Bringing up strong children, (all have their ideas)

[grahamg]

I suppose everyone has their ideas on the best way to bring up their children, (or how others children might be brought up?).

Most will say "love" shown towards a child is high up the list, (maybe the top of it).

I've heard it said that children need "loving discipline" too, (however that might be defined, a mother of three mentioned this, having heard it "somewhere").

One question I'd raise is whether, whilst all will want their children to be strong, does this mean at the same time "toughening them up" psychologically, in one way or another, (though not using the Victorian meyhods or maxim "spare the rod, spoil the child" these days)(?).

 

[grahamg]

A bit of research into the thread topic might create interest:
https://centerforparentingeducation...sponsible-resilient-children-what-are-values/

Basic Life Values​

Review the list of Life Values below; choose the top 10 values to determine what you consider to be most important in your life, put them into a hierarchy and choose the two that you value the most and the two that you value the least.

You can:

• consider how you might express your top 10 values (what specific behaviors would demonstrate your top 10 values?)
• 
  
• have a discussion with your family about which values should become your family’s core values
• 
  
• encourage your spouse and family members to make their own lists
• 
  
• consider how your list may have been different 10 years ago

Achievement	Assertiveness	Beauty
Caring	Challenging Work	Cleanliness
Compassion	Confidence	Consideration
Courage- physical and of convictions	Courtesy	Creativity
Detachment	Determination	Ethusiasm
Excellence	Faith in oneself	Faith in God
Faithfulness	Flexibility	Forgiveness
Friendship	Generousity	Gentleness
Health	Helpfulness	Honesty
Honor	Humility	Idealism
Independence	Integrity	Joyfulness
Justice	Kindness/empathy	Knowledge
Love	Loyalty	Mercy
Moderation	Modesty	Morality
Obedience	Orderliness	Patience
Peacefulness	Personal Growth	Pleasure
Power	Purposefulness	Recognition
Reliability	Religion	Respect for self and others
Responsibility	Reverence	Security
Self-Discipline	Self-Esteem	Service
Steadfastness	Tact	Thankfulness/gratitude
Tolerance	Trust	Trustworthiness
Truthfulness	Wealth	Wisdom

 

[grahamg]

My top ten from the list would maybe include: Love, Self-esteem, Caring, Humility, Reliability, Honesty, Compassion, Assertiveness, Tolerance, Creativity.

One not specifically mentioned I would add too is "Goodness", (I wanted my daughter to be good hearted), though other items on the list could amount to the same character trait I'm thinking about.

 

[grahamg]

I forgot to include the desire to ensure my child was happy, and instill or encourage a cheerful personality in her, (i this is possible and not something you're born with of course).

I didn't mention either a desire to avoid my daughter being shy, (I suppose its covered by "assertiveness and confidence" on the lists).

Geez, its business isn't it, when you start looking at lists of things you're supposed to consider as parents, and yet I still remember the kindly advice of a man I met in O'Donaghues bar in Dublin, who told me, "Dont worry about being a dad, its comes naturally", (words from an inebriated complete stranger that gave me a lot of much needed confidence would you believe!).

A reminder of good times here:
https://www.odonoghues.ie/bar.htm

 

[Lee]

Constantly you hear seniors complain their kids seldom come to see them. Makes me glad I never had kids and do not have to endure that pain.

They brought them up right, provided for them to the best of their ability and the reward is to be given a duty phone call from time to time.

 

[grahamg]

My own daughter, (who many forum member might know has shunned me for donkeys years), spoke to a great uncle of hers last week, a man aged ninety six, and when he asked if she would visit him said how busy she was, and it wouldn't be possible to visit him for at least six months!

I know she's busy, we're all busy at times, but its an excuse at best to tell someone his age you have no free time ahead of you for that long. This great uncle and his wife never put obstacles in any family members way when it came to visits, they were never too busy to show hospitality when we showed up without notice, (including when my daughter went there many many times when she was younger!).

However, I would still say there is probably no experience quite like having your own child, and no matter what the pitfalls you don't regret it in my view.

 

[dobielvr]

My own daughter, (who many forum member might know has shunned me for donkeys years), spoke to a great uncle of hers last week, a man aged ninety six, and when he asked if she would visit him said how busy she was, and it wouldn't be possible to visit him for at least six months!

I know she's busy, we're all busy at times, but its an excuse at best to tell someone his age you have no free time ahead of you for that long. This great uncle and his wife never put obstacles in any family members way when it came to visits, they were never too busy to shoe hospitality when we showed up without notice, (including when my daughter went there many many times when she was younger!).

However, I would still say there is probably no experience quite like having your own child, and no matter what the pitfalls you don't regret it in my view.

This makes me sad to have to read this.

I spent so much time with my parents, those were some of the best times of my life.
I remember sitting w/my folks and visiting....and my father made the comment " see, now why can't or other 2 children come and visit us like this?"

Of course, my sis was living in New York, but my brother lives less than 5 mins away.

