Dealing with young neighbors or neighbors, period.

N

niceday7

New Member
I live in an apt for seniors but the disabled of any age are also welcome. A young man maybe in his 30's moved into the apt next door to me about 6 months ago. He is not very talkative but from what I can gather he was homeless prior to living here and has some emotional issues. He has an emotional support dog. I happen to know he is struggling financially just by living next to him and knowing a bit about him.

I decided to approach him in a respectful and lighthearted/friendly way to ask him if he wanted a huge amount of plastic bottles one can return to the store for 5 cents per bottle. (I drink alot of diet soda!) In no way did I infer he needed the money or anything like that. It was all done in a manner of one neighbor being friendly to another.

Originally I had put the bottles in a large box where others who live here can see them and put the word "free" on the box. But they hadn't even been out a few hours when I thought of him and how between not working and having a dog, he might like them. So I approached him and asked him. He replied in a dull monotone voice, "Oh, I already saw those". I said something like "You are welcome to them if you would like" To which he replied something along the lines of "You mean the bottles that have to be taken to the store" (said as if that was definitely not to his liking). Not sure of what to say I smiled and told him he didn't have to take them and then he unexpectedly thanked me for them but in a tone of voice that clearly suggested he was not interested but wanted to be neighborly.

There was a time when if someone who was down on their luck had a chance to return some bottles, they would have been grateful. Even though he has fallen on hard times, he was not receptive to a small opportunity to make a few dollars. I have often thought of him alone with his dog and many times have wanted to bring them both some dinner when I have extras. I don't always eat a whole rotisserie chicken!

Since he was kind of not really appreciating my gesture with the bottles, I am now reluctant to offer him a plate at dinner time because he does not seem receptive to friendly overtures. I once made another friendly overture offering to help him with something and he blew me off then too. Does anyone else here have younger neighbors? How does that work for you? I basically get along very well with younger people and do not have a problem with them.
 

I agree with Murrmurr.

IMO it has more to do with pride, dignity, and respect than it does with age.

The fact that he took the bottles at all is a good sign in my opinion.

I would try to approach him as a friendly neighbor and not from a position of strength/power as a good samaritan.

Good luck to both of you.
 

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Welcome to the forum @niceday7 ...

I fully understand your predicament.I think you made a very kind offer in a friendly manner , it wasn't appreciated for some reason, so if I was you I would now leave this young man to his own devices unless you're asked for help..

He could have any amount of physical or mental problems which causes his reaction.. maybe on the Autism perspective.. , you mentioned a service dog..so perhaps this is why he was housed in a senior apartment, he may have difficulties interacting with other people.

Don't take it personally, just leave him alone unless he asks for help.
 
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A case of 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

Bea hit the nail on the head (dignity or pride) so, perhaps a clever bit of thinking is required. Why not turn it around, try not letting him think you are the benefactor, instead approach him and say, "Can I pick your brains for some advice, I have some really good stuff that I no longer need, do you know anyone that may have a use for it?" Chances are, he may surprise you and say,"I'll have it."
Good luck. :)
 
I agree that he may have issues that you cannot see. My son would be like that if someone asked him if he wanted their bottles or anything else. Having a service dog is definitely a sign that he has a disability. I would just be nice and speak to him and over time he might start responding to you. I know my son does not always speak to people when they say hello to him but after seeing the same one over and over he does answer back.
 
niceday7 said:
I live in an apt for seniors but the disabled of any age are also welcome. A young man maybe in his 30's moved into the apt next door to me
about 6 months ago. He is not very talkative but from what I can gather he was homeless prior to living here and has some emotional issues. He has an emotional support dog. I happen to know he is struggling financially just by living next to him and knowing a bit about him. I decided to approach him in a respectful and lighthearted/friendly way to ask him if he wanted a huge amount of plastic bottles one can return to the store for 5 cents per bottle. (I drink alot of diet soda!) In no way did I infer he needed the money or anything like that. It was all done in a manner of one neighbor being friendly to another. Originally I had put the bottles in a large box where others who live here can see them and put the word "free" on the box. But they hadn't even been out a few hours when I thought of him and how between not working and having a dog, he might like them. So I approached him and asked him. He replied in a dull monotone voice, "Oh, I already saw those". I said something like "You are welcome to them if you would like" To which he replied something along the lines of "You mean the bottles that have to be taken to the store" (said as if that was definitely not to his liking). Not sure of what to say I smiled and told him he didn't have to take them and then he unexpectedly thanked me for them but in a tone of voice that clearly suggested he was not interested but wanted to be neighborly. There was a time when if someone who was down on their luck had a chance to return some bottles, they would have been grateful. Even though he has fallen on hard times, he was not receptive to a small opportunity to make a few dollars. I have often thought of him alone with his dog and many times have wanted to bring them both some dinner when I have extras. I don't always eat a whole rotisserie chicken! Since he was kind of not really appreciating my gesture with the bottles, I am now reluctant to offer him a plate at dinner time because he does not seem receptive to friendly overtures. I once made another friendly overture offering to help him with something and he blew me off then too. Does anyone else here have younger neighbors? How does that work for you? I basically get along very well with younger people and do not have a problem with them.
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Did he have a way of getting them to the store or wherever to return them for the money? Sometimes transport can be an issue.

