Hospice Doctor What Most People Say Before They Die

Thanks @dseag2, there is a lot to think about in that video.

Death is on my mind a lot right now. Hubby has recently had his 80th birthday, mine will be happening in February next year and our 60th wedding anniversary is in March 2022.

Shortly after his birthday Hubby had a fall and broke his left wrist and was admitted to hospital where his wrist was Xrayed and plastered the next day. He developed some sort of infection but they didn't know where it was so he was treated with antibiotics. Until they took effect he was very delirious, out of his mind and writhing in the bed. He was taken to the orthopedic ward when a bed became available for an evaluation to see whether he was safe to come home. This was at my request. Actually I wanted him to be in the geriatric ward because there he would be more likely to be assessed as a whole person rather than just someone with one hand out of action.

He was by then very confused and disoriented and I was spending many hours by his side, helping him to eat; hospital food comes in separate sealed containers that are hard to open even with two good hands. There were 4 patients in the ward and unfortunately the little old lady beside him tested positive for Covid and a couple of days later so did my husband. Two days later I also tested positive.

He is now in the Covid ward and I am isolating at home. Neither of us is very sick from the Covid - quadruple vaxxed and treated with anti virals - but Hubby is declining cognitively and I cannot be with him. Our daughter, who is a nurse, is being responsible for our welfare. It is she who is doing all of the organising to ensure that Hubby can go to an aged cared facility close to our home for respite care when he is discharged from hospital. We are hoping that if he spends time in a less hospital like environment while his wrist heals he will recover his physical and mental strength enough to participate in some physiotherapy and may be able to come home.

If that does not happen then I am afraid that the care home will be his home until he dies. I will be able to be with him for part of just about everyday so we will not be parted, but neither will we be fully together.

While he was in one of his more lucid moments in the geriatric ward he told me that he was satisfied with the life he had had and he indicated that he was prepared to die. He was not at all distressed. I had the feeling that he was saying 'Goodbye' to me.

I don't think either of us has any deep unresolved regrets about the past or the future. I do regret that I can not be with him right now but I will come out of isolation on Sept 1 provided I produce a negative RAT test by then.
 
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Thanks @dseag2 interesting video. I have observed up close the dying of 3 relatives, my grandmother first, then my mother, and then my father. The one generalization is that all three seemed to show their personalities in a kind of exaggerated way.

My grandmother was a very loving generous person, but could be a little rough around the edges. None of that changed in the last days when she knew she was dying, but rather got if anything more so. She talked about family and all the things we had done, with a little critical analysis of us thrown in.

My mother was a very good, organized and intelligent person. She was always supportive and never said one critical thing about another person, not that I heard. She went to great lengths to make sure her affairs were in order and that her "estate" was well settled before hand. She also wrote letters to my brothers and I that we were to read after she passed, not sure what the others said but mine was very nice, and moving.

My father was not a bad man, never abusive or anything, and always willing to do what he thought best to support us. On a good to bad scale he was on the good side as a father. However he had a dark, maybe depressive side. As he was dying that dark side became more pronounced. He never admitted he was dying and would not talk about it. He spent too much time trying to find fault and blame amongst us, but we were able for the most part to see past that and remember the good times.

Looking back I think all was predictable, just not something we wanted to think or talk about ahead of the end.

Oh, and on the religious front, my grandmother who had been quite religious all her life said nothing about it in that last week. Did not ask for a pastor or anything. She knew we were not religious and seemed to just want to be with us. My mother who was not religious became a more open atheist, whenever Hospice tried to get her pastoral counseling she let them know. My father who had never showed any evidence of being religious decided he wanted to be buried by the Baptist minister from the small town where he grew up. It was awkward calling the small town minister, but I found the guy quite friendly and supportive. When I asked if he would do a service for someone who had not been to church in over 60 years he just laughed and said anyone is welcome back anytime. It turned out fine.
 
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Warrigal said:
Thanks @dseag2, there is a lot to think about in that video.

