Stand by your principles are you a forgive and forget type of person or not

hollydolly

hollydolly

SF VIP
Location
London England
...when it comes to members of your family or close friends ?

I'm always a little surprised and dismayed by my daughters' rigid no going back type of attitude when she's been wronged ..

I understand her anger altho' she says she's not angry , not any more , she's just dismissive of the person as tho' they have never existed..

The essence of the story is... her father and I divorced when she was 8 years old. When she was 11 years old her father married again to someone much younger who was already in the process of giving birth to another man's child. he and this woman went on to have 2 more children, but in the process.. my ex husband , ''forgot ' about his eldest, and the last she spoke to him was when she was 16 ..on the phone, when once again he'd failed to appear ..for an important occasion, and she was very upset, and slammed the phone down on him.

He never tried to contact her again, except for a hasty birthday card with his number scribbled on it , pushed through the letterbox when she was 21. ..which she promptly tore up and binned.

That marriage of his failed, and he's been living alone for a few years. he's got some serious health issues now, including Pancreatic cancer... , but my daughter doesn't want to know about him.. She's forbidden me to tell her about him, because she doesn't care anything about him at all.. she said that I may as well be talking about a neighbour of mine, or someone I met in the supermarket.. she doesn't care because she doesn't know this person.,..and further to that she doesn't want to hear anything about him despite me saying that , regardless of what's occurred in the past ( she's now 46 ).. he's still her father, he's never abused her physically in any way, never smacked her when she was a child, wasn't a drunken father, but he was absent, and to her showed preference for not only 2 kids that came after her, but in fact one that wasn't even his... which of course is true..

I felt that she might have some compassion in her heart for him now he's sick.. not that he's asking for it , he isn't , .. but she won't even discuss him... Today she informed me that unless he's dead she doesn't want to hear another thing about him.


I can feel her hurt, of course but she's told me she's not hurt, she's not angry.. she just doesn't have any feelings for him at all, so she's not interested in anything about him :(... I just feel it's a pity that she has the opportunity in this last phase of his life to let him become part of it... or at least acknowledge he's her father.. but no, she's adamant.. and at racing towards 50 years old, she's never going to bend

Has anyone else had similar happen within their families ?
 

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My biological father was never there except for a few times. I’m totally indifferent to him so I can relate to how your daughter feels. Every time I see a tv program where someone just met an unknown relative and they’re hugging and kissing and telling how they love each other, I want to gag. These are strangers who just happened to be related. No reason to have any emotions towards them.
 

Pepper said:
Your daughter is being true to herself, her feelings, her experience. Don't nag!

As for me, I would forgive, but no one has ever asked me for it, so.........
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..Pepper don't nag ?... what the hell are you talking about ? if you have nothing constructive to add to this thread don't say anything at all...
 
"I felt that she might have some compassion in her heart for him now he's sick.. not that he's asking for it , he isn't , .. but she won't even discuss him... Today she informed me that unless he's dead she doesn't want to hear another thing about him."

Sorry, dear Holly, but I thought a remark like that inferred that someone was talking about him and she didn't want to hear it again. You're not the nagging type, imo
 
Pepper said:
"I felt that she might have some compassion in her heart for him now he's sick.. not that he's asking for it , he isn't , .. but she won't even discuss him... Today she informed me that unless he's dead she doesn't want to hear another thing about him."

Sorry, dear Holly, but I thought a remark like that inferred that someone was talking about him and she didn't want to hear it again. You're not the nagging type, imo
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I was talking about him... I was the one telling her her father has cancer...she didn't want to know.. her reply was quote ''oh well''...

My surorise with the whole thing is the depth of her dismissal of him... een now knowing he's got several serious health issues including cancer.

he's not a bad man.. he never was bad to her physically.. nor me.. but he chose another family over her, and she is totally unforgiving of that..

My father was an evil s.o.b.. who beat me almost every day I was living in the family home.. I lived in foster homes ...and watched when I was home as he beat my mother to the point where she took her own life.. and altho' I cut him out of my life from the age of 21..when he was dying 15 years ago... i felt sad..not because I had any feelings for him, but because he was suffering... ..

