My parents are quickly slipping away

ronk

ronk

Member
I moved to my current apartment building in December of 2021. I wanted to be closer to my parents. Dad is 92. I've only seen them once since I moved here. I visited them a few days ago. They are quickly being overwhelmed by complications of their health. My Dad is also suffering from memory loss. It appears to mostly be about computer stuff he learned, like how he uses Microsoft Word to write his autobiography. Both of us like Macintosh (Apple) computers. He sees an advertisement for an older model Macintosh, and keeps thinking it's the newest one. When he mentions it's on sale, I remind him it's an old model. I don't fault him for mixing things up. I just don't want him to spend $1,000 on an older Mac when he can get the newest model for $1,200.

I really love my Dad. I like being with him, working on the computer, doing "father and son stuff." I told Dad last week that I don't want "any thing" from him. I just want to see him more often.
 

i feel for you. As I have mentioned on the forums before my dad is 92 and has dementia. I went to visit him yesterday and he did not recognize me and all he wanted to do was watch TV. Of course I am not suggesting that your dad is down that path but I can relate. I hope you are able to visit him more often and hopefully you can help him with buying the right Mac for his project. I think writing an autobiography is a great project.
 
MarkinPhx thanks for your very supportive reply. I really sympathize with you. I'm glad my Dad still knows who I am. I may have figured a way to see him as much as every week. My Dad has been with his 3rd wife since 1980. Her daughter helps out my parents several times a week We hadn't interacted much until recently. Fortunately we get along very well. She took me to my parents place last Friday. She took her mother to a doctor appointment, and left Dad and me alone for a few hours. We had a great time. Then she came back, and went out to get a pizza for us all. We had another fun time enjoying pizza and beer. I'm thinking maybe we can do that one some Fridays.

I am quick to let her know that I appreciate everything she does for our parents, and that I enjoy her company. At the same time, I need to spend more time listening to her, and less time talking about myself. I believe this will continue to evolve as a great relationship.
 

Been there done that Ronk. It can be heartbreaking watching their memories slip away. My mother started showing signs at around 92 and by age 94 I had to put her into a home because she'd fallen three times and couldn't remember how. Our doctor said if she fell again (that 3rd time was it) he'd recommend she go into a nursing home. And she told my husband, then me that she'd want to do that because she knew how hard it was on me to take care of her on my own. At the time, I was subject to become very ill, sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time, due to my heart condition. Once I went over to see about her, got sick and couldn't even walk home..right across the street! A couple of years prior I had requested that the housing authority move her there so she and I could be closer. My uncle (her devoted brother-in-law) had to come take care of us both. I agonized over the decision but realized I just couldn't take care of her any longer. I didn't like first facility she was in. It looked nice but the aids were lazy and the food was terrible. Blessedly I found another one that gave excellent care, had good meals and we both liked it.

it's a good thing you moved closer and can be there to make sure your father doesn't do anything that's detrimental to himself and his finances. Sometimes the very elderly don't ask questions of their doctors and don't keep up with things regarding their health. You will be able to help in that regard as well when needed. And of course I'm sure both your parents are very happy you are close to them now. You sound like a wonderful son.
 
Last edited:
Some memories don't fall away.

I lived with my mother in law for a couple of years when we married and I learned some of her stories back then. When I visited her in the dementia hostel I could always begin a conversation with the words "do you remember when...?" with a reference to one of her favourite stories. It would stimulate a favourite memory and allow us to have a pleasant conversation.

My mother, on the other hand, became fairly non verbal towards the end but she was always happy to see me. The trouble was she seemed to think that I was one of her sisters and that my children were her children. It didn't matter at all. We could still relate to each other on her terms and my visits were good for her.

When she turned 90 we booked out a small restaurant and gave her a birthday party. We filled the restaurant with family and familiar faces from our church. She had a great time and I think she believed that everyone was family.

Four days later she had no memory of the event but it didn't matter at all. She lived in the moment and that is all you can do when you have lost the capability to form new memories.

I cherish every moment I spent with my mother and mother in law in their declining years.
 
Warrigal said:
Some memories don't fall away.

