The girl with dreadful scarring on her arms, (you'll know who or what I blame for this, and the perennial question, who loves them?)

grahamg

grahamg

Old codger
Location
South of Manchester, UK
Yesterday I attended a farm shop near where I live south of Manchester, UK.

The usual lady who is in charge, especially serving the ice creams on such a hot day, was struggling to keep up with demand, so another member of staff appeared, a young woman who was probably about twenty years of age.

She took a little bit of time before asking the next customer what they wanted, but I felt avoided eye contact, (at least with me, but maybe I'm over thinking this because of what I noticed next).

Both her arms were dreadfully scarred, (no open wounds, but probably could have had no other cause than "self harm").

We hear a lot about pandemics, and epidemics dont we nowadays, (not half!), but the incidence of self harm here is alarming I believe, especially amongst young girls, but I'll save you the bother of my suggesting where things are going wrong, (so as not to upset those I'd classify as "do gooders"), though this question cant be ducked, (who loves these young girls if not their parents, and if their parents, how much interference in the parents role has it taken, so that even decent, loving parents cant at least try to assist young women like this one, even if their "excluded parent",...., assuming there is one, makes telling that child things they dont wish to hear, part of the cure for whatever ills them!).
 

As a former Ambulance officer here in Toronto ,I saw this type of self mutilation in "mostly " young women. They tended to be attention seeking, and at odds with the rest of society. To sum it up they were playing the "look at me game ". I used to say that if you really want to die from blood loss, you should cut the brachial artery in the hollow of the elbow. The cutters don't want to die, they want an audience. JimB.
 
We have a young woman working at our local Subway with dreadful scarring on her arms and someone who knows her says it's from a burning accident when she was younger. I know an older woman with scarring on her forearms from a dog attack. There could be lots of reasons.

The self-cutters usually say they aren't trying to die. They do it when they are deeply depressed because the pain temporarily distracts their mind from whatever whirling negative thoughts they were having.
 

Della said:
The self-cutters usually say they aren't trying to die. They do it when they are deeply depressed because the pain temporarily distracts their mind from whatever whirling negative thoughts they were having.
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Pain, or terrible ongoing severe pain, may affect people greatly of course, and doing something, anything , to get freedom from the pain .. ...
even if they happen to be looking for attention also, that's a different kind of need, of pain, and can be addressed when what is right is done. Best not to 'blame the victim' , per se.
 
Just Jeff said:
Pain, or terrible ongoing severe pain, may affect people greatly of course, and doing something, anything , to get freedom from the pain .. ...
even if they happen to be looking for attention also, that's a different kind of need, of pain, and can be addressed when what is right is done. Best not to 'blame the victim' , per se.
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Is that what you thought I was doing?
 
Em in Ohio said:
There is no single answer to why teenage girls cut themselves. But their emotional/psychological needs must be addressed by caring individuals and professionals.
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There seems to be a fairly good level of understanding in the posts above I think and again please do consider "who loves those children acting out in this way", (or showing similarly destructive behaviours?)?
 
jimintoronto said:
IN my experience in the Ambulance business, I rarely saw a male cutter of any age. It was / and is a female thing. JimB.
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That’s only your experience. I know otherwise. How many ambulances show up for a cutter? It’s like the idea that anorexics were just females. There may be fewer; that doesn’t mean there’re aren‘t many.

No reason for someone else to blame broken families either; it can become a tedious story.
 
Jules said:
That’s only your experience. I know otherwise. How many ambulances show up for a cutter? It’s like the idea that anorexics were just females. There may be fewer; that doesn’t mean there’re aren‘t many.
No reason for someone else to blame broken families either; it can become a tedious story.
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I'm not sure if my comments are being referred to by the "no reason for someone else to blame broken families either", but if so can I ask you to be more careful or precise(?).

As you will see so often, and both in the thread title and OP I ask the question " Who loves these self harming children", (or I could ask, "Who loves these self harming children if not their parents"?).

Now what I'm getting at here isn't really the parents, its the parent excluding the other one for no good reason, (though I accept there can be "good reasons"), AND the legal system, the family law system, the court welfare service, the law itself even, all these plus aforementioned parent trying to oust the other one without just cause.

Hence please be precise, and again I ask "Who loves these self harming children", (and those of you supporting a family law system allowing the exclusion of good enough dads, I hold partly responsible too!).
 
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My daughter was a self-harmer. We were told she was autistic and unable to inter-act with people in the normal way. She was our first child and for the first three years of her life, she was the centre of our world. Then I had another child and that was when she became 'strange'. She has never forgiven me for having another baby, which took the attention away from her.
 
I'm so sorry, Lavinia. That must have put you in a no win position.

Most self-cutting happens in high school and that's when the love of our parents takes a temporary back seat to the opinion of our peers. I think bullying often plays a part.
 
I'm going to avoid referring to anyone's personal experiences on this thread, not least because I believe whatever anyone might say will be inadequate at best.

The general point though remains for anyone to try to consider children having any difficulties of a psychological nature, whether it be those selfharming in the manner described in the OP, those becoming obese at an early age, (putting to one side those happily growing out of it), or other destructive behaviours,...., "Who really loves them"?, (or can love them honestly as they should be loved?,..., "not I" let me admit straight away, if whoever it might be isn't my child).
 