He may not like people or like being around them. Sometimes depending on the mental issues there could be reason for that. All things to take into consideration.
 
The solution, IMO, is when he said ā€œIā€™d have to take them to the storeā€. The response should have been, IMO, something about how itā€™s hard for you do get to the store and is it hard for him to get the store, or do you like going to the store, or do you hate going to the store. How does he feel about the store?

A conversation about the store would have been key since his response indicated he was concerned about the store, or the virus at the store, or the people in the store, or his ability to get to the store. I would bet his response had nothing to do with you.

If he was homeless, I bet he had a lot issues and problems concerning stores and store employees. Try again to get to know him if you want. But since he has emotional issues, I would not invite him in. You do not know his emotional triggers. But I would take him a plate of food, on a paper plate.

Otherwise he might think you are giving him the plate and the food. Say something like, I made too much and I hate to throw it away, but I donā€™t like leftovers; I thought you might like this. He will either accept or not, and then you will know. Having cared for emotional disturbed teenagers, I am very cautious. Be cautious.
 
I had an unpleasant episode with my youngish neighbor last year...this is a rental house, old, with crawl space, that had been taken over by groundhogs, raccoons, possums etc...the owner sent his maint man over to trap and remove them..however he used a leg hold trap and caught a 'coon the first nite, and when the young lady saw it, she came running over to me and raised
"cain" with me about it, cruelty, painful, etc etc, this went on for about 10 minutes, with me trying to explain why it was happening, but she didnt want to hear it....i've not spoken to her since last oct and don't intend to...because of prior yrs of damage under the house, it cost owner thousands to get house repaired.....:confused:
 
Aneeda72 said:
The solution, IMO, is when he said ā€œIā€™d have to take them to the storeā€. The response should have been, IMO, something about how itā€™s hard for you do get to the store and is it hard for him to get the store, or do you like going to the store, or do you hate going to the store. How does he feel about the store?

A conversation about the store would have been key since his response indicated he was concerned about the store, or the virus at the store, or the people in the store, or his ability to get to the store. I would bet his response had nothing to do with you.

If he was homeless, I bet he had a lot issues and problems concerning stores and store employees. Try again to get to know him if you want. But since he has emotional issues, I would not invite him in. You do not know his emotional triggers. But I would take him a plate of food, on a paper plate.

Otherwise he might think you are giving him the plate and the food. Say something like, I made too much and I hate to throw it away, but I donā€™t like leftovers; I thought you might like this. He will either accept or not, and then you will know. Having cared for emotional disturbed teenagers, I am very cautious. Be cautious.
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Good advice but...He's not a teenager... he's in his 30's...
 
hawkdon said:
I had an unpleasant episode with my youngish neighbor last year...this is a rental house, old, with crawl space, that had been taken over by groundhogs, raccoons, possums etc...the owner sent his maint man over to trap and remove them..however he used a leg hold trap and caught a 'coon the first nite, and when the young lady saw it, she came running over to me and raised
"cain" with me about it, cruelty, painful, etc etc, this went on for about 10 minutes, with me trying to explain why it was happening, but she didnt want to hear it....i've not spoken to her since last oct and don't intend to...because of prior yrs of damage under the house, it cost owner thousands to get house repaired.....:confused:
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I can certainly understand the need to remove such animals under the circumstances, and the expense of repairs must have been disheartening, but leg hold traps are brutal, and unnecessary. There are devices available which trap them humanely. In my country, such animals are usually trapped by

professional pest control and relocated. Worst case scenario, pest control too expensive, and no relocation possible, use a humane trap, and shoot them. There is no reason why that raccoon had to suffer. Those traps are illegal here. I would have reacted much as the young lady did. I sincerely pray that the other animals were not trapped in the same fashion.
 
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well to be honest I am that way with some people,,ya know why? .......its the vibes man the vibes...some people give off the worst vibes and others can feel it...you held your mouth wrong, stood cockeyed etc and the other person picked up on something they didnt like and blew you off, so my advice? it is what it is,let it be
 