I guess everyone has their reasons.

jmo

 

[grahamg]

This makes me sad to have to read this.
I spent so much time with my parents, those were some of the best times of my life. I remember sitting w/my folks and visiting....and my father made the comment " see, now why can't or other 2 children come and visit us like this?"
Of course, my sis was living in New York, but my brother lives less than 5 mins away. I guess everyone has their reasons. jmo

I remember my parents choosing not to visit my wife and I when we were married, but they were fairly frequent visitors to the homes of a couple of my sisters. When my marriage broke up I came to understand the reason, they just didn't feel comfortable when they'd been at my house, (they could see the cracks in the marriage, and their son being lead a merry dance perhaps).
So you're probably right as to the reasons people might have, though forbearance of others obviously must be lacking somewhere mustn't it, (where's forbearance on that list above I wonder?).

 

[Tommy]

I suppose everyone has their ideas on the best way to bring up their children, (or how others children might be brought up?).

Most will say "love" shown towards a child is high up the list, (maybe the top of it).

I've heard it said that children need "loving discipline" too, (however that might be defined, a mother of three mentioned this, having heard it "somewhere").

One question I'd raise is whether, whilst all will want their children to be strong, does this mean at the same time "toughening them up" psychologically, in one way or another, (though not using the Victorian meyhods or maxim "spare the rod, spoil the child" these days)(?).

Graham, one could (and many have) write volumes on the subjects you bring up here. Were I to even attempt to address this I'd end up with a ten page treatise and that would just be the Executive Summary

I would only note that these days, when I listen to new parents holding forth on their intended goals and plans for child rearing, the old Yiddish saying, "Man plans, God laughs" comes to mind.

 

[grahamg]

Graham, one could (and many have) write volumes on the subjects you bring up here. Were I to even attempt to address this I'd end up with a ten page treatise and that would just be the Executive Summary
I would only note that these days, when I listen to new parents holding forth on their intended goals and plans for child rearing, the old Yiddish saying, "Man plans, God laughs" comes to mind.

I take your point about how lengthy a process it might be to put forward, in a serious way, an attempt at summing up what is required to raise a "strong minded child".
I did come across this website and expert view (from the look of it, focusing upon just how much appears to be wrong, though as a "father's/parental rights" guy I'd suggest nothing will truly improve until decent parents are given some modest rights in the UK ):

Article written by — Victoria Prooday
https://yourot.com/.../24/what-are-we-doing-to-our-children

A SILENT TRAGEDY
"There is a silent tragedy that is unfolding today in our homes, and concerns our most precious jewels: our children. Our children are in a devastating emotional state! In the last 15 years, researchers have given us increasingly alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in childhood mental illness that is now reaching epidemic proportions":

Statistics do not lie:
• 1 in 5 children have mental health problems
• A 43% increase in ADHD has been noted
• A 37% increase in adolescent depression has been noted
• There has been a 200% increase in the suicide rate in children aged 10 to 14

What is happening and what are we doing wrong?

Grahamg comments:
1). Very often statistics do lie, (or are used to mislead to be more precise), but in this case I'd guess they may well be accurate.

2). No mention of the word "love" in the whole article in relation to children worries me to say the least.

Instead the article puts forward this proposal:
"Today's children,......., are deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as:
• Emotionally available parents"

 

[Sassycakes]

Sadly many children have been raised with love, decency, values, etc yet still grow up not appreciating all they were given. It reminds me of my much older brother. He was raised like a king with all goodness and love around him yet he still turned against my parents. In later years he turned against his 2 sons and only adored his daughter. When he passed away he left a great deal of money and property to his daughter and nothing to his sons even though they had taken care of him whenever he needed anything.

 

[grahamg]

Sadly many children have been raised with love, decency, values, etc yet still grow up not appreciating all they were given. It reminds me of my much older brother. He was raised like a king with all goodness and love around him yet he still turned against my parents. In later years he turned against his 2 sons and only adored his daughter. When he passed away he left a great deal of money and property to his daughter and nothing to his sons even though they had taken care of him whenever he needed anything.

One of the repercussions, as I see it, of parents being shunned by their children, is the fact our children "keep us young", or are said to do, and you can imagine cant you, how you will be exposed to more of the thinking from their generation if you're in regular contact with your children.

I know "we dont live in a perfect world", not least because my ex., and the court welfare officer engaged in just such a discussion (when I was being elbowed out of my child's life twenty three years ago).

Back then it was my ex. saying, "in a perfect world the father would see their children", (said to nodding by the welfare officer!), but obviously this isn't a perfect world so no one's going to do a darn thing about it, (certainly not the ex. whose belligerence or intolerance, and need to "keep all our child's love for herself" and control everything that she thinks might threaten her position and is going to do the opposite, quite clearly).

However, there are even silver linings to being an excluded dad, and it is that though you may age more quickly, or not be connected with the thinking of younger people enlivening your brain, you at least do not have the demands they might have placed upon you and your time. I dont think it is a fair deal, or balances in any way the loss of being able to see your child, or grandchildren obviously, but you've got a hostile, or alienated child at best haven't you, so not quite the loss you might otherwise assume it to be perhaps.