My daughters' father was very far removed from that type of person... I guess I just can't get my head around that my dd can feel such deep dismissal of her father even to the point of dismissing his illness with shrug!!
 
hollydolly said:
Has anyone else had similar happen within their families ?
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I think many more families then we can imagine have similar experiences...... perhaps with different levels of cutting a person out of their lives...
I used to think many should be more forgive and forget ... but in seeing many examples.... i understand the perspective.

I know the forgive part is for myself .........but the forget part........ IMO has often led to being fooled again ......

Many times people avoid reuniting to avoid bringing up past pain or differences that were not resolved and will not be now with memories of events
many times.. especially as time has past ..... people no longer have the ability to see situation other then the way they remember it.

Very sorry to hear of your serious issues with your own family.....
 
What your daughter saw was INDIFFERENCE, and that can cut a heart in two. Indifference is as bad as it gets. No energy even to dislike a person, no caring whatsoever. No feeling, nothing.

I'd rather my sister come out and say she hates me than not speak to me in 18 years. She's indifferent and that hurts me more..............like I don't exist at all.
 
hollydolly said:
...when it comes to members of your family or close friends ?

I'm always a little surprised and dismayed by my daughters' rigid no going back type of attitude when she's been wronged ..

I understand her anger altho' she says she's not angry , not any more , she's just dismissive of the person as tho' they have never existed..

The essence of the story is... her father and I divorced when she was 8 years old. When she was 11 years old her father married again to someone much younger who was already in the process of giving birth to another man's child. he and this woman went on to have 2 more children, but in the process.. my ex husband , ''forgot ' about his eldest, and the last she spoke to him was when she was 16 ..on the phone, when once again he'd failed to appear ..for an important occasion, and she was very upset, and slammed the phone down on him.

He never tried to contact her again, except for a hasty birthday card with his number scribbled on it , pushed through the letterbox when she was 21. ..which she promptly tore up and binned.

That marriage of his failed, and he's been living alone for a few years. he's got some serious health issues now, including Pancreatic cancer... , but my daughter doesn't want to know about him.. She's forbidden me to tell her about him, because she doesn't care anything about him at all.. she said that I may as well be talking about a neighbour of mine, or someone I met in the supermarket.. she doesn't care because she doesn't know this person.,..and further to that she doesn't want to hear anything about him despite me saying that , regardless of what's occurred in the past ( she's now 46 ).. he's still her father, he's never abused her physically in any way, never smacked her when she was a child, wasn't a drunken father, but he was absent, and to her showed preference for not only 2 kids that came after her, but in fact one that wasn't even his... which of course is true..

I felt that she might have some compassion in her heart for him now he's sick.. not that he's asking for it , he isn't , .. but she won't even discuss him... Today she informed me that unless he's dead she doesn't want to hear another thing about him.


I can feel her hurt, of course but she's told me she's not hurt, she's not angry.. she just doesn't have any feelings for him at all, so she's not interested in anything about him :(... I just feel it's a pity that she has the opportunity in this last phase of his life to let him become part of it... or at least acknowledge he's her father.. but no, she's adamant.. and at racing towards 50 years old, she's never going to bend

Has anyone else had similar happen within their families ?
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I have had to drop contact with members of my family who like to hold grudges. My baby sister, who lives in Florida, is still angry about my "stealing her boyfriend" when we were both teens. She has since married and had two children but always behaves passive aggressive if I contact her (if she will even return a call or answer the call in the first place!) She also treats other members of the family like crap and won't return calls or acknowledge birthdays or other events. I have had to give up on her entirely.
 
hollydolly said:
I was talking about him... I was the one telling her her father has cancer...she didn't want to know.. her reply was quote ''oh well''...

My surorise with the whole thing is the depth of her dismissal of him... een now knowing he's got several serious health issues including cancer.

he's not a bad man.. he never was bad to her physically.. nor me.. but he chose another family over her, and she is totally unforgiving of that..

