Today feels like the last straw

Even though there is “humanity heartbreak” layers of pain, there is its counterpart, “healing of layers of pain.” The horror of what you’ve been put through will never be forgotten, but eased as time goes by. Your strength of character will guide and help you heal.
 
Shalimar said:
In my line of work, a certain resilience and tough mindedness is required. Hopefully, I balance that with warmth and compassion, some vulnerability also. Sometimes, I weep, often I grieve for those who are too broken to heal, or suicide to escape unbearable pain. The

virus has caused so much anguish, on so many levels, to so many people, I have lost nine vets and three friends so far. But, I believe it is important to offer support where one can, either to clients, or frontline and essential workers. But today, I feel broken.I

am still recovering from injuries sustained when the son of one of my late female vets tossed me in the dumpster while I was taking out the garbage. I coped with the trauma, but barely. Today is a nightmare. I heard screaming coming from below my balcony. Vet

was standing there, totally distraught. I put on my mask and went outside, talked to him over the railing. He pulled out a gun, stuck it under his jaw, and pulled the trigger. I called the police, calmly dealt with them when they arrived. I am not ok. 😞
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Much Love, you will get through this horrible moment, Reach out please...

In your Darkest Moments do Not forget to turn on the Light...
 
Elsie said:
Even though there is “humanity heartbreak” layers of pain, there is its counterpart, “healing of layers of pain.” The horror of what you’ve been put through will never be forgotten, but eased as time goes by. Your strength of character will guide and help you heal.
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Thank you for kindness and words of wisdom, Elsie. ♥️
 
Shalimar........
by Elsie Doll
Through the shadowed cobwebs of my mind
My worries sift in syncopated time.
Broken, confused wrapped in sorrowful gloom
In a corner of my anemic tomb.
What's this? A fissure leaking humor in
Trailed by sunshine in the shape of a grin.
This transforming succor gives wings for flight
Out of my forever despair filled plight.
The cobwebs dissolve, the shadows erase
As I wing my way to the healing place
Where one finds courage to find a smile
No matter the stress, no matter the trial.
 
Elsie said:
Shalimar........
by Elsie Doll
Through the shadowed cobwebs of my mind
My worries sift in syncopated time.
Broken, confused wrapped in sorrowful gloom
In a corner of my anemic tomb.
What's this? A fissure leaking humor in
Trailed by sunshine in the shape of a grin.
This transforming succor gives wings for flight
Out of my forever despair filled plight.
The cobwebs dissolve, the shadows erase
As I wing my way to the healing place
Where one finds courage to find a smile
No matter the stress, no matter the trial.
Click to expand...
Ohh, how exquisite. Thank you so much Elsie.♥️
 
Shalimar said:
I think the turning point for me occurred once I was able to embrace the healing power of tragic optimism. It allowed me the space to accept that while the present may be painful, that I have many layers of pain to sort through, if I

remain patient, there is ample room for joy. Pain is a teacher, I choose rebirth over stagnation, growth over fear. The price of humanity is heartbreak, the lack of it a frozen soul. I will endure what I must in order to feel the light again, to laugh and dance in the moonlight, born yet again into myself and my purpose. Namaste. ♥️🙏
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Namaste. 🙏 🌈
 
And so it goes. Healing can be a bytch. I do know I am considerably better than I was. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I ended up curled in a fetal position and jammed beneath the dining room table, a paring knife clutched in my fist.

The hyper vigilance and thousand yard stare are intermittent. I can go out on the balcony briefly without collapsing to my knees and bursting into tears, I am slowly regaining the twenty pounds I lost. My house is clean, most of the time. I cook, also most of the time. My bills are paid, I play my online war game where I help with the psychological aspects

of aiding my faction family, the third most powerful House in this particular world, toward their goal of world domination. I also love to be an active warrior and slay our enemies. Therapeutic stuff. Three years I have been a part of this.

But, my heart remains broken, my soul is scarred, my capacity to trust almost negligible. Emotionally, I am held together by coping mechanisms, therapy, stubbornness, and meds. Who knows when I can return to work? Sadly,

still unable to find a cat to replace my dear old boy who died. Covid has emptied the shelters. First time since I was seven years old I have been without a cat. The nightmares remain, also. CPTSD stuff from hell. Technicolour. A

couple of nights of this results in at least a week of major flashbacks. The lesser ones involve my experience watching my vet suicide, the

others transport me back to the hell of my childhood. Sad, when the situation was so severe that sexual abuse often seemed trivial. Without being overly graphic, it is the screaming and crying children, and the feelings of

terror and despair which are the most difficult to bear. So much torment for so many years, and, at times, the survivor guilt is crushing. As always, my choices are clear, death, insanity, or tough it out until I can cope. Any suicide

attempts I have made occurred when I gapped out, snapped if you will, only to find myself later, feeling horrible, and stuck in ICU with no memory of recent events. While my ability to choose remains, I choose to fight for my life, my mind, my humanity, gambling

yet again that I can climb out of the pit and resume my life of service. That sense of purpose is my mantra. Also, if I fail, the bastards who stole my childhood win, and that is anaethema. So, for now, I sit in the pit, accept that my

suffering is ongoing, and endure. Laugh when I can, love always, and leave the unknown in the hands of the Divine Feminine. I can do this because I must. For me, for all the children who never grew up, and for my beloved veterans, I fight. 🙏🏻
 

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