I lived with my mother in law for a couple of years when we married and I learned some of her stories back then. When I visited her in the dementia hostel I could always begin a conversation with the words "do you remember when...?" with a reference to one of her favourite stories. It would stimulate a favourite memory and allow us to have a pleasant conversation.

My mother, on the other hand, became fairly non verbal towards the end but she was always happy to see me. The trouble was she seemed to think that I was one of her sisters and that my children were her children. It didn't matter at all. We could still relate to each other on her terms and my visits were good for her.

When she turned 90 we booked out a small restaurant and gave her a birthday party. We filled the restaurant with family and familiar faces from our church. She had a great time and I think she believed that everyone was family.

Four days later she had no memory of the event but it didn't matter at all. She lived in the moment and that is all you can do when you have lost the capability to form new memories.

I cherish every moment I spent with my mother and mother in law in their declining years.
Click to expand...
OMG Warrigal ! Your story reminds me of something that happened recently. I had posted a while back that my sister has dementia. It has been her wish for over a decade that she and I go out to eat with just our sons. Both of them had very busy schedules for a long time. My nephew traveled to install and fix computers for companies all over the country. My son worked 6 or 7 days a week part of that time and had familial responsibilities. I finally decided to treat them to dinner two weeks ago. My sister was so surprised because I had asked my nephew, (they met us there) not to tell her we were going to be there. She was so happy...she just couldn't get over it.

We hugged and hugged; my son took some pictures before and after the meal but 4 days later my sisiter called me to say she just had to call because she hadn't spoken to me in a while. I asked her didn't she remember that we all went out to eat? She honestly did not remember! I had told my son, who said the look on her face was priceless when she first walked in but didn't take a picture, that in a couple of months we can do it again knowing that by then she will have forgotten and he can catch her reaction next time. Well it looks like that would be the case if we did it again in a couple of weeks! šŸ˜Ÿ
@Pecos
 
Thanks everyone for your support and for sharing your own experiences. I'm not in a position to offer consistent or frequent influence. I also see that he ignores much of my computer advice. Dad has been victimized a few times by people who've managed to get into his computer. He gets calls from people who spend hours poking around his computer, and try to badger him into spending money for computer support. I'm convince these people set him up to be victimized. I just can't convince him to use strong random passwords. It's all too much for him.

I feel bad about the way I reacted when he called the other day. Dad was trying to remember how to access his autobiography so he could do more writing. I was a little short with him.... and I was short when he mentioned the Mac that was on sale. I need to call Dad tomorrow. Life is too short.
 
ronk said:
Thanks everyone for your support and for sharing your own experiences. I'm not in a position to offer consistent or frequent influence. I also see that he ignores much of my computer advice. Dad has been victimized a few times by people who've managed to get into his computer. He gets calls from people who spend hours poking around his computer, and try to badger him into spending money for computer support. I'm convince these people set him up to be victimized. I just can't convince him to use strong random passwords. It's all too much for him.

I feel bad about the way I reacted when he called the other day. Dad was trying to remember how to access his autobiography so he could do more writing. I was a little short with him.... and I was short when he mentioned the Mac that was on sale. I need to call Dad tomorrow. Life is too short.
Click to expand...
I remember being short with my mother on a few occasions before I realized she was in the early stages of dementia. It happens, especially when we try to give them the right guidance and they ignore it or question our judgement. It's good that you are checking yourself so you are less likely to continue being short with your dad. Be more patient with him but also with yourself. This is not easy by any means.
 
Enjoy your time with your dad. Mine left this world too soon and I think of both my parents everyday. My dad was my best friend growing up.
 
I can't imagine anything nicer than having loving parents still at my age... I don't have any.. and even if I did they'd have to be someone elses'... because mine were far from loving... so I feel that to witness a beloved parent suffering so much must be heartbreaking.. even tho' it isn't for them, because they're happy in the moment.

I remember watching the documentary following Glan Campbells' slow decline into Alzheimers, and when he got first diagnosed he said, he didn't mind not remembering things because he was enjoying his life now.. which of course meant that he had no bad memories, and only living for the day.. whereas his family were suffering.. he wasn't.. not at that point anyway
 

Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top