... I guess I just can't get my head around that my dd can feel such deep dismissal of her father even to the point of dismissing his illness with shrug!!
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I'm sure sorry, Holly. Taking a guess, I'd say your daughter feels rejected by her dad, and talking about him, or even caring, brings that feeling of rejection to the surface, and she just can't handle it.

To understand and help, you could just ask her...like, ask her how it really truly makes her feel to talk about him. It might hurt her to dig deep, but it could also relieve her of those feelings.

But, I'm just guessing.
 
Pepper said:
What your daughter saw was INDIFFERENCE, and that can cut a heart in two. Indifference is as bad as it gets. No energy even to dislike a person, no caring whatsoever. No feeling, nothing.

I'd rather my sister come out and say she hates me than not speak to me in 18 years. She's indifferent and that hurts me more..............like I don't exist at all.
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That sounds like my sister.
 
My mother was always there, but I wished she wasn't. She was an abusive raging witch who should have never had children.
But during the last 4 months of her life, she was bedridden & my brother & sister wanted nothing to do with her. And neither did my half sister - from our mom's first marriage (whom she abandoned in another country when the child was 6 months old).
I couldn't just ignore her (even though she probably deserved it), so I hired her nurses, cooked, etc. so she could at least die at her home. Even her nurses noticed how indifferent her family was to her.
When she died, none of her family attended her funeral. It's a good thing it was prepaid, otherwise, we would have told the mortuary, "Do whatever you want with her & don't bother sending us a bill."
 
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Hollydolly, I can understand how this hurts you, but I strongly believe that if you want to maintain a good relationship between you and your daughter, just stop mentioning her father and your dissatisfaction with how she feels and acts toward him. Just drop it. Regardless of his failing health. Perhaps he doesn’t have a support system now because he alienated those who might have provided one. He is not in the picture and she doesn’t want him there. Amen.
 
Geezerette said:
Hollydolly, I can understand how this hurts you, but I strongly believe that if you want to maintain a good relationship between you and your daughter, just stop mentioning her father and your dissatisfaction with how she feels and acts toward him. Just drop it. Regardless of his failing health. Perhaps he doesn’t have a support system now because he alienated those who might have provided one. He is not in the picture and she doesn’t want him there. Amen.
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I have never mentioned my dissatisfaction of how my daughter react towards her father, in fact much as I don't understand her deep dimissal of him even now he's sick with cancer , I've let her believe I agree with her feelings , and that she has a right to how she wants to feel... but unbeknown to her I don't actually understand it.. which is why I've written this here..
 
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I hate to state the obvious but I think your daughter is very hurt, that being said If I were you I wouldn't nag at her about it.
She seems to have made up her mind.

If she doesn't want to hear about it, leave her be.

If he asks for her, then pass it on and leave it at that, I know that deep in your heart you are worried that she will regret her decision to ice him out of her life, but all you can do is be there for her.
 
Geezerette said:
Hollydolly, I can understand how this hurts you, but I strongly believe that if you want to maintain a good relationship between you and your daughter, just stop mentioning her father and your dissatisfaction with how she feels and acts toward him. Just drop it. Regardless of his failing health. Perhaps he doesn’t have a support system now because he alienated those who might have provided one. He is not in the picture and she doesn’t want him there. Amen.
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Except he's lives just doors away from me.. and I can't ignore him, despite orders from my daughter to not have anything to do with him..

I am just not the person who can dismiss a person who after allwas my husband and father of my daughter, we did have a life together at one time, and ultimately we were young and not suite and went our different ways.. I have some compassion for that man who is suffering..
 
Tish said:
I hate to state the obvious but I think your daughter is very hurt, that being said If I were you I wouldn't nag at her about it.
She seems to have made up her mind.

If she doesn't want to hear about it, leave her be.

If he asks for her, then pass it on and leave it at that, I know that deep in your heart you are worried that she will regret her decision to ice him out of her life, but all you can do is be there for her.
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why is everyone insisting I'm nagging , nothing could be further from the truth...
 

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