How does a person live alone and not get lonely?

oldpop said:
I have always been a loner. However I do not dislike people, enjoy good conversation and do not avoid being around others. I just enjoy my time alone. I can think clearer with out any distractions alone in the quiet of my own thoughts. Plenty of time to think about whatever crosses my mind. It is one of my favorite things about being retired. I do not know about enjoying my own company but I am comfortable in my own skin.
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You come across as a caring kind of person, one who has time for those without the ability that you have to, either engage with others, or simply enjoy life in your own company. It seems at odds therefore, that you find those who find it challenging to engage with others, or be at one when alone, as being enervated. Your obvious energy would be just the metaphoric kick that those without your talents to live alone, and not be lonely, would draw inspiration from.
 

Serenity4321 said:
I really love to watch u-tube videos. In fact, I could watch all day long because they cover every subject imaginable. I also exercise with them. There is so much out there we will never know, so much more we have yet to learn...U-tube can take you all over the world, into history, any subject you can think of etc etc etc...I love being with people but u-tube is also a 'friend' Then too we are so fortunate to have the internet where whatever question you think of the answer is available at your fingertips.. remember having to research in an encyclopedia??:rolleyes:
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Spending hours in the library cross referencing.
I remember one time I wanted the specifics of a particular law. I was in the library for more
than 3 hours.
 
Loneliness is not about being alone; it's about not feeling connected. It's about wanting to fit in somewhere but not having the ability to do so. It's being helpless to satisfy ones basic intrinsic need for companionship.

Dr. Martin Seligman defined depression as learned helplessness, which is probably pretty accurate in most cases. For some, depression may be a chemical imbalance in the brain, but I think for most depressed individuals, it's learned helplessness. And the more helpless one feels, the more desperate one becomes, and the harder it is to break out of the funk.
 

I also enjoy libraries though I haven't been to one in a while. So today I decided to give myself a treat. Usually I go to the corner shop for shrimp salad which, though pricey, is well worth the cost. Just for fun, I decided to make my own shrimp salad instead. I tell you in truth that my recipe was ten times more flavorful than the pricier store bought version. The key being that I added lemon-pepper salt with melted butter and garlic salad dressing.

Oh soooo YUMMMMMMMMY!!!!

Spending your time cooking and baking is so much better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. Try it folks. Can't hurt ...
 
oldiebutgoody said:
I also enjoy libraries though I haven't been to one in a while. So today I decided to give myself a treat. Usually I go to the corner shop for shrimp salad which, though pricey, is well worth the cost. Just for fun, I decided to make my own shrimp salad instead. I tell you in truth that my recipe was ten times more flavorful than the pricier store bought version. The key being that I added lemon-pepper salt with melted butter and garlic salad dressing.

Oh soooo YUMMMMMMMMY!!!!

Spending your time cooking and baking is so much better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. Try it folks. Can't hurt ...
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I too love cooking. The beauty of home cooking is that one can make each recipe to exactly the flavour we want.
Never know what store bought meals are going to taste like.
I stopped buying ready made meals a long time ago as I found everyone of them to be toooooo salty
 
oldiebutgoody said:
I also enjoy libraries though I haven't been to one in a while. So today I decided to give myself a treat. Usually I go to the corner shop for shrimp salad which, though pricey, is well worth the cost. Just for fun, I decided to make my own shrimp salad instead. I tell you in truth that my recipe was ten times more flavorful than the pricier store bought version. The key being that I added lemon-pepper salt with melted butter and garlic salad dressing.

Oh soooo YUMMMMMMMMY!!!!

Spending your time cooking and baking is so much better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself. Try it folks. Can't hurt ...
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Well, it can actually, hurt 😂.

You obviously have never eaten my cooking. As for baking, with a bad spine and balance issues, I could die. Hansell and Gretal didn’t push the witch into the oven, the witch bent over, lost her balance, fell in, and died due to her age.

Those kids just took credit for the kill. The beginning of fake news. 😉. @oldiebutgoody
 
A few years back there was an article in the paper about a couple who were interested in co housing. An idea was born, not a new idea because I hear they have this type of housing in New Zealand and there is another project on the island. Each family or couple buys a unit which I think was around $600k . A multi generational building, each family, couple, single lives in their own unit but there is also an area where they can get together for meals, socializing and an outdoor area. For many this might be an ideal way of living.
 