Death is on my mind a lot right now. Hubby has recently had his 80th birthday, mine will be happening in February next year and our 60th wedding anniversary is in March 2022.

Shortly after his birthday Hubby had a fall and broke his left wrist and was admitted to hospital where his wrist was Xrayed and plastered the next day. He developed some sort of infection but they didn't know where it was so he was treated with antibiotics. Until they took effect he was very delirious, out of his mind and writhing in the bed. He was taken to the orthopedic ward when a bed became available for an evaluation to see whether he was safe to come home. This was at my request. Actually I wanted him to be in the geriatric ward because there he would be more likely to be assessed as a whole person rather than just someone with one hand out of action.

He was by then very confused and disoriented and I was spending many hours by his side, helping him to eat; hospital food comes in separate sealed containers that are hard to open even with two good hands. There were 4 patients in the ward and unfortunately the little old lady beside him tested positive for Covid and a couple of days later so did my husband. Two days later I also tested positive.

He is now in the Covid ward and I am isolating at home. Neither of us is very sick from the Covid - quadruple vaxxed and treated with anti virals - but Hubby is declining cognitively and I cannot be with him. Our daughter, who is a nurse, is being responsible for our welfare. It is she who is doing all of the organising to ensure that Hubby can go to an aged cared facility close to our home for respite care when he is discharged from hospital. We are hoping that if he spends time in a less hospital like environment while his wrist heals he will recover his physical and mental strength enough to participate in some physiotherapy and may be able to come home.

If that does not happen then I am afraid that the care home will be his home until he dies. I will be able to be with him for part of just about everyday so we will not be parted, but neither will we be fully together.

While he was in one of his more lucid moments in the geriatric ward he told me that he was satisfied with the life he had had and he indicated that he was prepared to die. He was not at all distressed. I had the feeling that he was saying 'Goodbye' to me.

I don't think either of us has any deep unresolved regrets about the past or the future. I do regret that I can not be with him right now but I will come out of isolation on Sept 1 provided I produce a negative RAT test by then.
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Aw Warrigal, so sorry about this, please hang in there and take care of yourself too, hugs.
 
Warrigal said:
Thanks @dseag2, there is a lot to think about in that video.

Death is on my mind a lot right now. Hubby has recently had his 80th birthday, mine will be happening in February next year and our 60th wedding anniversary is in March 2022.

Shortly after his birthday Hubby had a fall and broke his left wrist and was admitted to hospital where his wrist was Xrayed and plastered the next day. He developed some sort of infection but they didn't know where it was so he was treated with antibiotics. Until they took effect he was very delirious, out of his mind and writhing in the bed. He was taken to the orthopedic ward when a bed became available for an evaluation to see whether he was safe to come home. This was at my request. Actually I wanted him to be in the geriatric ward because there he would be more likely to be assessed as a whole person rather than just someone with one hand out of action.

He was by then very confused and disoriented and I was spending many hours by his side, helping him to eat; hospital food comes in separate sealed containers that are hard to open even with two good hands. There were 4 patients in the ward and unfortunately the little old lady beside him tested positive for Covid and a couple of days later so did my husband. Two days later I also tested positive.

He is now in the Covid ward and I am isolating at home. Neither of us is very sick from the Covid - quadruple vaxxed and treated with anti virals - but Hubby is declining cognitively and I cannot be with him. Our daughter, who is a nurse, is being responsible for our welfare. It is she who is doing all of the organising to ensure that Hubby can go to an aged cared facility close to our home for respite care when he is discharged from hospital. We are hoping that if he spends time in a less hospital like environment while his wrist heals he will recover his physical and mental strength enough to participate in some physiotherapy and may be able to come home.

If that does not happen then I am afraid that the care home will be his home until he dies. I will be able to be with him for part of just about everyday so we will not be parted, but neither will we be fully together.

