probably a lot closer than mine. Since our situation is what I grew up in and seemed normal to me, I don't feel deprived of anything about it.

Tony
 
From reading your reaction, saying NO is a complete sentence but considering it’s family you may wish to explain that you are quite happy living alone. One needs to always honour their own wishes first. Perhaps over time your feelings might change but if they don’t, at least you won’t be resenting her for a decision you made.
 

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Keesha said:
From reading your reaction, saying NO is a complete sentence but considering it’s family you may wish to explain that you are quite happy living alone. One needs to always honour their own wishes first. Perhaps over type your feelings might change but if they don’t, at least you won’t be resenting her for a decision you made.
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In responding to your post, I am assuming that your post was referring to the OP. In that assumption, I agree completely with your advice here.

Tony
 
If it weren't for the 55 and over housing situation I would let her move in. I am basing this on my own kids though. They would most certainly help out while they were with me and I know I would enjoy their company.
Moving would not be an option for me and my kids would understand that.
I can't seem to get the idea of kicking them out when they are 18. They are my children for life.
 
After my Dad passed away I made my 80yr old mother move in with me. I felt better with her living with me. On the other hand my Mom wasn't happy and said she would rather live with my sister. A few years after she passed away my son who was 40 yrs old got a divorce. He moved in with me and my husband. He lived with us for 2 yrs. Every other weekend he had his 2 sons. I loved having my grandson's there too.
The decision is your choice.
 
Mine took me in when I was in my 30s and readying for divorce. I had no place else to go at the time and no job. I got a job and helped pay rent until I could afford my own place. I think I was there a year. I was having a time adjusting and mom kept me going.

However if that's a senior living place they may not appreciate that. Is she not going to be able to work part time or anything?
 
I would let her move in, she might need her mom/dad. She might feel safer with you. If my place didn’t allow her to move in, I’d move and we would share a place. My child is my child. My daughter has let let her adult adopted daughters move back home several times despite their issues and misbehaviors.

Recently, my daughter, offered to travel to another state, pick up her homeless daughter who was sick, and rent her an apartment since the stupid girl did not want to live with her mothers rules. The girl refused. Her daughter had heart surgery, then went back to sleep at the homeless shelter.

My daughter has adopted her other adopted daughters daughter. My daughter was not planning on having a 2 year old at the age of 48; which means an 18 year old at age 64.

Having said this, you have to do what is right for you, and you have to live with the decision.
 
If she's just hinting, I wouldn't say anything but if she should ask, I would tell her that I don't want to be made to move from this place because I didn't follow rules. Then explain to her that it is a 55 plus apartment and that you don't think you should break the rules of any kind but especially the age rule.
 
I have carefully & slowly read all the responses & I thank everyone for your input. It appears that nearly 90% of the posters votes NO! I agree. My daughter is not desperate since she & her ex have a house for the last 10 years & will be selling it. The point that I live in a 55 plus apartment means that she is welcome to come & stay here for a few days only as a guest. However, she cannot move in. It is against the rules. Other considerations are that if need be I am willing & able to help her financially to move into an apartment. Also, who can say what the future might bring. Although I am happy to be single right now; in the future I just might met a "nice lady" who I just might want to bring home for a glass of wine & some of my "world famous" chili. LOL Having a judgemental daughter would cause complications that I no longer need at my age. I don't want to hear, "Dad, your too old for this" or "Dad, she is only after your money."

I also agree that when I was young we all left home ASAP. I headed for university & only returned home for a short visit. These days it seems that kids are coming home to live again every time something goes wrong in their lives. Anyway, it was interesting reading all the comments. We all need some "common sense" these days because common sense is getting less and less common as the years go by. Amen!
 
I’ve thought and thought about this, and I still don’t know, Packerjohn. I think, knowing me, that if I weren’t living in a over 50 community, it would be an immediate yes. But the fact that you are makes me pause.

If you would have to move, then absolutely no. But even if they would allow her to move in with you, it doesn’t seem like the best environment for her, and would mostly likely change your status within the community.

If she just wants to be there to be close to someone she loves while she gets over the divorce, then I think you should let her come. Not move in with you, but get her own place and you be the moral support and give her the encouragement she needs.
 
You certainly can and in my opinion, should tell her no. I graduated from college in my 30's. One advantage for myself going back to school later was parental income was not a consideration. Since I was low income, I got grants, loans and worked part time.