niceday7 said:
I live in an apt for seniors but the disabled of any age are also welcome. A young man maybe in his 30's moved into the apt next door to me
about 6 months ago. He is not very talkative but from what I can gather he was homeless prior to living here and has some emotional issues. He has an emotional support dog. I happen to know he is struggling financially just by living next to him and knowing a bit about him. I decided to approach him in a respectful and lighthearted/friendly way to ask him if he wanted a huge amount of plastic bottles one can return to the store for 5 cents per bottle. (I drink alot of diet soda!) In no way did I infer he needed the money or anything like that. It was all done in a manner of one neighbor being friendly to another. Originally I had put the bottles in a large box where others who live here can see them and put the word "free" on the box. But they hadn't even been out a few hours when I thought of him and how between not working and having a dog, he might like them. So I approached him and asked him. He replied in a dull monotone voice, "Oh, I already saw those". I said something like "You are welcome to them if you would like" To which he replied something along the lines of "You mean the bottles that have to be taken to the store" (said as if that was definitely not to his liking). Not sure of what to say I smiled and told him he didn't have to take them and then he unexpectedly thanked me for them but in a tone of voice that clearly suggested he was not interested but wanted to be neighborly. There was a time when if someone who was down on their luck had a chance to return some bottles, they would have been grateful. Even though he has fallen on hard times, he was not receptive to a small opportunity to make a few dollars. I have often thought of him alone with his dog and many times have wanted to bring them both some dinner when I have extras. I don't always eat a whole rotisserie chicken! Since he was kind of not really appreciating my gesture with the bottles, I am now reluctant to offer him a plate at dinner time because he does not seem receptive to friendly overtures. I once made another friendly overture offering to help him with something and he blew me off then too. Does anyone else here have younger neighbors? How does that work for you? I basically get along very well with younger people and do not have a problem with them.
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I'm sure you had good intentions, but I agree with Murrmurr and Aunt Bea, he likely doesn't want your pity or used bottles. None of us like to haul even our own recycles back to the store, never mind someone else's.

If you were really friendly with him as a person, and not someone who needed things from you, it would be different. If you visited and talked about things in common without trying to give him charity, then a bond can be formed where in the future he may accept some help, perhaps more in the form of cash, not just used bottles. Honestly, with the covid-19 now, I don't even want to touch any stranger's used food items.

I think he was as nice as he could have been about the offer, I would have been a bit offended. Especially since it was obvious to all neighbors that they were out for the taking and nobody else wanted to bother with them.
 
Being
niceday7 said:
I live in an apt for seniors but the disabled of any age are also welcome. A young man maybe in his 30's moved into the apt next door to me
about 6 months ago. He is not very talkative but from what I can gather he was homeless prior to living here and has some emotional issues. He has an emotional support dog. I happen to know he is struggling financially just by living next to him and knowing a bit about him. I decided to approach him in a respectful and lighthearted/friendly way to ask him if he wanted a huge amount of plastic bottles one can return to the store for 5 cents per bottle. (I drink alot of diet soda!) In no way did I infer he needed the money or anything like that. It was all done in a manner of one neighbor being friendly to another. Originally I had put the bottles in a large box where others who live here can see them and put the word "free" on the box. But they hadn't even been out a few hours when I thought of him and how between not working and having a dog, he might like them. So I approached him and asked him. He replied in a dull monotone voice, "Oh, I already saw those". I said something like "You are welcome to them if you would like" To which he replied something along the lines of "You mean the bottles that have to be taken to the store" (said as if that was definitely not to his liking). Not sure of what to say I smiled and told him he didn't have to take them and then he unexpectedly thanked me for them but in a tone of voice that clearly suggested he was not interested but wanted to be neighborly. There was a time when if someone who was down on their luck had a chance to return some bottles, they would have been grateful. Even though he has fallen on hard times, he was not receptive to a small opportunity to make a few dollars. I have often thought of him alone with his dog and many times have wanted to bring them both some dinner when I have extras. I don't always eat a whole rotisserie chicken! Since he was kind of not really appreciating my gesture with the bottles, I am now reluctant to offer him a plate at dinner time because he does not seem receptive to friendly overtures. I once made another friendly overture offering to help him with something and he blew me off then too. Does anyone else here have younger neighbors? How does that work for you? I basically get along very well with younger people and do not have a problem with them.
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Being "down and out" is one thing, making it public or acknowledging it is another. You probably insulted him by letting his situation be "obvious". No more "I feel sorry for you, routine". Next time tell him the water in your shower seems cold and ask if his is also bad .... or something equally neutral.
 
Hollydolly got it.
I have a friend who has a 22 year old son with Autism. Most people avoid him because they don't understand him & expect normal conversation from him. Since I'm nice to him & accept him as he is, he'll call me every day & chat about the same thing over & over for an hour.
 
SeaBreeze said:
I'm sure you had good intentions, but I agree with Murrmurr and Aunt Bea, he likely doesn't want your pity or used bottles. None of us like to haul even our own recycles back to the store, never mind someone else's.

If you were really friendly with him as a person, and not someone who needed things from you, it would be different. If you visited and talked about things in common without trying to give him charity, then a bond can be formed where in the future he may accept some help, perhaps more in the form of cash, not just used bottles. Honestly, with the covid-19 now, I don't even want to touch any stranger's used food items.

I think he was as nice as he could have been about the offer, I would have been a bit offended. Especially since it was obvious to all neighbors that they were out for the taking and nobody else wanted to bother with them.
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It depends on if someone needed the money. There was a time in my life, which Iā€™ve mentioned before, that I collected pop cans from the trash in park. you can not do that now as the park collects them. A great many people only get 550 from SSD. I only get 800 from SSI. šŸ˜‚ I would have taken those bottles if I had the means to turn them in; AND the half chicken.
 


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