While he was in one of his more lucid moments in the geriatric ward he told me that he was satisfied with the life he had had and he indicated that he was prepared to die. He was not at all distressed. I had the feeling that he was saying 'Goodbye' to me.

I don't think either of us has any deep unresolved regrets about the past or the future. I do regret that I can not be with him right now but I will come out of isolation on Sept 1 provided I produce a negative RAT test by then.
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Warri... you needed to get that off your chest I feel... 🤗 not something you've done often on this forum over the years..

You've been going through a lot.. physically , mentally and emotionally recently. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, has this come as a shock to you as a family, or was he exhibiting signs of confusion before his fall ?.. No need to answer if you don't want to discuss it further.. but thankfully you have your nurse daughter there to help with everything.. that's a blessing.. and to know of course we're here whenever you just want to scream metaphorically on paper..
 
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hollydolly said:
Warri... you needed to get that off your chest I feel... 🤗 not something you've done often on this forum over the years..

You've been going through a lot.. physically , mentally and emotionally recently. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, has this come as a shock to you as a family, or was he exhibiting signs of confusion before his fall ?.. No need to answer if you don't want to discuss it further.. but thankfully you have your nurse daughter there to help with everything.. that's a blessing.. and to know of course we're here whenever you just want to scream metaphorically on paper..
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He has been exhibiting signs of cognitive decline for some time but the week before his hospitalisation he was still driving short distances, going out with some male friends for coffee and doing a bit of shopping like bringing home some fruit or bread rolls. He took the bins out and made sure there was always plenty of bog roll in the toilet. He managed his own bank account and paid the council rates and organised services for the car.

I did all the longer driving and cared for him physically and emotionally. I accompanied him to his GP, to appointments with the dentist, optometrist, hearing aid tests and the sleep apnoea clinic. I had become his carer as much as his wife.

What is shocking is how rapidly he has gone down. I have always known that aging is not a uniform process and that when something traumatic happens to the elderly, such as a fall/broken hip, there is a sharp drop off but the fall and wrist fracture followed by some sort of bacterial infection topped off by Covid seems to be devastating. Our daughter is amazing but Hubby not being able to see my face now, other than on facetime, is very confusing for him.
 
Warrigal said:
He has been exhibiting signs of cognitive decline for some time but the week before his hospitalisation he was still driving short distances, going out with some male friends for coffee and doing a bit of shopping like bringing home some fruit or bread rolls. He took the bins out and made sure there was always plenty of bog roll in the toilet. He managed his own bank account and paid the council rates and organised services for the car.

I did all the longer driving and cared for him physically and emotionally. I accompanied him to his GP, to appointments with the dentist, optometrist, hearing aid tests and the sleep apnoea clinic. I had become his carer as much as his wife.

What is shocking is how rapidly he has gone down. I have always known that aging is not a uniform process and that when something traumatic happens to the elderly, such as a fall/broken hip, there is a sharp drop off but the fall and wrist fracture followed by some sort of bacterial infection topped off by Covid seems to be devastating. Our daughter is amazing but Hubby not being able to see my face now, other than on facetime, is very confusing for him.
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I'm sorry you are going through this, @Warrigal. Due to the sudden way he has gone downhill, has he had any tests done to his brain, like MRI or CT scan for signs of stroke?
 
palides2021 said:
I'm sorry you are going through this, @Warrigal. Due to the sudden way he has gone downhill, has he had any tests done to his brain, like MRI or CT scan for signs of stroke?
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Yes. His brain was scanned and nothing unusual was found. I doubt stroke is the cause because he goes in and out of reality. Sometimes he is relatively coherent and at other times he thinks he has seen actors rehearsing and is waiting for the show to start. I think he is reliving scenes from his past life when he doesn't understand what is happening around him. When he sees my face or his daughter's he finds an anchor point and comes down to earth.
 