RobinWren said:
A few years back there was an article in the paper about a couple who were interested in co housing. An idea was born, not a new idea because I hear they have this type of housing in New Zealand and there is another project on the island. Each family or couple buys a unit which I think was around $600k . A multi generational building, each family, couple, single lives in their own unit but there is also an area where they can get together for meals, socializing and an outdoor area. For many this might be an ideal way of living.
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Interesting concept. Sound basis for "Community Living"
 
Aneeda72 said:
Unfortunately I just found the horse‘s ass. 🙄
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diamond studded horse just for you:

OIP.3M5u08Zj-DtT_-LtYvX9IgHaHa



:)
 
Bretrick said:
Though I may sound harsh in my writings what I am attempting to do is to get people to see that there are ways to overcome the past and the loneliness.
But to do so, one really does need to make an effort.
I have overcome my past with coping strategies and I really love the person I have become.
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So you think everyone else NEEDS you to show them the way? You don't come to social media because YOU need the social interaction and the validation of others responding to you but rather because you feel others need you? That is what it sounds it like. You might want to look up this advice thread, and check out response numbers 18,28, 30, 40, 52 and 54 as they are relevant to this discussion--tho we had a lot of fun with that thread as we often do--each response is numbered in upper right corner "#__".
https://www.seniorforums.com/threads/best-advice-you-can-give….64804/page-3


Thing is you have no clue what some of us may have lived thru or are dealing with currently. i'm a fairly open book, because i share difficulties i learned from and things that give me joy when it is relevant to the OP. People have been known to get confused because i've had a very full life, in a lot of locales and circumstances, many of which might seem contradictory to each other but then i'm a mix of many things--a creative person who is rational, logical but also very compassionate, empathic even. Took me a long time to realize that was ok--whether it makes others uncomfortable because i'm harder to pigeon hole or not.
 
feywon said:
i'm a fairly open book, because i share difficulties i learned from and things that give me joy when it is relevant to the OP.
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I find it difficult to share, although I let out in a sentence or two some stuff. I used to share a lot with friends, but now I think it has gotten me nowhere and maybe some things would have gone differently if I had shut up. Don't mean to be coy or mysterious. Some old fashioned English writers like to use the expression "She kept her own counsel" but it's hard to be conversational that way.
 
Nathan said:
After my last divorce I decided to not get involved with anyone for a while, needed to figure out why I kept ending up in disastrous relationships.
..
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That's exactly what i did after my 3rd marriage broke up. By the time i got it figured out, especially understanding what was drawing me into the relationships and that i'd grown out of that need/want, i was at an age where my prospects were slim (unless i wanted to play caregiver to some man that was incapable of being on his own).

i was joking with my daughter that Universe has its little jokes--i finally figure out what would have been a healthier course for me (tho i would not trade my children for anything) and i'm at an age where chances of being sought after for a mutually satisfying relationship are less than my odds of being struck by lightening. She quipped--"Given your track record you'd probably prefer the lightening." and she wasn't entirely wrong. i could find healthy relationships male friends, but SO's a whole other story.
 
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i almost didn't look at this thread because what is true, what works, for me won't necessarily work for everybody. i always enjoyed solitude even as a child, my Dad understood that but not my Mom and older sisters who were always pushing me to 'make friends'. The strongest motivator for me to 'socialize' in my lifetime occurred when my libido was in full bloom (tho 'force' might be more accurate word) and i did want children in my life.

But then so often the responses to a thread are more interesting to me than the OP, and the Psychology person in me likes looking at how differently from each other people respond. Usually consistent with what i've already observed of the individuals but every so often you learn something new about someone or they respond in an unexpected way. And the 'side' conversations that spring up are interesting too. To me the best conversations are like good jazz---they start with a theme but each musician plays with the theme, sometimes riffs somewhat far from it for a while only to come back to the beginning notes.

