When people just cannot get along

Marie5656 said:
Last night in a conversation with the friends, I reiterated how I find it hard to not be nice. And If I say hello, or chat, does not mean I am friends with that person. I am just me.
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I hope they don't quote your words to the blunt person ('she said she doesn't like you and is just being polite'), I think it would have been better to tell your friends some sort of religious-ish story about turning the other cheek, forgiveness, being humble, etc. Even though it is awful to have someone make fun of a disability or condition, I think the right time/place/person to correct that behavior is exactly when it happens (but assertively not aggressively), but other than that does it really help the hurt person to act like it is such a big deal?
Personally I'm not sure I've ever been kind and humble if someone criticized me (though offhand I can't think of anyone who did it to my face), but I know my feelings have been very hurt by friends reporting bad things said about me even though their intended message was meant to be supportive of me and hostile to the other person. I'd have much rather not known those people didn't like something about me.
 
HoneyNut said:
I hope they don't quote your words to the blunt person ('she said she doesn't like you and is just being polite'),
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Oh no...they go out of their way to not interact at all. Actually, even though I do not consider her a friend...does not mean I do not like her. I "like" a lot of people here...but do not consider them all friends...just nice people.
 
Interesting update. Yesterday I was downstairs doing laundry. Blunt lady was in laundry room doing hers as well. I just went about my business. She then interjected "I do not understand why those ladies decide not to like me". I thought for a minute and said " I think the fact you are so blunt, and speak your mind bothers them. They may think you are being rude or uncaring". She then said "You know, I was in therapy for many years, and was told to not be afraid to speak my mind". She said more, I do not remember what. I was finished with what I was doing, so I just said "Bye" and walked out
 
I've come in contact with a lot of people like Blunt lady. If they're ever called on their rudeness and unkindness, their response always seems to be that being "honest" is more important than "wimpy" old kindness and proudly state along the lines of, "Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em!" I could be wrong but it seems that it's an attitude that's more and more prevalent these days.
 
I think many a case is just people are offended by everything these days....
speaking ones mind especially if truthful is not an act of rudeness..... being fake or untruthful to be nice is worse IMO

example: if someone wears something very unflattering and some one points that out .........trying to be helpful....

Some may say Rude or how dare they ....
while others may look and see yes this is not a style / color i can pull off.........I wonder how many thought that but did NOT tell me letting me to continue wearing this over and over ...meanwhile those "NICE" ones talk behind someones back....
same statement but taken 2 ways. how it was taken was not on the speaker but the person being spoke to...
I see that more and more people doing things and i think "do they Not have a mirror or a truthful friend who could tell them "

sometimes if some one had therapy to speak up they seem to revert to actions like a child with no inhibition to stop before crossing the rude line that is not always clearly defined
 
HoneyNut said:
I hope they don't quote your words to the blunt person ('she said she doesn't like you and is just being polite'), I think it would have been better to tell your friends some sort of religious-ish story about turning the other cheek, forgiveness, being humble, etc. Even though it is awful to have someone make fun of a disability or condition, I think the right time/place/person to correct that behavior is exactly when it happens (but assertively not aggressively), but other than that does it really help the hurt person to act like it is such a big deal?
Personally I'm not sure I've ever been kind and humble if someone criticized me (though offhand I can't think of anyone who did it to my face), but I know my feelings have been very hurt by friends reporting bad things said about me even though their intended message was meant to be supportive of me and hostile to the other person. I'd have much rather not known those people didn't like something about me.
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If someone tells me something someone else said about me i don't give it the same attention, concern, weight i give things people say directly to me--whether good or bad. I keep in mind i don't know the context or if the quote is complete, how accurate it is. I also question the motive of the person relaying the statement.

People who relay such.info, or gossip TO us are often the same ones who gossip with others ABOUT us.
 
Marie5656 said:
.........I said thanks. The others had a FIT that I responded to her comment. I will never consider this woman a friend...but I will not ignore her. I told the others that.
I just do not want to lose friends because I am "nice"
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I think it is lovely that you remain decent and respectful in spite of her rudeness. Your friends could learn a lot from you if only they would realize that your way is the better way...good for you Marie 🌹
 
The problem with the "honesty" thing and being blunt: as social creatures the ability to NOT be able to read each others minds is a safeguard, as humans have their egos and feel that their perception of reality is 'real', and that everyone else is...wrong.
Consider the situation where the wife asks her husband: "does this dress make me look fat?". He either says "yes" and he is instantly banned from the bedroom, or he says "no" and if she had the ability to read his mind, she would say "LIAR!" and he would instantly be banned from the bedroom. ;)
 
Something that comes to mind as I ponder my story, and your responses. I am going to speak in generalities here. Do any of you feel there is a notion of "I am old, I have a right to speak my mind". Or feelings to that effect. I personally do not feel that way.