I can very much relate to your fear, I lost my husband after a five year battle with cancer. At the last of that he had fallen/passed out due to a blood clot. The fall caused brain bleed that required surgery. He was never the same after that. He imagined a lot of things, thought of a lot of things that were in the past, memories he brought forward, and could not understand those things were long ago. I think that was the most scary thing. But then he would be right back to me in present day. I can only say love him what ever he is seeing, remembering, love him when he is coherent and don't tell him about the times or things he does while he has gone off in his mind. That will only scare him and not be able to enjoy the times when he is here with you and the people he loves. We are all going to leave this world by different means, it is up to us to give the most comfort while we are still here. Best wishes and prayers.
 
Alligatorob said:
Thanks @dseag2 interesting video. I have observed up close the dying of 3 relatives, my grandmother first, then my mother, and then my father. The one generalization is that all three seemed to show their personalities in a kind of exaggerated way.

My grandmother was a very loving generous person, but could be a little rough around the edges. None of that changed in the last days when she knew she was dying, but rather got if anything more so. She talked about family and all the things we had done, with a little critical analysis of us thrown in.

My mother was a very good, organized and intelligent person. She was always supportive and never said one critical thing about another person, not that I heard. She went to great lengths to make sure her affairs were in order and that her "estate" was well settled before hand. She also wrote letters to my brothers and I that we were to read after she passed, not sure what the others said but mine was very nice, and moving.

My father was not a bad man, never abusive or anything, and always willing to do what he thought best to support us. On a good to bad scale he was on the good side as a father. However he had a dark, maybe depressive side. As he was dying that dark side became more pronounced. He never admitted he was dying and would not talk about it. He spent too much time trying to find fault and blame amongst us, but we were able for the most part to see past that and remember the good times.

Looking back I think all was predictable, just not something we wanted to think or talk about ahead of the end.

Oh, and on the religious front, my grandmother who had been quite religious all her life said nothing about it in that last week. Did not ask for a pastor or anything. She knew we were not religious and seemed to just want to be with us. My mother who was not religious became a more open atheist, whenever Hospice tried to get her pastoral counseling she let them know. My father who had never showed any evidence of being religious decided he wanted to be buried by the Baptist minister from the small town where he grew up. It was awkward calling the small town minister, but I found the guy quite friendly and supportive. When I asked if he would do a service for someone who had not been to church in over 60 years he just laughed and said anyone is welcome back anytime. It turned out fine.
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I think I am interested in these "end of life" videos because of the terrible memories I have of my mother's passing last November. She was in and out of hospice for over a year, and it broke my heart that she could only sit in her recliner chair when I visited her because they had determined physical therapy was no longer an option. She always said the physical therapist could help her walk again, and it broke my heart.

She began to decline about a month prior to passing. I visited her, and she had been very ill during the night and was very flushed. From that point on, her food intake declined and she was bedridden. She trashed around in the bed, pulled off the covers and said she wanted to get up and sit in her chair again. She slept during the day but couldn't sleep at night when there was virtually no one available to spend time with her. The Chaplain from hospice care came by quite often to pray with her and sing hymns. I know she loved that.

The staff kept her fed with Ensure when she could no longer eat solid food. I fed her ice toward the end to try to keep her hydrated. She became delusional at the end and said things like "get me out of here" and "I want to go home" and called out to her deceased brother. Like the video indicates, it is hard to know what to say. I just continually told her I loved her and that she helped make me successful in life. I also told her it was okay to "go" when she was ready.

This is cathartic for me, so thanks to anyone who reads this. My mother was a religious person, and I think it helped her through her decline. I am not, but I hope when the time comes I can say I have lived a full life and have no regrets.
 
I also told my Mom it was okay to go, everyone was there waiting for her. She was in a coma at that point but still fighting. She left us about an hour later.

My husband left when I least expected. He was in the hospital, I was in the room all morning. He was awake and acting normally. I went downstairs to get some lunch and they called a code for his room. His lungs just stopping working, they did the whole thing except intubation. We had discussed that already. When I got back up there, I said everything but intubation. He was gone and I still can't believe it.
 

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