When being a nice guy is not enough,....(?)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
A neighbour of mine, and his lovely wife, are almost always together, and often I hear her telling him what a "lovely, lovely man" he is, (as indeed the man certainly is, and a good mate to me too!).

However, there are times when being a nice guy, (or even a "lovely man"), is not quite enough aren't there, or not enough in itself, if by being a nice guy it means "wouldn't hurt a fly or upset anyone", (you could be both those things and boring as hell to live with couldn't you).

They say, (or at least my lawyer said when I divorced), that ultimately most women are looking for a man who makes them feel secure, so a strong man, mentally and physically, is going to be more likely to make a woman feel that way than the nice guy down the street who is a bit meek and mild, (don't you think?).

What did Paul Newman say, (or was it Robert Redford?), "those men who have no enemies have no character", so maybe he agreed(?) :)

(my neighbour, btw, has more to him than just being a very nice guy, but I'll have to ask him if he has any enemies!)
 

You mean nice guy like when he frequently lies because he doesn't want to upset me? Or like when we just got our final notice from the electric company, but he still surprises me with an expensive gift? How about when the kids need school clothes, but he keeps giving his drug-addicted brother gas money? A nice guy spends his paycheck paying back the money he borrowed from friends to pay for the expensive gift he gave me. Right? Yeah. The funeral home was packed with people who thought he was a super nice guy.
 
Judycat said:
You mean nice guy like when he frequently lies because he doesn't want to upset me? Or like when we just got our final notice from the electric company, but he still surprises me with an expensive gift? How about when the kids need school clothes, but he keeps giving his drug-addicted brother gas money? A nice guy spends his paycheck paying back the money he borrowed from friends to pay for the expensive gift he gave me. Right? Yeah. The funeral home was packed with people who thought he was a super nice guy.
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I must admit that wasn't the kind of "nice guy" I was thinking of, quite the opposite from the sound of things, and whoever said he was looks to have been completely taken in, (and I accept this often happens too, folks either only see what they want to see, or are fooled by all the BS he gave them!). :(
 

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This is a description of the kind of "nice guy" I'm referring to:

"......., is a good friend of mine. I have only ever known him to be a very kind and loving person, with a heart of gold, and he would only want the best for me, (or whoever it might be)." šŸ‘ŒšŸ˜‡
 
grahamg said:
I must admit that wasn't the kind of "nice guy" I was thinking of, quite the opposite from the sound of things, and whoever said he was looks to have ben completely taken in, (and I accept this often happens too, folks either only see what they want to see, or are fooled by all the BS he gave them!). :(
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There are many different nice guys. I think my neighbor across the street is a nice guy, always out helping someone else. His wife doesn't say much when he's around. So, he could be a nice guy like my husband was. You never really know do you. As my dear spouse used to say, "at least I'm not hanging around the bars like your dad." My point is there aren't any nice guys, everyone has some angle that's driving someone else nuts.
 
Judycat said:
There are many different nice guys. I think my neighbor across the street is a nice guy, always out helping someone else. His wife doesn't say much when he's around. So, he could be a nice guy like my husband was. You never really know do you. As my dear spouse used to say, "at least I'm not hanging around the bars like your dad." My point is there aren't any nice guys, everyone has some angle that's driving someone else nuts.
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I think you're right, certainly in the sense that everyone has faults, and a lot of us are taken in, (perhaps including to an extent, allowing ourselves to be taken in, or taken advantage of too often).
However, there is something appealing about those partners or potential partners, who seem to have a bit of devil in them don't you think? :)
 
My son was a ā€œnice guy.ā€ He would help his neighbors and especially his wifeā€™s large family all the time. Something most have been the last straw because heā€™s totally stopped. Maybe being taken advantage of too many times and realizing that when he needed help with something the only person who he could count on was his dad. Itā€™s sad being a nice guy to some is a sign of weakness. I think itā€™s also as heā€™s aged, he doesnā€™t care what people think of him anymore.
 