I feel age does not give us license to be rude or follow the mold of "cranky old person". I feel we can speak our minds without being nasty.

I am not fully clear of what I am trying to say here..but do you get it???
 
Shalimar said:
Something about blunt lady’s therapy remark sticks out for me. I can well imagine a therapist encouraging a client to speak their truth, rather than feel intimidated. However, no reputable therapist would condone rampant cruelty. I call bs.
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To be fair, Blunt Lady said her therapist told her not to be afraid to speak her mind. She didn't say anything about cruelty.

Also I think it's fair to assume that judges have to keep their feelings and sentiments in check. The best professional judges are people who are direct, analytical, and who can leave the warm and fuzzy at the door.
 
Marie5656 said:
Something that comes to mind as I ponder my story, and your responses. I am going to speak in generalities here. Do any of you feel there is a notion of "I am old, I have a right to speak my mind". Or feelings to that effect. I personally do not feel that way.

I feel age does not give us license to be rude or follow the mold of "cranky old person". I feel we can speak our minds without being nasty.

I am not fully clear of what I am trying to say here..but do you get it???
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I've known people like that. But in my opinion, Blunt Lady's bluntness has a lot to do with her career as a judge.
(See my comment to Shalimar)
 
Marie5656 said:
Something that comes to mind as I ponder my story, and your responses. I am going to speak in generalities here. Do any of you feel there is a notion of "I am old, I have a right to speak my mind". Or feelings to that effect. I personally do not feel that way.

I feel age does not give us license to be rude or follow the mold of "cranky old person". I feel we can speak our minds without being nasty.

I am not fully clear of what I am trying to say here..but do you get it???
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I not only get it but agree with you.
 
My mother taught me that true friends don't ask you to give up other people just because they don't get along. True friends want you to be happy, and if being nice to blunt lady makes you happy, then that should be good enough for them. You're not forcing them to hang out with her.

That said, if a friend of mine made fun of someone's disability I'd have no qualms about calling her out on it with a derisive, "Are you kidding me? What's WRONG with you?"
It might be exactly what BL needs.
 
Marie5656 said:
Something that comes to mind as I ponder my story, and your responses. I am going to speak in generalities here. Do any of you feel there is a notion of "I am old, I have a right to speak my mind". Or feelings to that effect. I personally do not feel that way.

I feel age does not give us license to be rude or follow the mold of "cranky old person". I feel we can speak our minds without being nasty.

I am not fully clear of what I am trying to say here..but do you get it???
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I can't say I've ever met anyone who uses that justification to be rude.

In my experience, as people get older their lifelong character traits become more pronounced.
People who were always kind and gentle are even more so.
Negative folks get worse with time. It can be a beautiful morning and they'll bitch all day about having to wait 10 minutes because the post office opened late. (Enjoy the sunshine, dear heart. What were you planning to do with that ten minutes anyway?)
And people who lived with sunny attitudes continue to find joy in life, regardless of their health or circumstances.

I was recently in an unexpectedly long line at a grocery store. The woman in front of me was sighing and moaning, then commented to me about the line. I smiled and said, "If a 20 minute line at the grocery store is the worst thing that happens to me today, I'll call the day a big win." She looked at me for about 5 seconds, smiled back, and said, "You know what? You're right."
Her entire demeanor changed and we started to chat to pass the time.

Sometimes people just need is a reminder that their lives aren't all that bad...
 
Marie5656 said:
Something that comes to mind as I ponder my story, and your responses. I am going to speak in generalities here. Do any of you feel there is a notion of "I am old, I have a right to speak my mind". Or feelings to that effect. I personally do not feel that way.

I feel age does not give us license to be rude or follow the mold of "cranky old person". I feel we can speak our minds without being nasty.

I am not fully clear of what I am trying to say here..but do you get it???
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I think you are right 👍 ..some people do feel their age gives them the right to be rudely blunt..however, I do not think age should be an excuse for rudeness. It is sad because older people who feel they have a right to rudeness have not solved some personal problems..JMO
 
I worked as a clerk in court rooms for 30 years. Last 15 with one particular judge. I knew several public defenders and county attorneys who would talk and laugh with me as they waited to talk to my judge. After being appointed to a judgeship they totally changed. Most everyone would kiss their ## to get what they wanted. Some of these judges could be harsh and mean.
 
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