Nathan said:
When working the jails I saw some male 'cutters', but I believe the practice was more common with females.
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When I visited a local women's prison for the weekly "chaplains hour" I met some people who had had obvious problems in their past of a largely psychological nature, (one aged just sixteen had set fire to a church no less, and was pretty withdrawn though the other women were helping bring her out of herself). I dont know if she self harmed but it would have been no surprise if she had in my opinion.

I could probably write a small book or pamphlet on the things I heard and saw there, in the two years or so I was able to go along, and one relatively young woman, who was very outgoing, and from a background where almost all of her family had ben in and out of prison, (but she was a generous hearted person I felt), told me the prison authorities recognised people like her as a strong enough characters to assist the more weaker ones psychologically to keep themselves together, especially when all locked up together for so many hours in their block).
 
grahamg said:
As you will see so often, and both in the thread title and OP I ask the question " Who loves these self harming children", (or I could ask, "Who loves these self harming children if not their parents"?).
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I would have to agree did anyone step up to help or seek help....... in many many things .....

when seeing stories or items and i wonder to myself " what were the family / parents even friends thinking?" ....

perhaps they though "this is a phase or wait and see" Are they really waiting for a serious crisis to pay attention? After so many tragedies we find damaged people who did not get the help or people running for cover by saying "I did not know...."

i see it in more things then this example as well.....weight: either anorexic or overweight .... underage drug or alcohol use.... or even bad influences in their lives etc.

Are parents/ family really too busy to see a person in trouble?

More people checking in on a child's mental health and watching for signs to nip in bud is by far better........ then "i was really busy... did not see this or that behavior shift .... or really bought excuses child gave"
 
grahamg said:
There seems to be a fairly good level of understanding in the posts above I think and again please do consider "who loves those children acting out in this way", (or showing similarly destructive behaviours?)?
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You, as original poster, seem to be looking for a specific answer to satisfy a personal need. My question is, did any of your children cut themselves? Lots of people love and/or care about children who self-harm. But that is insufficient. Such children need professional care, in my opinion.
 
grahamg said:
I'm going to avoid referring to anyone's personal experiences on this thread, not least because I believe whatever anyone might say will be inadequate at best.

The general point though remains for anyone to try to consider children having any difficulties of a psychological nature, whether it be those selfharming in the manner described in the OP, those becoming obese at an early age, (putting to one side those happily growing out of it), or other destructive behaviours,...., "Who really loves them"?, (or can love them honestly as they should be loved?,..., "not I" let me admit straight away, if whoever it might be isn't my child).
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Who loves them? Who knows. But there are parents who claim to love their children but abuse them. What has happened in these people's lives only they really know.
 
Em in Ohio said:
You, as original poster, seem to be looking for a specific answer to satisfy a personal need. My question is, did any of your children cut themselves? Lots of people love and/or care about children who self-harm. But that is insufficient. Such children need professional care, in my opinion.
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Your question shows, if you don't mind my saying, a complete lack of understanding, of both myself, and how open I try to be generally, and of course my child, (don't worry though, whilst being critical of you, your questions lead me to understand more clearly what "decent parents/dads" are up against while trying to justify their presence in their child's life to a stranger!).

Now respond to other aspects of your comments, the point you're missing here is that if decent/loving parents can be dismissed as easily from their children's lives as I know to be the case, (please note, "there are " NO" statutory legal rights for parents in the UK), then those in authority undermine at least one potential/actual source of love, "straight away"!!!!!!

Professionalising everything is a nonsense too in my view.

I once started a thread, maybe fifteen years ago (on another forum), where the question asked was, "Could contact with a non resident parent/father help stop "others" abusing the child"? (a question based upon an Oxford University paper suggesting it could do).

The reaction I got from some people there was always to see the nonresident parent as the problem, and "a professional" the only answer, or person that could be trusted!!! :(
 
Remy said:
Who loves them? Who knows. But there are parents who claim to love their children but abuse them. What has happened in these people's lives only they really know.
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In the time its taken me to write my last post you've given me a good example of just what I was saying, "how strange is that"!!! :(
 
Jeni said:
I would have to agree did anyone step up to help or seek help....... in many many things .....
when seeing stories or items and i wonder to myself " what were the family / parents even friends thinking?" ....
perhaps they though "this is a phase or wait and see" Are they really waiting for a serious crisis to pay attention? After so many tragedies we find damaged people who did not get the help or people running for cover by saying "I did not know...."
i see it in more things then this example as well.....weight: either anorexic or overweight .... underage drug or alcohol use.... or even bad influences in their lives etc.

Are parents/ family really too busy to see a person in trouble?

More people checking in on a child's mental health and watching for signs to nip in bud is by far better........ then "i was really busy... did not see this or that behavior shift .... or really bought excuses child gave"
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I'll come back to your post if I may, when I've more time. :)
 
When my granddaughter, who had issues with depression, was about 15, she was a cutter. I believe she also had low self esteem, despite the compliments she received from family, teachers and all who knew her about how smart and beautiful she is. She spent two weeks in a mental health facility a couple of years ago. She told her parents that while in group therapy, listening to others' stories about their home lives made her realize how blessed she is and how grateful she should be. She has OCD (clinically diagnosed) and still suffers from the occasional depression but the self harm as stopped. Now the thought of a wound on her body would horrify her. :)
 

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