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The saying ā€œNice guys finish lastā€ has a lot of truth to it. Some men are so nice that they allow themselves to be taken for granted or advantage of. My dad was a nice guy, but he set boundaries, so that wouldnā€™t happen. When he told me about setting boundaries, that was the first time I had ever heard about setting boundaries.

My dad helped people do many different things. Butcher, paint, move, carpentry work and lots of other things. I had seen my dad not to help someone if it interfered with plans he had already made. One time that comes to mind is when the butcher up the street asked my dad to help him slaughter a bull and dad had planned to paint the bathrooms in our home on that same day. The butcher didnā€™t get mad or upset when dad told him that he couldnā€™t help him that time. Some people will give up their plans to help others just to appease them and keep their friendship.
 
StillLearning said:
Yes I agree about irrelevant. Nice to one and not to another? Have you ever gone out to lunch with a ā€œniceā€ friend only to be shocked how they treat the waitress?
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I must say I haven't so far as friends goes, though I remember my then wife and I going out for a meal along with work colleagues of hers, and being embarrassed at the way they collectively treated the restaurant staff, (should it have been a warning, as she went off with one of them?).

On the other hand my Godfather abused restaurant staff or the waiter, when at the Earls Court motor show in London, after we'd been made to wait an hour or so, and felt he was fully justified, (Billy was a great Godfather, who remembered my birthday till I was thirty, though not the "archetypal nice guy" I'm speaking of, as he wasn't a shrinking violet!).
 
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Sunny said:
I bet Bill Cosby was considered a very nice man.
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Not by me, not based on what I know now. For a long time I thought so. I grew up in the segregated south and Bill was the one black voice I could remember listening to with friends and family and not feeling uncomfortable or thinking much about his color. For that reason (and his talent) I thought very highly of him for a long time, but that is no longer the case.

This is an interesting discussion. I think being nice is always a good thing, but it is probably true that women are also attracted, maybe more so, to other traits. Providing safety and demonstrating power are a couple. And not just women... This is all very generalized of course, different people are attracted to different things...
 
StillLearning said:
My son was a ā€œnice guy.ā€ He would help his neighbors and especially his wifeā€™s large family all the time. Something most have been the last straw because heā€™s totally stopped. Maybe being taken advantage of too many times and realizing that when he needed help with something the only person who he could count on was his dad. Itā€™s sad being a nice guy to some is a sign of weakness. I think itā€™s also as heā€™s aged, he doesnā€™t care what people think of him anymore.
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I agree. Often being nice just gives people the go ahead to be intrusive. Not saying never do anything nice for anyone, but make sure you have firm boundaries too. Lately people I have been nice to, are trying to wheedle their way into getting me to edit their crappy manuscripts, make dresses for their grandkids, and be their private taxi service. I did that stuff all my life man, enough already.
 
Judycat said:
I agree. Often being nice just gives people the go ahead to be intrusive. Not saying never do anything nice for anyone, but make sure you have firm boundaries too. Lately people I have been nice to, are trying to wheedle their way into getting me to edit their crappy manuscripts, make dresses for their grandkids, and be their private taxi service. I did that stuff all my life man, enough already.
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One of my former brother in laws was alert to anyone trying to make a mug of him, and he was certainly a nice guy, very clever, speaking a few languages, (Swiss being his native tongue), and he'd trained in chemistry before ending up retraining and teaching languages).
He wasn't the meek kind though, and my mother liked him and used to swap poems with him, (not bad for someone being poetic in a second language, and if my mum liked someone it was certainly a good sign, though not everyone she condemned entirely deserved it perhaps!).
My mother said she married my father first and foremost for his sense of humour, or that was the trait she mentioned anyway, and he was well liked generally, (but definitely not in the "nice but timid" category!). :cautious::)
 
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grahamg said:
those men who have no enemies have no character",
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Maybe they meant men with character tend to stick up for the underdog, or stand by their principals, or do the right thing even when it's unpopular. A man can make a lot of enemies doing those things. I don't think they were talking about a guy who made enemies because he was cruel or always starting fist fights.
 
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