She can do it on her own. I have also known people who had much more debt than me because they lived off their loans and took out much more many than I did. My overall student loan debt was low and I paid it off fast. It sounds like she is willing to work and that is good. She can rent a place, a room, share a rental. She'll do it. She doesn't need to live with you.
 
Pecos said:
Don't get roped into something like this unless there are young Grandchildren in the equation.

In addition to the rules of the building, you probably has a social life that would be completely disrupted.
You could easily slip into the situation of cleaning up after her and doing her laundry.

I love my adult children, but I would never live with either one of them.

My wife's response: "No Way Jose."
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I have to put my two cents in here...when my husband passed away many years ago, the offer was on the table for me to move into either one of my daughters' home complete with grandchildren, etc. I refused in a gentle way of course...didn't want to offend, and being an independent spirit, super efficient, bossy and all, I simply knew it would never work. I took care of all...sold the house, which was a piece of cake as I had prepared and sold so many others during our vagabond lives, etc. and decided to pack up, hire a truck and move to the Prairies. No regrets.
 
My daughter stayed with us for a few days before she moved to Texas. Her, her husband, my granddaughter, my great granddaughter and six poodles, her fur babies. I wanted to kill myself 😂 but we all survived.

When they came for vacation they had to stay with us because of the fur babies, and it went better this time as granddaughter had stayed behind. Granddaughter is a difficult person. We mostly just dog sat the fur babies while they went off to visit friends. She took the human baby with them.

Could I do it on a full time basis, yes, would I be happy to do it, no. 🤣. I think @Packerjohn you made the right decision for you. I would make the wrong decision for me, probably. Just can not say no to the daughter. 😳
 
Sassycakes said:
After my Dad passed away I made my 80yr old mother move in with me. I felt better with her living with me. On the other hand my Mom wasn't happy and said she would rather live with my sister. A few years after she passed away my son who was 40 yrs old got a divorce. He moved in with me and my husband. He lived with us for 2 yrs. Every other weekend he had his 2 sons. I loved having my grandson's there too.
The decision is your choice.
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That sounds like a deja vu...my Mom moved in with me and my husband when she was 79yr (my dad had passed many years before that) because she didn't want to live with my younger brother and new wife....then lo and behold, my son returned home for a bit. She then declared she could not stay unless I was alone...objected to my husband and son being in house as well. So, what a to do...I simply helped her move on to another one of my brothers where she pretty well stayed until the end. She liked his wife because she was a hairdresser and kept Mom's hair up. Perhaps an element of jealousy...didn't want to share me...to this day, I still wonder about all of that.
 
Aneeda72 said:
My daughter stayed with us for a few days before she moved to Texas. Her, her husband, my granddaughter, my great granddaughter and six poodles, her fur babies. I wanted to kill myself 😂 but we all survived.

When they came for vacation they had to stay with us because of the fur babies, and it went better this time as granddaughter had stayed behind. Granddaughter is a difficult person. We mostly just dog sat the fur babies while they went off to visit friends. She took the human baby with them.

Could I do it on a full time basis, yes, would I be happy to do it, no. 🤣. I think @Packerjohn you made the right decision for you. I would make the wrong decision for me, probably. Just can not say no to the daughter. 😳
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I have to admit I would not be able to handle what you did...too many in-house...I like my space...I probably would give them a house key and check myself into a nice hotel...but come home for meals and then really hope that they would clean up before they left.
 
The best reason to say no
"I have been living alone since the death of my dear wife & I like being alone."

No reason to check to see if this can be altered.
"I think it might be better to say no up front. Besides, I live in a 55 plus apartment & this is not a multi-generation building. "

Hinting is a sign of immaturity. At 35 she should come straight out and say what she wants. If it was possible for you to get permission for her to live in 55 plus apartment with you. What happens to your liking to live alone if she starts enjoying the single life again?
 
tbeltrans said:
I don't understand this trend of adult kids moving back home. When I was growing up, it was a sign of adulthood to us kids to leave home as soon as possible - and not come back.
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Tony, back in the days when most of us were young, our parents had their rules and we abided by them. We were ready to go out on our own and establish our own lifes. Houses were smaller. Curfews. Chores. Could you imagine bringing your girlfriend home for the night or the weekend. It wouldn’t have happened with my parents. It’s often the norm now.
 
PackerJohn.....the very fact that you are asking this question, plus your opening message shows clearly how you feel about this. Say 'no'. You know it's what you want to say and most of us agree with you.
 

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