One more thought i have on the topic---'contentment' while sometimes listed as component of or synonym to happiness or joy (tho i actually see those two things as subtly different from one another--a topic for another time perhaps?)---i see contentment as more a synonym of satisfaction, unrelated to the smile bringing feeling of joy. Sometimes when we cannot change things we have to be 'satisfied', content with how they are. That does not keep one from finding some happiness in life or being ambushed by joy. In this late chapter of my life i've chosen a setting that i know will frequently just gift me with reason to feel elated, joyful. i have but to step out into my yard day or night. The moments are fleeting but they are many. Many of my happiest moments involving other people have been bittersweet--there was a shadow of loss or grief. But the moments of joy i find in nature are 'pure' joy, well maybe a bit of awe.
 
Pepper said:
..but now I think it has gotten me nowhere and maybe some things would have gone differently if I had shut up.
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1) Where did you want it to get you? Don't mean that snarkily, truly, just genuinely curious about that wording. i try to confine myself to personal 'stories' that are relevant to the topic at hand whether in person or on social media. Sometimes i rant if riled up, sometimes i'm just overwhelmed with a memory and often have a feeling that someone might get something out of it even if not the same thing i did.

2) i was fortunate to learn early in life that we often misread the impact we have on others, both thru words and actions. While in High School i ran into someone who had belonged to the same handful of social misfits i did during Middle School. She was an Egyptian immigrant, fairly quiet. i'd thought back then she didn't care for me. But she insisted i come home and meet her mother. We had some tea and i learned from her Mom that "Hattie' (the anglicizing of her real name) had frequently talked to her mother about me and not just Hattie but her Mom saw me as some kind of iconic independent American female, Mom thought knowing me when she did had been helpful for her daughter. While i might have argued that even as i sat there with them i was still full of insecurities, it dawned on me that i'd been of some use/help to them, even if they weren't seeing me realistically.
 
I was a grad student for what now seems like it was a real long time @feywon. I studied at well-known Universities, lucky to be respected enough to be granted student status at these institutions. I spent a lot of time reading, researching, but especially writing essays, theses. Spent a lot of time blabbing,talking, making points.

Prior to this, as an anti-war activist spent so much time speaking, convincing, pontificating, organizing, blah blah. Always working at it, 24/7. It was my life.

As a friend, spent so much time sharing, talking, being, scrutinizing.

It all lead to now, all roads led to having my son. Everything else seems superfluous. I usually can't put 2 sentences together in a cogent fashion anymore. I blew my mind out in a car, didn't notice that the light had changed. After all I have suffered, physically and emotionally, I'm spent. I envy you, @feywon, that you still have much to say and say it well.

As for now, the best I can do is comment once in a while, then wonder why I spent the energy to communicate.

Being ALONE so long, not necessarily lonely, but alone---going to sleep alone, waking up, Oh No, another day of myself. It's changed me, and not for the better. Yes, folks do great things alone, but it's not the desired state for me and I'm conscious of that.
 
Virtual hugs coming your way.

See that's what i meant about my solutions won't necessarily work for others...but i throw them out there sometimes because maybe they can.

i still sometimes miss my first husband being in the world even tho we were estranged at the time of his death. It hit me hard when our grandson was born. (Dec 2008, 5 days before the 30th anniversary of #1 DH death). Our best times together were each of us reading our own books sometimes sharing ideas sparked by the books. Think Simon & Garfunkel's "Dangling Conversation". But that experience allows me to imagine what it must be like for someone who lost a beloved spouse after 50+ yrs together--either due to dementia or death. So i'm not about to tell them they should just 'let go' the past.

The past made us who we are now, for good and ill. Sometimes you can't keep the good memories while letting go the bad, because life is rarely so neatly compartmentalized. And it takes a lot of work to compartmentalize things emotionally for ourselves.
 
Aneeda72 said:
Well, it can actually, hurt 😂.

You obviously have never eaten my cooking. As for baking, with a bad spine and balance issues, I could die. Hansell and Gretal didn’t push the witch into the oven, the witch bent over, lost her balance, fell in, and died due to her age.

Those kids just took credit for the kill. The beginning of fake news. 😉. @oldiebutgoody
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No kidding, it can hurt, especially those of us who despise cooking, ugh what an ordeal!
 
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